Hi, there are a few issues I'd like to ask you about. Feel free to answer any or all of them. Thanks in advance.<p>I have recently turned 24 years old. I was married for 14 months, a really bad marriage including many Love Busters. (No violence involved). We have no children.<p>During the marriage I found out my husband lied about many things, in fact almost everything. He blamed me for lots of things and told his frends things like I would not allow him to go out with them, I would not allow him to drink, etc.. all total lies.<p>I confronted him and he said that I was trying to control his life and he was sick of it. He moved out in October, last year. All I wanted was for him to get a job (I did NOT pressure or nag him), and to let me know where he was when he went out. That is it. I never said anything else. I have suspicions, but not proof, that he may have had an affair.<p>Anyway, I have not spoken to my husband in almost nine months. He moved back in with his parents, and we arranged the division of what little property we had through e-mail.<p>The day my husband left he said he was going to file immediately for divorce. I have heard NOTHING since then. As I am Catholic, an annulment is important to me so I can remarry in the Church. I can not apply for an annulment without being divorced.<p>Question 1: Since I have not heard from him, what can I assume about the divorce? Do you think he will eventually file? I do not want to be the one to file, but I also don't want to be stuck married to him when I am so young, I don't want to waste any more time with him than I have to.<p>What should I do - continue to wait? File the divorce myself? I will be filing the annulment which will cost upward of 600$. I do not have the financial resources (I am unemployed) to pay for both divorce and annulment. Has anyone else gone through this who can give me some advice?<p>Question 2: I have two other problems: One, I want a family very badly, and Two, I find that since the separation I am very lonely and miss companionship that I had with marriage. I have not spoken to my husband in 9 months. I have no children. Is it possible I am over him yet? I am anxious to get on with my life. When do you think it would be OK to start dating again? I think I am ready to date, but it might just be rebound and loneliness. Does anyone have any advice for me?<p>Question 3: My doctors have diagnosed me with depression and I am on medication for it. Has this happened to anyone else (I am assuming it has to most) and how long does it take to start feeling better? What is the relationship of depression and the feeling of wanting to move on? for some reason I seem to feel both.<p>Thanks to all, I know this is a lot to post all at once and I'm sorry. I am just very confused in all of this. It seems a long, hard road is ahead of me.<p>I thank God everyday that my situation is very uncomplicated: I was able to move in with my family, we have no kids, I am still young, we have no assets, and I am a good candidate for annulment. I will say some prayers for the people on this board.<p>Sincere thanks for all advice.<p>:-) <p>Avatar

I am so sorry for your situation but yet it is a good thing that you are very aware of what kind of person your H turned out to be and you want to move on with your life without him.<p>Do you have any relatives that might lend you the money to file for divorce and an annulment? Sometimes law school students can help you file without charging you for it, of course court costs are another thing altogether but even here they might be able to point you to some private or public organization that might supply you the funds to pay for said costs.<p>As far as your depression is concerned, if you are unemployed you probably can qualify for medicaid or some similar public health program that is offered in your area, so you might want to contact your local public government health organization. You might want to post what part of the country you live in because some MB member might be from your area and can help you by pointing out some of these organizations.<p>Good luck and God bless.

Dear Avatar:<p>First, I am very sorry to hear of your situation. Divorce is always a terrible thing. <p>You may not believe it now, but your youth is a real asset now. You have plenty of time to get divorced, get your marriage annulled and start your life over. I am 37 with no children and I want a family very badly myself, so I feel time pressure very much. There are people on this board 20 and more years older than I who are really in a fix, as I am sure they do not want to face starting life anew at the age of 50 or more.<p>As for depression, I believe that this is normal for your situation. There are several questions I think you should ask yourself; is depression common in your family? Is there a possible genetic vector? Have you been depressed in the past with no outside causal agent? If so, your depression might be not only situational, but part of your chemical make up, too. Your Dr. will be able to help you determine the answers to these questions.<p>As for dating; I am Catholic, too and I asked my parish priest about dating and he told me that as long as I am legally married and without annulment, I am married in the eyes of the Church and that dating is out as long as these conditions exist. Your priest can advise you on these matters.<p>I hope that you can get past these times and be a better, happier person for it at the conclusion of these events.<p>I will pray for you,<p>My best to you,<p>c++_guy<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: c++_guy ]</p>

TooMuchCoffeeMan >><p>Thanks for your reply. I live in Ontario, Canada. I have asked the law students at the University I attended, they do not handle divorce or family law. But, thanks for the suggestion. I guess I am just angry because, in my marriage, I paid for a lot: I paid the wedding (my parents paid half, and I paid half), I bought the two cars (used, old cars but still), I bought my husband a laptop for his college course, I paid most of the bills, and now I have to pay for both the divorce and the annulment. And he got half our property. He sure lucked out in this case.<p>I suppose I could borrow the money from my parents. I just feel badly, because they have already helped me out so much in every way, and I feel guilty taking more from them. I wish my husband would contribute.<p>c++_guy >><p>Thank you for your reply and kind words. As for the depression, I am not really sure. It took three different doctors to convince me to even go on the medication in the first place. I did not think I was depressed. It is possible that it is not related to my situation, but unlikely. My H left in October and I finally went on meds in December. But now, I continue to be depressed, but, it seems, not sad over my husband. I just don't get it. Maybe it is over my husband but I don't realise it. Hmm...<p>My priest explained it to me a different way. Maybe I misunderstood, but he told me that the purpose of the annulment was to prove that the marriage was sacramentally invalid, in order to REMARRY in the Church. I was under the impression that you get the annulment to remarry, not to become unmarried. I understand that I should probably be civilly divorced first before dating, but it sure sucks to wait! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Maybe I am confused. In the meantime, I am trying to meet other young Catholics so hopefully I will have some dating prospects by October (the earliest I am allowed to divorce under Ontario law) or when the annulment comes through. Is it normal to feel like I "wasted my time" with my H when I could have been with someone who would have stuck it through?<p>Thank you both for your support and encouragement.<p>A.

Dear Avatar:<p>"Is it normal to feel like I "wasted my time" with my H when I could have been with someone who would have stuck it through?"<p>HECK YES, it is normal to feel this way. I can still feel this way towards my stbxw. I think it is important for us to remember that God has brought us here for a good reason and that we will be better people for it someday. Our time has not been wasted at all, as much as it feels like that on somedays.<p>Keep praying, keep your chin up and know that you are not alone. We are all here for you.<p>c++_guy

Avatar have you tried contacting womens outreach organizations? They might be able to direct you to some free or low cost services in your area.<p>As for your parents, what are their feelings regarding your H? I ask you because if they have very negative feelings towards him they might be more than happy to finance your divorce and annulment so that you can move on with your life.

Avatar -<p>I can help a bit with the annulment information. The information your priest gave you is correct. Indeed you must be divorced prior to filing for an annulment. You may be able to get financial support from your archdiocese for ppl who are strapped financially - I believe the church cannot refuse an annulment do to financial problems, etc.<p>My priest told me based on everything in my situation that we could prove "incapacity of marriage" (or something like that) saying that the behavior existed prior to marriage in essence we did not receive the sacrament of marriage.<p>The catholic church accepts divorced people with open arms. If you want to remarry in the catholic church you must be annuled. You can get annuled without your H too, but the process may take longer. <p>I, too, am Catholic. Married 2 years ago - I want a family and raise my children Catholic. Now I'm looking at divorce and it's been very important to me to know about an annulment. I've talked to two priests and they are both very supportive of my situation. Sounds like your priest is too!<p>Good luck!
Llama

TooMuchCoffee , Llama >><p>Thanks for the financial advice. I will definitely start looking into the directions you have pointed out to me. I did not think of those before. Still kind of reluctant to ask parents, because they are strapped for cash too and need some maintenance on their house very badly.<p>Anyway, Llama, I read your story and it sucks. At least here, you are with people who understand what you are going through. Regarding the annulment, do you happen to know if it impacts the annulment depending on who initiated the divorce? What I mean is, if I do decide to get the ball rolling with regard to the divorce process, will it affect my annulment process in any way? I am concerned that if I am the one who get the divorce, it will not be seen that I was the one who wanted to follow through on the marriage vows.<p>I hope that made sense. Thanks for all your help.<p>A.

There are a lot of us Catholics here, huh?<p>It sounds like you and your H married in the Church?<p>I know the Church rules are so difficult to understand and frustrating. Sometimes, I wonder if these are God's laws or man's laws. Hmmmm...<p>Neither of my marriages were in the Church. After my D, ironically I could receive Communion...But I couldn't when married to my X, nor can I now. It's sad <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Is there no hope in saving your marriage?<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]</p>

Hi Milli<p>My understanding is that divorcees are accepted by the Church. You can accept the eucharist when divorced without annulment because you are still in a state of Grace. <p>My husband and I did marry in the Church. I am a cradle Catholic, my H converted the April before our August wedding.<p>If you remarry without an annulment, in the Church's eyes you are not honouring your marriage vows to the first husband (since the Catholic Church does not honour civil divorce). That is why you can not receive the Eucharist. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I do not understand why you could not receive Communion when married to your X. I have never heard that rule before.<p>Talk about rules! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It's all I can do to keep everything straight. I am still on uncertain ground with a lot of it though. There is no hope for my husband and I, and if I get the annulment, in the Church's eyes there was no sacramental marriage at all. That is why I want to get this divorce started. I am ready to start a new life. I am reluctant to file papers not only because of my finances but because I don't yet know how it will affect my annulment. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks again for your comments.<p>A.

Avatar - <p>I'm sorry that you are gong through all of this, but hopefully it will prove to be a life experince that will help you have a terrific life hereafter. <p>It's ok to be on medication for depresison right now. You've been through a tramatic event and it takes time to move through it. However, you should be spending time changing your life so that you don't have to stay on the meds forever. Exercise creates those endorphins that counterct depression, so a good exercise program - even just walking would be helpful to add to your life. <p>Have you seen a counselor yet? Very good source of healing and helping you put your life into focus - our Catholic Life Center for the Diocese has counseling at a reduced rate and so does our city. Even doing something such as joining a bible study is a good source of support and insight into your life.<p>Right now you should be focusing on you and trying to work on yourself to make yourself a better person and read about the info. on this site so that you will be ready for a new relationship. and have the tools to make it successful.<p>As far as divorce and annulments go, my priest said that the divorce is only dissolving the contractural relationship that the spouses have with the state. The big issue is whether your marriage is still recognized by the church, which is the reason to get the marriage annulled. There are many books about annulments - maybe even some at your library or go to a Catholic bookstore and browse. It takes around a year for an annulment to be granted and if you want to date you should probably wait until the annulment is finalized - otherwise you are dating while married. And it will take you time to heal emotionally from the marriage - they say wait 6 months to a year after you are divorced to start dating, otherwise yo uare not being fair to yourself or the other person and the relationship has a higher percentage of not working out becasue you haven't fixed the problems that led to the break up of the first marriage. <p>Uncontested divorces are relatively cheap and here it's only $50 to file and then a donation after that and no one is refused because they don't have enough money to pay.<p>Keep praying about this and God will send you some answers. K

GIIC:<p>Thank you for a very informative post! I feel better just reading it! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What you say about waiting to date does make sense to me. I didn't think of it quite that way. I was thinking only about how I wanted a family and what is the quickest way to do that. But what is the quickest is not necessarily the best.<p>I was seeing a counsellor in November/December but it was a counsellor subsidised by the University I attended. when I left school I was no longer able to get free counselling.<p>I moved and have not yet found a new counsellor in my new city. I did find counselling to be helpful though.<p>At my doctors advice I changed my diet and I walk with my dog about 4 to 6 times a week. I didn't notice a change in my mood until the doctor changed the meds - from Zoloft to Effexor. Now I do feel much better.<p>I think your advice, and everyone else's advice, is sound. It makes sense to first work on myself, and try not to look to others to reaffirm me. That might be why I wanted to start dating so soon, kind of to prove that I am still an attractive and lovable person (my H sure didn't make me feel that way - I guess you've all been there too). I will pray about this. <p>thanks again<p>A.

Hi Avatar:<p>Just a little info on the depression meds, it took me about three weeks before I felt any kind of fizzle of feeling better.<p>About the lack of funds for your divorce, have you checked out legal aid societies. They will generally help you out and allow you to make small payments or not pay at all. You may want to give them a call. Go to your nearest court house and ask. They will point you in the right direction. I am from Alberta, Canada and I have utilized their services a few times when I was down and out.<p>Good luck and hope this helps you somewhat!!