I wasn't going to post today but am feeling a little down. It seems that almost everyone on MB get second chances with their WS but me. My WS e-mailed me three times last week (after no contact in 4 months) accusing me of something I had nothing to do with. The e-mails were vile. I responded that I had nothing to do with what he was accusing me of (it's true) and that I still wanted to save our marriage. I told him I still loved him and cared about him and if he wanted to talk to please call me. The response was an even nastier e-mail to me. Two days later I got separation papers. I feel like everything is going downhill fast and I don't know why and I have no control to stop it. <p>He cheated on me, left me, now I hear his ex-girlfriend (the woman he left me for) is pregnant (I could be on all the MB boards!) and he makes me out to be the bad guy. What is going on in his head? I have heard he is going to be sued for paternity, he has money problems, etc. Why is he taking this out on me? And why do I still love him after all this?

I am really sorry for what is happening to you. I feel for you. I am in the same boat. It is easy to become sad when it seems others are getting the chance you so badly want. But, be glad for them and understand that your chance may yet come. If not, God has an even better plan for you!<p>One problem with your H is that he is unwilling to shoulder his part of the responsibility. Its not your fault. He is trying to make you the scapegoat in order to feel better about himself. Dont let him do it. Focus on you and forget about him until and unless he comes around - treat him kindly, but do not pursue. Read Love must be tough, it explains exactly what your H and my W are doing when they spew their venom. Also read your bible and pray.<p>you will be in my prayers.<p>John

Thanks, John. I just got a call from my atty. My H is agreeing to all my changes in the Separation Agreement. I am shocked; I was expecting a battle. He is basically giving me everything, including a fully paid for house and 1/2 of a fairly large bank account. He must really want to be rid of me. He is signing everything tomorrow and will send it to my lawyer. I guess there is nothing more I can do. There will be some sad weeks ahead for me but maybe now I can start healing and stop living in the past and hoping he will have a change of heart.<p>John, I would like to hear some of your story and thanks for your prayers.

John, are you still out there?<p>I wanted to add something about what you said. Yesterday, I prayed and asked God if he didn't want this divorce to go through to please stop it. If he had something better for me down the road then let the divorce go through. I gave it to Him and felt the most incredible peace for the rest of the day and evening. Then today I got the message that my H was proceeding and was giving me everything I requested. I guess I have my answer from God, though I guess it is not the answer I really wanted. However, I must accept it and believe there is someone much better waiting for me!

Fingers,

I am so sorry that you are caught in this situation. I will include you in my prayers.

What exactly is he accusing you of?

The way your spouse is acting at this time is not out of the norm. In fact it appears to be quite common when a spouse has gone out and violated their vows and got into something that is waaaaaay out of control... which it looks like your situation has reached.

It appears that your WS is trying to put a guilt trip on you, when in fact he is probably the one who is feeling the most guilt for what he has done and created. It helps justify their actions. They make you out to be the bad guy, therefore what they do is justified in their mind in order to validate their actions. Don't buy into it.

He probably filed for separation because of the guilt and shame he may be going through as well as a very deep "FOG" he is most likely in at this point in his life.

My WW has done about the same thing, only difference is, she was the one who got pregnant by OM, as well as a host of other things. She as well is blaming everyone in our family for what she has done. I learned this through my MIL.

The bad news is, is you cannot control what your WS is doing right now. On the other hand you don't have to put up with his vile emails or anything of that sort. What exactly is he blaming on you?

No matter what has happened in your M, you are not in any way responsible for him having an A... he had the A, not you. His A, was his decision, not yours. If he was unhappy for whatever reason, he should of communicated with you. He should of told you what was troubling him... given you the chance to work things through. he chose to take the path that he did... you did not choose that for him.

He took the cowards way out. Run and hide from his problems, which again is not uncommon. The bad news is, is the problems don't go away,they just fester, like a bad wound and it gets worse the longer it continues.

I like you have not heard from WS for over 2 months and counting.
It is a nightmare, make no mistake about it... a bad dream... that you wish you could wake up from.

Why do you still love him? That is a good question... I ask myself the same question about my WS all the time. You have to search deep into your heart to obtain the answer to that question, for each individual the answer is different.

You must now start taking care of "YOU". Read about as much as you can concerning your situation.
Try to find a good support group in your area if you can... they help, trust me.
You may need to see a IC, which can also help... just in case you start going into a funk you can't get out of... which it sounds like you may be in the beginning stages ofalready. Don't fret though... what you are feeling is not uncommon.
Try to surround yourself with friends and/or family that you know you can trust. They can be a big help.
Get yourself an attorney... if you have already been served with separation papers you need to get your ducks in a row ASAP!

But the very first thing you must do is say a long prayer to the Lord. You have to let him take your pain and lead you in the direction that he sees fit.

As much as you love WWH... and I know this is going to be hard... If he communicates with you by attacking you with his verbage... I would ignore his contacts... don't answer them. It will do you no good at this stage of his A.

You are going to have to let this A run it's course, if you are willing to endure it. How long has this A been going on for?

As I stated earlier, you cannot control his actions, you can only control yours. Think about you first. Do you have children?

If you put your faith in God, then anything is possible. Will you get a second chance to put your M back together? If it is God's will you will. Say lots of prayers.

My problem is I found this sight too late. I prayed and got a second chance before I found MB. I LB all over the place... not realizing it. My Plan A was horrible.

My marriage is in a shambles now. Could I make my M work knowing what I know now... you bet I could.
Will I get another chance at putting back my M? If it is God's will, then I will. If not, then I know that there awaits something better for me... for I am allowing him to lead me down the path that he wants me to take.

Put it in the Lord's hands.
Take care of yourself.
Get an attorney.
If he contacts you, only communicate with him without LB and don't put up with his attacks.
There are very wise people on this site. Listen to what they have to tell you.

We are all with you, as we all have probably experienced the pain you are going through.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Yes, I am still here. <p>I am glad to hear about the call with your lawyer. This will make things much easier for you. <p>If I interpret your comments/question correctly - is this an answer to a prayer?<p>Unfortunately, only God knows. I believe what the bible says, that "God hates divoce" and that his will is that we keep our vows and our marriages. Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) He also gives us free will to make selfish choices or choices that follow His will. <p>Your WH has made some horrible choices and may yet be in for a great correction from God that eventually brings him back or he may truely be lost forever. Sometimes only after time has passed and we have the opportunity to view things after all has been worked out, do we get to see the many facets of Gods perfect plan for us. I dont mean to be evasive about this, its just that this may be a short term answer to a prayer (part 1 so to speak) so that you can work on you and are ready for what God really has in store for you. <p>But trust in God that he has your best interests in mind "all things work together for the good of those who love Him" and use the opportunities he provides to be ready for what he has planned next for you.<p>I am sure it will be beyond your best dreams.<p>God Bless<p>John<p>I will reply again later with a link to my story. Thanks for your interest.

Thanks John and Wallace for your replies. <p>John, I think it was some sort of answer from God. And you are right, maybe it is just the answer for now, I just don't know. Thank you for your kind words. Please keep them coming!!<p>Wallace, I have seen many of your posts but did not realize that your WW was pregnant. I found out about my H's affair on 2/10/02. I was shocked. We worked together and he was cheating on me with a client. He and his son from a previous marriage moved into a house we were renovating and moved the girlfriend in with her two kids. He then kicked her out in April telling a friend of mine "she and her daughters are pigs and are sucking me dry of money". I had hoped he would come back to me at that point, but he didn't. I had been forced into a Plan B since February and strictly following the no contact rule.<p>Several weeks after kicking her out OW says she is pregnant and going to sue him for paternity. That is actually the last I have heard. Our mutual friend felt so bad about telling me that she has cut off all contact with me concerning H. <p>He initially called me at my office (new job) last week and accused me of instigating a car repair. A couple of years ago he hit a friend's car and told her to have it repaired. She just now got it repaired because she is going to sell it. I told him on the phone that I had nothing to do with it but his voice was so full of hate that it scared me but I stayed friendly. Then the e-mails started. He said I was harassing him, extorting money from him, taking all his money, etc., etc., etc. Kind of strange since I hadn't spoken with him in four months and had not pursued the divorce and he has not given me a cent. He was so irrational. <p>Yes, I do have an atty. My husband insisted I see one in February and paid the $4,000.00 retainer. (My husband is also an atty. and an atty. friend of his is representing him - that's one reason I was expecting a major battle). <p>Oh well, it is a long, sad story. I married my H six years ago (my first marriage; his second). I was 37. I wanted to have a child. He said no, he didn't want to share me with anyone (and he has 2 adopted kids from his first marriage). Now he is having a baby with someone he doesn't love. So that hurts.<p>I have wonderful friends, family and co-workers who totally support me. I know I will get through this.<p>Wallace, how are you coping with your situation, especially with your wife pregnant by OM? I believe this is the ultimate betrayal, much more than just the affair. Both should have known better. <p>I know there is someone better out there for me. I know I am a good person! This is just a bump in the road of life, right? Thanks for listening.

My original post per your request.<p>My wife has asked me for a divorce, mediation is set for 3/13 although it may not go well since I feel compelled to fight for custody of our 4 children. My wife has been lying and deceiving me for about 2 1/2 years about an affair she has been having. Even after she asked for the divorce she denied anything going on. I also encouraged a friendship with this other person. He was a mentor to her in her profession, a preceptor in her training, a co-worker, a family friend, our family physician - treating me for depression as well as my wife for various things.
She would come home from work and confide that the office staff was giving them a hard time because they were openly speculating that they were having an affair. I would ask my wife to be honest and she would say nothing was going on - and I believed her. At least up until the point she asked me for a divorce. Then I began searching for answers. I no longer accepted the denial or the excuses. She left a journal laying out which I read. He left his journal in our car which I read. I had her followed on a trip to Colorado where she promised he would not be - but guess what -the video tape proves they were together. There is more to this than I could possibly type from the bruises on her legs which she tried to explain away to the horrible things he writes about me while treating me, to the fact that he is 17 years her senior, etc. She helped him through his divorce which was just finalized and I know they have talked about marriage - he even wrote about getting a house in order to take my whole family from me.
My wife will not go to counseling, she is so hurtful and mean toward me and the children are learning her behavior toward me - yes we are still in the same house, neither lawyer wants us to leave. I think she is still unsure if she is doing the right thing but is very addicted to the affair - she still sees him.
I still love her and want to try to save our family and marriage, she says she doesnt think she does. She sees a secular counselor who tells her to do what makes her happy. The OM tells her God knows what. Her friend who she talks to is having an affair with a married man, her father was unfaithful to her mother while she was dieing of cancer - and he is now basically living with a girlfriend who is of questionable character. She only reads books to try to get support for her decision and not to see the other side - which she professes she already knows.
I have filed 2 lawsuits against the OM and his employer. Got word yesterday that the insurance company that they want to discuss settlement of the suits but I am unsure this provides the level of consequences he deserves. Likely it would not be a "large settlement". Do I settle or risk loosing and large debt for principal and for possibility of larger consequences to him - the money really does not matter to me, I am trying to protect my family.
My divorce lawyer is very good and thinks we have a good case and shot at custody in this no fault state. But I am still hesitant because I don't want to upset her more and incur her wrath as well as destroy any possible chance at reconciliation. What do I do?
I have asked her for a chance but she doesn't want to talk - not right now, I don't know, we'll see, etc. are all I hear. Rarely a yes or a no. She has asked me to give her space and treat her like she is not even there. It is difficult but I am trying. I do however continue to treat her with the love and respect I have for her - which is hard. This whole thing has been going on for about 9 months now. I have hit bottom several times and although I feel a little bit of strength right now, I know it may only be temporary.
I know we can make it work if she was willing to try. She says she tried for 18 years and doesn't want to any more. Actually, she tried to appease rather than talk about issues and set boundaries so I was very much struck out of the blue with this - I didn't know she was unhappy.<p>Update, we have had the trial and are just waiting on the judge's decision. I pray that God grants me favor with the judge.<p>John

Fingers,

To give you a little more background on my situation... my WW is not pregnant anymore.

To make a long story short, and this is just one part of the whole story, she at first tried to tell me that she might want to have another baby, to bond our marriage and to show her true love for me. She had just returned home to reconcile our marriage... she was gone for 6 weeks.

We have three children, all of which are with me at this point, and more than likely it will stay that way. When she came back she told me that she thought she might be pregnant... I told her to go ahead and have the baby, but when the baby was born, I told her I was going to have blood tests taken on the baby to see if it was truly mine. This was about a week before Christmas.

On Feb. 15th of this year she had an abortion without my knowledge. She told everyone in our family that she had gone to the Doctor, and they had stated that she was going through an early stage of menopause. It was all a lie.
She was forging checks on my personal checking account, and I discovered through one forged check and cell phone #'s that she had gone to Planned Parenthood and had an abortion, I had other evidence as well. She had a hemmorage(sp?) a week later that landed her in the hospital. That is just one of her many escapades.

By your post you seem to be doing quite well under the circumstances, or am I reading that the wrong way.

Thank you for sharing your story, it appears that you do in fact have your ducks in a row.

Do you want to save your M, or are you ready to move on?
It sounds like your ready to move on. I would think real hard about moving on and making any fast or rash decisions at the moment. Sometimes the grass as they say is not always greener... I think you get the idea.
Who knows, the grass may be greener. I know for some people it is.
You sound like you are a good person, and you may very well deserve better.
I hate to look at M as bumps in the road though, if the M is not working out to the best we would like to see them work. Don't get me wrong, I think an A is one of the most horrible things you can do to your spouse, so you have every right to be upset.

In your case though, it may be best to drive over the bump and head for those green pastures.
However, if you still love your H, I would give it some thought before you make any moves unless your completely committed.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thanks John and Wallace. What happens to these people that we love? It truly is a great mystery isn't it?. I have certainly learned a lot during this period. My husband signs the separation papers today. He has no interest in saving the marriage. I, like many people on MB, wish I had found this site sooner, especially when we were still happily married.

Fingers,

What happens to these people? Quite a few of them go on to live a life of misery and loneliness.

I'm sorry to hear that your H has no interest in saving your M.

Most spouses who have had an A, think that this is their cure and/or answer to all their problems they are involved in (most of the time they created the problems). It's easier for them to start a new relationship (in their mind) with no problems... start out fresh with a new beginning. Problem is for most of them... is they have taken all their garbage and baggage with them to their new relationship.
Most who leave a troubled relationship rather than working on making it better for themselves as well as those around them will eventually repeat the same cycle and patterns they had in their previous relationship... only to start it all over again.

I too, wish I had found this site sooner. Would it have changed anything? I think it would have, but for how long nobody will ever know.

Good Luck!

Stay Strong!

Wallace<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>