I usually post over on the infidelity board. My story is long as you can see from my thread below. Shorter summary:<p>**H & I married 4/00, been together since 11/97
**H and I have communication problems
**H has bad temper and is controlling (no physical abuse)
**I always am open to discuss whatever problem comes up. H avoids conflict at all costs.
**SF has been a BIG issue for me due mainly to H behavior
**H & I get counseling over a year ago, things seemed to get better, H continued to go to individual therapy - started anti-anxiety meds
**H & I seem to be getting better in March, but H seems pre-occupies and is VERY reactive to anything I say or do
**While H is out of town, we fight and I ask him to take the couch or stay with friend for a while, so we can get back into therapy
**D-day the following day (4/14) discover H's internet affair
**H signed 6 mo lease on apt, has spent a TON of money and has racked up an extreme amount of debt since d-day, he's in trouble at work, has threatened divorce, blames me for everything, etc.
**H has seen OW 3 times since separaton 2 trips to her city and she came her 1 time<p>I was absolutely devastated by this entire thing. The issue however isn't really the affair so much as how things were prior to the affair, in essence our entire relationship. <p>My H didn't treat me well. Things were his way or no way. Everything was an extreme - or black and white. THIS is why I asked for the separation - our relationship was unhealthy and I was deeply suffering because of it.<p>I do love him, but don't want to stay married to him anymore. He is still being mean and is full of anger towards me. We currently are not speaking.<p>I have read SAA and several other books. I've been a good Plan A'er for two months now. I have not LB in almost 6 weeks.<p>If anyone would have some time to read my thread or at least the last few pages of posts, I'd appreciate it. <p>Thank you,
Llama

I always hate to see posts not responded to. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'll check out your posts and get back with you ok, and bump this up so others can respond!

OMG, he has this woman stay at his apartment and continue to visit her, when he knows very well his marriage is failing and she is a big source of contention!!! Then he has the nerve to ask for your trust & he loves you and wants to work on the M. How? <p>Do you have equity in your home? Maybe he sees the house as a solution to the debt he has run up?<p>OK. I vented about him, but we can&#8217;t fix or help him now can we? So, let&#8217;s try to help Llama.<p>Sounds like you were getting some great advise on your other thread. You have really been doing an awsome job not LB&#8217;ing, but maybe missing his EN&#8217;s????? I don&#8217;t think I read what needs the OW is meeting of his, that he isn&#8217;t/didn&#8217;t get from you?<p>Hmmmmm&#8230;latest develepments. Sounds like he is seeing the new and improved you going on with your life and becoming stronger. Even I can sense the change in your posts, that you feel like you can go on with out him now&#8212;I&#8217;m assuming he must be feeling that too!<p> Although, if he has a need to know more information about your activities away from him, why not tell him? Set the example for him, how you want to be treated. Follow the Golden Rule!<p>My H is very much similar in the black and white & ohhh man total extremes like there is nothing in between. He also asks me to drop everything whenever he wants something. We are working on that though. I can understand how frustrating it is, especially since you are trying to take care of you.<p>Remember you are setting some boundaries&#8230;be choosy which ones you want to set for now! Don&#8217;t give up&#8212;he is changing and in the state of conflict right now. You have to go through the conflict--withdraw to get to intimacy!<p>Sorry, I don&#8217;t know enough about Plan A & B to give good advise, but it sounds like he is needing more reassurance right now from you. Personally I think you should continue Plan A for a while. <p>However, is he still communicating with that OW? Isn&#8217;t there something in Plan A about a No contact w/OW letter&#8230;then Plan B is No Contact with you until he ends his R with her? <p>Finally, my previous M did not survive after my Internet EA. To be honest it was only a symptom of other problems in the M. You are making progress when you said : &#8220;The issue however isn't really the affair so much as how things were prior to the affair, in essence our entire relationship.&#8221;<p>What he is doing isn&#8217;t right&#8230;but blasting him is not going to help YOU. Obviously neither of you were happy in the M. Can you step back a bit and try to see from his side what his unhappiness was, what needs weren&#8217;t being met that made him turn to the internet woman?<p>If you are IM and emailing eachother, would you consider taking one of the EN questionaires and make it a topic of conversation with him. I&#8217;m sure you can gather a lot of clues about what more you can do, without presenting the whole questionaire to him. Take lots of notes! <p>Good luck!

Another thing!<p>It sounds like he may need some positive encouragement for the things he is doing RIGHT!<p>For example my H is great at giving affection! A couple of month's ago I told him how I really love the way he gives so much affection with hugs, holds my hand, etc. (specific details)... Just last night he brought that up & I was really surprised he remembered I said that! So teach & encourage the actions you do like. I know it's hard, but try to find one thing you can praise about him!
In those posts, I saw a trend:<p>He wanted acknowlegment & recongnition from you about fixing computer...you said he feels needed and wanted by the OW for being her hero. He wanted praise when he fixed the banking situation.
Try to find things for him to fix or do for you, and show him you still need him. Then heap on the praise & appreciation!

I just wanted to say that I think Milli is giving excellent advice. Congrats on no LB-ing. What are your goals Llama? Do you want the divorce or are you still trying to save the marriage?<p>If you are trying to save the marriage, Milli's advice about trying to affirm his efforts is right on. And I do, also, agree that he needs to stop seeing OW soon - I hope he does this to show you how serious he is. Unbelievable that he actually asked you to trust him while he is still having the A. Hopefully he will realise what a gem you are and wonder what he is even doing with OW in the first place.<p>He is lucky to have you, Llama. I hope he realises this before it's too late!<p>Keep us posted.<p>A.

Milli -
Thanks so much for your response! I have been doing my best these last two months to tell/praise him on the good things he is doing. What he got from the OW is SF (virtual, I guess - I don't know about physical, he denies that). But, as I mentioned before, I know that this is just a surface thing. My H has alot of deep issues that existed long before we ever married. At that time, when we were engaged/married, I accepted him for who he is - never trying to change him, etc. Now that we are separate, I'm realizing that I DON'T accept his behaviors (and alot I believe is truly a part of his character - never going to change). Honestly, I feel DONE. <p>As I look back at how this whole thing transpired, I now realize that I was DONE when he and I first talked about separation and this was PRIOR to finding out about the internet A and OW. It's all so strange I have to say. My therapist says for me not to jump into divorce, but to take my time and if I feel as strongly in a month as I do now - then decide to have the talk with H.<p>I'll keep posting here as things progress. I'm happy for you and your current spouse and the progress you have made in your relationship and I thank you again for posting.<p>Avatar -
As you can see from my post - I'm on the divorce side now. My goals? To see how I feel 3 weeks from now and go from there. Live each day and keep taking care of me. <p>As far as what I want - I want to be married and share my life with someone special. I want children. I just feel that my H isn't that person. It's weird for me to say that, but it is indeed how I am feeling. Thanks for touching base.<p>Llama Hhugs,
Llama

It's sad. I'm sorry to hear all you have gone through.<p>Keep up with therapy, friends & posting here.<p>If you decide to go that way, I also suggest finding a divorce support group to attend--usually can be found through a local church. It really helps!<p>Hugs!

Thank you Milli! I have found a separation/divorce support group, but they don't meet in the summer - funny huh? What about those of us who separate during the summer? LOL!<p>I'm hangin' in there!<p>Llama

Then I would suggest a lot of reading. 2 books I recommend are:<p>1) Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke. (Christian based).<p>2) Starting Over by John Gray (Mars/Venus)<p>Both books have assignments that can get you through some healing during the summer. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]