Well...he did it again. Sat smuggly at my youngest child's baseball game.<p>I was a little late...I had to drop my daughter off at swim team practice. When I finally got to the game...I had to park right by them. So...I got out of the car and when I reached them I said "Gee, you're back again. Guess I really will have to organize that welcoming party. She boldly said..."you should." I said I know the whole town is here and I know they are talking about Jim's w****. I know they all want to be introduced." She didn't like that...she said...I have the right to go anywhere in the world, now I know why Jim divorced you" I laughed and said "really?" She said "Well you obviously couldn't keep him happy" I said "interesting, because I thought you saw a true sense of Jim on graduation night. No one can keep him happy. Heard you went running from his apt crying." She said "Well, he had a right to behave that way that night"....Whatever!!!<p>I am having a hard time accepting the fact that they can create these feelings in me when I see them. Why am I doing this...I don't normally act like this!!! When I see them though, I lose all self control. How can this bimbo believe what he has told her? How could I have these four great kids and be this monster he has made me out to be? When I left them to sit with the team parents---you can tell I have friends all over---doesn't she see the inconsistancies? I guess I just don't understand the mind of an OW....now my H has put me through this so many times--never in public though--this is a first. <p>What amazes me is that...do they think I am just going to accept them here? It is too easy to make their lives h***---and right now it is kind of fun to make them squirm a little. <p>I am just joking....but I may write out some invitations to a coming out party for Jim's bimbo. It must be nice to not have to hide in the bathroom anymore. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I also thought about getting together a care package for her One of those welcoming packages I learned to do so well working for Jim's squadron. Get a nice basket to welcome her. Get police caution tape to wrap it with and put the following items in:<p>
-Hot pads and oven mits: To handle that temper!
-O'douls: You will be the designated driver EVERY time!
-a few dollars--use these for bus fair after he cleans you out financially!
-Wall hole filler stuff (Spackling)---We buy this by the case!!! Use it after each temper tantrum---I mean, after he has the right to be angry and punch a hole!!
-ear plugs---need I say more?
-phone card--call his other mistresses for pointers on how to keep him!
-modern maturity magazine or a copy of AARP---to help you adjust to the generation gap!
-Key, to help you get yourself out of the bathroom!
-helmet to keep you safe during the road rage!
-credit card-oh, sorry, it doesn't work!


Wrap it in "Police Line" or Caution Tape! <p>What do you think????? Pat

Pat,<p>I think you need to start your own recovery and healing, dear.<p>From all accounts (your own testimony), it seems that you are better off without the drunken, tempermental, spendthrift fool.<p>Count your blessings.

Your idea for the welcome basket is very funny. And that's good. If you can laugh, then you know you're going to come out of this all right.<p>But don't do it. It is essential that you "out-class" them. That doesn't mean welcome them or anything. Just don't stoop. You've got the crowd on your side. But if you act out, rather than humiliate them, you will provide them fuel for their accusations against you.<p>I understand that you reaction comes without warning and is hard to control. This is what I recommend. These two times, you were surprised to see them. But they seem determined to come, so now you need to PLAN to see them there. Plan how you will react, how you will out-class them. Discuss your plan with a friend. If you expect that dialog will be unavoidable, then practice that with our friend (but try to avoid any dialog at all). But make sure your plan does not include anything that in any way resembles confrontation.<p>But don't let your gift basket idea go to waste. Write it up as a funny article, story, or piece that you can submit to a journal or magazine for $$$. <p>Good luck

Thanks,<p>It is kind of fun planning these things though. We have it all worked out for the next swim meet--my friend and I were coming up with such neat stuff last night that we were rolling on the floor.<p>Laughter is the best medicine. I am so glad I can vent here though...because these are very strong emotions...and I feel horrible when I get home. I wouldn't normally act like this--ever. I hate that he can still create such a mess with my emotions.<p>I have met a wonderful man..and I think I am growing and working on me. But the site of those two still makes me livid. I don't know why. I guess because my H made my life h** for so long...and she participated in it this time and included my kids. How do you just let that slide. I want to smack them both on the side of the head.....are you supposed to feel this way even after you thought you are moving on? Pat

Pat<p>Always keep that sense of humor. I wouldn't even talk to her anymore.....she sounds like a real low life. She is really quick to defend herself, isn't she? <p>You hold your head high....grab on to your friends and be proud you are the person that you are!!! He can't really do that, can he??? <p>I dread the day that I have to go through this. I will want to slap her.....and then my H! Hopefully he will honor my son's request to NOT have her come to anything. Why do they think they belong there???? Makes no sense to me.<p>MAX

MinM-<p>Well, I skipped the Baseball game tonight - not becasue OW was taking son to game becasue ExH was working, but becasue other children were sick/tired 0 you know with 4 kids it's always something. <p>Anyway, I know what you mean about moving on but having the ExH still bring out those strong emotions in you.<p>I've learned that the way we're supposed to deal with ExH is to act uninterested and nice and then they lose their control over us - because whenever we let them bring those feelings out in us - they have us right where they want us.<p>It's a control thing on their part - flaunting the OW. They want to hurt us - or are trying to force acceptance by others.<p>It's scary when the wrong choice becomes the norm, as seems to be the case in so many instances.<p>When the ExH sees that we don't care what he does, then he stops doing those things to hurt us because he can't get a rise out of us. At least that's the theory.<p>It's not easy, just like Plan A was never easy, but it's what works with these personalities.<p>I'm working on this theory and will see what happens. Sometimes I hate being nice to someone that could care less about what hurt he's causing, but we'll see.<p>Hang in there, and believe me, it hurts them more for you to be the classy one.<p>K

Dear Feeling So Alone and God Is In Control,<p>It is awful that he brings her to the game...and you are both right...he is doing this to control. That has always been an issue with him.<p>Last summer when I asked him to stay away from my 79 year old mom when she volunteered to watch my kids--he immediately moved into the house and said that he had a right to be there.<p>The next week he brought his OW to be with the kids because I asked him not to....so it definitely is a control issue with him.<p>The hard part is not falling for it. I think I will just ignore them from now on...they are both really low lifes...time for me to move on with this mess. Thanks Pat

Pat,<p>I love the basket idea. I could think of things to add but I have an evil mind or so my OS tells me.<p>Pat, the next game just pretend they are not there. Don't give them the time a day. From you have written about your X any attention you give him & the bimbo makes him happy. Hard I know.<p>The 1st football game last yr. STBX brought OW, I freaked. Lucky for me it was very crowded. So i could set with friends & not have to see them but then OS was hurt. When it was very obivous the trainer was looking for me I went to the fence, STBX joined me there. I left at half time as OS would not play any more & it was a school night. OW never came to another game, of course OS only got to play 3 more & he was hurt again.<p>I dread this coming yr if OS plays. OS didn't grow up in this district, while I do have some friends not a lot. <p>There are times I really regert all those prayers I prayed for the 15 yrs STBX travled before the problems. It was like I prayed without ceasing when he was gone. He missed hijacking, crashes, bombing, coup, etc sometimes by a manner of days. Everything would be so much easier if he wasn't around, not that I wish him dead but I think the hurt would have been less all round for everyone, not just me & OS, but my mil & the HS kids that he taught in Bible school for over 10 yrs what a great example.<p>I am making myself sad. <p>you know of GQII that thread that Jo started to you & others, I think I have a use for it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Sing,<p>This is so hard...and I just can't get my emotions straight...maybe I should go back on Zoloft.<p>I have been really down today. I had to go half way across the state to pick up a ck from a lady who had hit my daughter in the van.<p>To get there, I had to go around the lake--and it brought back so many memories. We loved to go on that lake--that is how we spent our free time in the summers. Always took lots of kids with us. We used to rent campsites--and I remember so many great times with just Jim and I on the boat [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] How come he doesn't remember any of this. He seems so happy just taking the boat with my skiis, my kids, my vest and his OW...Yuck!!<p>I stopped by where we used to keep the boat--and evidently he isn't storing it there. I was going to try to get my skiis, vest and skii gloves. Probably good I didn't, as it is now his boat. How sad.<p>Then I came back to the doctors--I have to have surgery on both my feet July 1st. My arthritis in my toe joints has really gotten bad. I should have done my left foot 3 years ago--but I was hoping to wait until Jim was off his training year with the airlines--so that he could help me with the kids. Now, the doctor says my left foot is really bad. He doesn't know how well he can fix it. Da** my exH--<p>I wish I would wake up from this nightmare. I feel like my life is just out of control anymore. I hate this.<p>I don't know how to handle those games. Obviously, he is going to continue bringing her here. It is really hard for me.<p>I am also worried about this relationship with this great guy I have been seeing. It is just moving way too fast---I have too many emotions to still get over...and I don't want to hurt him. <p>I am officially "dissolved" tonight. Our divorce announcement was in the paper. I feel like my heart has been wrenched out of my chest again. Why did he do this?????<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: miserynmissouri ]</p>

It's ok to have one of those down days - especially with the announcement in the paper.<p>It's not right - that this happened to you and your kids. It's not Christian. It's just plain selfishness on the part of your ExH.<p>You have every right to scream, cry, cuss - whatever to let those feelings flow.<p>It will take some time to move on, I've heard anywhere from 1 to 3 to 5 years, but the pain will get less and less over time and you, as will I, will heal.<p>I know you don't want to hurt the man in your life right now, but you may want to be upfront with him about all the emotions that you're going through. If he's divorced hen he'll be able to identify. If he's not, then maybe he'll think twice before doing this to someone in the future. Plus he may be worth his salt if he sticks around through all of this.<p>The best advice that I've received about how to deal with ExH is to act uninterested and nice around him. When he realizes that I won't get all riled up at what he says and does, then he'll supposedly stop doing those things and move on. We have to be really good actors and be so convincing that we could win an academy award.<p>As someone said in their reply earlier - THIS IS NOT EASY. Just tonight, I had the perfect opportunity to practice what I just preached - son told me that ExH and OW leave the room for what the kids call "kissy time." This infuriated me because who is supervising the 5 kids - ages rangiing from 3 to 7, while they are making out? Or do they just stick them infront of the t.v.? I've even offered to watch the kids while they go do whatever. So, instead of me keeoing this info, to myself, I have to e-mail ExH, asking him who supervises him when he has kissy time with OW. Ok - this is an example of what NOT TO DO. I mean are they really going to change their behavior based on my e-mail? no. So I've only pissed off ExH and I only mildly feel any better. Really what I should have done is write the e-mail and then wait 24 hours to see if I still really wanted to send it. But you get the pitcture. Oh well, old habits die hard. But I am going to make a concerted effort to try and uninterested and nice to ExH so that maybe my life will be somewhat bearable with him in it. Yuck!<p>Joint Custody With A Jerk is a really good book for dealing with these types of guys too. And when you are trying to parent with them you have to treat them like 2 year olds and give them 2 choices of things so that they can pick. <p>Unfortunately/Fortunately I'm learning that my ExH really didn't treat me well my entire marriage, and actually now that he's gone I really don't see all that much difference from whhen we were married except that he's one less thing that I have to physically take care of - even though enotionally he's sending me through the wringer - although I really only get upset about what he does to the kids, I'm pretty much over what he did to me. But it will still take time.<p>Hang in there. I too have many more ball games to endure.......... But WE WILL SURVIVE! K

Thanks God Is In Control,<p>It was definitely a down day. This new guy is really wonderful...and seems to be very understanding. He came over and we talked a lot tonight...I feel a little better now.<p>I really want to get my life back to some kind of semi-normalacy. I am tired of feeling yucky. I am having a lot more better days than bad lately. <p>This is just so draining emotionally. I appreciate your encouragement...we will make it----and it will be wonderful in a few years to hear how we are all doing. Thanks again Pat