My XH started coming around just about a year ago. Right from the beginning he wanted to just put all of bad stuff behind us and move forward. That is; all the bad stuff he did! I believe him to be repentent and so so so sorry.
I have been taking the whole thing slow and cautiously. I don't date but have remained close friends with a man that I dated a few times, but then determined that we weren't ready for relationships but have become wonderful friends.<p>Even though I do still love my XH and care very deeply for him, I wonder why I can't re-commit myself to him yet. He asks me all the time, WHEN????? I just don't know how long it will take, and I don't really know what I am waiting for. I wonder if I am unrealistic in what/how I should feel.<p>The man I have remained friends with is just a friend and I don't see a future with him for many different reasons. Just being honest, I do sometimes fantasize about him/us. But really, I don't see him coming between my XH and I.<p>Am I, or even XH, afraid to be alone? My XH tells me that he'd be there for me no matter what I decide.
Please let me know your take on this and/or advise.

Rejected,<p>First of all, welcome to the board. You might get a few more responses if you posted on General Questions.<p>What to do, what to do?<p>It's hard to say without some more detail on your situation. How long were you married? How long have you been divorced? Why did you divorce (optional, but it would help)? Have you had contact with your ExH since you divorced, or is this something new? <p>My personal take on it is to go with your gut. And above all else, TAKE YOUR TIME. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] If he asks when, simply say (as sweetly as possible), when and if I'm ready - and not before.<p>I'll check in later,<p>Has

Rejected, Hi. I don't remember your story. How long have you been separated/divorced? Who divorced who? How long has OW been out of the picture? Are you afraid of being vulnerable? hurt again? What has your H done to change? What have you done to change? Have you considered couples' counseling?

Rejected,<p>My apologies, I didn't realize you weren't new here! (I guess I really should learn to try to find the backstory first, eh?) [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I've read some of your old posts, and I really don't know. Whether or not you are ready to commit to him, do you think he is ready to commit to you?<p>I still say take your time. Have you been dating your ex at all? If not, it's kinda unreasonable of him (IMHO) to expect you to simply jump into a relationship with him after all that has happened. It is natural for you to question. (healthy too!) No matter what he wants you to do, you need to decide for your own reasons and for your own happiness. I love my STBXW dearly, but I am not sure I would want us in the same house right now. Do I want to lose her? No. But I don't want to lose myself, either, and I'm afraid that would be exactly what would happen if I didn't take this slowly.<p>When all else fails, FOLLOW YOUR GUT!<p>Hope this helps a little, <p>Has [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Rejected,<p>there's a reason he's your x, right? What would that be? If it's lack of communication, not meeting your en's---then maybe those things can be worked out. If it's abuse, alcoholism, serial cheating--those are entirely different stories in my opinion and are almost insurmountable obstacles to happiness.<p>What has changed that makes you think things will be different?

Thank you for your responses!!!
I came to this board about a 1 1/2 yrs. ago. My divorce was final Apr. 30th 2001.
My XH left me for OW. He was never abusive and this was the only affair he had (albeit a BIG one and only). It is hard to get down to the whys of it all, especially when I thought I had a terrific marriage.
My XH chalks it up to being deceived and being of little and abhorent character. He has shown me over the past months how truly sorry he is. <p>One thing that bothers me is the fact that out of the settlement that he drew up and I agreed to in the divorce decree; I haven't seen a dime. I am not greedy and sometimes I think my pride comes into the picture; I want to know that I can do everything by myself. XH did hit some rocky times after the divorce (reeping!), and I am not one to kick someone when they are down, so didn't push the issue.<p>We sold our house a few months ago (at a considerable profit), and again; his needs were taken care of. <p>Not that I am not able to take care of myself, that I AM. When I look back at things, I feel that he put himself and his needs first. He was selfish, and ultimately he did the most selfish act one can do. <p>He has recognized his selfishness and tells me that things will be different.<p>So, that is one major thing and plus the fact that I still have those evvvviiilll images of OW & him that pop into my head. OW is a teacher and the school she teaches at is just down the street from my office. I guess in time this will fade?<p>Go by my gut instincts????
All I can say is this is tough.<p>I find myself not wanting to go deep and just keep on dating XH and keeping it all "light". I like my sanity and my little home I made for myself. Plus I enjoy the new friendships I've made.
I guess it is normal that after going through the hell XH put me through, I just am not ready for a relationship?

rejected,
I'm currently rebuilding a weird friendship with my XH. D was final on March 1, 2002. First phone call was on May 5. We've been talking pretty consistently for about 5 weeks.<p>I guess I'm in the "what-if" stages of what you're going through. From what I'm feeling, and from what you're describing, I think there's several things involved.<p>Maybe you're not ready. Many people seem to recommend 2 years recovery after a divorce. Of course everyone's different. Don't rush yourself, just because you think you know him. This is a brand new relationship, and you should treat it like that.<p>There's many obstacles to overcome from your past relationship. If you have unanswered questions, or unresolved resentments, they could be hindering you, or preventing you from trusting him. The pain of betrayal can't be swept under the rug - if that's what he (and maybe you too) is trying to do.<p>If he were NOT your XH, and you knew he was divorced, ESPECIALLY if you knew he was the WS... wouldn't you want to talk about it? Wouldn't you want to know what steps he's taken to learn so it won't happen again?<p>I don't know. I'm thinking ALONG with YOU... I'm glad you posted this.<p>Someone recommended a Boundaries in Dating book to me. I just got it, and haven't started it yet.<p>I do feel that anyone you date should be doing things to make you feel safe, protected, and truly cared for. If he's rushing you, he's not making you feel very safe.<p>Be honest with him about the way you feel. Maybe it's all in YOUR head - lack of trust - fear of a new relationship with ANYONE... or maybe its something he can help you with. But DON'T rush... don't push it, JUST because you feel like you know him.<p>just my very humble opinion....

Thanks Faith1,
I do forget sometimes that it is a new relationship. I need to point this out to XH also. He wants to pick up where we left off before he started the affair. But it isn't like that.<p>I will check out that book you recommended. I also need to check out material pertaining to the whole reconciliation thing. I hear the 2yr. thing also (a councelor recommended that). <p>I don't date anyone else. But I would like to get a reaction about the friend I have. There are several reasons why we are just friends and will remain that way. He has been a wonderful confidante and someone I can laugh with and just be me. <p>My XH knows that he is my friend and that we did date briefly (we work together). <p>When working on reconciliation must I cut off friendships if they are of the male/female kind?
And do you think that this relationship might be holding me back from getting back together again with XH?

I wish you what makes sense for YOU.
In one of the posts, you state that he has not yet paid you re the divorce. <p>"One thing that bothers me is the fact that out of the settlement that he drew up and I agreed to in the divorce decree; I haven't seen a dime. I am not greedy and sometimes I think my pride comes into the picture; I want to know that I can do everything by myself. XH did hit some rocky times after the divorce (reeping!), and I am not one to kick someone when they are down, so didn't push the issue."<p>IMHO I suggest you need to find closure there first. Has he been fair and done what he had to financially and parentally....or are you letting him off the hook somewhat and taking care of his needs, especially after selling your house.<p>I am really glad that you can take care of yourself, but why are you taking care of him first still. I do not think you would do this if it was someone new.<p>I would hate to read that X used you again.

My suggestion is no matter his repentance and apologies, you have to find a way to trust him again....and for me that would be taking care of his obligations under the divorce settlement.
Once he has taken care of this he can work on his relationship with you or he can go off again in search of his own happiness.<p>I am sorry if this is harsh, but I do remember your story, so take care of you.

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Thanks for the responses.<p>Willbok99-You are hardly being harsh, you make alot of sense. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lauralee-You ask good questions.
The affair ended 1yr ago. There are several reasons as to why it ended. At first he attributed it to actually "me being responsible". He was still at the time in "major fog", and actually blaming me (OW found out he was still having sex with his wife and felt betrayed). As he started to wake up, he realized what type of person this OW was/is. I think she may have still had something for her XH, but I really don't know. My XH tells me that although she "broke up" with him first, she later re-opened the door and would have taken him back. <p>At that time he had realized the wrong path he had chosen and what a horrible mistake this all had been. He tells me how deceitful OW was and how deceived he was........... She may have been deceitful, but he fell for it hook line and SINKER!!!!!!<p>I don't discuss their "relationship", he doesn't want to give her that much thought.

He is constantly telling me what a wonderful person I am, how beautiful I am, etc.
I find myself not believing it or trusting it. I am the same person he met 14yrs ago. Is this something I should just let go? Do you think he may just appreciate me MORE????<p>HHHMMMMM

Rejected:
I think I would think long and hard about your ex and if you really want to recommit. You have been divorced since April 01 and he hasn't made good on the divorce settlement yet. That in itself speaks volumes. It is commendable that you can take care of yourself, but that isn't the issue. You weren't married by yourself and spent your married life helping and assisiting to make that marriage work. Why shouldn't you get a share of what is legally and morally yours. Your ex knows you and takes it you won't press the settlement issue, so he doesn't pay what he owes. That isn't right.<p>I was divorced in May 01. My ex is and was a control freak. I was his property. When we divorced he viewed everything in the marriage to be his. It didn't matter that I worked every day we were married, took care of his children and him and put myself last on the list. When I had the audacity to want my share...he was enraged. Too bad. I had to fight for every penny and I still haven't gotten all that he owes me. He bought me out of the marital home and was annoyed because I wanted my share. In the next breath he tells me he loves me. How could he when he was ready to put me and the boys out in the street?<p>Be careful. I beleive if a person truly cares for another and wants to put past issues to bed then he/she has the integredy to do what is right. Anything else is not acceptable...especially if you love someone and have already screwed up once. No honoring your divore settlement is not the right thing to do...not after all this time.<p>Think about it.

Thanks HappyMac!
This is probably my own insecurities or fears. My XH is making me alot of promises (ie making good on the settlement and lots of other stuff). He also asks me to marry him everyday. I am not moving as fast as he'd like and everyday he asks me if I want to date other men.<p>It has nothing to do with other men. Although I think that it is normal to think about what it may be like to be married/with someone else (right?). <p>Throughout our years together, he must know what type of woman I am. We grew together and became successful together. Because I initially took him on when he had lots of issues in his life, he wants that again. His selfishness and "controlling" behaviour dictated what we did. I didn't have a problem with it because I respected him and trusted him soooo much.<p>It is a hard thing for me to do. I think deep down inside of me, I want him to make good on something and prove himself to me. I think of myself as a bad person, because I want him to be financially on top again before I remarry him. <p>I don't want to look like a gold digger. I sooo want to be a good person, and mabey because of what he did, my insecurities are running high.

Rejected: I have no doubt you are a very good person. Your ex's finances are not your worry anymore...what is your concern is what he owes you. Beware of those who like to control. Marriage is whole lot more than controlling another person to bend to your will. What do you want? What do you think is important to a marriage? If you are not ready to make a committment, don't you think the other person should respect your wishes and give you some space? I realize it is hard to drawl the line when your only point of reference is your ex. Perhaps dating wouldn't be such a bad idea. I'm not saying to get into a romantic relationship...just date, have some fun. We all know that the separation and the process of the divorce is pretty life altering. It changes us...some for the best...some not for the best. We are often forced to look at ourselves...not the couple, but as single individuals. A mistake would be to think you can jump back into the marriage with all that baggage lying underneath. You are in a good place now to think about what is good for you. Obviously, your ex wasn't thinking that when he had the affair and divorced you. He still hasn't given you what he took away...do you think a second go of it will change it?

You are good Happy Mac!<p>My XH needs to respect the space I need. I have always put him first and that is his point of reference!! Loved that point you made!<p>It is so true about how life altering divorce is. I am happy again, and even my young niece and nephews have noticed it again. I have made reference earlier to having a male friend (no romance), but such a wonderful friendship. Do you think that having a friendship works against reconcilition? For me, it has given me a chance to show me how strong I am to my convictions and he appreciates me for who I am (and I didn't have to "give it up" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I would love more feedback on that issue. Opposite sex friends, can it happen? I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with him, but I do think it is just normal curiousity.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by REJECTED:
<strong>This is probably my own insecurities or fears.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I don't read it that way. It sounds to me like this is more about your XH's insecurities and fears, and your reluctance to trust your intuition.<p>You're getting a lot of words and a lot of pressure from your XH, but it doesn't sound as if you're getting much substance. The words sound good, but there doesn't seem to be anything supporting the words. If I were in your shoes, I would ask the guy to cease the effusive compliments and desist with the marriage proposals. (If he can't respect such straightforward boundaries, then he is not healthy marriage material.) And I would offer him a fair opportunity to demonstrate both his willingness and his ability to live up to his responsibilities. A good marriage involves interdependence, but interdependence must be built upon independence or it becomes enmeshment. A (prospective) spouse should want you, but not need you.<p>Your eyes are now open to some things you were not fully aware of when you were married. You were enabling unhealthy behavior on the part of your husband (and therefore on your own part as well), and it would be irresponsible of you to return to a state in which the same unhealthy behaviors are likely to repeat.<p>I'd love to see things work about between the two of you, Petrie. But if your XH is really serious about remarriage, he will do what it takes to prove himself to you, and to himself.<p>Regarding the "opposite sex friends" thing, I believe it is possible, but it is also dangerous. Draw your boundaries very carefully.

WOW!!!
Great to hear from you,
GnomeDePlume you are sooo good.
You're opening reply is an eyeopener to me, and really does "peg me". <p>I do recognize many of points you brought up. Something I have told my XH, is "I don't want to be just the right thing". I know I deserve more than that. I have got alot of love to give and to be given (don't we all)!!!<p>It would be a new marriage and I definately don't want those unhealthy behaviours to be repeated.<p>The pressure my XH places upon me causes me stress and makes me angry. Like you said Gnome, that is his insecurity. He is so very fearful that I will get involved with another man and all of this is because of his own actions. He thinks I am just sitting on the fence unable to make a decision. Like, Petrie, what are you waiting for??? Sounds like and from what I feel is that I am waiting for him to prove himself to me.<p>Since I have never been in this position, call it having the upper hand or whatever, I have trouble trusting my intuition (gnomedeplume! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )
Even though (ask my Mum) I have a strong personality, I am used to playing more of the subordinate role in my relationships. Now, the roles have reversed and I am not sure of myself.

Rejected: You have come up with lots of reasons why you don't think a reconcilation with the ex would be a good idea. I don't recall reading a reason why you should. Listen to your self...forget about what you think everyone would want you to do. None of us have to live with him...you do.<p>I agree with Gnome dePlume...set up firm boundries and enforce them. If he can't respect them then you have your answer. <p>Can you be friends with the opposite sex? I used to think yes, but I'm not so sure. I think its possible if both of you have no chemistry between you...once the biology gets in the way, things can get complicated. So, depending on the people, I would say it is possible. <p>Enjoy being happy...I know I have been divorced for over a year and though my life is certainly not perfect, I am happy inside. Once the dust settled from all the emotional fallout from the divorce I felt an inner peace I hadn't known in years. If I want to buy something, I can. If I want to sleep past the crack of dawn...I can without someone banging doors and drawers until I get up. It's little things...but for me, I wouldn't go back to my old life of servitude for anything.

HappyMac,
Thanks for bringing that up, about me giving all the reasons as to why reconciliation wouldn't work. I am basically playing devils' advocate. My family and friends would say the exact opposite of what you stated.<p>Since I am mistrusting of my own instincts I like to hear "from each side". <p>I do love my new found happiness and personal space. I like to think of it as "blooming where I have been planted".<p>Thanks for the feedback re: opposite sex friendship. That is confusing too! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Geesh,
It is no wonder I spend so much time with my 2yr. old nephew!!!!!

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>