First, where do I learn all of the abbreviation codes? I'm new to the boards. I've read lots of Dr. Harley's material, gotten the newsletter, my first attempt at the board. I was married 24.5 yrs when divorced after joint and ind. christian counseling.....there were other issues, and ex had started on medication but not soon enough. I was under such stress, that my dr. feared I'd have stroke, and so did I. We had many issues, major business debt to IRS, that kept recurring as ex didn't realize when I did withholding from employee paychecks it wasn't our money! There was no infidelity on either of our parts with other people. The issues largely was my husband behaved like a spoiled 13 yr old, I took all the heat, and I couldn't do it anymore. When I asked for a seperation, and he could move about 2 blks away, I agreed he'd join us for supper, spend evening w/girls and say goodnite. He'd stay until 2-3am. I'd lock up house (I'd changed locks) but he'd be at the foot of my bed saying"can't I just watch you sleep?"....he started to stalk me while I attempted to do my real estate work in rural community, disconnected my cellphone...so I was dependant upon him. I had former male client/friend that the girls knew, they asked if he could stay on our couch to keep Dad away so I could sleep, and we did that for some time. Ex got a girlfriend 8 yrs his senior, who was 'experienced' and had been divorced twice, widowed once, several long term engagements with property divisions. It became ugly and a mess. I was caught with NO money, a house payment/responsibilities, a business/office responsibilities.....and the friend stepped in and paid for all the things I couldn't, and ex wouldn't. As time went on, and I was so very grateful for him, I felt he was heaven sent, and we eventually married after my divorce was final. I need to add, that my 1st hubby and I had no children for 5 yrs when I lost a child between 5 & 6th mon. of PG. He was overwhelmed, and in the turmoil after, he raped me. He apologized, didn't know what had come over him. We'd had an active sex life - it wasn't about sex. It was upset/anger. We had a child almost 3 yrs later, and after that, sex was no more. I was a 'mother' now. He'd lost his own mother as a jr. in HS......but I became his mother, too. He would be relaxed if we were at a motel/away from home, but no sex at home. It was strained, but by the time #2 child 4 1/2 yrs later- it was more than he could handle. Whenever there was something major in our lives, rape occured, '79, '82, 85, 87,89,90,96. We had moved for a fresh start in every way, away from emeshed family, we sold house to pay up the IRS, we had never moved, it was great to be in a new community, it seemed like we'd be okay. He was still awkward about our sex life....and in 96 was the final rape, and I decided I couldn't do that anymore. It was a deal where he'd apologize afterward, but he couldn't help himself. I was devastated. I had never told a soul, and told my pastor in '96. I hadn't even told my counselor, as I'd been in counseling since '90. I had papers drawn but not filed in '96, he became suicidal, I agreed to stay until he could get his act together, it was the 2nd time he was that way, he had been when he turned 40, and I went to counseling with him, read aloud every nite, and nursed him through it. About the time my dr. was worried about a stroke, and suggested admitting me to hospital so I could figure out what I was doing, my father died the NEXT day. I decided life was too short, it was a sign, and I just plain said I WANT A DIVORCE it's a year and a half since the 12/96..it was now 6/98. With his gf on the scene, he was the meanest I'd ever seen him, I couldn't believe it....our divorce final 6/99. I remarried the friend 8/99. He and my girls were more than compatable, and he's been a great male role model for them. He'd lost his 1st wife to cancer, and had 2 kids, a son troubled but out of the house, daughter w/LD, hearing loss, troubled and hid her pg. until 32 weeks along (she was 15), she refused to sign adoption papers and I had to quit my high paying job and stayed home w/baby, six mos. later after daughter changed her mind, baby went on to adoption, and I was lost 8/00.....she was my baby in every way from 5 days until 8mos. 2 weeks old. I haven't been able to "get my act together" in many ways since my divorce....and of late, my ex FIL diagnosed w/brain cancer, and I've been in communication w/ex alot. It's been comfortable. We've had to talk alot about our teen daughter, and that has been comfortable. He's had to become an adult in my absense. His gf moved in w/him, but he never remarried, and she now has her grandson moved in for past 2 yrs, and most of parenting is done by my ex! boy is now 14. With the loss of my high $$ job, the baby, etc, newhubby filed bankruptcy, but we are still behind the eight ball. I have had more than a challenge to find work. We live in a rural community, and I'm over or underqualified. I can't even get hired as a school cook! At any rate........he's a hard working man, a good person, and deserves a fair shake but hasn't gotten many. We are most comfortable when it's the 2 of us, but as I said my girls love him, and it's not Father Knows Best, but it's going 'ok', but not anything like I would hope for. I don't have as severe health problems, but have been fighting depression. To add to the mix. (I know, we need more?) My mother and only sibling/sister took to ex, like I was a tainted woman. They celebrate holidays together - our childrens birthdays together, everything. Now that my mother is turning 80, she wants me there (for show I think) My new hubby won't go, suggested I ride w/my EX and girls to birthday (almost 3 hr drive one way).......he's had my head stirring, and I'm feeling like I'm in a blender, can't get myself motivated, find myself thinking about life w/ex, and now that he's resolved his IRS issues (I refused to lie to them anymore!), and had to grow up abit, he's the man I always knew he could be. In the meantime, I've been through tons of things w/new husband, this summer will be our 3rd anniversary. What is the matter with me? Am I having pangs because of shared memories, history, etc.? I feel upsidedown. I had to stop counseling this past winter due to weather/and money. So I haven't been since January. (can ya tell?) Am I crazy? Help me find N on my compass - thanks for sticking with the zany-details

Well, I must say, yeah, I think wanting to re-up with the x is crazy. Please read your own post and pretend it's by someone else. What would you tell them??<p>I think you do need to seek counseling...call your county mental health office and see if you can find a counselor that charges on a sliding scale. I think you really, really need this. <p>You need to dedicate yourself to your new marriage===I know you have problems, hell, we all do. Decide what you can fix and fix it, what you can't fix--leave alone. Try to only work on one thing at a time...more is overwhelming. <p>As for family siding with x, they didn't divorce him, you did but your allegiance belongs with your now husband. <p>Good luck. Post back and let us know how you are doing.

goodgirl,<p>Read Acronyms, Abbreviations, Etc. for an explanation.<p>Also read General Welcome for All New Builders<p>-AD

I agree with Frankly. Stay away from X!!!<p>Do you really think his behaviour has changed all that much!! To be honest, you sound somewhat like I did before I got married. Trying to justify the bad by looking only at the good. WRONG!!! Because it is the bad that you will have to deal with.<p>My bet is, that if you do get back together he will still treat you like "mommy" and his old ways will come back. The rape WILL continue, it is a pattern with him. The childlike ways, he did not suddenly "outgrow" them. He was that way his whole life, do you really think only a couple years away can make up for a lifetime of learned behaviour patterns? In a word, NO!!!<p>As Frankly said, invest all your energy into your new marriage and your kids. They are your family now. Ex had his chance. As for your new H suggesting you spend 3.5 hour car ride with your X, that sounds very strange to me. Do NOT do it. Take your new H also, or go alone with X but in separate cars.<p>Do not live in the past, there is nothing for you there. Look forward to a bright new future.<p>Best of luck.<p>A.

Thanks for the reality check, I think somehow I needed to write that all OUT, and tell SOMEONE I was having these thoughts, ya know? I felt tired and relieved, now reading answers, I can see I look pretty bird-brainish. Thanks for answering my kookie post of issues. I've been w/the same counselor who knows my family dynamics very well, been w/her since 91....I've had to have this hiatus, in the Winter it was weather, currently it's getting back into her schedule and $$, but I had an awesome job interview today, and am so hopeful! Any other comments appreciated, but I was getting to woozie with the romancing myself with those thoughts, it was GOOD to get them out of my head! THANKS, GG

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

GG,<p>One of the things that immediately jumps out at me is this..... You've been with the same IC (indiv. counselor) for 11 years? And you're >>>STILL<<< in the state that you find yourself?<p>I would suggest trying out someone new for therapy.<p>I'd say you DESPERATELY need to Plan A YOURSELF!!!! You need to fix YOU, before you can fix anything or anyone else. Don't even dare to get involved with XH, I certainly think that's a huge mistake. Your family may like him.... but he didn't rape them, did he? Do they even KNOW about that part of your previous "marriage"?<p>You are married to your current husband, and you do owe him and yourself to do everything in your power to make it work. I believe that starts with you. Fix you, first.<p>K

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

dear goodgirl,
It sure does feel good to get those feelings out. Think about it, you have been married 3 years- this can be equated to the 7-year itch. You know what to do, talking it out or writing it out helps put things in perspective. You are romanticizing about your x because you are unhappy with things right now, I would say make a list of what he has said or done that made you leave (you pretty much did this) and read it over and over. One crazy suggestion is daydream. Sit down in a quiet corner, get back with your x in your mind, make love to him, see him with your girls, see him opening up christmas gifts, waking up next to him. Go ahead, get back in your head, then think about how things will get eventually, see him rape you (in your mind) see him be nasty to you, see the looks on your daughter's faces as he rages outbursts and then break it off!!End the relationship in your mind. Sounds nuts but I've known it to work. And good luck with this job op. Once you get your feet on the ground, you will feel so much better.

goldeneagle

dear goodgirl,
It sure does feel good to get those feelings out. Think about it, you have been married 3 years- this can be equated to the 7-year itch. You know what to do, talking it out or writing it out helps put things in perspective. You are romanticizing about your x because you are unhappy with things right now, I would say make a list of what he has said or done that made you leave (you pretty much did this) and read it over and over. One crazy suggestion is daydream. Sit down in a quiet corner, get back with your x in your mind, make love to him, see him with your girls, see him opening up christmas gifts, waking up next to him. Go ahead, get back in your head, then think about how things will get eventually, see him rape you (in your mind) see him be nasty to you, see the looks on your daughter's faces as he rages outbursts and then break it off!!End the relationship in your mind. Sounds nuts but I've known it to work. And good luck with this job op. Once you get your feet on the ground, you will feel so much better.

goldeneagle