Dear friends,<p>I am almost crossing over the one-year mark on the divorced calendar. I was the WS and unfortunately 99.9% of those that listen to the whole story agree that there will be no reconciliation, not ever.<p>I still love my W and constantly pray for her well-being and health. She never gave our marriage a truthful opportunity to recover (since she was having an affair of her own). That is my greatest source of pain. Our marriage had nosedive crash with no help from either side to level off and recover before turning into pieces.<p>I eco the observation of some in this forum. Not only in the forum but also around my real life all I see is people getting or granting second chances for their relationship. Why that is not happening to me? I am happy for those who get another chance but at the same time it makes me feel so unfavorable.<p>Assuming that the 0.1% probability of reconciliation materializes, how much time you think is reasonable to wait for it to happen?<p>Thank you<p>IWC

Change,<p>Sorry for your pain. I have to say that not everyone is given or taking a second chance. When I ended our relationship it was for good. I just could not live through one more affair or the emotional abuse heeped upon me.<p>I know my situation is probably different than yours. And I wish I could give you a time line but only you will know. Just take time for you and figure out why you had the affair. Is she still with the OM? For her it might have been an exit affair. I have no idea. Do either of you still talk? How receptive is she to trying to reconcile? <p>Again I am so sorry for your pain.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by I will change!:
<strong> how much time you think is reasonable to wait for it to happen?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Do NOT wait. ACT.<p>Assuming, of course, you want really badly for your marriage (which I understand is already terminated?) to be repaired. <p>Follow the advice given in the MB website. Talk to your XW. See how she feels. As P2 noted, find out if she is seeing anyone. (important - she may have moved on). <p>SHOW her you really want to make it work this time. If you just hang around waiting, it could be forever.<p>A.

I will change: I feel the same as you. I read all the posts here and it seems everyone but me gets a second chance with their spouse. My H left me for OW and that was it - the door was closed. It left me with no closure. He wouldn't even speak to me except to e-mail me telling me that speaking to me "would be too difficult for him". Our final judgment will be signed in a few weeks much to my deep regret. <p>I sincerely hope that everyone that gets a second chance makes the most of it, as I would have done if I had been given the chance.

Pahakissa2,<p>Thank you for your reply. I already figured out (with professional help) why I did it, and yes, blame falls on both sides. See, last month my XW admitted dating the OM even before my A started and as far as I know they are still dating. OM is also married.<p>XW is totally against any form of comeback; no counseling, dating, family activities, etc. I had to limit communications since she has played/manipulated my feelings to get what she wants. On the positive side I can now identify these manipulation schemes and block them very early on the development stage. She has noticed the new lack of control over me.<p>As you said, I don&#8217;t know the specifics of your story either. But, Can you say you honestly tried to save your marriage before filing for divorce? This is the heavy stone in my shoulders. Even after God kicked me, got me out of my fog and I returned to save the marriage it was only me trying. She would say, &#8220;yes we are trying&#8221; just to get me off her back. That is zero opportunity for the marriage and the family before and after the divorce. Trust me it hurts and is very frustrating.<p>In the mean time I am working on myself and becoming an even better person.<p>Thanks<p>IWC

There are no guarantees. Unfortunely, divorce is a natural consequence to an A. <p>However, I read somewhere to wait 2 years. <p>Be careful about pursuing her. <p>My H pursued me relentlessly and it was a major LB. What was a LB? him in my site (seeing him), signs that he was in my life (mail from him), etc. My only request was that my H "move on". Once he respected my wishes, I had the space I needed to heal. If she wants you to leave her alone, leave her alone. <p>As far as second chances... look at my signature line. We've had a rough time over MANY years but we are now in true recovery. Be encouraged...

Avatar, I LuvNprotect ME,<p>I am not pushing myself into her life. She wants her space and she is getting it. We only communicate when it pertains to our sons. Almost always is she who initiates the communication. We are limited to email since by phone, almost always, it get out of control.<p>I cannot be unloving to her, is not in my nature. Right now my plan is to continue to be good and loving to her as that brings happiness to my heart. My goal is to move on with my life but leave the option open to negotiation if she comes forward suggesting reconciliation.<p>Thank you.<p>AWC

Hi Change,<p>
I have no idea where to start with my story. We were together for a little over five years. He has cheated on me since the beginning. I would find out about a couple of the affairs and we would go to therapy. The relationship would improve a bit for about three months and then the cycle would start all over again. <p>He was verbally abusive to me since the beginning. Toward the end I was hit a few times. The last six months we were together he started using drugs and even had the nerve to bring on of his OW to live in my house. I tried with all my might to save the relationship but He did not want to do the work required. <p>For me the relationship has been over for about a year even though for six months we still lived together. We never saw each other during that time. I am still going through a couple of more cort cases. They are pertaining to the Protective orders. I have sold my house and moved into a flat. I am just tryin to rebuild my life. <p>Funny I am still hopeful that one day I will meet someone who will love me and cherish me. It is just a shame he could not see me for all my wonderful qualities. <p>You wife might be the same. I wish I knew so I could tell you what to do to save your marriage. I failed at saving mine. All I do know is that it takes two for the relationship to work and if she is not willing to work on it than I am sorry but it will never come to fruition. But she might just need time to see what she is loosing. Maybe just do the best you can to rebuild your life and be a father to your children.

Hi Pahakissa2,<p>Thank you again for your reply. This is the first time I successfully engage in sharing comments over one of my postings. In the best interest not to bore other members that may want to share their opinion, I invite you to do a search under my username to get more details about my personal case.<p>I am at the same stage with regards to good qualities. My XW can cite all the little bad incidents in our marriage all the way back to our honeymoon but not a single compliment on my good husband/father qualities. We are still at the blame stage. Maybe is more accurate to say that she is and every once in a while she drags me into the mud.<p>So here I am, building on my persona and becoming an even better man and reinforcing the beautiful bond that I have with my sons. I pray a lot and I am making promises to God. I hope that He will see the honesty and how repentant I am in my heart and touches my XW&#8217;s so she can allow one last chance.<p>I hope that you and everybody in this forum find happiness in one way or another. Furthermore, I hope God becomes our North.<p>Again, Thank you all for your unbiased and honest opinion.
God Bless.<p>IWC

I will Change,<p>There is no chance that you will reconcile until her affair ends. Since it is a long one and predates your own affair my guess is that she has used yours a justification for what she has and is doing. AFter all she is also trying to breakup yet another persons marriage, she is the OW. <p>So until her affair ends, there is little you can do or could of done. You were dumb enough to provide her with the perfect excuse to continue what she had already done, begin the end of your marriage. It is truely sad, but as I tell kids I coach, it is usually the second guy that gets caught and penalized. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you are inclined hang in there, but I would personally suggest that you start to move on and develop a life. If the opportunity comes you will appear more attractive to her. Frankly, having an affair with a MM, is a sure fire way to waste away a life. Don't you do the same.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL<p>Thank you for your honest and to the point input,<p>You hit the nail right on the head! After I confessed my affair and started working on rebuilding the marriage she just made me think that I was 100% of the problem. Then she, effectively, got my focus away from tiny bits of evidence that were indicating something was going on with her and OM. The label on my forehead that read cheater blinded me and could not see hers. <p>But like I said, I found forgiveness in my heart both for her and myself. I placed my case and my hopes on God&#8217;s hands. In the mean time, like you very well suggested, I am working on becoming an even more attractive and complete person. That&#8217;s the plan, look forward to a new life and willing to hear my XW if she ever wants to try again.<p>Please keep your opinions coming.<p>God Bless you all,<p>IWC

Hi IWC,<p>What part of Texas? I am going to see my family and friends over july 4th weekend in Austin. I did read your posts. It was quit insightful. <p>You can read my posts but I think you will find it very long and very much the same issues. I started posting as Pahakissa, and then Pahakissa1, now I am Pahakissa2. I like you did have the issue with his family being in the middle of our relationship. A week would not go by where his Mother did not ask him to leave me. Nice. <p>I did the best I could with what I had. Please understand that I was by no means perfect. I did a lot of hurtful things to him. I feel awful about it. Now I see the relationship for what it was though. He wanted to leave his family but did not know how. He still let his Mother control him. I miss his good qualities but I do not miss the multiple affairs, the verbal abuse, and in general the way I was made to feel about myself. <p>No matter what I did it was wrong. I just shut down emotionally and physically. The last year we were together I was sick for most of it. <p>As far as your wife. You have no hope as long as the affair is going on. Not sure what she expects. Maybe she thinks that he will divorce his wife. Not likely. The Harley's state that affairs ussually last only six months once they are exposed. My guess is his wife does not know. <p>I am not saying do anything rash such as inform the OM's wife. But the best thing is to just work on you and focus on what you want out of life. Maybe she exited the marriage a long time ago. I am so sorry for that. <p>I know for me...I wanted to be married and build a life together. Now I sometimes get angry and feel cheated out of that. It is scary being alone. I just hope that one day I will be blessed with a marriage. My guess is you migh feel the same way. There is always hope. God can take water and make wine. Just know that it has been stated many times that when a door shuts God opens a window. Try not to focus too much on the door that you miss the open window.

Hi Pahakissa2, <p>I Live in SA TX, just one hour drive south IH35.<p>Thank you for taking the time to read some of the background in my story. Her family had priority over decisions concerning our marriage and XW even pretended for her family to outrank our house rules and way of life when they were visiting. The where very at ease with the divorce and seemed happy about it. They are very money oriented and pretended to tap into our finances putting pressure on my XW for money. I confronted them on many occasions and held my grounds as an independent head of household. After doing that several times they started putting negative thoughts in my XW&#8217;s head.<p>I am pretty sure that her relationship with the OM is still on going. The thoughts of letting his wife know crossed my mind but it is not my job to do. God shall be the one who administers justice at the end.<p>They were dating very openly and even involving our sons and visiting her house regularly. After I told her of a few activities that I was told they did she accused me of following her or using a private detective to follow her around. That is totally false, I found out by a mutual friend and our oldest son (he told me without me asking). Now seems like they got a little bit scared and are more in underground mode. OM&#8217;s wife is a nurse with very odd work schedules.<p>You are right, everybody is, and there is no chance until the affair ends.<p>I want to love again even more deeply and passionately as before. Let it be on God&#8217;s planned time.<p>I wish you the best and thank you for your words of encouragement.<p>IWC
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