Hi everyone,<p>I have never been married, but currently got out of a relationship with a man who was going through a divorce. I thought maybe some of you could get me some insight on how long it takes to get over a divorce after it has been finalized. His wife cheated on him with a man that she worked with. Their affair lasted quite a while, but I don't know if it is still on-going. I know that shortly after we broke up, the wife came to him (the man I was dating) and wanted him back. He says he will always love her, but that he will never ever get back together with her again. He is now 33.<p>When we first started dating the divorce proceedings had already started. We work together and spent a lot of time together outside of work, too. He told me he loved everything about me, and that he cared so much for me (he still tells me that now). But shortly after the divorce was final, he started acting so strange...drinking heavily, pushing me away. My question is, is this typical? He still makes it a point to keep me in his life (we dated for a little over a year), but says that right now he is really messed up, and doesn't trust women. He says he wants so badly to be that one for me, but just isn't ready yet. He says he doesn't want to see anyone. However, like I said he still makes it a point to keep me in his life. Is this typical for a man whose wife cheated on him? I have never been married, and am fairly younger than him (6 years). I guess I am just trying to get over this and thought maybe there were some men or women out there that could help me. Please don't think badly of me, like I said the divorce proceedings had started before we dated. In retrospect, we should have waited but I was naive. I did not date anyone else nor have I since we broke up. I just want some understanding so that I can move on. Thank you for your help, and I am sorry for those who are going through a messy divorce. My father left my mother for another woman last year after 30 years of marriage, and it was such a difficult time for us all. It is so sad how a man's selfish act can affect so many people's lives. Thanks again and I wish you all the best.

Hi ACE, First of all, I'm sorry for your pain, no matter what the cause. Yes you were right saying you should have waited till D was final. You keep refering to his W cheating on him, while he was cheating with you. It doesn't matter who cheated first, cheating is cheating. And until his divorce is final, well, you get the picture. It takes everyone differnt lengths of time to "get over" things. He probably will have to work through a lot of garbage and feelings to get to the point of moving on. Sometimes people look for something to divert their attention to during times of trouble, kind of an escape. My advice for you,and this is just my opinion, is to move on and make a life for yourself. It will take a lot of pressure off of both of you. He obiously has a lot to deal with. If you try to wait it out, it could take a long time and become quite painful. He may even decide to go back to his wife. It's hard to make decisions about marriage and problems when others are involved. The decent thing to do, just in my opinion, is to move on and cut him loose.

Thanks, I really appreciate the advice and agree on most points. I guess I never really considered it "cheating" because the divorce was indeed in process, but I know people have varying opinions on that. The safest and smartest thing would have been to wait, I know this. I agree that the best thing to do is move on which I am trying very hard to do. It is just really tough when you have to see the person everyday and they make a special effort to talk to you. I know for both of our sakes it is best to move on and cut him loose..I agree with you on that. I just care about him a great deal and don't want to be rude or cold. Do you think a letter would be appropriate? or should I just be polite but not stop and talk when he tries to talk to me? I really appreciate your advice. Good luck with everything you are going through, I will keep you in my prayers.

I glad to hear that you are ready to move on. I don't know what the best thing to do would be but this is what I would do; I would just have a talk with him and explain that you need to move on and he has already stated that he needs time. You don't have to be rude or mean but let him know what you can andcannot deal with. If it is too hard to just talk to him then tell him. I think two adults can give each other the space they need without being rude if they are both mature about it. I feel it is always better to be honest with people without intent of malice but you can't always control how they perceive it. It sounds like you are a nice person who wants to do the right thing. I don't think writing him a letter explaining this to him would be out of the question if you feel you cannot discuss it rationally due to emotions involved. Even tho you made a mistake, it sounds like you've learned alot from this already. You know what you did wrong, you know what you want and need to do, and I hope you have forgiven yourself anddon't get bogged down. We all make mistakes and you are trying to do right and I commend you for it.
Love yourself enough to expect the best and don't settle for anything less. You have to achive and maintain a high opinion of yourself to want what's right for you. I have found when I get down on myself, are the times I compromise and settle for less and then you have another set of problems to deal with. You are lucky in a sense to have learned this lesson early on and hopefully avoid it later. Good Luck!
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