I have been painted in a very bad light by my husband. He said "One of the problems is....my wife has NO dreams, NO goals, No ambitions." What a joke! Is this even possible for a living, breathing human being? All my life I wanted to be a teacher. I went to college and got my teaching degree. Unfortunately, I hated it once I actually did it. He still holds this against me. I then worked as a Home Health Aide which I loved because my heart's desire(so it turns out)is to work with the elderly. When we had our first child in 1994(after 2 miscarriages) my goal then became to be a stay home mother for her and then our two other children born in 1995 and 1997. At one time we had a 3 yr.3mo. old, 2yr. old and a newborn. I worked hard at taking care of the children and being a good mother, although I missed my work with the elderly. When our middle child started school, I decided to go back to school and become an RN so that I could make a bigger impact with the elderly than a Home Health Aide could. Does this sound like I have no goals, dreams, or ambitions? I am currently working at the local hospital as a Nurse Extern for 150 hours and loving every second of it. I highly recommend nursing as a career. I will be returning to school in the fall to finish my last year of classes. This does take a big commitment of me. I hardly have time for anything else, including my children and husband. I feel bad about this, but I do think it will be worth it in the end. My children respect my decision and we sometimes do our homework together! Unfortunately bp22 has no respect for me or my d ecision. He is appalled that I want to do something as "lowly" as work with the elderly and he embarrassed by it. So you can see why he says the stuff he does about no goals etc. Just because they don't fit into his "expectations" for his life. He also says that I have no confidence and a low self-esteem, and that I have not grown over the years or since I went back to school. Bull again!!!! I don't understand why he is so blind to the way things really are. also, when do I have time to "watch tv and go straight to bed"? It is difficult dealing with my husband as you can imagine if you've been reading everything he's written. It's hard after you're partner has been unfaithful and verbally abusive for years.(although he has improved in this area) He says I am doing nothing to help improve this marriage. I wouldn't be with him if I wasn't trying. We went to counseling for a while, but he was not very cooperative. Of course everything is my fault because I am not the person that he wants me to be. I am starting to babble now so I better take a break. Thanks for listening. I love my husband despite all of this(although he tries to convince me that I don't).

mp22,<p>I'm glad you got on here and presented your point of view. Don't worry. I don't think anybody accepted bp22's POV as the literal truth - only as the way he sees it. If the two of you can stick around here, you might be able to use this forum to work out some of your issues. There is another couple, "J" and "DoItRight" that have been doing that - even tho they are separated (by hundreds of miles, last time I checked), they have a lively discussion here and are resolving some issues.<p>Saturday there is much less activity here, since apparently, most people post from work. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Keep posting and presenting your POV. There are sympathetic people here who might be able to help.<p>-AD

my X told me everything from the A to falling in love with MOW was my fault. X told me he couldnt talk with me because I didnt have a college education. x has a 4yr degree. He wasnt too smart to be having sex with MOW around 12 noon on a public road. Dont blame yourself for his problems. your H is the one with problems. when a person is unhappy with what they are doing in their life they try to blame everyone for their problems. I was a nurses aide before having our son, then desert storm called me for 10 months of active duty. I am proud of the jobs I have had. My X has had 4 jobs after retiring from the navy 4 yrs ago. X has a problem walking off jobs if he is not happy, then blames the co-workers for being jerks. <p>X-42 w-48
C-13,28, 7 gd
D-5-23-02<p>MOW-28
C-3 under 10
D-pending

Well, I can't be happier to see mp22 posting! Wow, I am impressed...and not being sarcastic or anything. Couldn't be happier. I read this at a late night work session...<p>I will say, and did say i think, that mp22 return to school has been good for her. Although fundamentally not sure it changes things...although as she points out, there are only so many hours in a day... Time will tell.<p>Please, all of you, PLEASE try and help both of us. There's NOTHING I want more. <p>bp22

Just for fun, why not go back and edit your post B? End it with a quick "See you at home later, love you M" or "We can do this sweetheart."<p>These little things that we neglect to do for each other are the foundation for the big things. Kind of like the crack in the foundation that makes the appraiser go hmmmm.<p>You knew your wife would be reading this B, and you were replying to her post, therefore speaking to her. I understand that you wanted to give others a message, but I kind of felt like you left her out in this. <p>It may have been that you were at work and rushed, but again, even when rushed we need to remind those we love that we care.<p>These are the kind of things in our lives that become either a bad habit or a good habit. We can either choose to keep ignoring a need of our spouse, or we can make sure that they are assured of our constant love and devotion.<p>The time it would take out of our day is minimal, the impact on a marriage is amazing.<p>Elizabeth

mp22 & bp22,
The boards can help, but the books are the basis.
The board assumes you've read the basic concepts on the site, and taken the questionnaires, but you should also buy the books to truly understand how this site can help you.
Good Luck.
And, why are you on the D/D board?????

I read his posts. He presented a picture of you as well as himself. I don’t think you need to come here and “defend” yourself. What is important is that you can come here and read his thought process as he extricates himself from the marriage and validates through others. <p>He had an affair. That in itself is a marriage breaker and in typical fashion that issue is in the past, forget about it, she’s gone, it’s over, and she means nothing. I imagine you are in a great deal of pain.<p>In further typical pattern we have decisions made at the age of 12, 20, whatever, that are now age invalidated. However, decisions made now are valid for some reason.<p>We see another thread about “friendly divorce”, again, a common fantasy request. The departing partner just wants everything to be “okay”. Everybody get okay and be okay with this, it’s for the best attitude. We can still do things as a family, right? There are after all a series of “logical” facts behind this logical decision. <p>The departing partner comments they would love to see you with someone else and associated drivel. It would immediately absolve the departing partner of responsibility for you to find a replacement and end things. That is beyond reality, disrespectful, and a ridiculous fantasy of those wishing to slide out of a marriage the “easy” way. <p>There is a huge litany of fundamental problems with the marriage that have ALWAYS been there. And on and on various logical appearing debate on why this marriage needs to end.<p>When I first read the posts I thought about 3 small children to tend, a household, schooling. I thought there is some poor women out there doing all this with zero support and zero appreciation while the spouse has affair and calmly compiles the exit list. Right now, no matter what you do – including SLEEP, you lose. Even though in school and working towards YOUR goal you get:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I will say, and did say i think, that mp22 return to school has been good for her. Although fundamentally not sure it changes things...although as she points out, there are only so many hours in a day... Time will tell. <hr></blockquote><p>Right now, there is a place, but no person for him to run to and in hindsight he might see that an affair is the coward’s way to end the marriage. These could be entirely different posts here if the affair partner had worked out and he had simply left, like a lot of people do. The answer would be a simple Plan A for you. I think the situation is even more difficult when the affair is forced to end in physicality but continues in the mind of the wayward spouse. He’s had a taste of something wonderful, or so it seems, and you are a spouse whose spouse is still in the mental space of an affair. <p>While I may have totally invalidated his complaints you do need to listen to him. Something is wrong and you BOTH need to work this out. He’s posting on MB, still in the home and claims to want to build a marriage. I would love to see you posting about sessions with the Harleys. Please, make the best use of MB by starting counseling NOW.<p>In the mean time you keep doing a great job with your kids, your schooling, your home and love him as best you can. He is unhappy and lost, but not you. Search this site and think about some financial protection for yourself and kids. Not to scare you but this can all turn very ugly, very quickly. That is the reality of divorce.<p>Hoping I have not offended anybody, all just my free opinions after reading and watching here for years. I’d love to see this marriage come together.

to Justhewife, did I spell that right? Anyways... The reason bp22 talks to me that way is because of his lack of respect for me and his lack of love and devotion. He reminds me almost every day that his coming back home is just a trial basis and that he's going to see how I change ever time. He says that he doesn't look down on me , but I think that he wouldn't talk to me in the third person if he didn't! Thanks for your remarks. I appreciate them.

BP22,<p>I'm sorry I said that. It was unhelpful, and in your current situation, the stakes are too high for me to be making such statements.<p>I hope you will proceed as if I didn't say that.<p>-AD<p>[ June 24, 2002: Message edited by: AD ]</p>

Wesley Crusher? Oh hogwash. I wish I was half as bright...But that's ok, we can all think what we like. I'm hard to offend...most people will not think like me. That's OK.<p>But, I will have to say, and maybe I am wrong, but I think so many people seem to have such a limited view of what relationships can be. I'll never say there won't be lots of work and effort and much need for compromise, but there is so much more than what most people seem to expect.<p>I have high expectations...I know this. It can be a double edged sword. And it HAS to be nasty for people who don't share similar high expectations.<p>So many people live such fake lives, pretending, denial, call it what you want...and they call it happiness. If people would be more honest with themselves, what a different place the world would be. Maybe not better, mind you, but certainly different.<p>Have to run. It is wonderful though to have all you all "talking" with us. <p>I have to go back to playing with my tinker toys and legos now....LOL.

And just one more comment. Not to make anyone mad here...but just to point out what appears to be a consistent fact...<p>Has everyone here been the recepient of a divorce? I.e. it was not what you wanted, but rather your spouse? I guess that does completely set your attitude and approach...hard to forget about watching someone hack your leg (or heart) off.<p>One most always be aware of the sample in any study...selections affects can predetermine all the results...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by bp22:
<strong>...I think so many people seem to have such a limited view of what relationships can be.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm guilty of this. I expected a monogomous, supportive, safe relationship. Probably not much unlike what mp22 thought she was getting.