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What are your opinions on this:
It seems, myself included, that our opinions and self esteem are based so much on what others think of us and how they treat us. I am trying to break away from this. Reason being, is that if someone else has a low opinion of us and or expresses something we don't like, it somehow affects us and starts us on a merry-go-round of feelings, emotions, and actions. Their opinion of us is not who we are. How we perceive and react to thier opinions may, however, reveal something about who we are. If we all started working on who we are, for our own sake, we would all be in growing into a perosn we want to be and a person someone else would want to be with. I say," Let us first be true to ourselves". Anything less than that is phoney anyway. We spend so much time focusing on our spouse, what we need and want from them, what they need and want from us, that we get lose fact of who we really are. None of us are perfect, we all have room for improvement, but we need to do it for the right reason. If you make a lot of changes for the sake of someone else and they don't respond accordingly, it will evetnually bring about resentment and here we are on the merry-go-round again. <p>I know this site is for saving marriages, but when you get to know who you really are, what you really want, you may find that you are fighting to save/regain something you don't even want.<p>I'm all for becoming a better person, but first for my own benefit, not the benefit of someone else. If we become that person, it will benefit that other person.<p>I challenge everyone to get honest with yourself, quit hiding behind issues, look deep inside and become that person you want to be. Don't let what other people think stop you. <p>When you are truly comfortable with who you are, you have so much more to offer, it doesn't matter if you get everything you want, and you don't mind to go that extra mile for others. But this has to come from within, no one else can give this to you.<p>We all get on here and air our dirty laundry and that's ok. We are looking for support and we all need it. But I have to wonder if some are not addicted to getting a pat on the back, you're right, you're spouse is wrong, you poor thing, shame on you or what ever. I agree we all have to start somewhere, but I think it has to be within. It is sometimes much easier to deal with painful issues rather that deal with who we really are.<p>You are the only one you can change. Be true to you first and formost. It sounds selfish, but in the longhaul it's what we all need. If you can't be true to yourself, can you really be true to anyone else?<p>--------------------<p>47 yr old/Married 21 yrs
4 children 14/17/18/20
H had A or A"s??
Gave it all I had/nothing left to give
Working on plan D(divorce)<p>Inner Peace...finally!!<p>
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Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2002 | IP: Logged

<p>All times are CT (US)

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hello FI and LL:
I too agree that we let people influence who we are and what we become. Since I married my STBXH right out of High School, I feel like I never really had the chance to be me. I was always the person that someone else thought I should be. Maybe this was part of recent problems because he started living his life for him only and didn't give a rat's a%& about anyone else. I think he went overboard on the selfish bit. We have to find a happy medium. It took some one asking me if I would want him back if he isn't the person that I married before I realized that I fighting to save/regain something that I didn't even want. You put that so well FI. Every day I get a little stronger and I think part of it is that I am able to vent to people that are going through the same sh?$ that I am and there are people like you Free Indeed that post things that make me really think. Just like the post about your dash. That one will be remembered for a long time in my book. There was a point where I was willing to take WH back after D-Day and would have done anything to please him, even if it meant being someone that I'm not. I realize now that would never have worked. I would have been resentful and wouldn't have really felt good about myself. One of the best decisions that I made was to tell him that I would consent to the DV. Don't get me wrong there wasn't joy in my heart but I knew that in order for me to be the person that I wanted to be I needed to do something. Once again, thanks for making me think.
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Free Indeed,

I agree completely... good post.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Free Indeed: I agree with you. I feel like I did everything to try and save my marriage. But if your partner is not interested in trying, what's the use? I feel emotionally spent. Husband moved out this morning. Has been going thru mid-life crisis and questioning his life. Has been having an affair with co-worker (although he denies it)and know that she told him that if anything happened to me, that she would be there for him. I too, have reached the point that why try anymore? <p>Married: 11-16-74
Separated: 6-24-02
High school sweethearts
2 adult children: 24 & 21

Ah, yes. Memories of Babylon 5...<p>The Vorlons' question: "Who are you?"
The Shadows' question: "What do you want?"<p>I don't really disagree with anything in your post, FreeIndeed, but some of what you say is perilous when twisted slightly out of its proper context...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by FreeIndeed:
<strong>I'm all for becoming a better person, but first for my own benefit, not the benefit of someone else. If we become that person, it will benefit that other person.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>In Babylon 5, Lorien (the First One) posited a third question: "Why are you here? Do you have anything worth living for?"<p>[ June 24, 2002: Message edited by: GnomeDePlume ]</p>

I hate to disagree. Marriage is about 2 becoming one. All of the problems that occur in marriage are when one or both spouses start thinking about themselves and not each other. This clearly shows when on the spouse&#8217;s starts an EA and then a PA. The Plan A is the spouse&#8217;s effort to again bring the marriage back to a "US" stage instead of a ME. Some WS after getting through the FOG stage (ME,ME,ME) make a decision to save the marriage where other WS (we cannot control) continue to only concentrate on ME, ME, ME. Any spouse that is only in the marriage to get what they want out of the marriage will eventually lead the marriage to divorce. It&#8217;s all in the mindset. Are we complaining about what our spouse is not doing for us (MEism) or do we focus on how much we love our spouse and how do we show that love. This is a decision only you can make. You cannot make you spouse focus on US. Focusing on US does leave us exposed to hurt, but that is what marriage is all about, exposing ourselves to each other.

Hubby,

I understand what you are saying in your post, and I agree with what you are saying... Boy... I'm sure agreeable today.

Anyway, IMHO, and I could be wrong... I think what the post is trying to say is be yourself, for who you want to be and can be. If your not happy with yourself, you are not going to make anyone else happy, at least not in the long run. Don't be a phoney, it won't last.

I don' think it means to be happy at the expense of causing others pain, or undue suffering just so long as your happy with yourself and what is going on around you.

Shoot... most of us have nothing but WS's doing that.

I think we are all trying to seek happiness within our lives... as well as with our spouses... me, me, me, but as one with our spouses.

That's just my opinion I could be wrong!

Wallace

OK HUBBY,<p>First of all, I hope I don't sound defensive and I completly agree with the concept of becoming one. I became one, or tried to, but it's hard to be "one" when the other one is acting like two. I tried for over 20 years. I can't be one with ( I want to say an idiot) but I won't. I can't be one with someone who wont let me in. I wanted more than anyhting to be "one" with the person I married. Can two become one with, oh let's see...one or two more, throw in a passale of lies, deceit, tons of harsh words, a slap in the face now and then and you get the picture. <p>Wallace understands pretty well what I'm trying to say. If we become a better person, because that's what we want for ourself, we will only be better for that other person.
But...if you do soley for that other person and that person strays or really screws up and continues on that path, it makes you resentful and mad at yourself for doing it just fo them.<p>I don't know if I made any sense at all, but when you become one it should be a blend of both partners, not one giving up their identity, dreams and values for the sake of the other.<p>You have to become one to have a successful marriage because a house divided against itself will fall.

Free Indeed, I also understand where you're coming from. My D is pending. WH is still living with much younger MOW, as far as I know.<p>When I begin to feel sad about our 20 years together, I remember the lies, and the deceit, the threats of violence and the demeaning, hateful words.<p>Being true to myself is so important after spending all my time for the last 1.5 years trying to get him back. Taking care of myself would make our relationship better if he had chosen to come back. But he didn't. Becoming a better person benefits a marriage, it doesn't harm it. <p>But it takes TWO and when there's only one person working on the relationship, there isn't a relationship. At least by working on ourselves we make it easier to go on alone...

Hey All,<p>Seems to me that bottom line you have to like the person you see everyday in the mirror in the morning. <p>I didn't change for the better for Val to come back home, I changed for me and life couldn't be better.<p>Hey, Wallace!! How come you sound like a Dennis Miller fan?

Medic,

Dennnis Miller? Who's that?

Never heard of him. LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Wallace