Hello MB friends,<p>
Any comments on this letter would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Keep me in your prayers.<p>Here's a brief history:<p>
Married 1980 (now 3 kids)<p>1982 started a business<p>WH - A 86-87 & 91-92 (illegal substances involved)<p>99 - moved away from home to take care of his father who was very ill at the time. He passed away & WH stayed out of state & started working there (an extension of our busness)<p>Probably the real reason he stayed was an A with old HS friend. <p>July 2001 - started 2nd A with a (drug) queen
Oct 01 - D day for OW1 & OW2. <p>Repeated ddays for ow2.<p>June 02 - Dday for subtance abuse as well.<p>June 02 Our business is failing, we just lost a major contract. My thoughts are to get out with the least amount of damage.<p>I have been living with 2 of our kids at my Mom's and WH has his ownn place & Oldes S living there. (We are 1200 miles away from home)<p>This letter is a last ditch effort, but in reality I have no hope for this m. WH has problems that have nothing to do with me. Even his brother thinks I should get out, which I am prepared to do. That doesn't mean it's easy, but I can't continue like this.<p>So, any thought, comments ...... <p>Here's the letter<p>
Dear WH,<p>This is the hardest letter I’ve ever written. You are the love of my life and I thought I was yours, but now I’m thinking that I was wrong.<p>Flash back, October 9, 2001, the night I took all my stuff out of your place after finding you and J there. I had come to the realization that you had been having an affair. Later that night when we spoke, I told you “It was over” then repeated something you had told me 26 years before “Smile Blondie, life is too short.” You were so right & I told you I wasn’t living like this anymore. I thought that meant getting a divorce would be the answer. When I left ------, I felt at that point that our marriage was over, hopeless. Neither on of us had been happy for a long time. I knew something was wrong, I just wasn’t sure what it was or how to fix it.<p>The shock I felt, the betrayal and hurt was almost overwhelming. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and left dangling, bleeding and pulsing. My whole world turned upside down, couldn’t eat, sleep or concentrate for a long time. When I got back to Florida, I saw an attorney to pursue getting a divorce. I just couldn’t imagine how we could ever get through this.<p>Later on in October, friends in church asked how I was & I broke out in tears. They prayed and sought God’s help for me. Not long afterwards I went to an old email account that I hardly ever used anymore. There were more than 350 unread emails. I scanned through them and only opened 2 of them. One was a newsletter that had an article on infidelity! That floored me. One, because I didn’t know anything like that existed and two, of the more than 350 emails, I pick this one. Co-incidence?<p>From there I found Marriage Builders and Steve Harley. When I read the principles and story after story of marriages in recovery, I began to think that there was hope for us. If they could do it, then so could we. Some were in even worse circumstances than us) It gave me hope. Marriage Builders had books, articles on the web and discussion forums. I read them all.<p>My feeling changed in that I wanted to try to work things out and that I was willing to do whatever it took to recover and restore our marriage. I didn’t know if we would or could, but I did know that I loved you deep down inside (not what you did). That no matter if we ended up getting divorced or staying married, that I wanted to leave no stone unturned. <p>When I first confronted you, I asked that you be honest with me & that we could get through just about anything, that if I later found out you lied, that I didn’t think that we could get thru that.<p>
Fast forward to today, we find ourselves leading very separate lives. You have lived 1200 miles away from home for over 3 years and built a single lifestyle for yourself that did not include me or the kids.<p>Being here, spending (a little) more time with you, I am able to see things in a new light. What it looks like is 1991-1992 all over again. The weight loss, irritability, sneezing attacks, confusion, inability to concentrate, that look on your face, avoidance of conversations & being with me or our family, & friends …. I thought was chemical sensitivity and long hours, now I know different – it’s (substance abuse).<p>Now this life that you have built for yourself the last 3 years includes (substance), affairs, an ongoing relationship with J, your “friends” and golf. It turns out that our marriage was just smoke and mirrors. I’m having a nightmare just imagining that you have continued to see Janice and to find out (substance) very much rules your life. In my heart it seems like a bad dream but in my head I know it’s true. Was the last 27 years just a lie?<p>I know I’ve had my faults as a wife and have been willing to work on those. But at this most difficult juncture in our marriage, I want you to know that I am releasing you to your choices. You are free to go. I love you very much and I made a commitment to love you and only you forever. But my heart is breaking. Our marriage is in serious trouble and if you have any hope of saving it, I need to hear in the next few days what you think we can do about it, including recovery from substance abuse. <p>Regardless of your decision, I wish you the very best.<p>Love, <p>D.<p>
PS: Since there are decisions that need to be made right now, I want to let you know my feelings about (Our Business). My heart is not in it based on what is going on with us and your use of cocaine. I know that you can pull off just about anything straight, but I don’t feel the same way with you using. I just want to get out with the least amount of damage. If you decide you want to continue with another partner, then that can be arranged. <p>
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
God Bless, <p>D.
[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]<p>[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</p>

I don't know what to say other than god bless you and be strong for yourself and the kids.

newly,<p>Thanks for your response. This situation just hurts. A part of me is scared if he says he wants to restore this m, cuz I'm not sure I could ever have SF with hime again imagining him with OW2. The kids are who I am concerned about. <p>God Bless,<p>D.

HI WGTT, I know exactly where you're at being 1200 miles away and trying to make a M work when WS has OP....OF course the first thing you want to do is work on you because you want to move forward and not backwards...Drugs and A's are moving backwards in life......<p>A person occupied with Drugs and OW2 has pretty much surrounded themselves in there own world, living a lie, at this point they can't tell the truth standing on top of a Bible, holding a cross in there hand..<p>I lived in Florida when my WS/W started having her A's, discovered she was having 5 all within 3 months......1st d-day was Nov 2000 then I left in July 2001 because she just wouldn't stop it was just a constant affliction of betrayal and hurt to me over and over as she continued in each new one there after. Until they stop the drugs or affairs not much you can do to have a marriage you once knew they are very self-centered at this point. You asked your H about getting substance abuse help, thats very important, it takes [2] to restore a relationship equally.<p>Before I knew of this site I already was doing a plan A through counseling. After a counseling session together with WW I continued doing a A and then started plan B and it started working however she countined with A's therefore I did a hard plan C [mine] and left the state due to she was doing to much damage to me we were already seperated at this point, I think I'd be in a mental hospital if I would have stayed, she's a threat to my mental well being with her actions, and my life is more important than to try to get her to be in love with me even though that was my bestfriend, lover and spouse of 21 years.<p>I'm not saying go get a DV but for peace of mind and to be guilt free, explore and try all options without doing any further damage to yourself. If you do that then you know you tried your hardest to make it work, if you had to walk away at least you would progress in life instead of licking the everyday day wound of guilt and shame, sending him the letter is great thats the start, it lays it on the table and he needs to make some choices.<p>AS far as Florida DV laws, its a cruel process, make sure you and H are in agreement over everything because if you don't agree the Judge will do it for you and they are not fair....WWW.Floridadivorce.com will tell what you're up against.....As I said I'm not encouraging DV........You need to see what your H wants to do first through your letter. <p>His brother already gave his thoughts about you guys, I'd get a response from your H first than you'll know.
.................Take Care

WGTT - <p>Lit a candle for you today and am sending prayers your way. <p>Good letter, just make sure you have a plan in place once it's sent.<p>In the letter, I'd be more specific about what plan you want to follow if he wanted to make the marriage work - spell it out for him, because I doubt he can come up with anything on his own - or he would have by now. I;d say something like, you need to stop using drugs, have an appointment with Steve Harley and committ to the plan that Steve creates. Tell him about the four rules of recovery. <p>Honestly - I'd try to get proof of his drug use before you send the letter. It will help you in court with the custody - drugs are about the only thing that will help you get custody. Use a tape recorder on the phone - whatever, but get proof. Also - do you have enough case on hand for the divorce process. You need to be saving money - buy gift cards at the grocery store every time you go if nothing else. Even Wal-mart cards and Albertson's cards can be used for gas too. You may want to do this for a few months before you file the papers. Also, make sure you have enough money saved up for an attorney - it will costs thousands = retainers are anywhere from $2000-$3000, and that's just the beginning.<p>Just giving you some words of advice to protect yourself financially for what may come.<p>Sounds like your H needs to hit bottom, but until he does, you need to take care of yourself.<p>Also make sure you either have another job lined up or you see an attorney about how to protect your business.<p>Good Luck. And Many Blessings. K

Everlasting Compassion,<p>I was ready to give the letter to my WH, but something said not to. I am definitly NOT prepared finacially or with any legal stuff. <p>Our business is going to have to shut down (one part) and there is lots of money that will be owed way beyond what we have. YIKES, I hate living this way. <p>I spoke to BIL today, and he agreed with what my attorney said - not to confront hem (about our M or rather lack of it) until more of the business issues are worked out.<p>It's like peeling an onion when it comes to working on yourself. I feel like I've come a long way, yet keep discovering new areas that need tweeking or major adjusting !!! I'm going to go to Alanon. I've attended a few meetings, but need to get serious about this stuff. <p>Your suggestion about getting help for substance abuse is good. In 1992, I did an intervention & he went to rehab. Even during rehab, he didn't go to meetings and blew off the whole thing. <p>I've pretty much given up on WH, he is the type that never learns from thier mistakes and always blames someone else. <p>Thanks for your response. What part of Florida were you from?<p>God Bless,<p>D.

God is in Control,<p>Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I went to adoration in the chapel after mass today & prayed for you and all of us on these boards. I left with peace of mind and actually had a pretty good day.<p>I do not have a plan at this point. There is so much good stuff here. Financially we are in a mess & BIL suggested waiting to confront until I could get on better footing finacially. The idea of getting gift cards at stores is a great idea - thanks -- I never thought of that. Unsually I try to get a little cash but thats all gone now.<p>I tried to refinance house but WH has a judgement and collections that would need to be satisfied. <p>WH does need things spelled out for him, becos he really doesn't have a clue. I thought about it but wondered if it sounded to demanding or something. But I will add it in there. BIL said my WH never did anything to change or be co-operative until his back was up against the wall. He's been like that since he ws 18 (he's 49 now) <p>There are things and a plan that I need to put in place,and I know I can do it, but it's hard. When I look at WH, I'm not seeing him the way I used to. I could not imagine SF with him after evisioning him with OW & doing all the drug related S&*T.<p>Any more practical advice? Keep it comming ! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This board is my life saver right now. I look forward to comming here. I will feel better once I am back in Florida (hopefully by the 4th )My friends and support are there. Right now I am staying with my Mom & my sister lives there. We had some knock down drag outs, yet in a way it's been good becos I am getting to know her better. She is 11 years younger than me & I went away to college when she was really young.<p>God Bless,<p>D.<p> [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

WGTT, I lived in the Polk Co area when I was there for 5 years.I'm not from FL but the midwest, just moved back almost 1 year ago. <p>AS far proving Adultery on your WH, it don't matter if you're seperated, FL consider it legal once you live in seperate houses, the law encourages you to have relationships when that happens, my WW took advantage of it big time. I told her it was wrong to perform adultery and all those affairs and she quoted the FL LAW back at me that said she was free to do what she wanted and obtain boyfriend relationships since we were seperated, therefore she felt the LAW told her to have as many affairs as she wanted, of course she did too.<p>Only when you live in the same house and you can prove they spent money on the third party does it matter.<p>MY ww bought OM clothes but it didn't matter since she was living in her own place. Not illegal but immoral..Everything she's done and doing is considered breaking the law in my state.<p>Anyway just pray for wisdom.......

WGTT, I answered you on GQII. As I said there, Al-Anon really helps. Did you see the post on GQII by Resilient called "You're special?" I don't know about you, but it was eerie how much that was like my WS. The lying and manipulation is constant with substance abuse.<p>Take care

LetsTry,<p>I did see "your special" & should print it out & send it to WO2. (I won't do it but still can think it...) I can't wait to get back to Florida.<p>Have you heard Cher's new song? I didn't listen to the whole thing but heard "Was she worth it? then something like you didn't think I'd be strong" hmmmm. <p>God Bless,<p>D.

WGTT - <p>I have a sister who is 15 years younger than I, and I'm just now getting to have a relationship with her too.<p>I have to say, that one of the "blessings" of the A was that it really brought my family closer together. It was a long time coming - my ExH never really supported my relationship with my family, it's kind of sad in a way, the years I missed because of him.<p>So, I'd take advantageof this time that you have with them - remember that blood is thicker than water - and you can't divorce them - at least not yet.<p>And guess who has Cher tickets ......... <p>K

WGTT, I also fantasized about sending "you're special" to the OW, but I won't do it. The truth is that what makes me most angry about it is that I believed the same thing! I've reread that letter a couple of times to remind myself what I've been through and to maintain my resolve.<p>No, I haven't heard the new Cher song, but that old Donna Summers song "I will survive" keeps getting stuck in my head (and I never was much of a disco fan).

God is in control,

My family doesn't know yet all that is going on (A's) They know our business is in trouble and my sister knows M is on the rocks, although they probably suspect. When it happened before, my family came down to see me and be with me, which was great. I miss my Dad who passed on July 00.

I had a mentor suggest that everyday I write down 10 things that I am gratefull for. It's amazing what it does to your attitude.

LetSTry

"I will survive" keeps running through my head too. There are a lot of oldies on the radio here & that one keeps playing. Recently I've heard Carole King " Well it's too late baby now it's too late ... and we really did try to make it But something inside has died and i cant fake it...."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

God Bless,

D

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Dear WGTT,

I think that was a really good start for your letter. You do need to be a little more specific about what he will need to do if he does decide to work on the marriage.

I also, would have had an awfully hard time with SF this time. For me, it had to end.

You had some great suggestions on the financial aspects of a divorce. Try to take those serioiusly. I read and understood about all of that stuff--but I was so emotionally upset...that I didn't act on a lot of it.

Remember, if your H is like mine...they have already left the marriage. They are on a different level emotionally...and you can get hung out to dry.

Also, once you start the process...make sure that is what you want and move quickly. Most WS feel a little guilty at first and don't want a whole lot. However, as time goes on...the guilt tends to melt away...and they become much more demanding....at least that is what happened to me. Now, he wants the moon. Yuck.

You will definitely be in my prayers. Is there anyone who can help you resolve the business problems? Really try to get into a better position financially. My divorce cost a little over $10,000. Pretty sad--since nothing really changed since the first day I walked into the lawyer's office. They told me what I would be entitled to....then it dragged on for a little over 8 months...and my lawyer took $10,000. Pretty sad. Take Care Pat

Misery in Mosouri,

After taking in the responses on the GC II board & reading the new Love Busters, I have decided not to give my WH the option to work on M at this time. He has a bigger problem that has to be taken care of first and truly work on his recovery. The stakes are higher now. I will probably give him the first part but just say that I am releasing him, that I choose not to live like this.

I've debated wether to let him know I know he's on drugs but think it's better to wait. I made appointment with Steve H so that I have a plan.

Thanks for the suggestions about moving fast, as I think you are right, in the beginning they feel guilty & will give up more. That's another reason for not tipping my hat right now.

Is there anyone who can help you resolve the business problems?

My BIL (WH's brother) is helping. It will take a little while to to deal with everything. It's kind of a chatch 22 right now. If I throw in the towel, everything falls and LOTS will be owed with no way to pay for it. It's in my name so I am screwed. If we keep going, the finances hopefully will turn around (I know they could if WH was straight), but its scary now. That prolongs everything, plus if I do an intervention & he goes to treatment then he's not available for the business. YUK Either way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Remember, if your H is like mine...they have already left the marriage. They are on a different level emotionally...and you can get hung out to dry.

At this point I know he's already left the M. Did it 3 years ago, just didn't tell me. And I guess I didn't want to see it. I've spent 6 weeks up here where WH is & it's this trip that I learned a lot (more than I really wanted but it did help me to move on)

I'm ready to get back home & regroup. There are people that can help me put together whatever needs to be done in Florda. I miss the beach. And my prayer group.

Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

God Bless,

D.

<small>[ June 29, 2002, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>