Gosh, <p>This will never end. <p>I found out I have to have my feet operated on July 1st. I will be completely off my feet for about 3 weeks.<p>When I found out, I wrote and told my H that he could have the kids for his 2 weeks in July--mainly because I can't get around. He wrote me back a scathing email, saying he doesn't want the kids when they are in lots of activities--he only wants the kids the first two weeks of August when they don't have anything to do. Typical, selfish behavior.<p>He is also whining about stuff he has now remembered that he wants from the house. He wrote his lawyer a letter who forwarded it to my lawyer whining that he doesn't have half of our family videos and he will call the sheriff to get them. What a complete jerk he is. Why can't he just fall off the face of the earth.<p>My lawyer said "well, why don't you let him have the kids the last week of July and the first week of August". I told him this is ridiculous. The guy isn't working, I am having surgery on my feet-- the first three weeks of July I will be in bed and I need him to take the kids then. I need him to take some responsibility with the kids--otherwise it is going to be a scheduling nightmare for me. Why does he always get his way? I am so sick of bending over for him.. I sure wish he would just drop dead!!!!

Yes, he's being a jerk. But if he won't take them in July don't worry about scheduling. Let your 2 oldest help with you and the 2 youngest. Perhaps that means all 4 miss a bunch of things. This is one consequence of a divorce; they probably can't keep the same schedule. Tell them you asked their Dad to help out in July, and he refused. I'm sure they can figure out the impact for themselves.<p>You have to make sure the 3 weeks doesn't drag out longer, so don't hurt that recovery by trying to keep your outside activities going.<p>At least on the activities, I've had some of this happen. My oldest son is dropping sax because he won't practice, and my wife, the one with musical experience, frustrated my attempts to encourage that. The two youngest missed most of their baseball games while in her custody. And last night, I showed up for my daughter's dance recital and found out my wife had pulled her from the program. We were just talking about it Wednesday last week, and she didn't see fit to tell me. But there is nothing we can do about this stuff.<p>Again, the important thing is that you have a good recovery from this operation, and that means getting your kids to help, rather than you trying to service them.<p>Good luck,<p>Tom

One more thing, it seems that you still expect him to assume some family responsibilities, but clearly he has walked away from all of that. The term "visitation" truly applies here. It might help if you could eliminate all your expectations of him, and plan that way.

Misery in Missouri - I have been reading your stuff and all I can say is you are one strong lady - dealing with all of this crap - I am getting ready to start a divorce and my husband and I have been getting along ok - basically because I don't want to go through the crap you are going through. Everyone thinks that I am being to nice to him - but right now he doesn't have a girlfriend so he isn't throwing her in my face which helps a great deal. But I think that your husband is being very selfish and very childish. Why would he want half of the video tapes - wouldn't that be taking them away from the kids?? I think maybe you should try and reason with him about the kids and say hey listen I am not going to be able to do anything with them - you know??? Maybe who knows a lite bulb will go off and he will realize he really is being an A** - well one could only hope right?? Has he always been a jerk about everything with the kids and flaunting this in front of you before you got divorced or just afterwards?? Just wondering what I am in for???

Ok, <p>Let's see. How can we handle this. I have to say that I have been talking to someone who has dealt with men like our Exs and this is what she says to do.<p>1. Don't make demands on him. Give him some days to cool of and then send him a very NICE e-mail asking him to take the kids and very POLITELY tell him that you understand his position, and that he doesn't have to take them to their activities if he doesn't want to. But that the kids will be really bored at the house watching you recover from your foot surgery and you're sure that the kids would much rather spend the time with you. (Focus on the kids - not you) <p>NOW - do you really think that the kids will ket him no take them to their activities - NO WAY or he'll look like the bad guy to the kids. <p>And why do you have to give him the kids in August? If you offered them in July and he doesn't take it, then it's his loss. You can also say that you want the kids for YOUR two week summer vacation during the firs two weeks in August. (But don't use this until you have to).<p>Unfortunately - it takes two to argue and I've found that when I use this technique - it REALLY WORKS! <p>My ExH is like yours - if I say black - he says white - it's all about control. <p>Don't let him suck you into the argument - otherwise you're giving him control - be uninterested and nice around him and it will drive him crazy because then he's lost his power over you.<p>Trust me - I get this info. from a very good source, who has personal experience in this area.<p>So, see what his reaopnse is to the e-mail. Be very nice and if he says no - then say Ok, you'll make other arrangements for the kids. <p>Then drop it, and see what he does. They will purposely say no if they think you really need the help - your ExH isn't reinventing the wheel - it's a personality type.<p>If you act like it's no big deal then he may come around. I know you want to have everything planned out early, but just be patient. <p>Then if things don't work, get your attorney involved on a bigger level. <p>Other suggestion - can any of the kids acitivities be moved to August? <p>I know dealing with these guys is tough - just read my latest post.<p>I used to think that using this technique would mean me giving in, but it really gives me back control over my life.<p>I hope this helps. And always come here to vent. I helps me know that I'm not alone........ K

Still go with what I said earlier - but darn it! I can't even take my own advice - it's a tough road we're on.<p>We agreed on a scheudle for youndest D - and then ExH started talking about dividing the property - because HE is buying a house - he told the bank he has a judgment saying the house is to be sold in 6 months - a judgment that HE KNOWS my attorney is challenging and that hasn't even been signed yet because we're waiting on the transcript. So he says he's going to get the judgment signed with or without my approval (his attorney submitted a judgment that was NOT what we agreed to, so we had to order the transcript of the hearing). And then I remembered that his attorney said on the record that visits for D were to be in my home - now I just remembered that and would havge discovered it when transcript is done(later this week) - but this whole time I was letting ExH buylly me into doing the visitation that he wanted.<p>So the conversation broke down and I said if he wants to follow the judgment then lets follow it and you come to the house to see D. Well ExH does what he normally does and pretends that I didn't say anything and just mutters something about our agreement. Well according to me the judgment trumps any subsequent agreement and now ExH has to live with that.<p>Now, does this get me ANYWHERE with ExH? No. He starts threatening to not ket the kids go on my 2 week vacation with my entire family etc. and doesn't care if the kids are hurt or not. <p>And now, I'm here with D - who has a cold and is fussy so it's probably a good thing she didn't go, but ExH will tell my boys that mommy wouldn't let him have D - and they will all hate me. Talk about parental alienation. Oh - I've tried to e-mail his phone a few times to get him to start talking to me about this so he can see D, but he refuses. (and he's looking out for her best interest, he says, yeah right.)<p>Why do things always turn out this way? I was really making head way about the negotiations for the summer vacation, and now everything is all messed up.<p>As you know, it's hard to parent when the other parent could care less about our feelings and how hard it is to manage without their support.<p>I hope that things get better for you. K

Pat-
Sorry about your foot surgery. I would ask your H again about the kids. It'a truly amazing how some men just think they the only time they sre supposed to have them is during visitation. I don't think the kids should miss stuff because their D doesn't feel like helping. I know what it's like to have busy kids. Yes, the situation has changed, but their life.....and the things that they do in it shouldn't. I wish I could help drive them places this summer for you!<p>If you get a chance.....would you mind reading the post I wrote to you, daybreak and numbheart.
I guess I am looking for a little sympathy....I am so hurt, lost and alone........again.<p>MAX

Oh my Gosh,
I have been so busy this week trying to get ready for these operations on my feet....I just now got to read your posts. Thank you so much everyone for some great advice.

tmmx,

I guess I do still expect him to accept some responsibility for the kids...obviously, I shouldn't. He just wants to as he says "have fun with them". He has written me about 6 emails this week lambblasting me. He offered to help in July, but still wants his two weeks in August--since they don't have any activities then and he wants "bonding" time. The problem with that time is that since I won't be able to move in July, I have to get my kids and myself ready to start school by August 19th. I also need to get my oldest daughter settled in college the second week of August and we have 2 August birthdays to celebrate the first week of August--and they definitely don't want to celebrate with him.

Maw 64

He has always been a jerk--as I look back on it now. He was never respectful of me. He always had to contradict anything I said or did. It is sad what I put up with when I look back now. I wish we would have gone to court--perhaps then he would have seen what an a** he has been to us.

God Is In Control,

Thank you for your insight. I am really starting to hate this man. He is being so awful.....the divorce has made it worse. I will try to rewrite an email to him and focus on the kids. He still is determined to do this only if he still gets the kids in August.

I have called my attorney on Monday. He has basically washed his hands of me. He told me to compromise and give him the last week in July and the first week in August. Doesn't help me with getting the kids to their activities--I am going to be flat in bed for July 1-5, then they said I will be able to move to the living room (FUN) and by the third week may be able to move a little farther. I am really depressed tonight--I really don't want to do this. I wish I could get out of it--but unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to walk this fall when school starts again. I am a little worried tho.

I really don't have any concrete support for the next couple of weeks...I hope I am surprised and people follow through with their offers to help. I am scared.

Feeling So Alone,

I wish you were closer too---I don't know how we are going to get through these next couple of weeks. My daughters are working--and they will ck in on me when they can. The two younger ones will be here--they are going to have to take on a lot of responsibility.

I have friends that know about it...and I know they will ck in on me, but they are busy with their lives too--I have never had to be in this postion before--I don't like it. Keep those prayers coming..... Thanks again to all of you. Pat

MnM,

Yes, he is being a jerk! I can't understand why some guys act like that. It's childish and very selfish.

About the tape go, either find someone around that has a dual VCR. That way you can make copies of all the family videos and you both can have "all" of them.
If you can't find anyone with a dual VCR, get in touch with me. I have one at home. I can make you copies. The only thing you would have to do is send a few blanks and the originals!

Regards

RN <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pat,

Thinking of you this wk.

2 things I have learned: </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">know that you can not count on the X </font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the kids will surivie if they don't get to all their acitivies; if you feel you will let down a team, by them not being there call some, even if it is the coach & explain. </font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I really hate to do that but sometimes you got to do what you have to do.
Good luck, will check on you next wk

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: sing ]</small>

Thanks RN,

I appreciate the offer. I think the videos are so stupid--I can't believe he is upset about them. He is now refusing to pay back the loan he borrowed from my mom--who is 80 now and could really use the money. He hasn't paid the interest now for two summers--he is such a jerk. He wrote and told me to pull out my IRA's and pay her back. What a sorry excuse for a man.

Tonight as I was coming in from picking up my son from baseball, he called and asked to talk to my son. He didn't ask about the operation or anything....I really don't understand why he is treating me like this--I can remember spending two weeks sleeping in an armchair taking care of him because he asked me to--after he had cut down a huge tree that he had no business cutting down and broke his right femur. I have always been there for him...and I can't remember one time when he was there for me emotionally and physically. Oh well..it still hurts tho.

He called my son tonight to tell him that he was on the Discovery Channel tonight.....still living in his past glory as a B2 pilot. When I think about how he protrays himself and what he actually is as a man.....it is so disgusting. How can a man think he is such a neat person when he betrays his family and wife like he did. I feel like I was used for 22 years as his military wife. When that was over--he had no more use for me. How very sad. He definitely doesn't realize what he has lost. The kids have no respect for him. Neither do I.

I guess I am venting tonight. I should be past this by now. I think this whole situation has got me down. I hate the thought of spending the rest of my summer vacation in bed. Yuck. Then this mess with my ex over his lack of understanding and help. Also, I just feel so helpless. I don't know how I am going to manage for the next couple of weeks. For the first time in my life--I feel so alone.

Thanks Sing for your post!!

I don't have any choice but skiping a lot of the kids activities. It is a scheduling nightmare...I guess I will just have to see what develops...I need to have some faith I guess.

I can't believe I can't count on him when I need him to help. That is so depressing. I am going to go to bed...hopefully, I will feel better tomorrow. Pat

I am so sorry that you're going through this!

I know it will be tough, but you're going to get through this!

Too bad I don't live in Missouri or I'd come and help out.

I'm sure you're already doing this, but make a schedule of everything that is going on, start arranging for rides and making meals that the kids can pull out of the freezer. Pretend like you're on bed rest for a pregnancy and make sure you've got most things that you need in arms reach - even get an ice chest for by the bed if you think you'll need it.

And most importantly - don't be afraid to ask for help! The worst thing people can do is say no - and then they are the ones who will feel bad for refusing to help. Our bible study received an e-mail from someone who was going in for surgery and who had actually sent the e-mail to her friends telling them the days she would need help and what help she needed - whether it was needing dinners, someone to cut her grass, or just someone to come and visit during the day or to bring her to doctor's appointments.

I used to never ask for help, but since the A, divorce and pregnancy, I'm learning to ask more.

I know it seems crazy right now trying to get everything together, but things will work out - and think of it as a vacation from life - get some books that you've always wanted to read or some movies that you've always wanted to watch. Play some cards with your kids, and just take advantage of that time. Maybe God thought you needed a little break from it all.

So use it to rest and recoup if you can. K

Thanks K,

Never thought of it as a break from life. Maybe that is what God is intending....it has been pretty crazy around here for the last few years.

Maybe he is getting me rested before our hectic work and school schedule starts again in the fall. That really is a good way to look at it--thanks.

I am trying to get organized....I spent an entire day outside getting the yard ready. I mowed the lawn so short--it is now dying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> --but at least I won't have to worry about mowing it for a few weeks, hopefully.

I got the shrubs trimmed and 3 of the beds weeded and new mulch put down.

I have done about 50 loads of laundry and have the main floor pretty much picked up. I need to run to the commisary and stock up on food for the kids and then I will try to get some meals made and frozen. Tomorrow is kind of a lost day because I have to go pick my youngest daughter up at camp. So that leaves me Sunday.

Thank you for your post--I hadn't looked at it as a "vacation"--that is a little more positive. Thanks again. Pat

You will be okay! Make your plans....do your cooking ahead of time and then try your hardest to not worry about this. I know your H is not in the home anymore....but I, like you believe that he still does have responsibility in all of this....these are his kids....why shouldn't he help you to HELP them??? But....they are different people now and your H (and mine) have really gone off the deep end!

HAng in there....you will be surprised at how many true friends you have out there to help you! I never ask for help....even now without H at home. I have always tried to do things by myself....but sometimes you just need to reach out. You can do this!!!

I am thinking about you!

Max

Pat,

Sounds like you are doing great and getting everything un control for the next three weeks. You will be amazed at those that come out to help you in someway, your friends will be there for you!!!

Would (If you want) ppost an e mail address for us so that we may send you greetings via the e mail and one of the kids can print them out for you.

My friend at customer service in the BX had the same surgery she did one at a time though, and did really well, and hasn't had sore feet since!! Go talk to her she's the manager, tell her I said Hi!!

Take care,
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Dawn,

I don't really know how to set one up...but I will have my daughter do that for me when she gets home from St.Louis tomorrow evening.

I sure wish I had the lap top. Unfortunately, my H got that.

I hope I do hear from some of you...it is going to be a long couple of weeks. I am really dreading this. I am glad to hear that someone you know has had this operation. I haven't found anyone that has had to have it. The doctor really wanted to do only one of my feet at a time too--but he wanted to do the other foot in November--and I will be in the middle of school then...So...this is the only time to realistically do it. I hope my feet feel better when it is done.

I will write you all my email address when Mandy sets one up for me tomorrow. Pat