I have a question for those who have gone through the DV process. Its been 7 weeks since DV day, d day was in Nov 2000.. AT this point I feel I need to forgive my WS/W so I can move on and let go of the anger and resentment, even though she constantly victimizes me with manipulation I'm tired of feeling like a victim. Yes, she cheated [multiple affairs], betrayed me and lied but I don't want to ponder on what she did to me everyday, I've done this now for over 1 1/2 years now. How do you forgive someone and try to befriend them when they want to flaunt OM who claimed your wife was his last year to your face...she wants to be friends but also use OM to inflict more pain...<p>
Anyone been down this road, trying to forgive and not be afflicted again, its hard to stay away in silience away from wife because you still have to raise the teenage daughters that take your attitude towards your exs as being directed at them......any thoughts? my exw has already brainwashed older D, now my younger D is starting to show signs of withdrawl towards me....<p>I have'nt spoken to exw in 2 weeks last message I got she said she changed jobs of 5 years and had phone to house disconnected..

Have you tried counseling? Books? This is a difficult time for everyone. I've purchased the book "how to survive the loss of a love", but haven't had the time to read it yet.
I'm sure you will recover.

EC, I may not be the best person to respond to this, because I have had very little problem with anger, and I have no children. But, I think I can tell you something of why I had little trouble with anger.<p>I tried to put myself in my wife's shoes. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be my wife. And I discovered a hurting, confused and miserable creature. To be sure, she brought a considerable amount of that pain upon herself - but not all of it. She chose her road in panic and desperation. She didn't understand what she was doing, and her subsequent actions are more about self-justification than anything else.<p>She is hurting me, yeah. Very, very badly. And she is hurting other people who love her and care about her too. But most of all, she is hurting herself. In fact, no prospective vengeance I could wreak upon her would hurt her more than the damage she is doing to herself.<p>In my mind's eye I see the person she once was and the person she could have been, and I grieve. There is no room left for anger.<p>The manipulation of yourself and your daughters is something else. You can't be manipulated unless you allow yourself to be manipulated, so...just stop allowing it. Easier said than done, I know, especially since there are situations to which you must respond, but if you let go of the idea that you can control the situation and accept the fact that you can only control yourself, you may discover that proverbial "peace in the midst of storm".<p>The parental alienation thing...that's rough. But if you exhibit dignity and honor and love, time is on your side. You can't stop your daughters from withdrawing from you or hating you now; but in time, if/when they grow and mature enough to see the world through their own eyes, you are the parent whom they will respect.<p>Hope this helps...

EC - it sounds like you want to be friends with your exW, but you don't have to be. Nor do you have to forgive her, especially if she has shown no remorse. You do need to find some way to work with her on kid-related schedules and decisions, and to "move on" as they say. Were you ever in plan B? If so, I think a continuation is in order. Stay away from her and OM, don't call her, etc. <p>Think of it as having to work with someone you don't like - you should be able to work with them without being friends outside of work. Obviously you need to emotionally detach, in order to do that.<p>But if your teenagers are withdrawing, you absolutely must nip that in the bud right away. The book "Divorce Poison" gives some good specific tips. You have to explain why you can't be friends with exW, and that it does not reflect on them. If the kids accuse you of something, point out inconsistencies in the story and show them evidence to contradict it. This is doesn't mean you grill them on exW and OM, or bad-mouth them, but you immediately counter any bad-mouthing that comes from them. Don't let it go. <p>And the other thing, is to focus on creating happy memories with your daughters during the time you have with them. So after calmly countering any bad-mouthing that comes from them, change the subject and/or do something fun. And don't create conflicts by asking about your exW, or bad-mouthing her.<p>Good luck.

EC - I struggled with forgiveness for quite a while. I knew that is was the right thing to do but as you say they still inflict pain by other means. And yes my X brings her live-in OM around to all the activities and they sit in their little corner groping each other.<p>I started by just praying for her everynight. Praying for her health, happiness, & etc. Before long I was able to totally forgive her. I want her to be happy for she will be a better mother to my children if she is. I still pray for her, the om, and my MB friend all the time.<p>The pain of having them around has totally subsided. As far as befriending, that isn't likely. Sure we have to co-parent, but that only requires some mutual parental respect, not an involved friendship.<p>I have no idea if you are a chistian or not, but as I went through my divorce, I reclaimed my faith. Christian forgiveness is easy and helpful.