Well, I tried mediation with XH, regarding my move and custody of kids.<p>He said he would take me to court.<p>We agreed to go to family counseling with kids before taking any action.<p>Today we went to counseling. When counselor asked what we wanted to accomplish, he said "I don't know--I'm just here because she decided it". I said "We are here to listen to the kids and how to help them through this, and figure out what is best for 3 individual children with different needs and wants".<p>He said..."well this is a moot point, because I am taking you to court anyway...and it's going to get very ugly"<p>He is documenting everything I do or say, or what the kids come back and tell him (i.e. an argument my H & I have...how nice--his little spies). Basically, he is going to take me to court to try to prove me to be a bad mother.<p>I asked if his taking me to court and making things ugly really going to be best for these kids?<p>XH says they don't need any more changes. They are comfy with school and friends and know people here. They have their sports activities (mind you I was the one taking them even during XH weeks). His mom comes over (from Seattle) ever other weekend to help with the kids. He is working 12+ hours a day.<p>He is saying he is the better parent to raise them because he can give them 100%. I am remarried and have to share my time between kids and H. Also making very bold statements saying I neglect the kids, especially YD.<p>Geeeeeeeez...the counselor then met with the kids and then they called us back in.<p>Basically the kids point:<p>*OD says moving is good & bad. Moving with me means she would get to see her extended family more, and it would be exciting to meet new people. Bad is that she would have to leave her friends & school here.<p>*my son says he doesn't get along with my H, so he told me "I'm not living with you--not even in the summer. He's also worried that YD will get kidnapped.<p>*YD says she doesn't want to hurt my feelings or her dad's feelings. But she sstated several times that she wants to move to Seattle with me. <p>XH refuses to split kids up.<p>Counselor reinforced that kids have a real home with each of us & that we should encourage kids to talk to the parent involved if there is a problem. <p>The kids said at the end "we are relieved that we all could meet, and we know you both love us and want to do the best thing for us". <p>The counselor asked what would be a perfect world for you kids.<p>OD: shopping & mom not to move
S: a big boat w/ lots of junk food & mom not to move
YD: to move to seattle with mom<p>I think it was good we all met and both heard the kids point. But, I have a feeling I will be served papers very soon.<p>I'm so confused what to do. I love them and don't want to put them through all this. The move is necessary for my ability to provide for kids, me, H, my marriage. <p>Should I just let stay with Dad, fight for YD to stay with me, fight this battle later when I have more strength to my case?????<p>The more I think about this, the more po'd I get!<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]</p>

Well this is the advice given to me. <p>You need to do what is best for you, and take care of yourself, so that you can be able to give your best to the kids.<p>If moving will put you one a better foot financially, and emotionally then you should do it. The kids will adjust. <p>I don't know how far it will put you away from their dad, but try to arrange a way for him to stay involved with their life - e-mails, letters, phone calls, and planned visits.<p>They and he can also video tape their activities and even talk into the camera for a personal letter to send to him - and now with digital cameras - you can even send video footage. And the have cameras that you can use with your computer to send footage too.<p>Also, is there a way you could move not so far away from XH? Like find a job in another, but closer city?<p>I'd make a proposed plan to stay in touch with your kids and then give it to ExH and see what he says. It shows that you are at least trying to keep him in their lives.<p>Be sure too that you are writing everything down so that you will have support when ExH challenges you about things in court.<p>Good luck. K

plan to move this Aug. D-5-23-02 its been a long year. this is X very small home town my family live 350 miles away in fl. our 13 yr old didnt want to move at 1st, would miss friends, but now he wants to be part of his brother life who is 16 yrs older. I did ask his best friend mom could he spend the summer with us next year & she agreed. I will have to come get him but he is part of our family staying every weekend with us for the last 3 yrs. We have moved in the past my x was in the Navy, Ive heard the same thing I will miss my friends, but as soon as we move he found new friends. I hate to say it but he cant remember the old one names anymore. the move will be better between me & X, X will be getting M to MOW as soon as her D is over. Our son does not want to see them together. X has not let our son meet MOW he knows what will happen when he does. We need a place where we can have peace. X is not a happy person these days.<p>M-17yrs
H-42 W-48
C-13 yr, 28 yr, 7 gr d
D-5-23-02<p>mow-29
M-10 yrs
C-3 under 10
d-pending

Godisincontrol: Thanks a ton for responding!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
You need to do what is best for you, and take care of yourself, so that you can be able to give your best to the kids.<hr></blockquote><p>Thank you for passing on that great advise. I'm not habitual of taking care of myself first, and the typical advise is always "do what is best for the kids" then think about what is best for you. Yes, this move is necessary financially and emotionally. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I don't know how far it will put you away from their dad, but try to arrange a way for him to stay involved with their life - e-mails, letters, phone calls, and planned visits. <hr></blockquote><p>About 4 hours away. It would be 2 hours if we could agree to meet at the halfway point. <p>I told the kids my first plan is to buy a new computer so they can have mine. D was happy about being able to email & I have a web cam so we can use that to see eachother in between visits. I told her I would also buy them phone cards and they can call me anytime.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Also, is there a way you could move not so far away from XH? Like find a job in another, but closer city? <hr></blockquote><p>Not really. The next biggest town is 2 hours away, but the economy there is very bad.<p>together: Thanks to you too!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> We have moved in the past my x was in the Navy, Ive heard the same thing I will miss my friends, but as soon as we move he found new friends. <hr></blockquote><p>I was also a Navy brat, and had to move when I was 12. I didn't like it, but I did adjust and I too do not remember my old friends names, but 1. <p>My point is the kids should be closer to their family, and that by next year D won't even have the same friends she has now.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> We need a place where we can have peace. <hr></blockquote><p>Ditto!<p>Is your X fighting you on custody?<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]</p>

I am hardly on these boards anymore so I'm not real familiar with your history. I am however familiar with custody battles and it's an awful, awful experience for the parents and the children. I suggest it's avoided when ever possible. I don't know what State your in either because each can vary so much. I think you mentioned moving 4 hours away. That's not SO bad. I mean your not moving to another State or anything. I do know that MN frowns on the parent with custody moving away from the other parent. Frowns so much that if the NCP is a good parent and can provide they will give that parent the custody. They also do not like splitting the kids up. I know if I tried to split my two up it would be the cruelest thing I could ever do to them. They are very close. Now if your ex didn't exercise his visitation and wasn't involved the courts would be in favor of your move if it was necessary. That may be the case. Like I said, I'm not real familiar with your history. I do know every time you go to court your taking a gamble and there are no real winners. Custody might be a gamble not worth taking.

I am in Washington state, and the courts do favor the residing parent that can provide stability & continuity in the kids lives.<p>Moving--not stable
New marriage--not stable<p>XH is a loving father to them, although I think there is some Parental Alienation going on. I have witnessed his verbal and emotional abuse in the past with them. He came from an abusive household. His marriage/divorce/parenting advise is coming from his parents. I have to say they are not the best examples! He works 12 + hours a day, and was relying on me a lot during his custodial weeks to take care of the kids. How is he going to transport them to and from daycare, sports, religious ed (things I have been doing). Who is going to care for the kids from 6:00 - 8:30 and sometimes up to 10:00?<p>OK. I have a scenario/question:<p>My OD-12 wanted to go to a boys house at 10:00 last night to watch a movie (same apt complex). I said NO -- your not old enough to go at this time to a boys house, your friend is here and her parents might not like it, and you are putting me in a bad situation with your dad. <p>She was really angry and wanted to know the reason why (re: dad). I thought and thought whether to tell her that their dad is going to take me to court. Is it appropriate for me to tell her this? <p>I know XH is using many of the kids complaints (some legit--some exaggerated) against me and will use this in court. I don't want her going to him about my personal life, it is only damaging any chance I have.<p>YD wants to be with me. OD says YD should be with me.<p>My H is supportive after we get to new town and settle. I don't want to make any permenant custody arrangments at this time. I have suggested temporary with review at the end of next school year, but he won't do it. <p>In our state, it takes an act of God or an abusive situation to change a permanent plan.<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]</p>

Well in regards to your scenerio/question. When your daughter asked about going to the boys house at 10:00 I don't think your reason should have been because her father would not let her, or what would her father say or her friends parents say but instead how YOU felt about it and that it was YOU telling her no. I agree, a 12 year old does not need to hang out with a boy at his place at 10:00 at night. You were asked if she should go and the answer should have been only pertaining to how you felt about it. Kids need and appreciate a parent saying no for the right reasons. They need and desire limitations and part of being a parent is setting those limitations and carrying through with them. I just really feel for you, your ex and your children because custody battles are painful and my gut feeling tells me that your both putting your children in the middle. If this is the case you'll all loose.

Well actually I first stated I did not think it appropriate, and emphasized that...then listed the other reasons she should not.<p>I've been very cautious of putting the kids in the middle and restrain myself from saying anything negative about their father.<p>That is why I asked this question about telling her about court. Whereas, my XH tells the kids EVERYTHING and IMO is using them as little spies.<p>Ugggghhhhh...no one is gonna win anything, and everyone will suffer loss. I guess the secret is how to best deal with it.