Hey gang!
Since my WW made it clear to me yesterday that she wants the big "D," I thought I better change forums and strategies. <p>Our MC session yesterday took up the topic of making the appropriate steps towards D, and what we can do to minimize the impacts upon the kids (ha ha haa). With this, I am also planning my relocation back to Mpls (sounds terrible when I state it like this) to seek some sense of personal happiness. <p>I have begun the day today trying to locate a lawyer here in town to represent me and to review any documents pretaining to the D. I also have a IC session on Friday to discuss some of the issues related to the Swedish D process. I'm moving forward. Of course, I don't want to go through with this process (an I won't initiate any of it) but I also feel it necessary to be prepared to protect myself and get a solid start on moving on with my life! It's gut-wrenching. On a positive front, I have noticed that the WW has been asking a lot of Qs regarding my actual progress in returning to the US. "Have you found a ticket back yet?" "So, you are not leaving until Sept. now?" etc. I think she is nervous I might just go through with this and she will really be stuck with the two kids. This is just a hope that the fog will lift...<p>Question time.
My W felt it necessary to schedule two additional MC sessions in the next two weeks (to discuss only the kids). I really don't see any point in going if it is just for her to bash me for 1-1/2 hours. Do I go? Do I let her go alone and MAYBE the two of them will stumble onto some of her personal issues that I FEEL are the big issues here? I would like to support our recovery in any manner possible here, but the MC session yesterday really showed (through lots of silence) that until something gives, there's no point in continuing.<p>Sweden

If it is just to discuss issues with the kids, then I would go.

If it turns into a bashing session then I would just politely get up and leave.

This MC, doesn't sound very good. If at all possible, try to find a different one. A MC that is capable of working a troubled marriage without the old easy out, just get a "D". That seems to be a lot of most of these MC's answers these days.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace, others.
I feel that my W is pushing for these sessions because she know knows that she has has the MC on her side. We are no longer involved with the subject of saving the M, but rather there only to provide support for my W to dissolve the M on her terms. She came home from the library yesterday with an armload of books on the topic of "D."<p>I can't really find a new MC that will place emphasis on the M instead for a number of reasons:
1) I'm not sure if they even exist here in Sweden. There's no marriage saving "culture" here.
2) The MC system is already backed up, so one is lucky to even receive an appt. in the first place.
3) It's summer and the whole country is on vacation.<p>So, this puts me in a difficult position. If it wasn't for the kids, I think I would be on a plane for the US today. <p>What do I do? I find it rather difficult to stay strong when it all of this seems so biased & unfair. Her As aren't the issue. It is the fact that I found out about them (invading her privacy), and that makes me the evil one in all of this.<p>Sweden [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Double post.

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Sweden,

only a few days ago you were so positive. I was worried about you. Looks like for good reason.

Try some off the wall questions for her. Ask her if she wants you to take the kids permantly.

Tell her your lawyer thinks she should pay alimony and ask her how much she thinks she can pay.

You may be able to come up with more. See if you can get her to THINK.

Sweden, I am sorry it has come to this. You have done a good plan A. I hope you are doing OK.
SS

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS,
Thanks for the support!
Unfortunately, I feel the only way to make her "think" is to show her that I am serious about leaving. I am receiving comments from her that I actually don't have the guts to leave. WRONG! I'll book my ticket today! I've arranged a meeting with a lawyer that specializes in international family law; we'll meet next week. I have also started searching for jobs in MN.
We can call this some sort of strange variation of Plan B, I guess. Instead of no contact, it will be, full responsibility for the kids. It breaks my heart to leave the children, but at the same time, my heart is also telling me that this is the only road to reconciliation. It is a long-shot...
I'd love her to attend the MC session alone on Friday to discuss her personal issues, but I doubt if they would wander in that direction.
I have found out that we can perform the D here in Sweden, which will be easier and much cheaper.
So, all-in-all I'm being very proactive on heading back to the US. We've talked to the kids about it but the reality of it won't sink in until after I'm gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
For me, it is a chance to almost completely start again. It's both exciting and scary. I am prepared to face about any situation with my M.

Sweden

Sweden:

I'd go to the MC session, but try to steer it the way YOU want it to go. What do you have to lose?

I would ask the MC pointed, difficult questions. Like:
"What's your premise?"
"Do you have a METHOD here?"
"You seem to have a pretty casual attitude about ending our M. Do you realize what's at stake here?"

I'll say it again, Sweden. Your MC is a complete turd. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that, in this situation (with all the MC's on vacation for the summer), YOU are the most qualified to save your M and maybe get through your W's foggy skull now than anyone in Sweden. You have this site and the knowledge that comes with it, plus a good plan A under your belt.

Again: Your MC is a complete turd. I, the Great 2long, say so, say so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(the Great) 2Long, & others,
Great MCing tips! I'll give that a try. You are right, what do I have to lose at this stage... She (W) isn't aware that I have booked a ticket to MN yet. She spent the whole weekend saying that I am too "chicken" to actually go through with it...wrong! A part of me feels really good that I have gone this far. The session will also be a good time to let her know what I have done to prepare for the move.

As for the MCing here in Sweden, it is not that our MC is a turd, it is that the whole institution of MC is a complete failure here. I can remember about 1-1/2 years back there was a long series of articles in the paper on "American style" marriage seminars coming to Sweden. If my Swedish language skills were better, I'd start something myself. Unfortunately, these types of MBing activities and proactive methods are far and few between...
You are right, I need to take the bull by the horns here because the only thing the MC is thinking about during the session is what she is going to do on her 6 week vacation!

Question (or maybe confession).
Since the MC session last week, I have found myself slipping from a Plan A. I'm still great with the kids, but VERY neutral (to a bit cold) around my W. I think my unconscious intention is to show her how difficult this is going to be for her as a single mother. Am I being childish here? Am I hindering any (small) chances towards a recovery? Thoughts?

OK, back to job hunting for me...

Take Care all!

Sweden <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />