Hi all, I'm new to MB<p>I don't know if I am in the right forum, if I'm not please redirect me.<p>My situation is as follows:
(Sorry it's long, it's been a year and a half)<p>Married 9/98
Relatively happy marriage, husband conflict avoider--would stonewall during arguments, I was pushy and would have outburts
Many stresses in marriage, new career, new home, father in law diagnosed with cancer, trying to get pregnant<p>Father in law passed away on 2nd anniversary 9/00, husband very close to his father<p>Husband suggests counseling 11/00, I had previously wanted to go but husband reluctant
Attend initial session. At second session I state that I cannot be in same room with husband because I am angry/upset. Husband had been out from 7 to midnight previous Sunday and had not called. When we get hoe I have an "I get it" moment and tell husband, "oh my God, it's me, I know what I need to do to improve our marriage"<p>Husband states he is stressed about us. I tell husband it is going to be okay.
Husband leaves and flies to go visit fathers grave for Christmas--does not want me to go.<p>Husband returns on Christmas Day 2000 and announces he wants divorce and is leaving. I get very upset, suicidal.<p>Husband refuses to go to counseling, speak with his minister, or any other family member/friend trying to help. Husband very angry with me.<p>Very little contact January through February--don't know where husband is living or phone number.
March 2001, husband files for divorce
still little contact
May 2001, husband serves me with divorce papers
still little contact, eventually find out where he lives, slow process of husband coming to house retrieving all his stuff<p>September 2001, I have been distancing, no more pleas for him to return home, no "I love yous".
I mainly try to behave courteous and businesslike with husband. Husband seems to be coming around, shows interest in me. <p>I tell husband I'm confused because he has not proceeded with divorce yet is still adamant he wants on. Husband claims he still wants divorce and is "f^%cked up". Mixed messages continue, husband even drives me home from work one day, although still demanding divorce continue.<p>October 2001, he is seen with other woman. I blow it off, don't say anything to husband.
Husband sends me daisy flowers for my birthday.
November and December 2001, husband calls on holidays and then states he wants to "wrap things up"<p>January 26, 2002, husband is seen with other woman. Later that same evening, I run into husband and ask if he is seeing other people. Husband says yes.<p>Things rapidly decline.
I call mother in law and tell her son is dating. I never thought my hyusband would seriously date until after he divorced me, it was against his beliefs. Divorcing was against his beliefs.<p>Husband pushes divorce through.
I again tell husband I want to work on things. Husband declines.
Husband moves rest of his belongings out of our home.<p>Throughout this entire time, I have left husband alone. In the beginning I did write several letters apologizing for the things I had done wrong in the marriage, told him I loved him, etc.
Yet, I had stopped all pursuing once he handed me divorce papers in May 2001. <p>I have telephoned husband to return his calls and the week of the anniversary of his fathers death and on his birthday. I have only telephoned him at work or his cell, never at his new place.<p>The divorce was final on April 26, 2002
Divorced husband is openly seeing the other woman, and has been seeing her since the discovery in January. <p>The other woman lives down the street from my sister, works with my divorced husband, and has three children.<p>ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO PROCEED???
I really want to reconcile with my divorced husband. I've done tons of reading and praying and have been trying to change my behavior.
I know I can't control my husband
My divorced husband practically lives with this woman now.<p>WHAT DO I DO?

WGH,

Welcome to MB. You're in 'a' right forum---as far as I can tell, we're all free to post on any forum we feel the need to. Ain't America great? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>call mother in law and tell her son is dating. I never thought my hyusband would seriously date until after he divorced me, it was against his beliefs. Divorcing was against his beliefs. <hr></blockquote>Yeah, my husband, too but that didn't stop him from leaving me in Dec 2000 to pursue the hope of a relationship with someone he met at work and it didn't stop him from having two 'full contact' lap dances with a stripper while we were separated. Humans have an amazing ability to totally sh*tcan their beliefs and morals to be able to do what they WANT to do. <p>I feel that your husband was seeing this woman long before he left (it's very common for the WS to play 'poor me' and 'I'm not good enough for you so it's best that I go before I ruin your life)'and at this point, as the old song goes "The party's over...". Honey, you have to pick yourself up and accept that you are divorced and he seems to have moved on. <p>I strongly suggest you read everything on this site, especially Plan A and start taking care of yourself for you. I'm not saying that you will never get back with your h because stranger things do happen all the time but don't live for it. Work on you and making your life better. If it works out that you DO get back together, the things you learn on this site can only help. <p>Good luck, keep us posted on how it's going. There are lots of people here who care. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: franklymydears ]</p>

franklymydears, thanks for the reply--sort of<p>I'm looking for help in this situation, I am not throwing in the towel. I accept that I am divorced but I do want to work on rebuilding a new marriage with my divorced husband someday.<p>I do not think the OW was around when XH left.
It doesn't really matter at this point whether she even was.<p>We're divorced, they are dating, where do I go from here?? As far as positive steps towards reconciling.<p>One more bit of info...
DH is 30, OW is maybe 35 and has three kids
I am 30, no kids, though wanted one with DH<p>MAYBE I AM IN THE WRONG PLACE ????<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: withgodshelp ]</p>

Welcome.<p>Please be patient and don't get too frustrated. Keep posting more info, someone will relate to you and be able to help you more. <p>Read the articles & books. See links on my signature line.<p>You may also try Emotional Needs forum. It is busy and deal with concepts of winning Spouse back & building marriages...and some things to make you smile!<p>What is your relationship like presently with your XH? It sounds like things started getting bad almost 2 years ago? But it separation occured very quickly with no chance to improve. Sounds like he just made up his mind--and that was it?

Hello there,
I can not relate complely however, my H has moved out and wants a divorce, (yes I made a big mistake, not an a)
Anyway, my counsler keeps telling me that I need to work on myself. I can still have hope that this marriage will work out. She says by working on myself and making me happy, H just might see all the good things he use to and just maybe with gods help we will be togehter again as h and w.<p>I wish you luck!!!
TD

withgodshelp,<p>Welcome to MB, but sorry for the circumstance. God has led you to the right place if you want to save your M.<p>There are other forums where others are actively working on saving thier M's. They are General Questions II, Just found out and Plan A / B. General Questions gets more traffic. <p>Have you read SSA? I will go to one of the other forums and give you a link to a compiled post of helpful info.<p>God Bless,<p>D.

WGH,
I'm looking for help in this situation, I am not throwing in the towel. I accept that I am divorced but I do want to work on rebuilding a new marriage with my divorced husband someday.I wasn't suggesting that you write him off, honey, but I am suggesting that you accept the fact that 'that' marriage is over and that you MAY not be able to reconcile. I'm not trying to be mean but I don't want you to be hurt again if it doesn't happen. And this is from the woman who literally begged her husband to reconcile when he left. I love him with all my heart and I was devestated when he left me. I never give up hope, heck, I buy lottery tickets every week. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What I am suggesting is that you concentrate on making your life the best it can be NOW and if it works out that he comes back into it, that will be even better. No one can make you happy but you and none of us can force anyone else to love us or want to be with us. <p> When we get home I have an "I get it" moment and tell husband, "oh my God, it's me, I know what I need to do to improve our marriage"This is fundamentally why my h left...I neglected and mistreated him. I had to make the changes in me. I'm working on it, still, everyday. I recommend reading about the Love Bank and Love Busting-2 very important concepts.<p>Unfortunately, since you don't have children together, your opportunities to 'Plan A' him are limited but I think it was very thoughtful of you to call those 'special' times and I bet he does, too. I think you should think of him as a good friend and treat him as such. Perhaps he will come around.

withgodshelp: I feel for you and understand what you are going through. I desperately wanted to save my marriage. I am about two weeks away from a final judgment. I felt the same anguish you are feeling until I realized "it takes two to tango". There was absolutely nothing I could do if my WS did not want to save the marriage. When I came to that realization, it helped, but it is a very difficult thing to realize when you want and love someone so much.<p>We did not have any children, so I have become very selfish and do what I want to do when I want to do it. I suggest you concentrate on yourself. I have found at times that I am very lonely but I manage to work through it. I wish I could be more help to you and able to give you specific steps on how to get your ex back. I would suggest you just sit tight, don't contact him, and see what happens. I think there is a good chance he might have a change of heart. But right now you need to do things for yourself and keep reading and posting. This site has been a tremendous help to me over the last few months, even just reading the posts. You have a lot of friends here that care about you.