I read your reply to a recent post. I looked for posts from you, and your profile, but couldn't find much info. From reading what I did, it sounds like you may be able to help me with a little perspective.
My husband and I divorced as a result of two affairs I had. Both of which I revealed to him. He tried to hang on, and I just wanted him to let go. After a long battle, he finally gave in, and moved me into an apartment. We have 2 daughters, 10 and 11 now. The divorce was final in 1998. Since then, I have come back home 3 times, and left again. He called himself my 'Broken Hearted Savior'. About a year ago, we started seeing eachother after a several month split. He took me out to dinner, called me daily, basically wooed me. After a short time, he asked me to move back in, and asked me to put my ring back on. My job was not going well, and after much discussion, we decided I would leave the job, and find another. He would take care of my bills during the interim. About a month after I quit, I became pregnant. (Not intentionally.) Since I was preg, I found it almost impossible to find a job. This is when the debts became almost overwhelming. I know I became a financial burden at that point, and with another mouth to feed on the way, he became resentful. He started confiding in a lady friend that he previously dated.
I had our son 2 weeks ago. H is a great father, and I know he loves me. But over the past several months, he has become very withdrawn. He throws himself into anything he can to 'get away'. He says he doesn't know what he wants, and is trying to escape reality. He now says that he only moved me back in because I didn't have anywhere else to go, and he doesn't want me to wear my ring. I know he talks and has lunch with this female friend of his, but he never talks about it. He knows it upsets me, but says they are just friends, and I have nothing to worry about.
He has taken the emotional connection away from our relationship, and shares his thoughts and feelings with her. I have spent the past year showing my love, my remorse, and my desire to have a future with him. I try to meet his needs, but aren't clear as to what they are. I can't find out by talking with him, because he continuously shuts me out.
I trust him, and don't think there is anything physical between them, but the emotional affair is ongoing.
I so want to be the reason he wants to come home, rather than what he is running from. I have always loved him, even when I didn't know it. He now has everything he has ever wanted.
What happened, and how do I do my part in making it better? Can you relate?

Hello lizrdfisher,

First of all, let me just say that I am pleased to hear that you and your XH are back together again.

I'm sorry to hear of the situation you are in now. I can understand the pain you are feeling at this point.

I have a few questions for you, if you don't mind.

I assume that you are still "D", and are trying to work possibly back to marriage with your X, or did you remarry your XH?

You stated that you had 2 A's and you came and went three times after you had told your H about the affairs. Did you leave because of arguments concerning your A's or was it something else?

You say he is throwing himself into anything just to get away. Is he leaving your home to get away? Or is he just finding things to do around the house? If he is leaving the house, how long does he usually stay away?

When he told you not to wear your wedding ring, did he give you a reason why? Is he wearing his wedding ring?

It appears that he has more than a EA going on, or he could be having a hard time communicating with you because of the previous affairs that you had.

IMHO he is probably withdrawing from your conversations and saying things that are not making much sense to you right now because he may very well be drawing closer to this OW, or he needs to find a way to get past the past A's that you had... put it past him and open up to you. he needs to express his true feelings to you.

My STBXW use to do the same things, went so far as to try to start arguments with me just so she could have an excuse to leave and begin her A's up again. I know if she came back, I would have a terrible time trying to communicate with her.

I can relate to what you are going through.

You are going to need to get your courtship phase relationship with your XH back.

Have you been in Plan A since you and your X got back together? How about your X, has he done any Plan A?

You need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk with him, without LB during your conversation. I would request that he spend more time with you, and tell him that you would rather him not see this OW anymore. His reaction to your request will determine how much of a fight you may have on your hands.
Try to see if both of you can see a MC.

The money problems are probably not helping things either. Did you go back to work after having the baby?

Some spouses leave a M, or a relationship and start an "A" to escape their problems. They feel the grass is greener on the other side. They can't and don't want to deal with any of the problems in their M, or relationship. Some have what is know as a "Revenge Affair", which he may be doing, I don't have enough info on everything quite yet.

And we all know the famous line "it's nothing, he/she is just a friend". That line is a major giveaway. But you never know, it could be just a friend.

I would do everything I possibly could to start giving him reasons to want to come home.
Get those lines of communication open asap, or you could be in for a real fight.

Put it in God's hands as well... say prayers and let him guide your path.

Stay Strong!

Wallace<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

Thank you for your response.
To answer some questions:
We have not remarried. The times that I came back home, I thought that my being here would make things better. Not that the problems would somehow magically disappear, but I wasn't ready to do the real work, or even acknowledge that work needed to be done. So, in a sense, I kept leaving because I thought that simply being here was what I wanted. Sometimes it seems as though as soon as he realized I finally 'got it', he didn't want it anymore. It also seems like he is afraid to put too much of himself out there, for fear I will hurt him again.
He doesn't usually leave the house to 'get away'. And it isn't just me he is trying to get away from. After a long day working, he will come home and sit at the computer for hours. He coaches our daughter's softball team, so sometimes he will take one or both of them to the ballpark check out the competition. This female friend of his also helps coach a team, but is rarely at the park at the same time, as her daughter is in a different division. He did come home one night last week, and told me that he agreed to help her coach a game one night, when her partner was out of town. This all but broke my heart in half. As it turned out, the game was cancelled, but just the thought of him intentionally being around her is hurtful to me, and he knows it. So it isn't like he was 'sneaking off' to see her, but was willing to hurt my feelings rather than telling her 'no'.
He is not wearing his ring. I asked him to put it on around Christmas time...he wore it for 2 days, then took it off, saying that it didn't feel right, since we aren't married. That mine is my engagement ring, so it's a little different. Actually, he asked me to put my ring on before a job interview I had in October. He never came right out and asked me to take it off, but during one serious discussion we had recently, he denied ever asking me to wear it. So I took it off.
I just had the baby 2 weeks ago, so working isn't something I can do right now. When he is a little older, I will. I am selling Avon...not any money in that, but it keeps me in touch with family and friends, and gives me a little spending dough.
As far as his affair being more than emotional, I really don't think so. Even though I feel that it is probably more detrimental to our relationship if emotional, he has told me there has been no physical contact, and if there were, I would be the first to know. Now, I know, that sounds lame. And of course, has me on eggshells, waiting for the day he comes home to tell me that 'something happened'. But I do believe him.
I don't know her well, but she always waves when she sees me, and stops to talk. She is very nice. It could be in jest, as she was there for him to talk to whenever I left.
I could understand a revenge affair...going out and doing something hurtful to make yourself feel better. But this is different. This is an emotional connection that I am afraid I can't compete with.
When I try and talk with him about it, he seems very calm and reasonable, telling me how he has been hurt so badly that he is afraid to let himself be vulnerable to the pain again. He says that he expends so much of himself into doing things for others that there is nothing left for himself, let alone for me. When I ask, "why then, do you give it all away," he tells me that it is to avoid realtiy. That he doesn't know what he wants from life anymore, except to make it through another day, and that if keeping his mind and body totally occupied at all times, the day passes along without requiring much thought of reality. Very sad, and I worry about him. But nothing I do or say seems to even put a dent in the fog between us. And although our conversations may start calmly, if I become upset he will all but throw his hands in the air, and turn away from me. Sometimes I will ask for a hug, and when he gives it, I tell him how happy and safe it makes me feel, and how badly I need him to hold me once in a while. Unfortunatly, he never does.
I know he is angry and resentful, and some of that will take a lot of work and time to get past. I am afraid of what lies on the other side.

Lizardfisher,
Thank you for giving me some additional info on your situation.
IMHO, I think based on what I've read so far, your XH is still trying to deal with the A's that you have had. I believe he is guarded with his emotions.
How long have you been back since your last A?
Depending on how long you have been back, may possibly address the issue of why he is acting the way he is.
I'll give you an example based on my own experience. My WW left several times and is gone now as I write this to you.
The last time she came back to our home, the whole family was on what I call an alert status. Keep in mind that the last time she came back we were unaware that she had an affair to that point. It was not until she left this last time that everything came to light.
I suspected that she had an affair but could not prove it. In spite of that fact, she was treated as if she did have an affair though. I and my children did not show her any respect until she started acting like she really wanted to be part of the family again (which she never did). We were looking for signs that she was going to commit to being a W and mother, and we did test her. It probably was not the right thing to do, but I didn't know MB's principals then.
Everyone's emotions were very guarded, as well as resentful. My PLan A was horrible... even though I didn't know what plan A was until she left for the final time. Now throw in the knowledge of an affair, and the situation steps up about a thousand times. Had I known about the A, I probably would not have let her come back home.
I suspect that your X is going through the same type of emotions as well. Guarded emotions, questioning what is this all about, trying to see if and when, you may or may not leave. He has his guard up IMHO. You really can't blame him... he has been hurt beyond belief and he is protecting himself against being hurt again.
I believe he is throwing things out to you such as he is to see if you really are committed to him this time. He's testing you.
It will take time for these wounds to heal, for they cut very deep. I would Plan A
like crazy and in time I think he will come around. I would however request that he not be in contact with the OW.
You both have enough on your plate as it is, you don't need to add anymore to it. Have him get rid of the OW, it's a problem that does not need to be involved in your lives at this point.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace, thank you so much for your input.
I am sorry to hear that your W is not currently at home with the family. You say you didn't know about MB before, when you were plan A'ing and didn't know what a plan A was...I am curious as to how close you were to doing the right things.
Ironicly, I learned of MB about 2 years ago from my ex. He was in a very difficult place, after finding out about the affairs, and was reaching out to anyone and anything he could. He read self help books, the Bible, and joined several web site forums. He used to send me articles and things that he found entlightening. So, I know he is well aware of what an EA consists of, leads to, and means in a relationship. His main focus has ALWAYS been the children...I never knew how lucky I was to have such a great father for my kids...and one of the things that helped them through was putting Christmas lights in their bedrooms that they would have on every night I was away...there was an unspoken cerimony, of sorts, when they unplugged the lights for the last time. The strings of lights still hang in their rooms...just in case, maybe.
I told my husband of the affair I was having back in 1997, after it had gone on for several months. That is when we started the struggle...what to do, should I stay or go, I tried not to see the guy but always failed, etc. That agony lasted for a few months, before we finally decided to split. This is really bad...I told him of the other affair after we got back together the first time...it had happened after we were first married, with his best friend. So, the pain and trust issues he is dealing with are far more severe than 'just an affair'. He still brought me back into his life, as he still loves me, and he wants the best for his children. This is the main reason I don't think he is, has, or will allow anything physical to occur with another woman. Your take on that???

I was thinking about all of this yesterday, and I think I may have figured something out. As for taking time to heal, plan A'ing, and earning his heart...We were working toward that point, and then I quit my job and bacame financially dependent upon him. That would easily be remedied when I found another job. But before I could, I became pregnant. Now, not only am I dependent upon him, but I have brought another person into the 'mix' that will be dependent upon him. So although we may have been going in the right direction in mending our relationship, that all fell by the wayside when the options became fewer.
That maybe working on the relationship seemed like a mute point, now that he was 'stuck' with me anyway. (Which reminds me, during one talk we had, he said that he thought I may have gotten pregnant purposely, to trap him.) SO, what do you think??? Do you think that my dependency has become a set back?

Lizardfisher,
To answer your first qusetion about how close I was to plan A when she returnd the last time. My plan A was horrible, I wasn't even in the same neighborhood. Looking back on all of it now I should of and could of spent more time meeting here EN's. Had I known what I know now, I would have planned A my a$$ off.
Would that have stopped all the insanity she was throwing out there, had I followed MB's? Yes I believe it would have.
I have to agree with you when state that your H loves you very much. He most definitely does from all appearances, and from what I can see based on your posts.
People say things when they are frustrated, "getting pregnant in order to trap him", I wouldn't take that statement to heart. Action speak louder than words.
Observe, communicate, and Plan A.
As far as you being a burden. I would not look at yourself as being a burden or too dependent on your H. If you allow yourself to feel that way, and communicate it to hour H, then you more than likely will be seen in that light. I highly recommend that you move away from that mindset.
A month prior to my STBXW leaving (she was fired from her job and I suspect that her A was taking place at her place of employment).
She kept stating how she needed to find another job so as not to burden our family. This type of talk went on right up to the day she left.
The night before she left, she announced to us all that she had found a job. The next morning she up and left. That was almost 3 months ago... we have not heard from her since.
My point is, you can see shadows in the dark that are not really there. You could be creating an enviromnet that you need not to.
For example, no one in our household had ever pressed my STBXW to find a job.
When she found her new job we gave her congrats. and we were all very pleasent to her as well as offering her encouragement. She acted like it was just another day... little did we know.
I still believe that your XH has still got his guard up just in case things start looking like they are running in the wrong direction.
You should stay with the Plan A, and try not to see yourself as a burden.
Having a newborn is chaos all in itself, that is to be expected. This is a time that you and your XH need to really communicate what both of you are truly feeling at all times. Otherwise you could end up going down a spiral staircase real quick.
Give it some time, use the MB's principals, and don't paint any pictues that may not really exist. If you do that and stay the course, I believe you will see some results. It may take some time, but be patient.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Thank you again Wallace.
I am so blessed in so many ways, and I thank God everyday for allowing, and helping me to finally see what it's all about.
Things have exceptionally good the past few days. He has talked with me, touched me, and even suggested that we watch a movie together! I have been trying to take the negative energy I've been overwhelmed with, and put it into things like playing basketball with my daugthers in the driveway, and doing projects aroung the house that didn't get done while I was pregnant. I think this has helped. Not being so analytical has given me room to see a bigger picture, and another side of just about every angle.
I haven't LB'd in a really long time-though I have so wanted to!!!!! I know it will take time and work, lots of praying, and honesty.
Thank you, again, for all of your input. I will keep you 'posted'.

Lizardfisher,

It appears you are heading in the right direction.

Put God first in your life and everything else will come if it is his will.

Keep doing what you are doing, pray, and you will be surprised of the outcome.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ June 29, 2002, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>