I really need some advice. Every step my W is taking is moving us closer to divorce. I LOVE MY WIFE GREATLY, I am clinging to a thread and my strength is low.<BR>Our story…<BR>I was out of town on business a couple of weeks ago and received a call from the W (10 yrs) indicating she and the kids (5yrs and 2yrs) "found a new place to live and are moving out..." About a month and half prior to this, I came home (the day before my birthday) to find a note taped to the kitchen cabinet saying "the kids and I are on a plane (returning to her mother), expect divorce papers...handle it well...we'll be home in two weeks..." Needless to say I was devastated! I knew we were having some troubles but I certainly didn’t expect this!! Her mother is the LAST person who I would want involved in this situation!! My W’s state of withdrawal started a year earlier after another visit with her mom. Her mother is, without a doubt, the most selfish person I have ever met in my life and she has resented me for taking her daughter away from her. (more about her later)<BR>During this time, I went thru some pretty serious emotional exercises and I tried to learn about why and how couples fail. I spent my birthday in the office of an attorney – boy, that really helps a situation (not!). I did some serious soul searching and I (for once) realize how I contributed to our pain. Although, I whole-heartedly believe we BOTH contributed to this situation and that I was the proverbial “baby being thrown out with the bathwater”. I am characterized as being “emotionally abusive”. I’ll admit, over the years, I (we) have not fought fairly. Some of the arguments stemmed from some prettu egregious behaviors on her part. As many in this position do, I feel I have been emotionally abused also. I feel “taken for granted” and that my needs get met “only when it’s convenient for her”. This after repeated attempts at openly communicating what my needs were. Additionally, I feel like the “expendable man”. I’ve provided a nice foundation for a life; bought a house when we first married, bought cars, bought a bigger better house, did my part for her to have kids when she wanted them, helped make her desire to avoid daycare and be at home during the day a reality. I can’t say my effort has been matched!<BR>We have a Pursuit-Withdraw relationship; I being the Pursuer and I have been extremely passionate within this role. I realize now what a mistake my effort in this area has been, as well as many other areas too!!!! We married at the age of 23. In most respects, I was wise beyond my years. As it related to a “constructive” relationship, we were both pretty ignorant. We never learned how to effectively resolve conflict.<BR>While she was gone (the first time), I enlisted the help of every possible person I could. I spoke to friends, family, clergy, counselors and saw my doctor. My doc prescribed anti-depressant medication, which I really feel helps greatly. As a matter of fact, I think that a lot of our problems were due my not being able to handle strong emotional stressers properly. <BR>What happened in between her return and her moving out??? I created an environment of peace. I presented no conflict, only love. I knew she was terribly hurt and afraid and it was critical to start creating a “safe” emotional environment. I felt I was succeeding. I kept asking her “Are you comfortable with my behaviour? / Is this a man you could live with?” She said I had been a “Prince” to live with for several weeks. I think the one thing I did wrong during this time is that I was (again) trying too hard to resolve the problem. I kept saying, “we’ve paid our dues, I realize how I have been unfair and I would like to start making it up to you”. I just wanted to create love again. Other than that, I have no idea why she would leave. She will no longer wear her wedding or engagement rings. <BR>Her mother bankrolled the whole event. She paid for the attorneys and a very nice townhouse for my W and kids to live in. My W took several pieces of furniture from our house but her mother bought her everything else - top to bottom. To add insult to injury, her mother flew in to be here with my W. So for the past few weeks, it has been like they were playing house. Buying whatever my W needed and while I was spending (very painful) quality time with my kids, they could freely do whatever they wanted. Her mother is an extremely manipulative person. I’ve seen examples of how she has remotely been “tugging heart strings” and followed that up with materials from and about where my W used to live just make her homesick (in my opinion). As to how my W will be able to afford this life, I have no idea. She presently works 12 hours a week, and last year made about 6k.<BR>Money has been a tremendous source of difficulty between us. Over the years, my W has bounced checks, had a bank close her account, spent all our money each month, overdrafted our account resulting in about 3k in loans and run up about 2k on our credit card. Her last two checks before she left were $180 at a grocery store and $250 for herself. I have always been the financial “controller” but yet I would only write about 3-4 checks per month. We would have discussions EVERY month about her spending habits! They were to no avail! <BR>My greatest source of inner conflict is the pain I see being inflicted (needlessly) on our children. It is breaking my heart!!! I cannot understand how such self-centered behavior is justified and it is a true test of my patience!! <BR>After repeated requests just to sit and talk, my W finally showed up last night. I told her I missed her and I love her. She doesn’t share those emotions. As a matter of fact, she said she couldn’t get over the desire to “wring my neck”. At this time, she is still very consumed with the past, to the extent that she looks at EVERY aspect of our relationship as being negative. I strongly disagree! I feel we are textbook!! Poor communication, lost job/some tremendous financial problems, two kids and two very loving individuals that got lost in the mix. She has been counseled, professionally and personally by many who support these very hateful, selfish moves. And her mother is totally meeting her emotional needs.<BR>My family and friends keep telling me I'm fighting an honorable fight and to be strong.<BR>I can’t fathom being able to rise out of this pit!! As each day passes, another day for love gets squandered. Could someone please share some advice about how to overcome such obstacles with a very resentful person who is being greatly supported??? Wrongfully supported!!!!<P>

Dear bailey'sdaddy,<BR> Have you tried meeting with your wife in a neutral area with people around? I know you've already approached her, but sometimes people try too hard. You can't over compensate. When you talk to her again , you shouldn't bring up her faults. You need to deal with yourself before you try to deal with her. I know that there are several marriage counselors around that are christians that yall can go to. There are also marriage retreats. The both of you need to sit down and first decide if you both won't to save your marriage or not. Try opening communication without blame on either part. It takes two to tango and I'm sure the both of youshare the blame, but right now it doesn't matter because what has happened is over and done with. You can't bring it back and change it. And from a Woman's point of view, though we forgive, we don't usually forget. My advise is to take baby steps and don't go too fast. Just start with opening the communication channel. If you want a successful marriage, you also need to put GOD first, He is the only key to a truely happy marriage. You might want to try reading " HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS Building an affair proof marriage" it will help you both identify what you need from each other. It also has an emotional needs questionaire that will help you. The book is written by Dr. Harley. If you want, I'll even fax the questionaire to you or I can try e-mailing it to you if you'd like. But you both should do the questionaire before you show each other your answers. You can e-mail me at aug16@loa.com if you want the questionaire.<BR>

Dear bailey'sdaddy,<P>A lot of women are convinced by well meaning idiots that they are somehow being abused by the men that love them. "He's controlling and won't let me have money" (She's bounced 18 checks) "He won't let me go out with my friends" (They're drunks and have been charge with DWIs) "He never helps me with housework" (She's a stay-at-home mom and he earns the family paycheck solo)<P>I'm sorry that your wife maybe thinking this way. Have you tried sending her money? (Because you're worried that she might not beable to support herself) E-mails of commic stips and funny newspaper articles make non-threatening deposits in her Love Bank.<P>Also, this is really rare and affects 1 person in 50, but could it be that she is withdrawing because of a medical disorder, called bipolar disorder or manic depression. If she is delusional, she won't be able to destinguish between care and control. Other people will believe what she tells them about you if they have never met you and have nothing else to go on. Because eventhough what she may say is untrue, she believes it to be real and will seem to be completely honest. Because in her mind she<BR>is completely honest.<BR>Most people with this illness start showing signs of exaggerated responses in their late teens/early twenties. These mood swings progressively get worse as they get older until delusion and paranoia begin to set in often at around thirty.<P>It's treatable with lithium salt prescribed by a doctor. It runs in families and so her mother maybe undiagnosed but have it too. <BR>But this is a rare disease, and most likely your wife is being told by homewreckers that you are a cruel man (because you love her dearly and care so much).<P>Try hard not to get angry even though her mother is destroying your family. Send your wife a home-taped cassette of songs with lyrics that express how you feel about her.<BR>Visit your children. It's your right and she'll have to let you and you'll get a chance to talk to her in person and ask her to come back.<P>Many prayers for you.

thanks alot for the response(s)!<BR>rachelle-recently i have not tried to meet my wife in front of neutral people. with her mom in town, there is no chance breaking thru anyway. plus it is quite hard to find neutrality. people on my side think she is crazy and of course her side thinks i should die a slow, painful death. before they moved out, i absolutely tried to communicate without blame. as a matter of fact, i have and still assume a TREMENDOUS amount of responsibility for the situation. without my badgering to resolve problems and trying to make her change her ways (regardless whether i was right or wrong), she probably wouldnt have run away. again, i say I HAVE IN SOME WAYS BEEN EXTREMELY UNFAIR TO HER!!!i took great pride (perversely) in trying to win arguments. throw in a good dose of self-centered/god complex and macho "dont show any emotions that could be perceived as weak" and just for good measure, have a few drinks just so you truly dont know when to shut up - i will ALWAYS look bad! i cant change the past and i have said that to her soooo many times. all i can do is positively affect the future and do EVERYTHING within my power to ensure peace, respect and health in our relationship. i hardly drink any alcohol anymore - i just dont want anything to cloud my mind. i wish she would do the same! i agree whole-heartedly with you regarding the need for GOD in a relationship. we failed there too. i grew up in a very strong Catholic environment and stopped going to church several years ago. i now realize how important HE is in my life. HE provides a balance spiritually that is absolutely necessary. and i do have faith (still) that HE will help us. i have never prayed so hard in my entire life!!!<BR>guilty1 - thanks for the support!!! i'll say it again-i am to blame for some of our problems. regarding the people who are directing my wife-it is just a shame for anyone to advocate the dissolution of a family under these circumstances. especially when the "cruel" one is now doing EVERYTHING within my power to resolve and reconcile. it is truly as if she was brainwashed! i've wondered about her mental status. with the overwhelming sense of negativity, i was wondering if she was suffering from depression. she saw our family dr last week and she "said" he found no signs of depression. her mother has always seemed a bit mentally unstable to me. just within the past year, my W's aunt was visiting the MIL, they got into a physical altercation and the aunt broke the MIL's nose. arrest and criminal charges followed. it is really strange.<BR>it truly is as if i am dealing with her mother in the persona of my wife!!! there is just such a cold, hateful look in her eyes. strangely, during the weeks after she left the state and before she moved out --- anytime she would see i was in pain, a sick look of pleasure would come over her face. if she accidently hurt me, she would say very sarcasticly "oh, did i hurt you?" its pretty crazy stuff. because of this type of behavior, i have to really think twice about showing weakness or pain. it seems she jumps on it just to make me hurt more!!!<BR>again, her taker is all i see. i continue to try to make deposits in her love bank. on mothers day, i posted words of love in our local paper. on our anniversary last week, i gave her a card and had roses sent to her office. i spent hours cleaning her vehicle this past weekend. i tell her i miss her and i love her. she says she is surprised to hear that. weird?!? <BR>bottom line is i am COMMITTED to this relationship and i want to make it work!!!seeing my children negatively affected and having to give them up is tearing my heart out of my chest!!!!! its real hard not to lash out at the source of their pain!<BR>please continue to pray me!!! <BR>