I am a 33 y/o male, MD finishing cardiology fellowship next year, married '95, two kids MD 4 y/o and (dad's girl)SV 2 y/o. For as long as we have been together since meeting eachother (10 yr ago) we worked and share and play marvelously until about 2 yr. ago. In retrospect the demands of children, training, and the time limitations mostly due to my schedule caused our quality time to be almost non-existent and simply stoped "talking" to eachother. I am able to express myself withouht problem, but my wife, XW sorry, has some difficulty in expressing her feelings all along. At the begining this was not an issue, I guess I had a bit more time to dilucidate what was it that she wanted.

The lack of communication and the stress mounted for about a year and a half. I told her we needed to work with ourselves because things were not well between us, she never really said anything. I mentioned this about 4 times a month or so, almost beging in retrospect. I never, as I use to in the past, pursued and extracted trough question sessions what was the problem, I was just too tired, too buisy and by that time I had turned angry at her for not meeting my EN's despite having "a wonderfull home" where everything was provided (so I though). I started to feel sad most of the time, I was being harsh at the hospital with staff, I even started to contemplate in my desperation that even dying was not so bad after all. Yes, apparently, again in retrospect, developed a sub-clinical depression. But, I don't know if you agree, doctors just do not ask for help, we cure people, we are super-human, ja! what an idiot I was.

She had stoped working 1 yr. after our first child was born so that she could maximize this irreplaceable time with him, always with the forward intention that she be back working when our "reproductive" phase had past. I recognize now how exhausting house/child caring work is and how demanding. I did not at the time, I would mention things like: "but why are you so tired, most of the things you do are taking care of our most precious children?" I of course had stoped helping as much as I did during the first 3 years of our marriage, so she was doing all the housework, all the child caring, at least most of it, and yet I expected her to be radiant and willing to engage romantically when and if I got home at some Godforsaken hour. I had some unrealistic expectations too.

Ergo, I know we were both up to our maximum capacity when, well, someone beaufifull, full of energy, intelligent and who said all the things I wanted to hear showed up at a meeting in CA. I simply switched off and leaped. The affair lasted less than two months. I had never even looked at another woman before, not even in college, this is just not my personality, I do not condone it. But, yet jumped wright-in. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew I was unhappy and fearfull for the happiness I was not going to have the rest of my life if I stayed with my wife (jerk!), and angry at my XW for letting me die emotionally. I tried not too hard to conceal it. My XW found out and then we were both in anger, divorce was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I was blind, I though of nothing, not my children, my reputation, my extended Fa., not the financial debacle that ensued. My XW was blind as well with the anger of being betrayed, in shock.

Her uncle is a judge and as well as her lawyer, both recomended taking no action but the pain was too much, the anger too tangible. Affair started 11/01, I moved out 1 week after, we got officially divorced 3/02. We never even talked about it until 5/02. At that time I had been alone, working reading, taking care of the children as per arrangement. as I almost inmediately realized this was a big mistake, but the reasons that lead me to that point were not, decided to search for answers inside before embarking on any direction. That process brought me to the conclussion that I admire, love and respect this wonderfull human being that is my XW. I know that we are meant for eachother because when given proper nutrition and space, as in the begining, our relationship takes off. Now the problem: I told her some bad things in anger, I told her that I did not love her anymore, I told her to go on with her life, and she did. Despite the financial constraints and no job at the time, must mention the pension is substantial though, she had kept her head high and refused to feel sorry for her, I admire her even more because that is exactly the person I married and not this tired, worn down by our circumstance wife she became. I called her up in May 29 and told her how I felt, she confided that she had met someone, a friend, not serious according to her. Since then we had been gravitating around eachother. As she has always, her abilities to initiate conversation regarding her feelings are not easily elicited. I have begun to firmly demonstrate that I care, that I wan't an oportunity to save our family, go home wherever she is, however I am clear that I must have no expectations since I checked them all at the door when I left and signed the divorce papers. She is confused, does not know what to do or believe. She headed in another direction because I told her so and now I am concluding that I do care and love her, always had, just life and lack of comm.These past two weeks we had talked on the phonne almost every day, we have lunches together with the children and even gone over to her place to help out with the children and "hang out with her". But she does not relate, does not speak unless I initiate. She seems numb and I fear that she has developed an attachment with this guy and do not know what to do about it now.The Only clear thing she can say is that she does not know what she want for herself yet. The other person in her life I know is not so trivial as she puts it, I know this women and she does not take things like this light. She told me "we had a little bit of chemistry" and I know this to her is a major opening in her feelings for anyone. This man is 29 y/o (3 years younger than her), never been married nor children and their relationship revolves around the weekends when he takes out his boat withouth the prescence of the children. I am scared for the first time, I am solid clear on wanting to spend the rest of my life with her and our children. She has responded favorably but still undecided and would not seek any help as far as counseling until she makes up her mind (I proposed the idea of course), but at the same time I understand these first few weeks after she received my descicion to try and come back to her are crucial but I fear that between her inhability to express her feelings and no pointers from outside, therapist or other, we might hit a limbo state and deteriorate from there.

Please comment, I for the first time in my life ask for help. She is that important to me.

oopsmd

I felt the same way your X did. X wanted out as soon as he told me all about MOW. X never wanted to try to make our M work after the A. I couldnt understand why X was so mad at me, he should be happy with MOW. X told me its my fault for him falling in love with MOW, I made him love her. you helped me understand more about his actions. called him up just after the D & ask him to be on friendly terms it would be better for our son. X then told me that I was a bitter old woman who wanted him back. There were things said on both sides that I know we both didnt mean. told x I was sorry and didnt mean to hurt him, he has yet to say he was sorry for the A still claiming friendship with MOW. would like to just sit down with X without his family or friends putting their two cents in and have him tell me why he is filled with so much anger. Good luck with your X, maybe in time she can trust you again, I would be scared that if my X wanted to come back into my life he would hurt me again.

x-42 W-48
M-17 yrs.
A-while on duty as cop
C-13,28,7 gd.
D-5-23-02

MOW-29
M-10 yrs
C- 3 under 10
D-pending

Hi baskspace,

I just wanted to say that, even tho you don't have your W back yet, in my opinion you have what it takes to get her back. You have realized many things, and acknowledged them to yourself and others, that many people never get. There is a lot of valuable info on this site, and many wise people to help you.

Keep trying, you are way ahead of the game.
Free

backspace -

I am a BS, and now divorced - was married to an MD - and we had a situation similar to your own.

However, my Ex still thinks the world revolves around him. He's an ER doctor and basically runs the show while he's at work and then expects to run it when he gets home too.

I thought that I was being a good doctor's wife by basically taking care of everything, but now he blames me for not letting him make any decisions or something like that - he still won't tell me for sure. Anyway, I thought that we had come through medical school and residency without much change in our personalities, but I guess I was wrong.

ExH had A with personal assistant and instead of breaking it off - he left - and I was two months pregnant at the time and then almost miscarried. It was a mess, but he rationalized his behavior because I told his family about the A and his boss, so I became the root of all evil. Well hindsight is 20/20. She divorced her H and ExH divorced me and now they are going to get married. I however don't see much hope because they have nothing in common and ExH hasn't changed his behavior patterns, so once the infatuation wears off they are both in for a big surprise.

So, onto you. Please read the info. on this site and get a copy of His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. It sounds like you need to "Plan A" your ExW. If you read about Plan A, it gives the other party a chance to see that changes have been made and that the changes are LASTING - so you may need to do this for 6 months. Now that sounds like a long time, but it's not - and what is your marriage worth?

You are really lucky that you have come to some of these conclusions on your own and can see the bigger picture.

You can also counsel with Steve Harley and he can help get a plan together for you. It also may show ExW that you are trying and are serious about changing.

Use this time to really find out about yourself and how you cna become the person that you should be - not just for your sake, but for your children's sake as well - you don't want to pass on any bad personality traits or habits.

I know it's hard to find time because of your profession, but it's possible if you have your priorities in order.

It's all about trust for your ExW right now. But trust can be regained, and you have alot of shared history and shared future.

Don't lose hope - and be committed. K

Thank you for your replies, and so promptly. I have been reading around the site, I suppose we jumped into plan B off the bat. But if she does not want to, she won't be receptive, I guess I will wait. If I allow her space and time, will she feel ignored and see it as ambivalence on my part now that I had started to convey a reconciliation objective? The steps towards rebuilding the marriage imply interest bilateraly so that things can be discussed and negotiated, but any ideas besides time during the phase where she does not want to participate in that exchange now?

I feel optimistic right about now, but really what next? I know she has not the opportunity to reflect about what happened and what, as she puts it,she wants; mainly because of the caring of the children, job here and there and whatever time she has left she goes out to drink with her girl friends prob. to forget about me or the bills. Not the best introspective retreat as to for example pray, and look deep inside, I believe this to be key, how to reflect amidst "chaos"? hu? any thoughts?

Read about Plan A - that's the recommended method to use to negotiate the wayward spouse back into the relationship.

Good luck! K