Hi I'm Martin.I am 26 and my wife is 30.I live in Cheshire England and I run a pub.It is there where my wife met somone else.I am confused at the moment. I feel isolated and don't know where to turn.I need advice.

1 month ago my wife was spending alot of time talking with another guy on the bar.She told me he was just a friend and that she was entitled in this day and age to have male friends.One night she went out with him and on her return home I found a love letter in her room from him to her, I confonted her but she still denied it and said that he was just lonely after his divorce and needed company, but she was not interested in him at all. She then went on to say that she wanted a divorce from me because possesive behavior like this was unacceptable and she was not happy with the marriage and wanted to go home and have her own life back.I offered councling but she would not listen and by the following week she had filed for a divorce against me.I have had the first divorce petition through this week. We were always so happy and I could see nothing wrong.The last time I confronted her about someone else was 3 years ago and I have not been possesive since we got married. This guy has recently moved in with her and is having sexual relations with her and after speaking to her recently she has told me that she is living a new life now and that I will just have to deal with it.She can't explain why this has happened and said "These things just happen sometimes and you can't explain why or help your emotions"

All the time we never appeared to be unhappy. I gave her everything I could and tried my best to make her happy. We were not only lovers but best buddies too. We had a good business together and a lovely home and now this new guy is now living in our old house with my wife after only a month of separation. What's more, after only 2 months of knowing him to speak to. how can someone who has lived with me and been married for 4 years just switch off so fast and go so cold so quickly? She has now set up a new life with him and I feel like he has stepped into my life and taken it and my wife from me.

Is there any way I can get my wife to finish with him and if so how can I meet her needs and not let trust get in the way afterwards. The hard thing to get my head around is that I never saw a problem and I am now sat here asking myself "What did I do that was so bad to deserve this?" I suspect that she has just grown borred and is maybe looking for new and exciting things, a change from the norm. If only she had sat down and told me how she felt before it got this far, I could have sorted it out. Now I fear it is too late. To get married to me, she must have felt love at some point. All I need to do is show her that love again and not get complacent and take marriage for granted.

I guess towards the end, we didn't spend quality time together because of work pressures. But I offered to quit my job and take on somthing else less time consuming in order to save our marriage. But I guess the thrill of this new life was already planted within her.

I find it hard living back with my parents and not having a home, wife and a life to share with someone. Everything we did, we did together and now I feel that I can't go anywhere or talk to anyone on my own. How can someone just throw everything away so quick as if everything that has happened for the last 4 years meant nothing to her.She is even taking him into my local pubs, shopping with him at our supermarkets and going to all the favourite places that we used to go.Some of which I introduced her to.

She has done this on a guy before but they were not dating more than 18 months and I thought that because she married me, she had now found true happyness and was ready to commit herself for life. Does this sound like someone who is searching for somthing that they will never find? I think maybe she is, as the new man in her life is everything she always told me she hated about men.I can't see it lasting myself, but that's no conciation to me. I just want my wife and life back and the chance to sit down and discuss where things went wrong and how to make things right again. Like I said, there must have been something there for us to get married. We just need to find that something and work on it, but just need a chance and this other guy needs to go before I can do that.

Anyone who has suffered a similar fate plase email me with your comments. I need to talk to people right now.

MartyB
I'm from somerset and nearly going through what you are going through. i got antidepressants and they really help to stay sane on plan A (which i hope you have read about). We have the same fog the americans do and have to wait for it to clear..... What about her parents can they not exert any pressure?

Her parents are totally against me for some reason. I don't know what she has told them and I'm affraid to call them, as last time we met I had to throw him out of my pub because he was going through my private papers with her before going to see her solicitor. They probalby wouldn't believe me anyway. He must realise that this behaviour is not right, but all the same he has even leant this guy his car so he and my wife Emma can both go out to work. I know if it was my daughter I would have serious words about marriage and commitment.I certainly would not encourage it like he is!

Can't he see that It's not right to go from one guy to the next just like that, sleeping with them and setting up home whilst still being married. Especially so quick. I mean it's not only morally wrong but dangerous too. Like I said before. The last guy she was with had his own house paid for. She made him sell it and set up home with him in a new house to which she had her name put on the morgage. Then after 12 months took him for 1/2. I never thought this would happen to me, especially after we got married, as I thought she had finally settled down and found the right one.Maybe she will never settle down. But that still does not excuse her parents from accepting this as normal behaviour.They have even accepted him so quick and are helping him and her rebuild a life. To be honest, I could tell he never really liked me anyway. He is too much of a snob. He wanted his daughter to marry somone that was intelectual and a snob like he is. I got on with her mother.She seemed to like me and did'nt want to see me get hurt. She always stood up for me when her father would pull me down. Unfortunatly Emma and her dad are trying to get her put into a home to get rid of her as they see her as a burden after she had a recently been through a bad time with a cancer scare.I just don't think they have any love or respect for anyone.

Unfortunatly I never had my name put on our morgage because I didn't believe after we got married that anything like this would ever happen. Besides I was under the impression that once married, everything was 50/50. Of course the law has changed over the last 12 months. For such a short marriage you don't get anything anymore, only what you've put into it.Been to see 2 solicitors and citizens advice and they all tell me the same thing.Unless I have receipts for all the work done on the house I can't claim for anything. As if anyone would keep receipts for 4 year old D.I.Y jobs and furniture etc. Emma bought the house in her name because she put the deposit on it but she told me that when we got married I could have my name on it also. That never happened and I paid for all the restoration as it was derelect when we bought it. It cost me nearly £10,000 to do it up including morgage payments and bills and now I'm out of a home to which I have worked so hard on and this other guy and Emma are reaping the privilages of my hard work.Not to mention that it has gone up over £20,000 in value so if I want to buy myself the same house in the same area now, I couldn't afford it.

If you have been paying the mortgage and other bills wouldn't you have cancelled cheques showing this. Also the banks maintain photostats of all cheques that go through. Go to the furniture stores and ask them to give you copies of the receipts for the furniture that you bought. Next get a good lawyer that specializes in family law or divorce to represent you. Good luck.

Money is not my concern right now. But yes your right. And I have contacted the bank to get coppies of statements etc. But I just want to know how to get this man out of her life and win her love back. Plan A will not work because she will not talk and is so self centred in her own new world now. Maybe she will never repent or feel guilt and simply move on again. I can't see plan B working either because she is not one of those people to leave a gap between relationships. She always has a new one lined up before finishing with the last guy.Insecurity I guess.Besides if she won't talk or communiacte with me how can I be there to catch her when she falls next time? If she doesn't get her own way in the divorce and money gets in the way, she may feel more anger towards me than there is already.

Marty - I wish others would chime in. But stop worrying about how to split those two. Even if you can somehow mess things up for them, it still won't mean your wife wants you back. She has to decide that on her own. It sounds like she can easily pick up someone else. It also sounds like she set you up, and planned it well in advance. From the way you describe her father, she was raised to be selfish.

I'm sorry, but you need to invest in some good legal advice to protect yourself.

Good luck.

I'm sending you a hug from 1/2 way around the earth. The sun will shine tomorrow, you are very young still. When I was 26 I was single, and carefree. Do a good plan A. If that doesn't work Plan b. If that fails, don't worry-there are so many women out there looking for a good man-if not in the UK come visit us in the states. In my darkest moments I felt there was no future, someone once said to me-you will only do better in your next relationship, and although I am a BS, I have a certain level of experience and knowledge that life goes on and can be so much better. I am proof of that. Keep your chin up, I promise it will get better no matter what direction she goes. You can only work on yourself at this point. God Bless and get some good antidep. to help for now. Jersey Girl

Hi Martin!

to answer your question directly,

you go to your counselor/therapist and plop down in front of him/her, and talk to him/her.

otherwise, you go back to work, and after work you go see a solicitor and get a divorce as quickly as possible. . .

you are still young, there are no kids. . . its just a relationship that got legal too soon, and start dating with the intent on meeting people, but not to get married for another 5 years. . .

that's where you go. . . .

wiftty

Martin:

"She always has a new one lined up before finishing with the last guy.Insecurity I guess."

Insecurity? Martin, from what you've posted, this woman sounds like a predator. If you can scare up receipts for the things you've paid for, do it by all means. If not, I would cut my losses and GET OUT of the M as quickly as possible.

If I'm wrong about this, I apologize. You should protect yourself financially as much as possible in any case. Read all you can about plan A and plan B here. Even if you wind up divorced, the process will make you a better person, and your chances for a rewarding marriage in the future will be great!

all my best,

The hardest thing to deal with at the monent is the mental picture of the two of them having sex. And more to the point, her actually loving it.

When she was still living with me a few days before we split up, Emma came in with a big heat rash all over her chest. Maybe she had it on show on purpose to make me jealous,I dont know.But when I asked her about it and asked her if she had been having sex, she denied it and said it was because she was hot after walking around town all day with her cost zipped up.Then she admitted that she had been to see this other guy that afternoon and they had gone shopping together, AS FRIENDS.Yeah right!

"Come off it!" I said. "I've lived with you for 4 years and you never get heat rashes unless some hot sweaty guy (usually me) has been lying on top of you for 1/2 an hour." It was so bad and obvious that even the customers commented on it when she walked in the pub. Like I say, I've lived with her for years and she it very fit and doesn't work a sweat up that easily just by walking around town and certainly never suffered from heat rashes, only after sex. She was sweating a bit also and this made me so sad. How could she do this while sleeping in the same bed as me and being married. If she had just told the truth, maybe I could respect her more for her honesty, but no she had to deny everything. But every night when I'm alone in bed I just can't get that picture out of my mind.Him and her (MY GOD DAMN WIFE!) sleeping and making love. I even see the look of extacy on her face as he's doing it to her and imagine the way he looks on top of her all naked. Help me get this thought out of my head.I hate it and wish I could pretend it never happened. But she is living 1 block away from me and I keep seeing her and him together leaving the house (our old home) in the morning. And all I can think of is that.

MartyB,

Try not to well on those images. It won't help you. I know it's hard. Sorry.

I missed something or forgot (having my own crises to deal with). Why did you move out. What is the law in UK? Can she force you out? You are married, that was your "accustomed marital home". I wouldn't think that she could force you out of it. I don't think a man could do that - just because his name was on the papers.

I suspect that the others are right - that she has a different view of marriage than you do - and for her it is only a way to get things. I hope that is not true, but the signs look bad.

I know the feeling - that "she can have everything" feeling. I've been there. I don't think it is wise. You will regret it later, and meanwhile, she will not respect you. You need to go see a solicitor pronto and figure out how to lay claim to half of that house. If she is most interested in aquiring property through the use of men, that will get her attention for sure. What to do next, I can't even guess.

-AD

To AD

We moved to take over a bar but kept the marital house as an investment for letting or selling. It was left empty all this time. When we split we both lived at the pub, so Emma moved back to the house with Mike (the new boyfriend)and changed the locks on me.I have since sold the pub and am back living with my folks for now and put the money in my own bank account for safe keeping.

Because I failed to have my name put on the deeds and morgage, she claimed the house for herself to which I am told I have no right to enter without her permission, even though I have paid for 1/2 of everything. Like I said in earlier post, I didn't bother pushing her to have my name put on the house as I was always under the impression that once married everything was split 50/50. It was up until 1 year ago. Then the law changed. Now you have to be married at least 5 years to claim 1/2. Now I am only entitled to whatever I put in. And my solicitor says that all the bills and morgage payments that I have made over the last 4 years simply account for the privialge of having a roof over my head. In other words Emma could claim that she was just charging me rent for living in her house.Bum deal or what?

I am pushing the point that the house was always intended by Emma to be our future home for both of us and that it was to be ours jointly. If this works I may get 1/2 of the value of it. If it doesn't I may only get back whatever improvements I have made providing I can supply receipts of work done by myself, which I may find hard to do. Like I said earlier, who keeps 4 year old receipts for jobs done on a house for all that time. Were talking £10,000 of D.I.Y. Painting, tiling, new windows, carpets, kitchen and bathroom units, doors and even plastering, garden lighting, fencing and loads more. If I can't proove that I have done all these jobs, which I may find hard to do, then where do I stand. Emma paid for some of the materials but I put in all the labour.that must count for somthing.After all, if she were to hire a proffesional tradesman to do the work that I have done it would have cost her £4000 in labour alone.And the work that I have done had pushed up the value by £20,000. Come on, lets be fair here, if Emma claims that I never did all that work and she had her Dad or a friend to do it instead, then I can't proove that I did or not. Most of the materials I paid for with hard cash so there will be no record through the banks. God what a lesson to learn Eh? Next time my home is my own and I will look after my own money and not let anyone do this to me again.

I'm afraid I'm about to get screwed big time.Any advice anyone?

I don't think you are getting good legal advice. Find a lawyer not only specializing in divorce but in commercial law. The fact that you were married and paying the mortgage makes you more than a tenant. The marriage itself is a partnership. There is a history in which both of you took over a business and bought a home. If your case is presented properly a judge will see that your wife is trying to screw you. A good source for finding a good lawyer is by contacting people who do court reporting. They know which lawyer does the best job.

I agree find a very good attorney.As for your X wife, well she is now X. You must move on and get past the pain. You need to find someone that can help you leave her behind. I realize the pain you are feeling, many here including me have been there. Believe me that you will get past her.
In the end she will get what she gives...Find someone to be with that you can laugh with and share with. There are many beautiful woman out there waiting for you, just go slow... Leave you X behind.

MartyB, you won't find too many people more pro-marriage than I am, but I have to admit that I have a very difficult time seeing your "marriage" as anything other than a sham. You have painted a picture of your wife as a con artist.

You say you want to know how to win your wife's love "back", but I seriously question whether you ever had her love in the first place.

Maybe I'm wrong about this. It's awfully risky to jump to such a conclusion from such slim data. But it sure doesn't look good.

I do not agree that you should go out and find another woman to take your mind off your wife. Personally, I think that is a very bad idea. It is a terrible basis for a relationship, it is unfair to the prospective new woman, and it risks merely replacing one addiction with another.

Not to sound unsympathetic, but on the financial side of things, I must admit that it looks to me as if you are getting off pretty easy. I don't know anything about the housing costs where you live, but the amount of money you invested in your house over the amount of time you lived there does not appear to be out of line with what you could have paid renting.

So, yeah, you're being screwed. No, there's nothing fair about the situation you're in. But I'm very much afraid that pursuing legal redress may be throwing good money after bad.

Yes, it's an expensive lesson, but it's one you can recover from.

However, if you do decide to seek legal redress, you might consider using neighbors as witnesses. Surely someone saw you working on the house? I note that some of the projects you describe were outdoor projects.

Been to my new solicitor today. It's a woman now and from the feel of things she appeared to be gay so maybe she will fight for me more than the other one as I feel that she may have a grudge or two against other women also. From what she has said, I may be entitled to more that I thought. She is willing to fight for legal aid so I don't have to pay as much and is helping me get a good 50/50 split. She seems to think that even though it has been a short marriage I can still claim 1/2 the house even though my name was not on it due to ordering bank statements showing all the money I have spent on it and that fact that I can now proove that I was living there as an unmarried couple for 2 years previous to the marriage, plus she said that even though Emma put alot of money into the business, she could not have run it without my qualifications and experience or on her own so the proffits should be split equal. Also, Emma is trying to claim back 100% of the sale of the business as she said it was her investments that bought it.But my lawyer said that if the money was not meant to be sharred 50/50 then why put the business in MY name only and why did she transfer the money into our joint account first and not pay for it directly out of her own account. She's pushing the fact that the money was a gift to the marriage which is better for me.

I know this sounds like I am trying to screw her and I may sound like I am a [censored]. But please read the above comments to see what she has done to me and you will see why I want compensation for it. The doctor has put me on Prozac(well something similar) and wants me to go to see a psyciatrist and councilor also due to chronic depression. Saw my wife yesterday and she has removed her wedding ring and is now wearing it on her toe. A good mataphor for walking all over me eh?

PS.
I could do with some good advice on the following

Emma has stollen the passwords for one of my email accounts and is using it to request information regarding work. I have sent her emails asking her to get her own email set up but she has ignored this and I am still recieving spam from companies regarding her requests for information. I don't want to cancel the account as I have given the use of it to one of my collegues, who is getting fed up of the constant spam. Do you sugest I contact her agent or place of work and report this to them? She has also recieved some vandalism to the house recently according to her neighbours who still keep in touch with me. Her TV ariel was pulled down last week and her car was vandalised also. It had nothing to do with me and even when we lived in the house together last year we used to get wing mirrors smashed and tyres punctured so what makes her think it is me? I know I am suspect at the moment but she has posted notices on the wall outside her house for all to see saying "Martin, we know it is you, if you don't stop then we will call the Police" Is this not slander? It is blackening my name to the neighbours and I have not even done anything. I'm not that childish. If I have anything to fight then I will do it through court. Is there not somthing I can do about the note?

regards

Martin