My MB Friends, I used to post frequently 3 yrs ago and once a couple months ago.

Short version: Married 1980, 2 daughters
1987 H possible affair,definite depression for 6 months
1998 Jan diagnosed w/diabetes
1998 March Hernia inj. & surgery
1998 April, computer porn
1998 Summer Affair w/dispatcher
1999 April, I find out
1999 - 2000 H moves in and out 7 times(twice at my request)
2001 Sept. H starts getting aggressive
2001 Oct. H pulls gun, looked like Russian Roulette possible suicide move (I talked him out of it)
2001 Oct 30th I called SafeSpace, worried he says he knows all the locations
2001 Nov. 25th, He talks about 2 cops having the right idea (they both committed suicide) H starts chanting for me to call 911 and stands over me until I do. This can affect his job so I tell them he is working to much, that he needs to talk to someone, open up. NO HELP from the dept. Mad at me for writing a statement out because I could have refused. He tells me he is talking to Chaplin, so I relaxed.
2001 Nov. 26th He is looking up spouse abuse on SABLE, "when the police officer is the victim of spouse abuse"
2001 Dec. He has been telling me how badly I grew up (I do come from a violent home) how I am an unfit Mother, a bad influence on our daughters, how violent I am, and worthless. I hit bottom was so ready to just die, talked to him on the phone about it and unknown to me he let youngest daughter listen to the call.
2002 March He is preparing for a trip and accidently discloses when the affair really ended, not for a year after I had been told it had. I told him to get out of the bedroom, he yells at me to get out and shoves, I fall and hit a tile floor (no witness), he tells me I am faking it three times. I went into a rage and hit him, daughter walks in and witnesses me hitting him. She calls 911,he denies touching me, I go to jail, my bruises are seen and then find I have two ribs knocked almost off thier joints, 2 severe contusions one bruises my kidney, upper vertebrae was flattened in the fall and can not be repaired. (No charges were filed against me.)
The judge ordered me to stay away from house and him. 20 minutes later the order is reversed by H because of his "schedule and job", he can not take care of daughters. I return to residence.

He has always refused counseling, he has gone maybe 4 or 5 times and has always had to be forced. I go to a new psychologist, she is very good. I am terrified of what I did and my daughter witnessed, I never wanted my daughters to witness or see what I grew up with. My Dr. says I am the healthy one, we have gone over all the events and especially the things I have done, but she has concluded that I have been living under verbal abuse for a long time, physical abuse came in different forms, he got into bondage, I asked for it to stop, tried compromises, refused to cooperate with it, he wanted me to fight him off, I refused, there is no respect or love involved in any of it. He tried to convince me that he loved the trust he could see when he would tie me up but it was not trust, it was his way of controlling me.

Ok, my question how do you forget the person or character you married, the good person and recognize the mask they are wearing today, his anger is that I know too much, he does not want anyone to know what he has done and been doing. He hates that I managed to convince the deputy to take the bag that had his ropes in it and safeguard it, it's the only evidence I have of that and he mentions in a letter to me about how shocked the deputy must have been about that bag. June 26th he filed for divorce, we have had one conversation in person and two phone calls since March 23rd.

He uses our 15 yr old daughter to get msgs and trying to confuse her. Puts her in the middle of everything, I don't talk about him with her, other than to tell her that she was concieved and born to two people who loved each other and loved her very much. He now has out two daughters mad at each other over a dog. The dog was our oldest who is 18 and living out of state now, she wanted her Aunt to have the dog, she knew he would be taken care of there. Now he wants him, he works all the time, lives in an efficiency and no one would ever be home with the dog but it is just a point to cause trouble over. Our oldest does not have a good relationship with him and will not contact him, he was very hard on her and she won't talk about what happened other than his constant yelling and demands. He has treated the two girls differently, our youngest is closer to him but is 15 and currently enjoying all the individual treatment she is getting along with lots of little presents each week, which he never did before. I brought her to a pschologist because of the amount of anger she was holding, she is very much like him, was very angry over it. He won't back me on it (I contacted him about backing me on it and he said he would but during a disagreement with her a week later, I talked to her about going back and she called her father on me and he told her no he didn't agree with it, that she did not have to go.

No surprise he has done nothing but lie about everything for 3 years and finally gave up the last bit of integrity he had and he wears a badge. I foolishly refused to file charges on him because I have never wanted to take that from him, always supported his job, his schedule, taken care of home and children, filled in for him when he could not be there because of the job. Until finally I was broken. My one and only relief was when we did talk the one time, I asked him if he meant for me to fall that morning? He said "no". He started telling people that I threw myself on the floor. So his "no" is the closest he will ever come to admitting what he did.

My problem is shutting off the feelings, 22 yrs, 3 bad years. He will never see a psychologist, he is so afraid that they will find something, he doesn't realize, that they just might help him find himself his integrity. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

I must move on, I am meeting new people and making some new friends. I just want to turn all the feelings off because I still love the man I married but this man who has been here for the last 3 years is not him. What causes a person to lose thier character like that? I just want to stop crying. I want to be loved and cherished again. Lila

Lila,

I'm not married to a cop (yet, but I will be as soon as he goes back thru the academy)but I think I do have a little insight.
First, I don't think you have to forget the man you married just as you don't 'forget' anyone that you love when they are lost to you. You go through the grief process to completion and then you can move on. Same with a divorce. It is a death and the grieving is no less than the actual death of a person.

It does concern me, too, that this man, who is charged to 'serve and protect', seems to be extremely emotionally unstable. My husband wouldn't even go to a MC if his name was on the file. And I understand the dilemma in which you find yourself...if you do nothing, the problem is likely to get worse and he may end on the 6:00 news...if you do seek intervention, YOU may end up on the news as the lead story. At the least, it could have a devestating impact on his career and nobody wants to screw up the life of someone they care about. And, unfortunately, we all know cops will cover for each other--it's the 'brotherhood of blue' nonsense.

You will stop crying...soon you'll just run out of tears and pick yourself up and wash your face and go on. I used to cry everytime I talked about my dad after he died--now I can laugh when telling stories about him and just remember how much I love him---the hurt isn't gone but I have accepted that death is part of life. Same with my first marriage...the pain is long gone and acceptance is here.

And you can be loved and cherish again. My now husband has been a Godsend for me in that way. He has showed me what I had recently come to believe was true--I am somebody worth loving.

I pray for peace for you...it's gonna be okay and in the meantime you have us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you, I know in time it will get better, I am already starting to go out and do more for myself. My biggest problem is watching my daughter be put in the middle, and I can't do anything about it except listen and not give my own opinion or say anything about Dad. My only opinion to her has been to just work on her individual relationships with each person and not let others influence that relationship. I just don't want to see her get hurt but I know the best thing I can do is be there for her if it happens, and I hope it doesn't. He has already used two of our friends right in the beginning and now they both realize how he used them. They were two of the most neutral friends we had and I have witnessed them completely revise thier opinion. There is a passage in a book called "Controlling People" that sounded just like my husband, everything he does is for the public image, only his wife new the truth and that was why she was mistreated and he tried to controll her.

I keep praying, keep going, Bless everyone here. Lila

The good thing is that your kids are old enough to be hip to his tactics. I think the advice you've given them is the best in the situation.

I must say, I admire your behavior here. You are showing true class.