So tonight, my XH was to pick up the children from my house at 8:00 pm. That's what the order says.

It is 7:10 and we are returning from a lovely weekend at the lake. I call my XH to say that we're running a bit late, would he like me to drop them off at his house ...

Well in he starts. He is sick of me doing this to him, he says. He is tired of me cutting into his time, he says. He will let it slide this time, he says.

I said (more than slightly amused at his threat to report me for taking time away from him), it is a problem for you, if I bring the kids to you, instead of you coming all the way out to my house to get them?

I believe his problem is that the last two times he has been due to pick up the kids, I have called his house, several hours in advance of the pick-up, and let him know that the kids would be at their Aunt's place, we were going to her pool. (1. It has been miserably hot. 2. Aunt's is half the distance from his house that mine is.)

Apparently this is a HUGE problem for my XH, he wants to drive the full 25 minutes to my house to pick up the kids. It is just completely rude of me to bring them halfway, or dare I even suggest, bring them to his house.

Explain to me how he loses quality time with his kids when I drop them at his house at 8:00 as compared to him picking them up at my house at 8:00 and then driving 25 minutes home?

xPB

P.S. I was only 10 minutes from his house when we got back from the lake. It would have been no problem to drop them off to him, but he couldn't have that! As it turned out, five minutes into the trip home, he pulled onto my road ahead of me. He knew I was behind him, and yet continued all the way to my house. I don't get that.

XPB,

I suppose he's just a legalist.

Or, maybe he suspects that you want to come to his house to check out the scene - do some snooping or something.

It didn't hurt you any, so don't sweat it.

Next time, don't try to "help him out".

-AD

AD- nothing to snoop. I am over there twice a week to pick them up, at his parents' house, I pull into the driveway and wait, I don't even go up and knock, he brings them out.

He didn't even bring up the order. Just started in with some incomprehensible complaint about how I was inconveniencing him by offering to bring them to him (???) and it's just one thing after another with him.

In fact, when he finds out about the five pages of legitimate complaints about him and his mother that just went off to Friend of the Court, he's going to be irate. I'm tempted to start carrying a small tape recorder. The threats he makes, don't make sense.

IMHO,

You should go by the book. Trying to help him causes communication that doesn't help the situation.

Does it make sense? no. But just be at your house at the time he is supposed to get them and that is one less thing you have to communicate about. Your voice = LB. So to avoid ANY conversation just assume to go by the book. It may be inconvenient but it is actually easier than communicating.

By the way...I know your frustration. My H and I had the same issue when we were divorced. That is what I learned to do (go by the book). Just thought it would help you know that your situation is VERY normal (as crazy as that sounds!) sometimese it helps to know your not alone and hear that you are not crazy.

It is possible that (especially if you live where you two used to co-habitate) that he feels shut out...that you are trying to keep him from coming to your house for some reason.

People are weird.

ILM-

I guess it is rather rude of me to assume that he might appreciate me making it easier for him to pick up his kids. He assumes the worst possible outcome for himself every time I have an idea. No matter how much it benefits him, he expects it to benefit me more, and he just can't have that. I will be sure to have the children at home at pick up time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by franklymydears:
<strong>People are weird.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, they are. I would expect my XH to live in his house (that used to be our house) which is only four minutes away from my house. However, he chooses to live 25 minutes away in his parents' house. I think that's weird, but that's just me.

We never enter each others' homes. Exchanges are done in the driveway.

Maybe he thought you had other plans and it would
be more of an inconvience to YOUR plans if he came over to get the kids..

Like, you were going to go to an 8:00 movie with B/F and if he came exactly at 8:00 then you'd be late for the movie..but if you were to drop them off at his house early then you'd make the movie on time..it's a control thing..

They don't see the benefits that, hey, if they drop them off to me earlier then I don't have to drive all that way, and I get a little extra time with the kids..

But from your previous posts about him, it sounds like he thought you had other plans and your dropping them off even the slightest bit early would make it easier for you to go do your thing..

XPB and others,

this type of reaction has nothing to do with any thought process. . . he wasn't thinking anything about plans or whatever. . .

it was all an emotional outburst from either his lack of control of the situation, thereby taking out his anger on the "independent" one, or it is his way of letting XPB know that being nice is not acceptable, and he cannot comprehend nice after the divorce. . . .

But foremost, the reaction is all about emotions and perceived loss of control . . . .

good luck

wiftty

TR & wiftty ... key word ... control

Bingo.

A translation? Hmmmmmm.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is 7:10 and we are returning from a lovely weekend at the lake. I call my XH to say that we're running a bit late, would he like me to drop them off at his house ...

Well in he starts. He is sick of me doing this to him, he says. He is tired of me cutting into his time, he says. He will let it slide this time, he says.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Translation: You have obviously forgotten that you are mine to command. Whatever my mood, whatever my whim, you must cheerfully obey! It is a kindness for me, after all, to allow your many transgressions to slide. After all, the judge loves me! Remember? That is why I do SOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEELLLLLL in court every time we face off! I can hardly imagine the nerve you must possess to have forgotten such a basic reality of life!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Explain to me how he loses quality time with his kids when I drop them at his house at 8:00 as compared to him picking them up at my house at 8:00 and then driving 25 minutes home?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Translation: Can't you see that the quality time I truly prefer is the time I spend making you submit to my wishes? The children are merely the perfect tool to make this happen. You must obey! You have no choice! The judge is my bud! He loves me! I am the only thing keeping him off of your back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Enough of the bulls#*t already! This guy makes my head hurt just reading about him! As a guy I can safely say - he's a yutz! I've seen his breed before. The only bright spot I can see is the knowledge that sooner or later, it will come back to bite him in the [censored]!

Steaming at the ears,

Has

I want to know how you got him to do transfers in the driveway - my WH has to somehow get some body part in the house everytime.

I agree with WIFFTY - it's control.

But look at the brightside - ExH is the one who is inconvenienced - NOT YOU - so don't worry about it.

If you let his antics have any emotional reaction, then he is exerting control over you - don't let him. Just act detached but nice.

He'll eventually realize that he is the loser in the situation - or maybe he won't and you will never have to go out of your way to please him.

Would that be so bad?

And the tape recorder is a good idea - then you'll have proof for the court - sometimes these people don't even remember what they say.

K

Yuck! Control, control, control. Wish these boys would go find something better to do with their lives.

Agree with most of the aforementioned statements; by doing him a favor, it has to be something for your benefit, not his. Why? because that is the only way he would do anything in your favor. Kind of like the people who are the "lock up everything" mentality are the ones who are likely to be thieves.

Lori

My translation: Ex is a Control Freak, and can't stand any deviation from the script. I read a couple of your old posts, about how he wouldn't set up the bed but woulnd't allow you to do it either, how he complained about your housekeeping but wouldn't let you throw out or move his bags of junk. You're lucky to be rid of him.

Don't deviate from the original script in any way, because it gives him an excuse to argue with you. He's still hooked into you and trying to control. It doesn't matter if what you do makes his life easier, saves him time, whatever.

Enjoy your new life and your first love, Westley. Don't let the ex hook you into any arguments. You're a beautiful woman, you're young, and you have a chance at life with two lovely children and a good man.

Unfortunately, you'll always have a connection with abusive ex. You can limit the unpleasantness once you learn how to work around his patterns.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />