<small>[ July 07, 2002, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: goldeneagle ]</small>

GoldenEagle,

Hi, and welcome to Marriage Builders.

Your situation is complicated, but not unusual.

What you can get from this site is an understanding (at least a theoretical one) of the conditions under which people feel that they are in love with somebody. It sounds like you have already been reading that and are starting to question the wisdom of the divorce. That's great!

If you want to reestablish your marriage, I think there are two parts for you
1) Break the relationship with your "instructor".
2) Rebuild the relationship with your H.
and two more for your H
3) break relationship with his GF
4) Rebuild the relationship with you.

Probably that makes it sound too complicated. Don't dispair! Now, I have never called the Harleys for the telephone counseling, but I hear that it's really great. I have used a local counselor some, but not lately. Maybe I should go back. I think your case is one in which you are going to need some more professional assistance - not just the advise of this forum.

You can schedule counseling by clicking the Counseling Center link at the top of any page (or the link I just pasted here). It's expensive. But, your life and the lives of your children depend on it. If you can afford it, I think it's worth it. Save yourself some bucks by studying all the basic concepts in advance so you don't have to cover that on the phone.

The reason I say that, is that I can see that you feel like you cannot be alone. You cannot separate step 1 from step 2. You seem to be afraid to be without a man. If that were not so, I would advise you to tell your "instructor" that you need some time to think - that you would like to give you marriage one last chance - for the sake of the children. If he says OK, you know that he cares enough to wait for you. If he protests strongly, well, you can reach your own conclusions. I wouldn't expect him to just say OK without any reservations. But the main thing is to try to separate yourself from him for awhile and learn to function on your own - without any man. Your kids will tell Dad. You will know soon enough if he is interested. You can go from there.

Your marriage had big problems to get into this state. Those problems are not going to just go away. You two are going to have to deal with them.

Tell us about them. What happened in your marriage to lead to this point?

-AD

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 01:38 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

dear goldeneagle,

I can't give you any advice, but I just want to tell you that I am in the exact same situation tho mine only happened recently(abt 3 weeks). My wife has filed for divorce, it is now up to me to agree to a joint petition.

I felt really hurt, but I realize with or without another man in her life, this would happened sooner or later. But it angers and frustrates me to think that the man would only accelerate this. Much of my problem is becoz of my own insecurities, not towards her, but of myself, thus affecting us. Please do not doubt yourself, for you will doubt evevrything you see. I am not saying I have suceeded, coz it never will, it is a journey, until our final days.

I also suspect that GUILT is the main reason she is having difficulty thinking clearly. I tried to convince her, but it is not working. Even now when I think of it, even if we were to come together again, it will take some time for us to heal. Means regardless, we ourselves need to heal... and never deny it, but acknowledge it.

ALl I can say is being the man hurts... it hurts so much, a part of me died. But all I have is faith, the sort of faith that can only come from above. Hang in there. If you are not happy, it may be not because of the dilemma of choosing either man, it is becoz of you. You feel that you have not find that POWER within, the YOU within. Be strong.

sorry when I say insecurities, she is the one feeling insecure about us... about where we are headed to.

Renewed Man,

It's good to see you checking back in.
Will you post an update on your other thread?

Thanks,
-AD

<small>[ July 05, 2002, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: goldeneagle ]</small>

goldeneagle,

I think there is a possibilty of saving the marriage. It will require a lot of work from both of you.

It's 4am here and I don't feel up to a long posting, but just wanted you to know that I am reading and more help is on the way on Monday.

-AD

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

GoldenEagle's Other Thread

Just bumping this up - hoping somebody else would comment.

GoldenEagle, Maybe you could change the title of one your threads to something like "Former WW's, Please Help Me". That might bring in some of the people who can be most helpful.

WW stands for "Withdrawn Wife".

-AD

Golden Eagle,
I'm probably not the best person to comment on your situation, so ther are going to be some biases here, since I am a BS.
First I would go with what your Inner Voice or gut feel and do what it is telling you to do.
If you and your "H" feel that both of you could mutually get together and try to restore your "M", then I would work on it.
IMHO, it sounds as though you strayed, and your "H" followed your lead (revenge affair). I could be wrong though.
If you still have feelings for him and by the sounds of it, he still has feelings for you... I would act on it.
From a Biblical point of view, it is the right thing to do.
AD, gave you lots of good advice, I would follow his comments and suggestions.
I'm sure there is a lot of healing to do, but you both have to start somewhere.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Dear AD - I don't know how to rename my thread...

Anyway, I see that when details are left out then it is really hard to see the whole story. I am really confused right now and all the reasons why I left my husband are flooding back to me. I thought we were going to work it out but how can we with the OW still in the pic.

I take full blame for the breakup of our marriage. I am overwrought with guilt and accepted my role as a WW? Is that the right term? Anyway, I didn't mention the aids test that my husband had several years after our marriage (we both had ones before we became intimate) And the late nights at the office or unexplained hang-up calls or the friends (his friend's wives) calling me to tell me about his behavior during his night's out (I ruined his good times so I wasn't invited) or the nights where he didn't come home and would give an exuse such as passed out on a park bench. I guess because I am so angry right now that it is coming back. The EA that I had erupted after he had got a job at a local night club for minimum wage as a "bouncer" and came home way past bar hours-usually 3 or 4, sometimes he didn't come home at all. I was always with kids and my S got very resentful of my H, to the point I had to take him to counseling and I went myself. It was after I was having trouble in school beacuse of all of this that I confided to my instructor and that 's when the EA developed. I should have never allowed it to happen, never. I was finally able to relieve some of my burden but I should have saved it for my counselor. H was either at work, volunteering at the firehouse (supposedly) or at the night club. I asked him to look at this website, I'm sure he'll recognize himself...
Anyway, when I left him, he found a place to live and told me "good luck, you'll be back". It was hell living with family, going to school full time, working part time, and taking 100% responsibility for the kids (except for the health insurance) I'd hear all kinds of things about his antics around town (quite the ladie's man) It was the OM who helped me find a place to live, fold laundry, listen to me, help me and kids with homework, and organize myself to become self sufficient. It wasn't until about 3 months later that my husband thought that maybe I wasn't going to come crawling back and he would pursue me. By that time, OM was filling the void that he left. I wanted my H involved in my children's lives but as for me, my account had been long overdrawn of any of his love deposits. All I ever wanted was his attention and he gives it to me when I don't need it anymore. He then enters into a PA and after five months since sep. my EA became a PA- Iknow bad choice...
Nine months after the sep., and after lots of soul searching, healing, and reading about the affects of divorce on both couples and children, I asked my husband to go to counseling. I told the OM that I needed to make sure that I tried just one more time with my husband. OM understood and we cut off contact. I was comfortable being alone sorting things out. We went to a counselor (it had been 10 months since separ.) and he bashed me for having a A, H denied any PA, and I was also bashed by both H and Counselor for wanting to go to continue my education (grad. school). But H and I went out and had some nice times. We talked about honesty and what we wanted out of a relationship. I thought that we were on our way when I discovered he had been lying to me and had just began a PA and it was getting serious (going home to meet the folks,) I guess he thought my 5 year old was too young to talk about what was going on. I called it off and he still denied anything was going on, he just wanted me not to get into "his business". I allowed him to make me feel guilty and responsible for all of this, us, our future, the kids getting hurt.
I took a couple of months to myself before getting in touch with OM on a friend basis. I probably shouldn't have but I missed him. H stopped paying child support, made the kids feel terrible about him not having money, and went to the Bahamas (son found pics)
Now...why I am upset right now.
We went out the other night, had a wonderful time, spent the evening together. We began to talk about our future. We've been talking ever since. We took the kids to the doctor today and he wanted to take us to lunch but I had homework for an on-line course to post by noon so we didn't. He told me he loved me in the office, while driving down the road, kissed me any chance he could (no kids around). And then he said me he was going to take the kids to his sister's for a cook-out. I asked him if his girlfriend was going (kidding) and he said no, acting suprised that I would ask. I forgot to give him their clothes and when I got to his house, parked next to him was the OW. I don't know what to do. He told me she was just a friend and that I wasn't his mother. That's the logic he used all of those other times. I could never see someone and work on my marriage at the same time. Even though I care so much for the OM, I haven't been seeing him because of H. Now I think that I just had better move on. My H lied to me then and he's doing it again...All I want is a happy kids and a loving husband. I don't want the finer things in life (they've been offered and I turned them down), I don't want to party and go out (never have), I just want to play with my kids after school, be able to feed (and not have to worry about buying name brand food), and take them iceskating, roller skating, and not say "no" when they want to take a dance class or karate. And most of all, enjoy watching Seinfeld with my husband with glass of wine after everyone has gone to bed. Now that probably sounds pretty corny but I don't want excitement, I want stability. It's all I've ever wanted and I guess I'll just have to make the best of it on my own. Even if no one reads this, Iguess I feel better.

I just wanted to clear up any confusion if any...I stopped seeing OM about 3 weeks ago, however I didn't tell him how long it would be- temporary or for good. I have now and even if things don't work out with H, I think I need plenty of time to heal...alone, or else I'll go around feeling as though OM was the one who stood in the way of a successful reconciliation. Even though I feel as though it is hopeless anyway.

GoldenEagle,

Yes, having some more details really puts your situation in a different light.

I think you take too much blame on yourself when you say that the (almost) breakup of your marriage is all your fault.

It sounds like you have perfectly reasonable expectations for a marriage, and rather unlikely that they will be achieved with your H. On the other hand, it is not impossible.

Keep posting and maybe you will get some help from others who have been in your situation.

To change the title of your thread. Go to your first posting in the thread, press the "edit" icon (which looks like a little notebook and pencil). Then you can change the title and post the change.

-AD

<small>[ July 05, 2002, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Thank you so much AD for responding...I feel like such a sucker right now. I should have guessed that H just wanted to get a little revenge on me. He knew that I don't take things lightly and if I were to respond to his offers, that the day I took him up on one, I would mean it. I can't help but take the blame for all of this. I don't believe in divorce, I feel like I have failed and I am in a downward spiral. I can't imagine how much hurt and anger my H went through. What I can't understand is how he can say one thing and do another. He constantly reminds me how he tried so hard (and its my loss), but can you try hard and still be seeing someone else? I can't do the two at the same time. I feel so sad and restless. Another thing I am saddened by is that my STBXSIL was at a wedding recently and told my son that I was mean and nasty and she was glad that my H had found a "real woman" to take care of him. He told me this on the way back from his therapy. S also said that I could never be friends with H because H always talks about me and what I did. How can you say that to a child about his own mother. I will not talk about H to the kids, no matter what. I might as well be putting them down because they are a part of him. I know I'm rambling...sorry. I found myself writing a letter to God, it was all I could do not to call OM. I know whatever happens will be the best for all of us, but I wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

My H just brought the kids home...They went to OW's cousin's house. She spent the entire weekend with H and kids. He and I talk and he says that he loves me and wants to talk about being a family again. What is going on?

Can anyone tell me, am I crazy or what...is this coming out of the fog? Why do I care so much for someone I couldn't stand up until a week ago. I don't understand why I would risk the life I have made for myself and the kids to going back??

X was the WS, talking to MOW husband & her co-workers I now know what was going on. X was telling me he wanted our M to work but at the same time MOW was being told she was the one he wanted to be with. X was telling MOW that it was me that wouldnt leave him alone and he was only staying with me to be with our 13 yr old son. I blame my X not only for our D but MOW D as well. X is now mad at me & trying to make my life hell, it doesnt work anymore now that the love is gone. X is not a happy person these days. son doesnt want to be him because of MOW, & if he does M her son will not see him anymore. X told me he couldnt M MOW because of her 3 kids (his mom wouldnt like that). MOW doesnt know this & should be D in a few months. Her plans are to M him. I feel sorry for her she gave up a nice young christian man for X. If your H cant leave this woman alone let him go, I was told the same lies, she is just a friend. Go on with your life with this other man & dont blame yourself. In time you will heal.

X-42 W-48
M-17 yrs. 9 mts
C-13, 28, 6 gd
D-5-23-02

MOW-29 yrs old
M-10 yrs.
C-3 under 10
D-pending

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Original post by together:<strong>
Go on with your life with this other man & dont blame yourself. In time you will heal.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree that goldeneagle should go on with her life if her H doesn't let go of OW, but I strongly disagree that she should go back to other man. She herself acknowledges that she needs time alone to heal and even if she was to go back to OM, it would not be fair for both her and OM, if she was still carrying a torch and going thru withdrawl from her H. And this is not just my NSHO, but beign a witness to many people that have come to this board and expressing their regrett of divorcing their spouses and continuing their relationship with OP. It seems that in those cases,justh the mere presence of the OP makes the xWS yearn more for the xBS. In order for her to have a healthy relationship in the future, she first hast to exorcise any remaining love she has for her H.

Goldeneagle, I suggest you consider setting up boundaries that you will not tolerate you or your H crossing. And remember that actions speak louder than words and until your H shows you with his actions that he is thru with OW and makes a sincere effort ,thru an unbias counselor, to help rebuild the marriage with you, your marriage has no hope of surviving.

Good luck and God bless.

Thank you together and toomuchcoffeeman for the advice...Yes I do need to move on but it is so hard not being a family living together. I have a hard time going anywhere and seeing families-moms and dads together with the kids. I am whining but I hate this. I just filed my response today to my stbxh's counter complaint. I feel sick. There are many things I am going to have to bring up in court in order for me to defend myself (he was crooked). Why do I want to be together? I think that if I really put forth the effort, we might ba able to salvage our marriage. I haven't ever heard any happy stories about second marriages and step kids? Anyone else heard any? The top of my list is happy kids. The whole reason I would go back with h. He's coming to pick up d this evening and I plan on showing him this website. The window of opportunity is almost shut, bolted and locked...Any advice is appreciated.

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: goldeneagle ]</small>