Well, i started to reply then stopped. i'm not really sure where the marriage went wrong, I guess it just started out that way.

I was in my second year of college when I went in for a cheerleading physical to come out with a positive pregnancy test...

We married after our son was 1.

I always resented my husband and I believe he resented me. We did love each other but were both stubborn.

Your guess about the man thing was right, I didn't think I could make it without my husband. He took the liberty of constantly reminding me of this.

It wasn't until he got us into some financial trouble that we began to get close (long, unusual and personal story), only took three years. I was the only one who stood by him.

He went into the military and he was gone for 7 months, was the best 7 months ever had...began taking a class, really enjoyed being alone with just me and the kids.

When he came back, I got really lonely again.

I went back to school full time to get my teaching cert. (graduated this May) When we moved
several times, the last time we had to move into a home that had been our rental. It was in a really bad neighborhood and from then on it was the beginning of the end. I felt as though he was oblivious to our living conditions. I had the neighboring drug dealer's customers mistakenly knocking on my door. I had taken a semester off of school to help my husband during the academy for his job, and he had promised me an alarm system and appropriate locks for the doors and windows. He refused the alarm system and stuck a wooden stick in the slide of the window. My 11 year old found a gun in our back yard and we were too afraid to go outside. My husband was just never home, he joined the local fire department ( which looked good for his job) and we did the best we could under the circumstances (going to family's homes and trying to keep the kids involved in recreational sports). I just stayed away as much as possible.

We had the house on the market and my husband absolutely refused to sell any stock (we had plenty and it was before we lost it to the market) to help us go anywhere- even temporarily.

I was back in school full time and had hit my limit when I was coming home from school to find my 4-year-old outside by herself riding her bike in the street of this neighborhood. My husband would be on the couch, my son telling me what was going on while I was gone. Sometimes he'd make dinner, but after I'd get home at 10:30pm, both kids would be running around and he'd be asleep on the couch.

When I used to romanticize my instructor, I'd imagine him reading and doing homework with my kids. Pretty horrible to be attracted to someone because I thought they would be a good father.

Almost a year after I left, I did tell the instructor I needed time...He gave it to me and even read two books on divorce to help me understand which phase I was in (gave to me at a later date). I took some time to myself and even dated a close family friend's cousin (casually - he told me I was too independent..ha!!What did he know.

I went to counseling with my husband and I felt repulsed after we were "together" the one time during the 20 months we were apart.

well, the rest is history...
Do we work it out? Do the pros outweigh the cons? Do I still dump the instruct. and try again? Was I just going through withdrawl the first time? Of course I am afraid, I don't have a job yet - until the school year starts, my husband stopped paying child support, I am dependent on family and feel very vunerable right now.

Sounds like the two of you need to grow up--in a big way!!!
Are you sure you are on the right forum? If you want help trying to rebuild your marriage, this is the place; if you want someone to tell you to leave the M, you are at the wrong place. Only YOU can determine that...
I sense that you maybe want to work it out, but don't want to make the changes to do it, or just don't know where to begin. Read everything on the MB site, so you have a better idea on how to proceed.

Good Luck!

Sweden

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goldeneagle:
<strong>Of course I am afraid, I don't have a job yet - until the school year starts, my husband stopped paying child support, I am dependent on family and feel very vunerable right now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((((((Goldeneagle)))))))

This is the first I&#8217;ve read of your trials and tribulations, so please excuse me for not knowing all the details.

1. Do you try again with your husband?
2. Do you dump the &#8220;instructor&#8221;?
3. Do the pros outweigh the cons?

These are questions that are great to discuss but never rely on anyone for the answer. These are decisions that you must make on your own. I would ask you to look at your statement about fear and vulnerability extremely close.

It&#8217;s been my experience, from watching numerous people making decisions in this state, that they usually make the wrong choice for them. Again, I don&#8217;t know all the details but it seems from what I do know that you need to continue to work on yourself. Get yourself to the point of self-reliance and mentally healthy before pondering such life altering questions. If you are drawn towards your husband then obviously dump the OM and focus all you love on the one which you desire to receive it. If you are drawn to the OM then get divorced, dump the OM, and HEAL and become healthy so that you have a better chance of not ending up in the same situation down the line.

I watch people have affairs, date while separated, date while divorcing, jumping in the sack as soon as they&#8217;re divorced, and 9 times out of 10, I watch as their lives end up in the same situation that they left.

I guess my biggest advice is work on yourself, learn from the mistakes of others and never say &#8220;that won&#8217;t happen to me&#8221;.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Also see GoldenEagles original thread.

Goldeneagle,

It is easier for people on the forum to understand you case if you keep post your messages on one thread for awhile.

-AD

Dear AD,
I thought I read another message from you but can't seem to find it...It was about your wife and the book, NYC etc.... I hope you are experiencing a better evening and things have been rectified. It's really hard not knowing exactly where things stand, and very lonely too. You sound as though you are determined to work things out and I commend you on that. Patience is such a rare commodity.

Reading through my postings I sound like such a whimp. I always thought that somehow my situation was different and I see that's not the case at all. I have been consumed with guilt for the past two years and unable to see things for what they are. I know that I have contributed a large chunk of failure to our marriage. But I don't know why I am feeling like I want to go back one day and not the next.

so...I have decided to back off from everyone until I begin teaching, finish my children's book, and get my feet back on the ground. My husband and I are going out tomorrow evening to talk about things. If nothing else atleast we might be able to part for good as friends. I just want happiness for him, the kids, and myself.

Thank you so much for your thoughtfullness, I have never had any communications on-line before. I have a feeling that it is your insightfulness that has kept your relationship afloat and I really do hope things work out for you.

goldeneagle

GoldenEagle,

Thanks for your interest and concern. After I wrote the post you mentioned, I edited it to removed the information about my situation - as this is your thread and I didn't want to hijack it.

I hope that others will comment on your sitution. I appologise that I haven't taken the time to write more constructively about your case, but I'm not in the best mindset for that.

I'll be checking your threads for a few days to see what happens.

-AD