Hi all -

A little background - Divorce final 1st week of May. No final judgment signed yet about the child support or spousal support or even custody of kids - still in dispute.

Anyway, here's where I need advice -

ExH just bought a house, and wants his "half" of the furniture - and of course he wants it now otherwise he will not let the kids go on our family vacation (long story-another post).

So, he sends me a list of things he wants and says that it's his bottom line and that it's a good compromise ....... So I look at list and think it may be good for a final settlement (he says he only wants to "use" the items now) but really there are some things that I don't want to give up now, especially since I don't have a firm source of income yet.

For example - he wants to take the dressers and nightstand from the room that two of my sons are sharing. I ask ExH, so what will the boys use to put their clothes in, and he says just let them use some drawers in my bedroom that ExH used to use before he moved out. I tell ExH that I think that it will remove some of the stability in the children's lives as their room is a safehaven for them from the ravages of the divorce, and when I suggest that either he or I(with his money of course) go to say a garage sale or look for a set out of the newspaper or hit the 4th of July furniture sales, ExH gets irate because HE HAS NO MONEY to buy furniture and well 1/2 of it is his.

At this point I don't know if I'm going to have to sell the house, I don't know how much money, if any I'll get in spousal support, and how much he'll ultimately have to pay in child support.

I am concerned about what he'll do with the things - he did sell our mutual funds this spring without telling me to pay for taxes - because he mishandled our finances.

So, while I agree in principle to some of the items, I think it's way to soon to be chopping everything up, but if I don't then I'm being unreasonable and like I said, he won't let the kids go on our vacation - by the way, he is taking the kids on a week vacation this week and I want 2 weeks, but he says that 2 weeks is too long for a vacation for the kids(I think he really means that it's too long for him}.

Any suggestions, should I just give in or wait until the proper time in the legal proceeding?

An aside - ExH wanted to move in while I was out of the state on vacation, and wanted me to let him into the house to get the furniture he wanted - NOT! and then when I said no to that, he told me to just not go on vacation then...... He's out there somewhere....... over the rainbow(but I digress).

Really, any info. about how anyone else split the property and when they did it would be much appreciated. Thanks. K

Well... your attorney should have run a Dissomaster and Propitizer which would give you a fair idea of what support should be and ways to split up property equally in monetary value (can never do it in the emotional value).

As far as furniture, my stbx had all the stuff I brought into the marriage thrown out, so he just said all the furniture was his and to keep from fighting about it, I gave it to him. Yes, the kids didn't have a dining table in which to eat or do their homework, but he didn't care.

Usually judges look down on things that upset the kids. I would say hold off as long as you can until you get some idea of settlement issues. There should have been a list done of all assets and their monetary value. This is split equally and an equalizing payment is made to the one who has less. If you make agreements on who gets what, it helps. Can't imagine that teh divorce is final and no settlement is done. I can't finalize my divorce until the settlement is finished.

Keep your chin up, the guys that keep harassing generally get bit on their rear when the time comes.

Lori

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> An aside - ExH wanted to move in while I was out of the state on vacation, and wanted me to let him into the house to get the furniture he wanted - NOT! and then when I said no to that, he told me to just not go on vacation then...... He's out there somewhere....... over the rainbow(but I digress).

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H still hasn't taken his clothes out of the house he vacated 6 months ago, but he also asked for the key to get in while I was away. Yes they are in a fog.
I'd talk to my lawyer, but I'd also use his list as leverage to get his signed permission for you to take the kids on vacation. I'm planning on getting my H to sign such a paper because I don't trust him, and neither should you.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. This should be a wonderful time in your life with a new baby, but God believes you can handle this, or he wouldn't be throwing you these curves.

You should not split anything off until the property settlement is final.

He doesn't need furniture right away, just because he bought a new house. A card table, 2 folding chairs, and a mattress will do to start.

Mornin', GIIC,

Not clear on this: The sale on the house he bought closed? And he's in that new house right now?

Nor this: He wants to move the kids' furniture into the house or he won't take them on the vacation he has planned? And he's cut back the vacation from 2 weeks to 1 week? And the 1 week won't happen unless he gets the kids' furniture?

Now, on to my thoughts:

1. He's in heavy fog (like you didn't know this!)
2. He made a decision to leave his family with 3 little boys and a baby on the way
3. He sold community property without his wife's knowledge & consent to pay for a debt he incurred without your knowledge
4. You are in possession of his childrens' furniture, the bureaus where they go to get their clothes to get dressed
5. Possession is 9/10 of the law
6. You're the innocent party

Why should you subsidize his new life, after the position he's put you in? He can go to Office Max and buy some cheap plastic rolling chests for the boys to put their clothes in. They're about $40 apiece, and they stack up nice, and he won't go broke. They're clear, so the kids can see where their t-shirts, undies etc are.

You're absolutely right that they shouldn't have any more disruption in their lives and that they need stability.

By the way, how's the baby? Is she trying to roll over yet? Is she making eye contact with you, and smiling? Sleeping through the night, or sleeping with you? (Our son slept in the bed a lot because it was just easier to flop him over to one breast or the other and nurse him until he went back to sleep again.)

And how's your reaction to hubby when you talk? Are you keeping cool, not letting him draw you into arguments? Be well sweetie.

Belle - to clear things up -

The "closing" on the house with the title attorney and the home's sellers is occurring while I'm hopefully out on town on MY 2 week vacation with the kids.

ExH didn't think he could live without seeing the kids for 2 weeks, so he's saying that he won't let them go on my vacation - well let me rephrase that - he'll let them go if I agree to his demands.

He did however change his vacation plans with OW to include the kids and they are on their way to San Antonio, TX as we speak. They will all be together for a week.

I agree with you about everything else, and

tmmx - I agree with you about the card table. I offered to go to some garage sales and help him replace the furniture, but he didn't like that idea very much - his answer came in the form of a yelling vent from him to me over the phone.....

bangarra - and yes we will have to make a list and value everything, but we're not even to that stage yet - heck, him buying the house was a surprise to me, and yet he says I've had dince d-day to get myself together -- has he forgotten that for 7 moths of that time I was pregnant with 3 kids and no H and then with 3 kids a newborn and no H. Well, he's just of the opinion that he wants HIS HALF NOW .... or he'll throw a tantrum like a two year old. Oh well, he's OW's two year old now. But I fully pplan to have the attorneys take over this part of the process.

I was just wondering what the normal process was for others who have been divorced.

Thanks all! K

First Disclosure needs to be presented to both lawyers. Also, on the betrayed spouse side, which is me, I have put down what I think my stbx WH has in another state. The judge will either have an investigator check it out, or we will hire a detective to do this job in all states. Disclosure is all assets, all items, all furniture, all money, all stocks, everything, that entailed during the marriage, which is you are still married until the divorce has been signed. As far as dividing the assets equally, is not so. With the years of marriage one has, we have 24 years, the percentage goes hirer for the betrayed spouse, which is me. SNL is my stbx WH. With SNL having the sexual affair, there is a percentage increase. With SNL showing that he is going to go against the judges order, the percentage will go hirer. Also, with the husband in my situation showing that he is not concerned about the kids, money, life, animals, only about himself, the judge will take action.

A lot depends on the length of marriage, and who is the more responsible party. In my case, I am the more responsible party, I was told not to buy anything except necessary items, and I am sticking to it. My lawyer told me that we were to make copies of all receipts, but SNL said he wouldn't do that. So I found SNL bought a digital camera for over $400 in the last few weeks, and he bought a 2 year plan to a local gym. Does that tell you that he is responsible, NO! Also, he let our oldest daughter use his credit card, that he has with his mother, cause husband is unable to get a credit card of his own. Our daughter paid for her rent, etc. and now that card is maxed out. Also, he gave her money to spend. I can't get money for groceries, but he can give her money, all she has to do is go daddy, please I need some money. She asks, and gets, I ask and get a kick in the butt. Makes sense to a Foggy person in denial.

Also, the one who kept things up is showing the more responsible party for keeping things up. In my case, my husband has let the pipes drip in the walls, and now we have mold growing in 3 different places. He was trying to tell me today that this house is worth x-amount of $'s, I said not with the mold that we have, plus you can't sell a house with mold, new law passed and you have to disclose mold. So I will have a realtor come out to the house and disclose the mold, and SNL will find that this house is not worth what he says it is. I have shown my husband that I am trying to get the house done, we have built it for the last 15 years, and it still is not done. Anyways, I can do what I want and not have to worry about husband criticizing me. Would of liked him to say good job, but haven't heard it, and don't really expect it. SNL doesn't know how to compliment a wife, just his other woman.

Also, insurance will have to be paid by your x if you are a stay at home woman. Keep the life insurance up, keep the insurance on the house, and everything else. Try to downsize what you can as far as materializing. I am having a big garage sale at my mothers in the near future. My dad just died this past January, and she is downsizing. Also, there is the vehicle situation, my vehicle is undependable, and I am going for a new vehicle. My husband will have to pay for a new vehicle, since this one has been a lemon since day one. At least with a new vehicle, I can have it checked out at the dealer on a regular basis, and know that I will get to where I have to go without worrying about breaking down. My vehicle has an electrical problem, and mechanic said it is not worth fixing with the year of vehicle I have and the mileage on it.

We have the problem of the animals. I will take care of all the animals, since SNL doesn't want any of them, and the animals were brought into this house under the whole family being under one roof. Now the big boy dogs are 11 yrs old and are in their senior years. They are taking aspirin and another supplement for their senioritis. The new puppy will stay with me, she is 1 1/2 years old. Oldest daughter doesn't want her, and our 2nd daughter wants her. So I agree this dog will be happier here, has 3 other dogs to communicate with. Our oldest was suppose to take the oldest cat with her, she moved out about 1 month ago. Now she has a new kitten, and doesn't want the old cat. Probably, for the better, this cat is sort of neurotic and would be better off spending her final days here. She is 10 years old. Now we come to the blue front amazon. My husband and oldest daughter wanted her. Well, guess who cleans the cage, checks her food, checks her water, and checked her while SNL was living here. Of course me. I am the dependable one and I am the one that will look out for animals, cause we brought them in to our lifes and we are responsible until they die. SNL would not check her cage daily, I let her go for a few days without checking, and SNL finally check and her food bowl was empty and her water bowl was dry. She drank and drank water, the poor bird. Asked daughter when she was here 2 weeks ago to clean the cage thoroughly, no she didn't want to do it. So our oldest son and I cleaned the birds cage outside, I gave the bird a coconut bath, and it smells so nice now.

Responsibility is important in dividing items. That is what my lawyer said to me, and also the other person that I am talking to. Fight for your rights, and fight for respect for yourself. Your STX doesn't give a hoot about you, I found that out too, so you have to protect yourself. Don't trust your lawyers totally, I did and now I know not to. This is the first time for me in divorce, and I have a lot to learn. Don't trust your x on any statements, like SNL posted here months and months ago, he will take care of me financially and emotionally. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way he is treating me. So don't trust their statements, and look out for yourself.

Like I was told, you have to take care of yourself, there is no one out there that cares about you the way you do. I have learned that the hard way, and found that it to be a true statement. What your stbx says, and actions are on opposite sides of the earth. Listen to what they are saying, but don't trust them worth a darn. This has been the hardest thing for me to accept. But it is starting to get through, with all the actions of my husband. It hurts like heck and this was the man that I trusted, and put on a pedestal. Now I know that I am nothing to him, but a woman that he had children with, and nothing else. His actions make it quite clear.

TAlk, talk to whomever wants to listen. I have and it has shown to be helpful.