Good morning all. It's been a very long time (about 1-1/2yrs) since I posted last. During that time I have been trying to make things work with my husband. We've done the counseling thing and that worked for a while, but things are slowly falling apart at least for me. We've been married for almost 13 yrs and probably for about the last 7 or 8 yrs. I've really felt like my heart is just not in it. Don't get me wrong, I know I love my husband at least to a degree, but I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore and I haven't felt that way for a long long time. I've tried to tell him several times over the years but he just doesn't want to accept it. We have 2 beautiful kids and I don't want to hurt them, but the thought of staying together for another 10 years or so just makes me ill. Believe me when I say that this is not just out of the blue and an aweful lot has happened over the years in our marriage so it's not that I don't have the ability to make it work, I just don't feel like I want to keep trying anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of being the one that is always giving and never receiving anything back. I'm tired of faking that I'm happy I guess. Does any of this make any sense? I feel like I'm rambling on and on and not really saying anything. Just some back ground too, I had filed for divorce about 2 years ago, but never proceeded with it. My husband talked me out of it and we have been trying to make it work, but in a nut shell, I'm feeling that it's not the right decision for me now. I don't really have anyone that I can really talk to about this so any comments are appreciated.

IMHO, it sounds like your "M" has just gone stale for the time being.
Have you asked yourself the question, what could bring this "M" back to life?
I would think it would be easier to bring about your own "M" and put it back on track, rather than just walking away from it all... which it sounds like your ready to do.
Have you and your H filled out the ENs questionaire?
It appears that you are the giver and he is the taker. Are you doing anything to change that situation?
I'm just asking these questions because I don't really know enough about your circumstances to really make an informed comment.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

In some ways my marriage has gone a bit stale I guess, but it's not for the lack of trying. Please understand this stuff has been going on for a long, long time off and on. I'm just getting to the point that I'm tired of thinking everything is ok one day and coming home the next and having the rug yanked out from me. I've tried to do all kinds of things to make my husband happy (and me too for that matter) and nothing seems to really work for long anyway. I'm not just talking about sex either, I mean everything. I've tried to be more open and honest about finanacial stuff which was always a big problems before with us. I've also been a willing participant in all his sexual fantasies, some of which have been way out of my comfort zone, but I did it anyway thinking it would maybe help. All that did was make me feel used and disrespected at times. I know when I once again sit him down and tell him that I'm not happy and that I think we need to go our separte ways he will tell me that I'm not trying hard enough and that I can't make it without him. Well that I know is not true. I lived on my own before I can do it again with my kids. I have a very good job and I can support myself and my kids without him if I have to. I know that everything I've said seems somewhat selfish probably on my part, but what you have to understand is that for the past 15 years of my life I have always done what makes everyone else, including my husband, happy. When is it my turn to be happy with my kids that I love so very very much. I know if I proceed with the divorce it will devistate my children, but I know that we'll get through it.

Miserable,

I know the feeling - although my marriage is not so long as yours, I have done the same things. I recommend that you read Give and Take. This seem a strange thing to say, but you need to learn to take. You have been repeatedly violating The Policy of Joint Agreement. That's right, YOU.

You have accumulated lot of resentment against your husband because you have gone along with things with which you did not enthusiastically agree. It will be hard to change, but you really must stand up for yourself. In any healthy relationship, there is a certain amount of conflict. Trying to avoid the natural conflict really doesn't work. It just saves it up for later. Stop trying to make "everything seem ok" all the time. It's scary, but if you begin to do it, things will get better. It will take time, because your H is now very used to getting things his way.

You might also read Boundaries in Marriage, by Cloud and Townsend.

Good luck,

-AD

<small>[ July 02, 2002, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Thanks AD. You're right that I don't like conflict. I sometimes find it to be easier to just keep my mouth shut than to start a fight even though I know I shouldn't. All it does it make me pick everything he does apart (at least in my head, I would never say it out loud). My husband asked me this morning if I still loved him and I wasn't sure what to say and it scared me. I know I do to a point, but it's not the same anymore and it hasn't been for a long long time. He's the father of my children and there will always be that connection, but I'm not sure about the rest. I was only 21 when we got married and I've know for a long time that we probably shouldn't have. I've done some pretty terrible things over the years that have hurt him and he has done his share of things too, but I have never cheated on him not even at the worst of times and believe me I wanted to. I just don't seem to care this time what happens. I sometimes daydream of what it would be like to be alone with my kids and not have to answer anyone else. Probably sounds dumb to you.................

Have you and your "H" gone to see a MC?
If not I would suggest that you give that a try.
AD, has given some great advice, keep up the good work AD.
It's very difficult to be the giver all the time.
It's even harder, when you get nothing in return.
See if he will go into "C" with you if you haven't tried that yet.
It appears there are some deep seeded issues on your H side that need to be brought out.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Yes we did go to a"C" for a while. I told him I was filing for divorce and he said he wanted to go. I went because I was afraid if I didn't go that he would make things really tough on me. It helped some, but then we quit going because it got to expensive even though his job paid for most of it. Anyway, like I said things were ok for a while but they are always ok for a while and then bam, let the ride begin! I'm tired of fighting over the same stuff over and over again. I'm tired of fighting over money, sex, friends and anything else that he decides to toss into the mix. We actually have to go back to our hometown this weekend for his class reunion. That'll be fun! Then on Sunday he's bringing the kids home and I'm staying up there to go to the doctor with my mother. Anyway, I can't wait for some time away from him to try to clear my head a bit and put things in perspective. Please don't suggest that I talk to my parents while I'm there, they have enough to deal with (mom having medical problems), they don't need to be worrying about me. I do have a friend that I may go see while I'm there. He's always given me very good advise and I always feel better after I talk to him. I've known him since I was a kid, he's my brother's friend. He's been divorced for about 3 years now and we all kinda helped him through it. Anyway, I don't know if I'll see him or not, but it will be nice just to get away for a bit.

Hi again,
No I wouldn't suggest that you talk to your Parents about your situation. Sometimes that is the last place you want to go to, to get advice from.
Maybe a little break like this might serve you well.
Give yourself a little breathing room an d just try to enjoy life for a little while.
Then, go back home with a positve attitude and see how it goes.
Hopefully things get a little better.
IMHO, and I am no Doctor, and please don't take this in a disrespectful manner... but it sounds like your "h", may be suffering from a mild case of depression. You may be as well!
What are your thoughts on that?
Stay Strong!
Wallace

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by miserableinpa:
<strong>We actually have to go back to our hometown this weekend for his class reunion. That'll be fun!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I assume you are being sarcastic, and that you really don't think this will be fun for you. Why then do you say that "we have to go"? You don't have to go. Maybe you already agreed to go, but still, if you're not going to enjoy it, then this is a case where you can try to use POJA. Just tell him that you don't want to go and have decided not to go. Try it. It's a lot less horrible than divorce. You don't have to do it in an angry way. That's the key. When you are afraid to "resist" - afraid to say "I don't want to", you can easily become angry - because you don't like saying "no", so by the time you actually do say no, you're furious. Try something gentle, say after you H is well fed and is relaxing, just sit beside him and gently say "You know, H, I've been thinking and I really don't want to go to that reunion, so I've decided not to. I don't mind if you go, but I'm going stay home." Probably, he will be surprised, because that's not what you usually do. Maybe you never did something like that before. It will be scary for you, but if you keep it calm, not angry, and calmly resist his pressures to change your mind, he may eventually accept it. In any case, you simply don't go. On the schedule day, he starts getting ready, telling you to hurry up etc., maybe it is a good time to go the the mall. I don't know if you can take the pressure if you never did it.

Again, I say, this is a lot less painful than divorce and it will get easier after the first time. After awhile, your H will begin to think about what you might want to do - rather than just what he wants to do. At first, he may not even believe you. After all, you have lied to him all these years in effect, by going allong with his plans, you have never given him a chance to know what you really want and like.

If you divorce your H and start another relationship, you will end up right back in the same place. You will go along with the new man in the same way. He won't have a chance to know what you really want and need and you will eventually accumulate resentments against him too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I do have a friend that I may go see while I'm there. He's always given me very good advise and I always feel better after I talk to him. I've known him since I was a kid, he's my brother's friend. He's been divorced for about 3 years now and we all kinda helped him through it. Anyway, I don't know if I'll see him or not, but it will be nice just to get away for a bit.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very bad idea. Confiding in a person of the opposite sex when you are "taking time away from your H" is always a very bad idea. This is the road to an affair. Indeed, it is the first step of an affair. Don't do it! Get a girlfriend instead if you need somebody to talk to.

Be strong!

-AD

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Well for some reason what you have to say is very touching. If you are truly unhappy then you must do something about it. Generally falling out of love has something to do with needs being met by another. Yet you say that is not the case. You also have a lot of years invested with your husband and the life you built together. Only you know for sure. Reminds me of a poem that you should hold close to you as I do. “Bull fighter critics row on row crowd the enormous Plaza De Toro. But there is only one that knows and he is the one that fights the bull". Only you know how you feel. I can only tell you that what you are considering will be very painful to you and your children. Not to mention your husband. Are you sure that you are not able to bridge the gap between you. Is it really to late to be inlove with him..Is he inlove with you?. I just now that where you are headed might be painful.. Think it out and be very sure.
The children can live through this and all things do come to past, just think it out first. Only you know for sure.

Good afternoon. Sorry I wasn't on earlier. I'm at work and we've been very busy trying to get things done before the holiday. Anyway thank you for all the advice and I definanetly have some things to think about over the next several days. I'm not sure about my husband being depressed, but it's something to watch for. I was only joking about the reunion being fun. It will be very nice to see everyone. There are a lot of mutual friends in that group. I can also understand your concerns about my male friend that I talk to sometimes, but I don't think there is anything to be concerned about. However, I will keep your comments in the back of my head. Hopefully this time away will give me a new prespective on things and I'll come home with a more positive attitude. Take care and have a great holiday weekend. I'll touch base on Tuesday or Wednesday when I get back. Till then........

dear miserableinpa,
I feel that you have glossed over some really important issues such as sex and finances that could be the culprits to your marriage's demise. I had similar complaints about my eight year marriage. I always felt responsible for my H's bad bad choices. I tried to keep things together, be the perfect wife and then I felt the same way you did, tired of trying to hold everything together. You do get tired!! My H had been telling me since we got married that I couldn't make it without him. Now, I did something really stupid and became involved in an EA a month before we separated. I am still dealing with this and having a rediculously hard time going through with the divorce. Only advice I can give is to avoid any chance of an affair at all costs!! I was better off day dreaming about the nerdy guy next door who actually gave attention to his wife. THough I thought I was just bored, I found it was much much deeper. You need to evaluate the issues, write them out, just for yourself if nothing else. You'd be amazed at what things you've been through when you read about your life and marriage. You are not alone. Everything will work out for you, just remember you do have time unless the situation gets hostile. You will be okay, let us know how things are going when you get back. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you find the path that's best for you. Good luck.

Goldeneagle

You have been away for 18 months and you are now back. You don't know on a conscious level if you want to stay with your husband, but dear, if you don't know on SOME level, you would not be here at MB.

You need to firstly sit down with your husband and have an honest talk about how you are feeling, and perhaps have both of you fill in the questionnaire about emotional needs. I think that this is the crux of the problem. You are trying to fill his needs, and perhaps he is trying too, but there is no sure way to find out if you are succeeding unless you know exactly what those needs are.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs? If not, do so. I hope that in itself will help you.

You sound to me like my stbx. He was unhappy and didn't know why, but instead of trying to solve it he went out and had affairs. Now you are setting yourself up for a potential affair with the old friend. Believe me, talking to him right now is just off limits.

You admit that you could have had affairs in the past but chose not to. Well think of how 'safe' that old friend is going to seem to you. That is how affairs start. WS's meet someone who is safe...they feel relaxed, comfortable, etc, and before you know it there is an affair. This is because that OP is meeting emotional needs that the spouse is not.

In your case, simply being listened to could be enough. KEEP AWAY from the old friend, at least in being alone together. It is playing with fire in your present state of mind.

Yes, I also know it is hard from your perspective, to be in a marriage where the other person does not seem to be ideal. But in all fairness, I believe that both of us did not have the skills to maintain a relationship. We did love each other once, but it faded because we changed, and we both forgot to look for what the other wanted and needed out of a marriage. I found this site too late for us. But you have a chance at this, sweetie, and I am sure you are here again to find that out.

Love and light,

Jacky

I made it back in one piece. The reunion went pretty good for the most part and so did the rest of the visit. I did spend some time with my friend, but we didn't really talk about anything to do with my situation. Ended up that we got with a group of people and sat around a fire, drank some beer and talked for hours. It was a lot of fun and a great way to get my mind off myself for a while. This morning however, my husband said that when we had sex lastnight that it was the first time in a long time that he felt that I actually ment it. Which I did enjoy myself, alot, but I am guilty of something terrible and I can't believe that I am capable of having such thoughts, but on the occassions that we have sex (usually to keep him off my back, no pun intended either), I find myself thinking of someone else more and more. I feel horrible, but I can't help it. Believe me when I tell you that absolutely nothing other than a hug hello and/or good bye as ever happened. I am very close to this person and have been for a long time. We've even gone on vacations with a group of people together over the years. Am I that pathetic that I daydream of sex with someone else and I haven't even refiled yet?