HI, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE POSTED IN THIS. BUT I AM 26 YR WOMAN WITH 1 DAUGHTER 3 YRS OLD. JUST GOT DIVORCED ON 6-11-02. WELL, NOW IT SEEMS, NOW THAT I AM HAVING FEELINGS OF UNCERTAINITY AND SCARED OF THE FUTURE NOW THAT I AM BY MYSELF. I HAVE MET A NICE MAN WHO IS 15 YRS OLDER THAN ME, HE'S 41. AND WE HAVE SPEND LOTS OF TIME TOGETHER TO WHERE WE HAVE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER. WELL, HE IS SUPPOSEDLY SEPARATED FROM HIS COMMON LAW AND HAS KNOWN THIS PERSON SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL. AND HE WAS STAYING AT MY PLACE A COUPLE NIGHTS A WK AND NOW HAS LAST WEEK DECIDED THAT HE AND I NEED OUR SPACE, FOR ONE I JUST GOT DIVORCED AND I NEED TO HEAL FROM THAT . AND HE SAYS THAT HE NEEDS TO GO FIGURE THINGS OUT AND THAT HE HAS SOME HANGUPS ON THE AGE THING, AND THEN HE SAYS HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NOTHING THERE WITH THE EX. SO THAT WAY HE CAN GO ON BEING WITH ME. BUT THEN HE SAYS THAT SOMETHING IS TELLING HIM TO GIVE HIS HOME LIFE AGAIN, AND THEN HE SAYS THAT HE LOVES AND CARES FOR ME AND THAT HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO GET ANGRY, BUT THAT HE JUST WANTS TO FIGURE THINGS OUT, I FEEL SCARED . TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WITH SOMEONE, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS SOMETIMES ITS SEEMS LIKE HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT TOO. MY THERAPIST SAYS DON'T PUSH IT, AND FOR ME TO GET INTO OTHER ACTIVITIES LIKE CHURCH.I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I AM SCARED. I JUST DON'T KNOW. HE CALLS ME AND WE GO TO LUNCH BUT HE IS ACTING LIKE HE IS UNSURE OF HIMSELF. HELP..... I DO LOVE AND CARE FOR HIM, I JUST REALLY HAVEN'T BEEN BOTHERING HIM, HE IS THE ONE CALLING ME. I GUESS. I CAN PLAY THE GAME.LIKE IF THEY REALLY LOVE YOU THEY WILL CALL. RIGHT? AND THEN MY EX WANTS ME BACK AND IS STILL IN LOVE WITH ME, BUT I AM NOT, I DIVORCED HIM ON THE GROUNDS OF INSUPPORTABILITY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

First off, WELCOME.

I hope I don't scare you off but I have pretty strong feelings in this area. You've only been divorced for 21 days and you already have a part-time live in. Were you healed? Is your child healed? I believe the answer is no on both counts. Is this the life lesson that you want to teach your daughter, dependency on men.

Take TIME to get to know yourself. BECOME at ease with being ALONE before you even start dating. Please, please don't prance people in and out of this childs life. She's the victim of the divorce and has plenty of issues to deal with, even at her young age, without having added confusion of another "father" figure.

As for the age thing, I don't have any experience with that but if you listen to Dr. Laura, she has some pretty strong words for anyone seeing anyone 10 years older. My X is with a man about 20 years older than her and a counsellor told me that she thought it was because she was looking for a daddy instead of a partner.

Just some thoughts. Hope that everything works out.

Imelda,

I also want to welcome you. You can find some friends here who can help you through this.

Read the information on this site - starting at the Basic Concepts. You can get to that page by clicking the link at the top of any page.

I think LostHusband has already given you some good advice. You pointed it out yourself. You are afraid of being alone. This is a major issue which will undermine any relationship you are in. You will be so dependent that you are afraid to assert yourself. Of course, it is not good to be alone, but it is not the end of the world. It may even be that you are smothering the new man by being too emotionally dependent on him. That may be why he "needs some space."

Try to imagine being alone. It's not so bad, really. If you can get a new man in 21 days, what's to risk? Try it, you might like it.

Please tell us more about your situation, both in your former marriage and with this new man.

I assume you knew him before you were divorced. Is this true?

How long were you married?

Do you work? Can you support yourself? Is this new man supporting you financially?

You wrote that you divorced your xh for "insupportability". Do you mean that he didn't provide enough income to support you and your child, or that he was insupportable?

I will have to reveal my bias here. I think it would be great if you could get back together with your H - fall in love with him again. For your daughter (I have one too) this would be wonderful. I'm not pushing you. I understand that you are divorced and it was probably a very painful process with many difficulties. Any reconciliation should be undertaken very carefully, if at all.

Well, I've written enough (probably too much).

Please write more. There are friends here who will try to help.

-AD

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>