Hi people,

As some know, I went to court on the 24th to try and come to some agreement over our assets, which was nearly impossible to do on that day because my stbx lives overseas and his lawyer was representing him without full facts or telephone contact. A proposal was made, which was defined by law (ie: I asked for what I am entitled to by law, with a reasonable expectation that I will accept 5% less). He has received this.

Because I expected some backlash from stbx about my proposal and since it is school holidays here, and because of the court hearing, and also because I will have been separated on the 7th of July for one year (required before divorce is filed in Australia), I was feeling a great deal of pressure, so I took my kids and I off to the snowfields for a few days and we had a wonderful time NOT being here.

Well I got back and checked my mail and phone messages. Mail from "Tough as Nails" Lawyer, including the letter they sent to his lawyer, all above board and what I expected. Phone message from stbx - blech. I expected it though, but I am still weak at the knees right now.

He is, to say the least, incensed at my proposal, called it rediculously unfair to HIM. Now bear in mind folks, I am claiming for the KIDS, not MYSELF (the majority anyway)....but of course he is selfish and suddenly realises how much he will lose financially because of his unwillingness to work on our marriage, and instead to go get OW and live with her. I sincerely hope she is worth that amount of money, because it is substancial.

BUT.........now he says he will quit his job immediately (the contract doesn't finish until next April) so he can gain more custody of the kids....WS speak for paying less maintenance. That is ALL he is thinking about. If he cared for the kids he would have quit long ago.

I have no doubts at all that nothing much will change regarding custody, on the advice of my lawyer, and I also have no doubts that the judges will NOT see through his plan to try to save money. The fact is that in Australia, there is a formula for working out payments, and he has not been meeting this on his current salary. Even when he gets back here, whatever he earns, I will still be getting the same percentage (not the same amount, but you get the idea) plus the amount he owes me.

I guess I am angry because it felt like he was threatening me. I just got back tonight from a VERY long drive, and his message was that he wanted to talk to me tonight to 'work this out' so that it is fairer to him (which I am NOT going to do tonight, I am soooooooo bushed!). And anyway, I am in Plan B, so I really only want to talk via email, which he knows.

So, excuse me? When did he ever think he was being fair to ME? Why the hell should I think I ought to be 'fair' to him? The fact is, and always will be that I have gone for what I am entitled to, I have not done anything to ruin him, particularly, though he will lose a lot of money. I did point out long ago that if this went through he would lose a lot of money and his response was that he did not care. But of course, now that it is a reality, he cannot live with the consequences of his actions.

I suppose I am raving...but what the heck. That is what this board is for sometimes. I think I am just asking for support...

Love and light,

Jacky

I love and support you with every cell in my body, every piece of dirty laundry in my house, every ant crawling on my kitchen floor, and every anti-depressant pill in my medicine cabinet.

If I had a penny for every time I heard or read the thing about once they realize that they actually must pay for part of the shoes that their children must wear and part of the food their children must eat, they decide that they should fight for custody I would have more money than the Queen of England.

Selfish, Selfish, Selfish. Do they not realize that when/if the children come to live with them not only will they still have to pay for things but there will be even more to pay for?
$1 for the bus
$3 for the school bake sale
$5 for the toy at the store
$8 for the childrens tylenol
$29 for the soccer shoes
$4 for McDonalds
.25 for a gumball
$1 for taking out the garbage
$10 for movie and poporn

Not to mention the committment involved.

Rides to practice and lessons, taking the child and friends to the mall, having the birthday parties, cleaning under their beds, doing the laundry, holding their head while they vomit, waking in the night to a scream from a nightmare, hearing a scream when one falls off the bike in the driveway, getting the call from school that one has a fever, the ear infection, to the doctor, to the emergency room, stiches, broken arm from the monkey bars, crying child because her best friend hates her, boy in a fight on the playground, teacher conference because child is misbehaving in class, the ants in the kitchen because one of the children cut up a watermelon on the floor and did not wipe up the juice.....

All of this is worth it to me because of the hug and kiss I get while tucking them in. For me it has nothing to do with money. Heck, I have no money, I do this because I love to.

They have no idea. Truly. No idea. Not one clue.

I love you.

E

Liz,

Thank you for your encouraging words. I have woken at 5am today with all of this going through my head, and I am expecting a tirade from him. But it is only words...and I have to do this. It is disappointing that this happens, but I expected it.

I do not want him to come back to Australia. I have been very content without him in my face, and if he does come back, I will have to deal with him more...

*sigh*

Nina,

My prayers are with you too...it is worth it..

Elizabeth...I hear you..

Jacky,

I know what you mean. The STBX was offered a job in Dubai & know one wanted him to take it more than me.

Hey E, I loved what you wrote, just wait till they are teenagers & you are the only 1 waiting up for them, wondering what, who & such they are doing.

I was a part time single mom for 15 yrs, just never had the money worries but the last 3 have not been that much different. STBX has the fun & I get the dirty work.

Thanks guys!!!!!

Sing, the dirty work thing, yeah, I feel that too. He sits in his office writing mooshy letters to the kids, thinking that makes him a great dad...well you know what? The kids read his most recent love letters to them, me reading for the young ones, and they didn't even REACT!!!!! Just walked away.

Now the custodial parent is the one who has to take the good and bad each and every day, and then along comes Disney Dad, spoils them rotten, then actually has the GALL to get annoyed with them when they get antsy about something (blaming their poor conduct on their mother), and then goes back to Mr Single Guy life. And that SUITS him very well UNTIL he has to pay for the priveledge.

You know I am doing okay, and he know it. I am content with my life these days. I have no real stresses, no HIM in my face making me feel stupid, crazy or unreasonable. I realised that this is his usual tactic for getting his own way, and he is doing it now. He is saying HE doesn't like it, I am ridiculous for even THINKING that I will get that kind of settlement from him, and in fact I now believe the comment about returning here and quitting his job there is a blatant threat. A threat because he knows I know his income will be reduced...so I am supposed to buckle under this in order to get more money. It is NOT about the amount, it is about fairly providing for his children, and 65% of a salary is what that means here. He will be no better off. I kinda feel sorry for him...nah...that was a passing moment! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I expect he will try to talk to me today, but I am going to email first and tell him that I want to communicate only through email. He will not like that, cos it will be written proof of what he is saying, and I do not think he would try to bully me into submission with the written word. Well that is WHY I want email...to protect myself.

Why are they sooooooo blind to the consequences of their actions?

hey sis,

i emailed you quite awhile ago, but didn't hear back from you. did you get it???

NE way, you know you have my love and support... 100%, more if possible...

Men AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> they make me so tired some times... who the heck does he think he's kidding? he doesn't want the kids... he couldn't handle them 24-7-365... that would mean his social life, his behavior and his attitude would have to change, and that is very likely NOT going to happen... men <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

i could say a lot worse, but i know we are on a public board, so i will keep my offensive remarks to myself... but i'm sure you can imagine...

my ex threatend me with the same idle threat. all i had to say was, "sure, you go ahead". "i'd love to live as if i was never a parent with no worries of caring for someones elses life"...

only difference is i don't have the capacity to forget that i am a parent... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

NE way, let me not get myself into a tizzy... i am actually doing okay. ex has been really good about helping financially even though he refused me support and stuff when he filed... in fact ex and i have been spending a bit of time together and it has been pretty good.

i love ya, miss eing with you...

stay up...
kim...

Hi idostylin!

I did receive your mail, but it was right before my snow trip and I was packing, running around getting ready......and so busy!! I left your email in the inbox to reply to, so I will do that later today.

Yeah...you know I don't think it is just the men WS's who are guilty of this. Women WS's also want to be unaccountable for their actions, and will try to get more and more from their stbx's. There is plenty of that on this board. My stbx should have known the law, as his uncle lost a LOT years ago when his wife (WS) left him, took the kids and THEN got most of the poor guy's assets. He used to talk about this all the time, and held great contempt for his former aunt.

I don't happen to think that a no fault divorce is fair, for that kind of reason, but the law is there to protect the KIDS, and whoever has them gets a big slice of assets. Unfortunately this means that sometimes WS's get it all. BLEH.

So in my case, I have the kids, and have the law on my side. WHAT would he do with them around? And OW? Oh yeah step-mother material...NOT. So I am not that worried about his threats about custody...the most he can expect, as far as my lawyer said, is every second weekend and a night throught the week. That is 104 days a year, and my child support would be cut accordingly. Do I care? No!! He has to pay for them when they are with him as well as when they are with me, so I am not losing a THING. This is why I know he is just trying to bluff me. NOTHING will change, really...he will still have to pay. Sheesh!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hi Jacky, you have my support, countrywoman. I'm sorry this is so hard on you. It is not fair, none of it is.

SH

Thanks seahorse...I have been reading about your events, too, and I am amazed at your resilience. You have done so much for YOU, and that is always a good thing.

Well, I just sent stbx an email telling him not to call me, and that I would only discuss things via email. I wonder if he will still try. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I was just sitting here thinking about how he thinks this is unfair...well I could have claimed some additional assets that I know about...things in South Africa, and the 'biggy' is his 1/4 share in the family farm...which IS on paper, and I COULD have gotten 65% of his share there too. So if I was vindictive, I could have done that, right? Sheesh again!!!

I have to laugh (or I will cry) at his statement that he will HAVE to leave his job in South Africa in order to get this sorted out...can anyone detect a little BLAME shifting for that one? Forevermore, I would be told "I HAD to leave my JOB because of YOU!" Well, these days I am more savvy to that kind of stuff, and it doesn't wash anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

Could it be that he now realises he has no 'hold' over me, and is angry about that? Well, whatever, this whole string of events is not totally MY fault. I do take responsibility for my part in the demise of my marriage, but he does not. He sees it as all my doing so in his mind, I am not 'entitled' to anything, since I was a bad wife to him. Yeah, right. SOOOOOOOO bad that I put my career on hold for his, moving around wherever he wanted to go for his work, only to be dumped when he reached the top rung of the ladder. UGHHHHH.....

I think I am angry that he still sees me as stupid...that he can manipulate me with the CHILDREN, which is what he is doing when he threatens getting extra custody. Well, no way. I am not falling for that, and neither will the courts. See, I have been researching this for a year, and I know my position well. He, on the other hand, has done his usual avoidance thing until now....so he is way behind me.

Do I care? No! This is NOT THE GREAT GATSBY, and I will NOT clean up his messes anymore. I am a survivor, and I am doing what I have to do, and to HE** with him if he doesn't like it.

(just an aside here....does anyone ever wonder where the sudden strength comes from??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ July 03, 2002, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Amazing how we are the cause of everything bad in their lives... I never knew I had such power over people - or that I was born with the sole purpose in life to make my ExH's life hell.

Stand your ground woman! You are totally in the right. You are thinking about your children(which he is not). And you are not doing anything unreasonable.

Don't forget those things.

And try not to let him vent at you about the mess that he has gotten himself into. It's good you sent that e-mail.

It's amazing how our Exs act like they are identical twins. I'm always interested in your posts because then I know how my Ex will act.

For example - Ex buys a house ou of the blue and suddenly NEEDS 1/2 of the furniture DESPERATELY - or he will die or something, haven't figured out what that something is, but I'd kind of like to find out(could be interesting - maybe he'l actually explode or something).

And he NEEDS his furniture ON THE EXACT DAY THAT HE IS SIGNING THE PAPERS ON THE HOUSE. He still has a place to live - actually two places his parents and OWs. It so happens that I will be out of the state at that time and he wants to have permission to go to my house and take what he wants while I'm gone. And when I say no, he flies through the roof. I also told him no, he couldn't take the children's bedroom furniture and he hit the room on that one too.

It's incredible that they still act this way - and they claim they we are the ones who are still attached..... PLEEEEEEZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

K

GIIC,

Amazing, isn't it? They go, they get what they want, they do not think of the consequences, and when it hits them, they are DUMBFOUNDED when they realise what ELSE they are losing!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And then they are AMAZED at the GALL of US who have to survive the biggest hurt of our lives, because we pick up the broken pieces and get on with it. And we become strong, and they never saw that, or if they did, they forgot that quality within us.

I have been up a long time last night and then very early this morning mulling this over in my head, and I have come to the conclusion that this is the way he has always dealt with things...by bullying me into agreeing with him. Well, no more guys. I am just not in a position to let him do that now. This is the future of my children we are talking about, bottom line. And he will NOT disadvantage them as MUCH as I can help it, despite his choices.

Mother Bear has arrived.

Love and roars,

Jacky

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jacky

Has he responded to the e-mail??

GIIC, When you go out of town..call the local police department and ask if they can keep an eye on your house for you..let them know how long you will be gone and how to contact you or a trusted family member or friend..let them know who is allowed to go in your home..(like for me when I go someplace it's my sister) to check mail and put it in the house..and such..they will make sure no windows are broken..and the neighbors and others see the house is being watched..so if they see anything they will call them..you can also ask a trusted neighbor to keep an eye on things..
since most know he doesn't live there anymore anyway..they would know something is up..he would probably tell them you had agreed to let him go in the house while your gone..and if you don't let them know something..they wouldn't know if he was lying or not..so cover yourself..if you haven't had the locks changed yet..DO IT before You leave..if you typically leave a key with a neighbor when you go out away (some ppl do to feed any animals and all) let them know he's NOT to go in the house..UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!
because some ppl say.."she/he told me they were going to leave the key but they must have forgot"
or she/he told me to come get the key from you if I needed anything"...so protect yourself..and your things..

Our posts and Exs came out of the same mold. My Ex has been horrific these past two weeks.

He demands, he wants, he threatens. He told my 16 year how horrible she is and he didn't divorce me soon enough to save her and her older sister.....I got this when I came wobbling in from the hospital. Can you believe it.

Oh....the whole world--meaning me of course--is out to get them.

If it wasn't getting so comical--it would be tremendously sad. In fact it is.

Do you think they will ever get over hating us for their mistakes, choices, etc. I wonder.... Pat

Thorned Rose......no, he did not respond to the email. He did try to call the kids again (we were out), and left another message on the machine, but made no mention of things.

MNM, kicking you when you are down!!!!! Yep, I know that feeling. I got his proposal for settlement just after I had a major operation, and he then emailed me all the time trying to get me to agree to it, sensing that I was just not myself and could possibly be swayed. I decided not to make any major decisions until I was over the operation, and I stuck to that. Gee, I think that annoyed him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And sadly, no, I think I will always be blamed for this whole mess, and then he will take those behaviours with him into any new relationships, because he has not learned the dynamics of such situations, he has not been HERE, learning to be a better person, and he never received any counselling.....because in his opinion HE isn't the problem.

He has not learned to be strong, because he went from me straight to her, he has been overseas not SEEING what he has done to the children, and he has been living in LALA Land. He has not had to face one single consequence of his actions until now. And because I have had to do all that, I am stronger, more confident, more directed and happier than he could imagine. I shocked the pants off him. Little Jacky finally did NOT let him have his way just because he stamped his foot.

And why?

KIDS!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

They are my babies and need their Mother Bear to do the right thing by them. He really pushed to WRONG button this time.

Sheesh, I am growing FUR.......wait till I get the claws!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love and furry bearhugs,

Jacky

<small>[ July 04, 2002, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Nina too:

I just wanted to jump in and add my support!!

YOU GO MAMA BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are in Plan B. You have an attorney. You DO NOT have to take his calls OR talk to him at all! Let the attorneys fight this all out. You only have to talk to YOUR attorney about all this. Stick to that, and then he won't be able to "brow-beat" you, or intimidate you in any way.

Keep your peace. I have followed your posts for awhile, and I can "hear" how strong you are. You are doing fine, and he can't stand it!! (Doncha just LOOOOOVE that?!?!?!?)

God Bless.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the advice lupolady!!!!!

Yep, I will direct him to the lawyers...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

One time he asked me to do something for him, and I refused, saying that things were different now. You should have seen the shocked look on his face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Kinda like that emoticon there.

I would love to be a fly on the wall over there right now.

Hi Jacky,

I've been following your thread and say GO GIRL!
Sounds like you're doing all the right things. You have every right to stand up for yourself and the kids.
Keep up the good work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A little update.

I just heard back from my lawyer regarding his wanting more custody. She says ...in lawyer-type terms that he has just put his foot in it regarding this, as the message clearly shows that he only wants more time because he is trying to reduce the amount of money he has to give to me.

I knew this...just liked having it confirmed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Love and light,

Jacky

<small>[ July 07, 2002, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>