My H and I have been separated for 7+ months after the revelation of a 13-year affair. We continue in counseling. He's ready for total reconciliation - desires sexual relationship. I'm not convinced he has realistically dealth with the causes of his infidelity. I'm also afraid of the memories and questions about H and OW I'll have to deal with. I think we need much more practice to develop solid new patterns of relationship - especially as taught by Dr. Harvey. Advice?? Opinions??<P>------------------<BR>indianprincess

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by castle:<BR><B>I'm not convinced he has realistically dealth with the causes of his infidelity. I'm also afraid of the memories and questions about H and OW I'll have to deal with.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Can you be more specific about your fears on the above?<P>Has he TOTALLY broken it off from the OW? For how long?<P>Do you think you can forgive him and rebuild your love?<P>If you are in counseling for 7 months, obviously you want to reconcile. I think that if he has broken it totally off to your satisfaction, at some point you have to either break off the counseling or lay down a path to returning together as husband and wife. It seems only fair to both of you, don't you think?<P>List your current objections and set specific goals and actions.<P><BR>

My H has broken off the relationship entirely with the OW. I believe him to be trustworthy on this point - and it has been since January at least. My concern is that old patterns of relating die hard and although we are beginning to develop new, more honest patterns - to my mind they have not been tested enough. They have been defined but only tested preliminarily.<BR> I do believe you are right about having a course of action toward full reconciliation but I have such deep reservations that I seem to be demanding PROOF of an extensive sort. My husband is not happy with this but if I don't have desires or feelings for him, this MUST change before coming together again. I think that as my trust in him to protect me and to create a "WE" grows, the physical aspects of our relationship will change. He is much more anxious about this than I am - but even he acknowledges that I am the one with a lot more hurt to deal with.<BR> Any other questions?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by castle:<BR><B>My concern is that old patterns of relating die hard and although we are beginning to develop new, more honest patterns - to my mind they have not been tested enough. I do believe you are right about having a course of action toward full reconciliation but I have such deep reservations that I seem to be demanding PROOF of an extensive sort. Any other questions?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, is your plan to eventually have sex and then later move back in together? Or to move back in together and then later have sex?<P>I would say that the latter would be an sensible intermediate move...he would see progress, and you could put your proofs to the test on a daily basis.<P>Speaking from the male viewpoint, I would caution against the possibility of him throwing up his hands and giving up. If that is something you could accept, then so be it.<P>From your viewpoint....well, I would think that the resumption of intimacy could be an important healing step, if this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life.<P>

Your suggestion of an intermediate step of moving back in without sex at this time - is a new one for me. I hadn't thought of it - I'll give it some thought. I was thinking the two would happen simultaneously.<P>Thanks for your continued input - had company here so I was kept away from checking replies for a time. <P>The challenge about spending the rest of my life with "this man" is a good one - I am concerned about honoring my original marriage vows before God and man with "this man" - but his infidelity has given me a choice and I am still considering it.<P>Hope to hear from you again.