I've been on MB before trying to save a failing marriage. Here is my story - I had a PA 4 years ago while my H was overseas in the military. Triggered by depression & a lack of emotional support from my H. He came home & I was not the most happy person, depressed, etc, he tried for a while to find out what was wrong until he discovered my PA.

He went into a tailspin & 2 years ago, began to have multiple PA's. I found out about OW #1, went into a deep depression thinking my PA was the root of all of this. It took me 6 months to get out of that depression, during my depression, H met OW#2. After OW #2, I wanted to throw him out. But he begged & he stayed. Things were good for a while. I felt we were going to make it thru. During that time last year, I had a miscarriage & it seemed as if that grief was going to bring us even closer than what we were. But H got 'bored' and started an internet affair, but it got twisted & the internet person moved to town. I found out in December after snooping thru his e-mails. His behavior had changed & I was sure I knew why - unfortunately I was right.

I told him I wanted him out & needed to make sure that this marriage was what I wanted. H promised the moon & the stars - he'd go to counseling, he do better. So we played it by ear, during a phase that was moving towards a reconcilliation, I found out that I was pregnant. Now, 4 months later, nothing has happened other that my H's financial irresponsibility becoming my headaches.

I spoke with H again and judging from his responses, he simply wants to come home - but to one without me being depressed. I can certainly understand how this is taxing to him, but I can't promise to having nothing but good days. And with this baby on the way, I certainly don't want to subject her to a mother who can't care for her because she is worried about a H who isn't holding up his part of the bargin.

As much as I love my H, he simply won't put any energy into meeting my emotional needs. Granted he was laid off earlier this year & is searching for another job in addition to his part time job, he has told me repeatedly, that what I need from him right now isn't a priority since "he needs to eat". After 3 months of this, I am tired & I can't possibly financially handle a new baby & his debt. The only thing available to me is to file for legal separation or divorce. I am meeting with an attorney on Friday to go over this, and deep down I know that divorce is probably the best option.

I am very thankful that my job allows me the financial security to provide for this little life, but I that I have to choose her well being over the finacial ills of my H. If I try to cover his debts (late car payments & a $4000 debt from nearly 3 years ago) there is no way I can effectively have enough money saved to cover about 2 weeks worth of lost pay while I'm out on maternity leave.

So, here I find myself asking for advice from those of you currently going thru the same situation & your support.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Vee

I'm sorry, but if your primary motivation for getting the divorce is financial, you may well be disappointed - especially if your husband contests the divorce.

Between legal fees and the likelihood that you will be assigned responsibility for at least some of the debt you consider to be your husband's, I suspect that you will find yourself in worse financial shape.

On top of that, you seem to be suggesting that your depression is caused by your worry "about a H who isn't holding up his part of the bargin." But I doubt very much that divorce will help you with your depression. Depression can certainly be triggered by circumstances, but to find the underlying cause you need to look within.

I've been there.

To be honest - financial reasons aren't the only reason I want out. I can't trust my H. And I honestly don't feel like I can ever trust him again. My H won't contest the divorce - I can be pretty sure of that. He doesn't have any funds to do so. But I simply know it's not fair to me to assume responsibility for his irresponsibility.

As for my depression, I can tell you that I know I'll be depressed even after the baby is born because I'm lonely. A lot of that was what caused my depression while my H was away. I recently noticed that my bouts with depression have a significant beginning triggered by a lack of emotional connection. Right now, I look in the mirror & I no longer see the person I used to be. I just don't know that staying with my H will ever provide me with a level of comfort that I 1) will feel loved unconditionally, and 2) that somehow the both of us can weather thru life's problems together.

I can't force my H to meet my emotional needs, so why should I stay? Whenever *I* have needed him most, he has been unable to fulfill those needs. Yet, he has told me that *he* "needs a hand up". To be honest - I have given him my hand to pull him up so many times, that my back is broken. When I need his shoulder to cry on or reassurance, he has spent it with not one but 3 different women. I just can't help but to think is this not fair to me.

Vee,
GnomeDeplume gave you some good advice.
I would also seek a "IC" for your depression.
Your financial woes will most definitely escalate if you file for "D". It will not cure your financial situation.
There are Consumer Credit Counseling services out there as well. Make an appointment with one of them and see if they can't get your debts put in order for you.
I wouldn't give up on your marriage quite yet.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Vee,

You don't know this name, but you posted to me several times when I was under my old name. I'm so sorry to hear about this. You had been gone for so long, I figured that things were going well.

What are the possiblities of doing the EN questionaires? I can't remember how much you did or didn't do way back when. Like Gnome said, divorce will create more financial stress. If you're depressed, try to get treatment for it. Then maybe try to get to counseling with your H, or, if not, by yourself.

Good luck, I hope things improve.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Vee:
<strong>To be honest - financial reasons aren't the only reason I want out. I can't trust my H. And I honestly don't feel like I can ever trust him again. My H won't contest the divorce - I can be pretty sure of that. He doesn't have any funds to do so. But I simply know it's not fair to me to assume responsibility for his irresponsibility.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not fair? Of course not. But fairness has no meaning in the court system. If you go to the courts expecting fairness or justice, you will be disappointed.

I'm not going to tell you that divorcing your husband would be wrong, Vee. I don't know enough to make that judgment even if I were inclined to do so. But I still do not see how it is going to help you at this time.

OK, so you can't trust your husband, and maybe you will never be able to completely trust him again. I can understand that, since I'm skeptical that anyone who has been either the perpetrator or the victim of a serious betrayal can ever blindly trust anyone again.

But trust doesn't have to be blind, and if your husband is willing to take the necessary steps, he can go a long way toward restoring your trust in him - if you are open to trusting again.

If you decide to protect yourself, if you decide that you will never again put yourself in a position where trust can be abused, you may indeed save yourself a lot of hurt. But you will also be lonely.

I am not saying that you should trust your husband, or that he is trustworthy; but I am saying that there may be a price for closing yourself off from the possibility of trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>As for my depression, I can tell you that I know I'll be depressed even after the baby is born because I'm lonely. A lot of that was what caused my depression while my H was away. I recently noticed that my bouts with depression have a significant beginning triggered by a lack of emotional connection. Right now, I look in the mirror & I no longer see the person I used to be. I just don't know that staying with my H will ever provide me with a level of comfort that I 1) will feel loved unconditionally, and 2) that somehow the both of us can weather thru life's problems together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm still trying to figure out how you think your situation will be improved by divorce.

Believe me, I know how lack of emotional connection can trigger bouts of depression. I've been there. But I say again that lack of emotional connection does not cause depression.

I should also point out that making life-altering decisions while in the grip of depression often leads to regret. I think your first order of business should be to deal with your depression.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I can't force my H to meet my emotional needs, so why should I stay? Whenever *I* have needed him most, he has been unable to fulfill those needs. Yet, he has told me that *he* "needs a hand up". To be honest - I have given him my hand to pull him up so many times, that my back is broken. When I need his shoulder to cry on or reassurance, he has spent it with not one but 3 different women. I just can't help but to think is this not fair to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you both need more than you can give right now. All that means is that both of you should stop trying to lean on each other so much and find other sources of support.

I could easily be wrong, given the paucity of data available to me, but it seems to me that the logical next step would be for your husband to move back in with you to reduce the financial stresses on both of you, and for each of you to establish more reasonable expectations of each other. (That will almost certainly require the help of a counselor.)