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Do any of you remember when my stbx used to call me with a total lack of emotion in his voice? I used to call him Mr Monotone, or Mr Deadpan.... For a while there if I HAD to listen to his voice it sounded somewhat normal again, but more in a "Yes, we are divorcing, and isn't it nice we can be so civil" kinda tone. This happened immediately after he let me know he was living with OW and bringing her here for Christmas, and I didn't hit the roof (well really, I had known that stuff for a while, so I was ready for it). Well, if you have read my other thread, you will know that the settlement proposition hit his desk a few days ago, and he left a message about it on my machine...and he got a 'little' bit angry at the end of it. The next night he tried to call the kids, once again we weren't home and he sounded a little miffed at that. He didn't mention the settlement. Tonight I was out visiting my parents, and when I returned there was a message on the machine yet again. And WHERE did MR Monotone go??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> He said "OBVIOUSLY you are not there, but for SOME reason (big pause) I don't know what it IS...LOOK, just get the kids to give me a call..." I didn't realise I still had to tell him when I was going out!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Read that big pause carefully...I think he was going to accuse me of deliberately NOT being home so he couldn't talk to the kids. I wrote back to him saying "We have not been home when you called. That was unfortunate, but the time you have called the last three days is a full two hours earlier than usual. We are often out at that time of the day (4pm-ish). It is 6.10pm here as I write. You can call now, the kids would like it. We are usually home at this time and after. I did try asking you long ago for a set time to call the kids, so as I could make sure they would be here, remember? (he never replied <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) I am sorry you are annoyed, but we do have things to do (translation: I have a LIFE now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), and I will be glad to accommodate you with a suitable time to call, especially if you can let me know in advance." (Did I do good?) No reply to the email, but he called them about five minutes later. So I am STILL his scapegoat, STILL the cause of all the world's wrongs in his eyes, but the interesting thing with all of this is that it has NOTHING to do with phone calls. He is peeved at me (to say the least) for going to the lawyer and getting good advice, which has effectively made him face the consequences of his actions. So anyway, just sharing the latest in my little saga.... Love and light, Jacky
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Uuuuups, sorry double post
D
<small>[ July 05, 2002, 08:39 AM: Message edited by: betrayed and desperate ]</small>
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Dear Jacky,
I am glad to hear that you are much smarter than me about the settlment. Go on, be hard!
And let him see you all have a life, you do not stay and wait for his "mercy" to call.
You are giving me hope I'll be like that some day.
BTW I go almost in your shoes concerning health, 3yrs of stress reached the goal: I have to go to a bit easier surgery than you , in Sept (conisatio-CA cervicis)-hope it is still in time.
My ex showed some "official" sympathy and was concerned only about money (cause if I decide to go and to that in neighbour state I'll have to pay, cause I have no money he'll have to give it...
But to see the light, that friend of mine (R) if you remember, calls once a week while is in Mediteran area and 3 months are passed, so less then 3 months and....maybe something will happen (I hope). Let's imagine he wouldn't call if he doesn't care????
So, stay on your way don't let himhurt you any more.
Love to you-hope you are completely recovered from surgery????Maybe you even forgot it????
One more: YD decided to live with dad, new wife and baby brother. Can you imagine what that mean to me?
D
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GOOD JOB!!! I read some of your earlier posts and although I am sorry things didn't work out I am SO, SO happy that you are in control!! He made his choice-Time for him to pay the piper!
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b&d - HI! I noticed you posted somewhere else today, and I was pleased to see you have not disappeared. I am sorry for your surgery...I pray it goes well for you. I have recovered so well now that I took the kids to the snow last week. I didn't ski, but I would have on our last day if the weather had not turned bad. So I am really on top of things now, and I hope it will soon be the same for you. As for your friend, yes, calling surely means he cares...let's hope it all works out for you. New Jersey, thanks for your vote of support! I was talking to a guy friend of mine tonight and he said the reason stbx is angry is because he can't control me anymore, and also his pride has been hurt....er...LMAO!!! He did go on to say, "Well now he feels like he made YOU feel, and he deserves it!" I am not in this to ruin him...as I said somewhere else the amount I anm going for I am fully entitled to by law here in Australia. My goal is to provide adequately for the children. I am not in it for revenge, but gee if his ego gets a little bruised along the way, well tough. He stomped on mine for so long it probably IS deserved. Karma and all that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Love and light, Jacky
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Way to go, Jacky.
Sometimes I think it still annoys x that he can't control me. But I think that was a lot of what the divorce was about.
Take care of yourself and the children. And I'm glad to hear you have recovered so well.
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Jacky, You did great!!! Keep it about whats going on and don't let him control you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's sad..but sometimes there are those moments when you know they are reaping the consquences of their actions for a change..and you hurt for them..a little bit..but have a BIG HUGE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> on the inside with that little snicker going on..YES!! It's about time you get to feel this..where it hurts YOU the most..in your pocket..but you still wonder..why they feel that money is so much more important than their kids..and their family... eh..maybe one day they will realize money isn't that important..
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Jacky-
It's in the rules, did you miss that part? Even though he is halfway around the world from you and quite involved in his new life....
If you leave the house you need to ask his permission and leave specifics about where you will be, who you will be with, who will be driving, how much money you will be spending, what you will be spending it on, and if any of this happens to change during the outing you will notify him within 30 mins of your return.
If you will be spending longer than 3 minutes in the bathroom you need to email with the specifics of the visit, and if you decide to take a bath instead of showering there is a form to fill out that requires 3 signature approval - please submit 24 hours in advance of planned bath.
If you have for some insane reason (because every reason we give is insane) decided to take the children on a vacation there are several forms to fill out for approval. Then there is the polygraph test, the urine test, and the call the ex will make to your parents to verify the information you have given just to embarass and degrade you.
My Dad's a lawyer, let me know if you need any more of the rules explained.
E
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LOL E..
Wonder what they would do if we actually did that..
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They would probably for once be happy with us!
E
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny E!!! TR you are right, there is a little smilie gremlin in there because I got a REACTION from stbx. Can't seem to help that...human nature I guess. Cinderella, thank you for always looking in on my posts. I will try to get back to the kingdom soon. I have a big hurdle to get over tomorrow (one year separated) and that means I or he can now file for divorce. I will be trying to beat him to it. It really IS a game sometimes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . But, I am wanting to send him a clear message about things by filing now. It seems odd to be here on this site, a MARRIAGE BUILDING site, and be happily telling everyone I am filing. But, if not for this site, I would never have come so far, grown so much, become so strong, and I would not have been able to assess my marriage without rose-coloured glasses. I had a really honest look, and I found it wanting. And I know I am worth more than that. Can there be a combination of Helen Reddy and Mother Bear? LOL! Love and light, Jacky
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I don't think it's necessarily odd that you've come to this point on the MB site.
You learned what you need to do to have a really good marriage, but it takes two, and while you've changed and grown, the relationship would never work unless STBX changed and grew too - which he is not doing per your latest post, so basically it's his loss.
And who's to say that you won't be able to use those MB skills in another relationship in the future?
I also think that what we've learned here will not only help us, but help our children, so that they don't have the same relationship problems that we did. Hopefully we're breaking the cycle.
Stay strong, and enjoy your successes! K
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Hi Jacky/Nina too,
You did great! I have a husband with a monotone voice too, our son and I are always asking him "What?" and he also says things like "we need to be civil to each other" and "it is what it is" like some kind of a robot.
But when something affects the robots where they care, they CAN change inflection.
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Hi Belle, Yep, my robot definetly had a short circuit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And blew a fuse! And somehow seems to have had his memory chip erased! And is starting to sound like he needs oil! Oh well, he was getting a little rusty anyway...time for the junk heap!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Isn't it interesting how we the betrayed still have an ounce of concern for the karma the betrayer is experiencing? And isn't it interesting that the betrayer never gave a thought about how his actions would affect us in the long run? They say the betrayers never want us to find out and thrill of the A is in the deceit, but they never have foresight that their little world of lies might come back to haunt them. And isn't it interesting, how they come back and throw all the garbage back at us? It's misdirected anger from the get-go. They are so used to using us as the cause for their misbehavior that when they are discovered, it would be natural for them to continue blaming us. I wonder how long it takes for them to get a clue ... I haven't the time to spend on that question, just as much as they never had the time to spend on working within a marriage. Hasta la vista, baby.
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Exactly my point Palms! There is no thought by the WS for the BS and how it will affect the lives of everyone involved, because they have tunnel vision, by which they can only see the greener grass straight ahead, and not the peripheral problems on the sidelines. And when one of those sideline issues 'infringes' on their imaginary Utopia, they cannot believe it because they did not even bother to TRY to look at the consequences. I do feel sorta sorry for the man. He (with my help for all those years) has worked hard to get together a good nest-egg. And now 65% will disappear from his funds. Of course he is angry about this, but, well, he took us on as his responsibility years ago, and now, just because he doesn't want us anymore, he feels it is UNFAIR of me to expect him to pay up. Well, the real world does not work that way. The interseting thing about this is that I am SURE that he thought I was going to be generous in the settlement, and let him have whatever he wanted, and I believe he got this impression because I had done such a good Plan A, hardly LB'ing, being the best I could be. He saw me as being very reasonable about it all. And I still AM being reasonable. I could fight him and get a whole lot more if I wanted to, but I am only asking for what I am entitled to BY LAW. But because this means a huge deficit to him, I am suddenly playing dirty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I am amazed at this intelligent man and his complete lack of foresight regarding this. I am also miffed that he would expect me to buckle under his pressure now...that is just another indication that he thinks I am stupid. Oh well....I guess he now knows I am smarter than he ever thought I was. Thanks for replies, and for listening to me rave on! Love and light, Jacky
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