I've been excited since lastnight YD called after no contact of 1 month. This was tough to handle because I love her so much she's 16 3/4 almost 17...Its been a oneway conversation for a 1 1/2 years due to effect WW is having on both D's oldest D is 18....This was hard because I had to take a tough love approach on YD and OD and stop communication...

She asked why come I haven't called and I said I didn't think you wanted to talk, she said she does want to talk...I kinda kept a little quite to let started talking then I exploded with conversation

I think as OD see's YD getting the attention and gifts, she may respond also.

Anyway YD was excited to talk and she was starting most of the conversation. She said she tried to call me 2 days ago but my line was busy. Even before she got off the phone she said she was going to call me this weekend [unbelievable!!] I never got a Fathers Day call

Before she got off the phone she said she would consider coming for a few weeks before school starts again....Boy if that happens she'll go back a different person because their where she's at is dead, boring and ecomomically sluggish area...She's trying to find a summer job but can't and I know people here where I am is begging for workers. I praying I can have an impact on her and pull from the low-self esteem environment of XW's affairs...

Anyway that was the bang of my 4TH July she called, nobody knows the feeling of being a family man and have everything snatched from up under you your W,kids,things and OM controlling your W, until you been their.

I've been there... it's hell!

Congratulations on the great news of a child coming around... slowly... but surely!

Parents who care and pray...
...will have some reward coming to them!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Just seeing the title of your post brought tears to my eyes. I know how hard this has been for you. You have suffered so much and your heart has been broken. It is bad enough to lose your wife, but when you feel that you have lost your children I can only imagine the pain. I have experienced the pain of miscarriage. I can't even describe the tremendous loss I felt. With your situation these children were not just little parts of you like my experience, but they were full of love and memories and hopes and dreams......

Now YD has not only reached out to you, but she has expressed an interest in an ongoing relationship - a possible visit, another call soon, and she clearly stated she does want to talk to you. I am so happy for you. I have a feeling this is the start of things getting back to where they should be, and OD should be soon to follow. I am thrilled, my heart is full of joy, I think all the fireworks this weekend are dedicated to you and your triumph!

Now, here is where I come in with my words of advice on the situation. Although I am thrilled for you, I want to make sure that nothing happens to make this go sour. I'm not raining on your parade, you know that I always am behind you and praying for you. So here we go with the words of wisdom, experience, or crapola - or a little of all three.

Forget about that no Father's Day call thing toot sweet, it's in the past. Nothing will ever be gained by remembering that or ever bringing that one up. It's way over. Done. Stick a fork in it. Wait for next year and start fresh from there.

My Sis and Mom went thru a rough patch during her teen years. We are 3 peas in a pod now, and it is wonderful. Every once in a while though Mom will say something about how Sis hurt her during that time - how she didn't show up for Mother's Day brunch, and all it does is hurt Sis. Mom doesn't mean to hurt Sis, but she does. So, as far as mentioning missing YD during the time you were for the most part incommunicado that is fine as long as you don't dwell on it or make an issue of it. You can update her on what you've been up to that she might be interested in, but don't do anything that might make her feel even close to guilty for not being responsive to you.

No pressure. Don't be standoffish (is that a word?) but don't smother her either. Remember that teens have that whole privacy thing, and that adults are inherently evil, and let her lead the way.

Keep the lines of communication open. Try not to ever say anything about HER MOTHER. The regular stuff like did you guys have a good time out to dinner with Mom? is fine. But, saying anything about how you feel as if Mom has damaged your self esteem or that Mom has made it difficult for you to communicate with her and OD.... BAD NEWS Keep away from the Mother at all costs. She is their Mother and always will be their Mother and the fastest way to alienate a child is to make any kind of comment that can be considered somewhat derogatory toward their mother. I know that you realize this, I am just making sure you realize the huge importance of it.

Now, you mentioned attention and gifts. I'm feeling kind of leary about sending YD gifts and slathering attention on her like suntan lotion and ignoring OD. This is not like Plan B with a WS. These are your babies. They may be almost grown, but they will always be your babies. You are trying to get their attention, not pi$$ them off, or start some kind of Daddy loves me more competition. I'm sure you have something in mind here, but I'm just not getting it.

You want OD to come back to your waiting arms, but do you want her to come back for your fatherly love and affection or do you want her to come back for a Wal Mart gift certificate? I'm really not trying to be harsh here hon, it is just the way this is hitting me. You know me, I tell you always what I think, and this is what I am thinking right now.

If you want to send a care package to the girls - both of them, then go right ahead. Send them both a $25 certificate to Target and both a sweatshirt from the local University or the local sports team. If YD comes to visit, by all means take her out to the mall and get her some school clothes and treat her to a hair cut and manicure at the salon. This way there would be no favoritisim because OD would not be there for equal treatment. See what I mean? You could make a day of it, and then buy her a fancy outfit for a date with Dad, make reservations for dinner.... a really special evening.

Dad and I have had quite a few really special times where we got to go out like that. Those were the best dates I have ever had.

OK, I think I'm about all typed out for now. My fingers are locked and cramped. If I think of anything else I will return.

Toss me an email will you - I seem to have lost yours.

E

Thanks NSR, its been a tough road....Hope things are going better for you....

Hey Liz, you did it again...you always put me in the right direction. You are right about OD my could cause more division...I was trying to let her see that because YD talks to Dad she gets what she ask for....OD will not call unless she needs money but even then she has a Bad Attitude and everything falls apart on the phone.....

You are right about keeping quite about XW and not making any Negative comments. I purposly didn't bring her up in our conversation.

I'm going to take your advice and go buy them both a care package this weekend, gift certificate, I've been wanting to do it but I had to wait..nick knacks and college stuff is a great idea....

There phone is disconnected YD called me from XW's cell phone [of course xw blocked the number when dialed but thats fine] I'd be scare to call anyway....

Thanks for all your advice you caused tears to come in my eyes.....I'll keep you posted...

Hey, awesome idea- why not include one of those pre-paid calling cards in the care package. Those little buggers are awesome. They are the cheapest at the check out lanes at WalMart and Target, and you can get them like um... 120 mins for $25 or something like that. Then the kids can toss them in their purse and call you whenever, from any phone, and they don't have to depend on using Mom's cell and can just use a pay phone at McDonalds if they want. They will get no stress from Mom for calling you, and she won't even know, this will make it easier on them to contact you if she is being a crab about it.

The stuff you send doesn't have to be expensive. Just let them know you are thinking about them. A couple $2 nail polishes, a bath poofie for each of the girls, the phone cards, just some stuff.....

E

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong>why not include one of those pre-paid calling cards in the care package. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXCELLENT advice on the calling card!!!

Hey, EC, I just wanted to throw a little cold water on your exuberance....sorry!

Remember, WW MAY know about the impending repo on her car...........hmmmmm, wonder if she's "using" YD to contact you to try to fix this?

Sorry, don't want stop you in the middle of doing the Happy Dance about D, but just "wondering........"

Yikes, Lopolady! That was my first thought.

EC,
I went through a very similiar situation with my STBXW and three kids sometime ago.
I had not seen nor heard from them in over 3 months... STBXW likes to play that hand a lot.
Long story short, she tried to turn my kids againsts me, saw them only when I coughed up money to STBXW to see kids, she filed "D" papers on me then... it's the flip side now... I filed on her.
When I first saw my children, I cried so hard. It was almost 4 months since I had talked to them or seen them. We all cried.
Jump ahead 7 yrs... I have the kids now. STBXW is still her usual WW, and the kids over the years have seen her with their own eyes for what she truly is. You couldn't get them to go with her for "all the tea in China". Without my kids I would be destroyed.
Try to keep your lines of communication with your children open at all costs. You will thank yourself for it in the end.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ July 08, 2002, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>