I got a call from the finance company of my XW's car, they said she is 3 months behind [I didn't have a clue] she always gave me the impression she had it all together, told me she pays her bills now that she's away from me, always on time, uses her accounting skills well now, her and business partners are doing wonderful grapic design projects..

Anyway they said they are going to pick it up in a matter of 72 hours. Xw's phone is disconnected, she has a cell phone but she will not give me the number and I don't ask either, if she ever calls she blocks the number anyway.

She no longer works at her previous work place of 5 years as of 3 weeks ago.....I really don't know if she works at all or has a better job???

Well they were asking me questions of her where abouts and status, I felt bad because I really don't know, I'm sure they thought I was trying to hide her, but I said....Yes she still lives in same place, thats all I know based on what YD told me 2 days ago, but even thats a guess through YD conversation....

I asked them if they sent her a letter stating she was in danger of Repo and they said yes.....They also said she still has time to make some type of arrangement before Repo time in 72 hours.......Problem is my name is on the Loan as co-signer, she drives the car, she agreed in the marital settlement to take the car and loan, I'm 1,200 miles away...

Should I call her family such as her Brother, Aunts, etc.... they know how to reach her faster than I do...Her Dads phone blocks outside calls..

Sure I could say goodie, goodie, thats what she gets since OM invaded my home and drives XW's car that has my name on it even while we were still married in same house and turn my back on her on this issue.......but the Repo will go on my credit report...and also I'm concerned about my Kids be stranded....

I'm sure this will be a embarrassing blow to her but this is what she wanted.

Anyway your advice is welcome.....

EC -

I think that you already know the right answer to this one.

You have to let your XW make her own mistakes otherwise she'll never have the chance to grown and change into a better person.

She needs to face the consequences of her actions.

Remember that they say that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they will look up and ask for God to help.

I know it's really really hard to see someone that you love going through this, but it's the same thing that you'd do with kids - sometimes you have to let them learn from their mistakes.

You know that God loves her and wants what is best for her - even more than you do. So I would just ask God to be with her right now and that His Will be done.

Of course you do need to protect yourself financially, so if you had teh money and wanted to pay off the car yourself, then you could do it because your name is on the loan - or you could just have it be repossessed.

Maybe not the answer you wanted to hear, but that's just my take on the situation. K

<small>[ July 06, 2002, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

EC,

there is a difference between letting her be responsible for herself, and having an attitude about rubbing it her face.

personally, if you want to be seen by your kids as a responnsible person, and a grown up who doesn't take responsibility for what is not his, then you let the car be reposessed, and you talk with the leasing company about making yourself whole. . . .

also, so what that you have a default on your credit rating unless you plan to do alot of leasing and financing. you have the decree, the XW did not follow court orders. If i were the leasing company I would ding you for taking care of your XW before you took care of yourself.

the proper answer is to let the world see how her words do not add up to her actions. . . to let the world punish her for shooting her mouth off, . . to let your kids see that her words are full of hot air, and that you indeed were a responsible person. . .

for some reason, you are afraid to let people see you as you are wihtout the influence of your XW. I don't understand why. . . I judge you poorly for taking responsbility for what isn't yours, and then apply that to say, if i were to rely on you, then I would question that step. . . . remember, if you can't take care of yourself first, you ca't take care of someone else. . . and if you are taking care of someone else, you aren't doing a good job of taking care of yourself. . . .

is that the lesson you want to teach your kids?

there is a great section on the fallacy of everlasting compassion in the book "On the Road less Travelled" and how EC will run you into the ground and give you a very unfulfilled life because you treat everyone else like a child, instead of an adult. . .and when you do, you get a childlike relationship. . . which I don't think you have enjoyed with your XW.

my suggestion, is as above, adn then read the book.

wiftty

Thanks GC......I do need to step back and let her take responsibility... I can remember several times through many affairs she would say " Let me handle this " She would also say after being busted " You always interfer when God is dealing with me to stop" he don't need you to tell me to stop the affairs, he'll do it himself?????

Anyway, to face the actions of what Adultery does destroy lives, finances, self,etc.. I guess she needs to reap what she sowed and face the consequences..I haven't communicated with her in about a month now....so I don't know All what is happening on her end......

I can remember several times saying " you need to let whatever going to happen , happen and let me deal with it" If I doing something wrong then I just have to face it....

Then she would say " you can't always stop a drug addict, they just have to hit bottom and face where they are".......

So I guess she's on her way down........

*************************
To wiftty, I'm not trying to protect her, trying to protect an already damaged issue concerning my Kids and my credit file....

As I say to you again you don't know my history but several here do that can relate, therefore some of your comments are off base and don't apply, some good ,some not, I'll eat the meat spit out the bones...

My Kids are teenagers they already know I'm responsible, problem right now is, everytime something financially happens in there house XW has brainwashed them that, " This is happening because of your Dad" He's not being financially responsible!, now this has been going on since Mar 2001.......They think its all my fault financially of what they are going through when it has nothing to do with me...XW was buying OM men clothes, spending money, going out on dates, while we were still married in counseling....

I'm sure she still does the same thing this day...

Currently what I know is their Phone is off
Car about to be reposessed...
Other utilities might be ready to be shutoff??
She may have been fired or found better job? I don't know..

She was making a $4x,000 + her business projects on the side + my $800 a month CS....

She's rolling in enough money but its though if the wind is upon the money blowing through her hands...but she tell's the Kids, Its all because of your Dad we are having these problems....Thats my concern more than anything....These things bring about a false guilt...when you were once a family man that cherished his family....

Their was a person on this board that growing up their planted in their mind that the Father I always owed her money through CS [which wasn't true] therefore this person always thought her dad was a bad person because of that until they got older and found out it was all a lie.....

I'm trying to rebuild a damaged relationship with my 2 D's....I'm sure if car is reposessed, this will be blamed on me somehow through their eyes....They're innocent in all this...

EC,

You quote Hosea in your sig line, yet you talk as though you don't believe it!

I'm with GodisinControl on this. LET her own actions catch up with her. God IS in control!! HE knows what she needs/has/will get.

As far as your relationship with your children? DO YOU NOT BELIEVE ALL of the Bible!??!?!

Can't God restore that relationship as well as your marital one? Ponder that awhile.

I'm praying for you, brother.
God Bless

Gimme a little while and check your email. It will be long and boring. No meat, no bones, no bible, probably questions better left off the board.

It's 10pm and I still have one kid who has put toothpicks in her eyes to stay awake, if I can't wrench them out it will be tomorrow in the am.

E

you need to ask you Lawyer or call the loan company the car is with to ask what to do if she doesnt come up with the payment & they take the car. the company will come after the other person on the loan. We have had friends who were going to be sued because the x spouse didnt pay the payments. they had to file bankruptcy. this was in al. and fl. both were on homes in both names, the D papers dont help. it may be different in your state.

EC,

She may need to feel the consequences of her actions, HOWEVER, it is you who will have the credit record right there along with her. Hind sight being 20/20, the divorce decree should have forced her to refinance the car under her own name.

You will have to pay up because if the car is repoed, they will come after you, and you will have the past due balances PLUS the repo fees, plus the damage to your credit. That's why the finance company notified you.

Talk to the lawyer about how to resolve the issue, perhaps seizing the car from her by legal means, until she pays up.

I speak from semi-personal experience. My BIL co-signed with his dead-beat FIL on a truck. It's been 7 years and he still doesn't have his credit salvaged from the damage caused.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My Kids are teenagers they already know I'm responsible, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EC then says the opposite

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They think its all my fault financially of what they are going through when it has nothing to do with me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EC, your statements are not congruent. . . .

if the kids know you are responsible, then there isn't a problem with you or them . . .

if the kids are getting brainwashed, then there is a problem with the XW and the children seeing you as you are. . . .

i'm confused on the reality. . . either the kids see you as responsible or they see you as financially irresponsible. .

which is it?

the reason i am not dainty in conversations with you is that you don't have a single, solid print out of your situation. . . you often have contradictions and you want to dismiss viewpoints that differ from those which you find self validating. . .

specifically, in the book, "The Road Less Travelled," page 111-116 Self sacrifice

he had to learn that not giving at the right time was more compassionate than giving at the wrong time, and that fostering independence was more loving that taking care of poeple who could otherwise take care of themselves. . . . gradually coming to realize how he infantilized his family, he began to make changes. . . in making these changes he had to risk appearing to be the bad guy and had to give up the omnipotence of his former role as the provider for all the needs of his family. . . But even though his behavior had been motivated primarily by a need to maintain an image of himself as a loving person, he had at his core a capacity for genuine change. . . Both his wife and his sons reacted to these changes initially with anger. . .. . after awhile, the independent changes occurred within his wife and sons . . . The man found himself becoming more effective as a minister and at the same time his life becoame more enjoyable. . .

The minister's misguided love bordered on the more serious perversion of love that is masochism. . .

EC, this is from an expert, not me, I think you need to pick up the book and read it. . . for me, I am just making a parallel between your situation and this one, which is very abbreviated. . .

good luck

wiftty

To wifty, thanks for the info, yes, I have been a sacrificer, but thats part of the healing process, I'm in and been practicing since June -2000

But I prefer you go bash someone else with your harsh negative comments...As I said once again "YOU DON'T KNOW MY STORY!!....This board is not for debaters such as yourself to dig and see if someone is hurting or not...You are not a Judge of me or anyone else out there.....

I don't know your story but seeing how you're firing at me and others...I think you need to examine yourself!!

Based on your comments its ovious that you don't understand the power of peer pressure, Adult [parent] persuasion on teenagers, subtle environments, but "oh thats right you have teenagers??

Go jump in someone elses business and stay out of mine.....

There good people here to give good advice such as, Elizebeth, Thornerose, RWD, Wallace, Davepr,many,many others that don't critize because they know the pain of what its like to be truly wounded.

If I said anything in contradiction previously, so what?? emotions can run high when you been wounded as I have and trying to deal with a painful issue.Everything I ever said has been the truth here. Once again how can you judge if you don't have the facts....you just have a peice of the story....it seems you're the only one complaining out of hundreds of people here, whats up your crawl about it? This board is for the Hurting, go debate somewhere else, I know if I'm hurting or not, you don't. This board has people that make mistakes everyday, thats why you hear the term Love Busting [Isn't that the same as contradiction?]emotions can cause you to say things you didn't intend to..please go learn that. People are allowed to vent here and say whats bothering them, we don't need a critizer as yourself trying diagnose someone when you're the problem causer, ask yourself, why are becoming a problem on this board?/ I see people coming back at you for what you say.....You need realize what happening with yourself.

So as they say, if you don't have anything good to say just don't say nothing at all!! You don't help anyone here with Negativity, go bash and debate with someone else, think before you speak.

From God is in Control:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to let your XW make her own mistakes otherwise she'll never have the chance to grown and change into a better person.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From WhenIfindthetime:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">personally, if you want to be seen by your kids as a responnsible person, and a grown up who doesn't take responsibility for what is not his, then you let the car be reposessed</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess you don't realize that, at the core, the advise you recieved from both of these people is the same. Yet, you thanked GiiC and blasted Wiffty. I guess you only want advice from people who will give you a serious case of the warm-fuzzies.

I think you got solid advice. Many people think both of them are frequently on-the-mark with their observations. I will admit that sometimes any poster might trample on the toes of another in offering advice. And, while I haven't seen it in GiiC, I have seen it in Wiffty - in fact he has trampled mine a few times. But he is often on the money.

I think, and I could be wrong, that maybe you need to get a mirror and take a good look at yourself. I think your comments to Wiffty were way off base - you didn't read the intent of the message. He suggested you might need to go read and do some work on yourself.

It might not be advice that you can use in the next 72 hours but it might be advice that would serve you well for your life.

To Cinderella,

I guess I need correct you as well...I never said Wiftty's information he passed from a book was bad information.....I said thanks

GC and others was good also

The difference -

If you read the post from past and present wiftty he gives information from resources along with his own personal attack and bash on you .....I can accept information from a professional resourse or someone here who has been through what I'm going through but I don't have to accept an Idiot negative comment along with....This Repo issue is something happening almost 2 years later into this...

I'm sure the book is good...I can Identify...A lot of people here have been the " Over Giver/sacrificer" in most Betrayed cases here as Steve H, defines...

Since the seperation and divorce, Its helped me learn to treat myself and to have a greater balance giving and taking...I have seen how you can weaken a person by not letting them take responsibility.

My xw and I were together 21 years, married 18...Of course you're still going to have that feeling to run to the rescue especially since the car has my name on it, it's all in the process of letting go, letting go don't happen over night...

When new issues arise that you never expected you're left with a unexplored decision, left with what do you do in such a case?? thats why I posted for some advice for a quick resolution from experienced or understanding people not bashers...

A lot of people here and not just me....A lot of WS's left H or W they Ws's go hit bottom unexpectly and BS's are lost for what to do in surprising circumstances, do you get involved or stay way,...thats a common every week occurance on this board every issue is different...people circumstances are diff....some BS's are threatened by WS's with if you don't help me i'll commit suicide...*not my case though..

I'm still working on me, I know where I need improvement, I never posted anything on this board that said I arrived,improved from where I was?, yes, and it helped somebody, so as far looking in the mirror I have done that for the past 2 years now. Therefore before you judge me wrongly - if you find the thread by someone titled something like " what was your mistakes in the marriage" I think I posted about 15 things I did wrong, If that ain't a mirror of personal confession then what is?? therefore as I told wiffty and tell you, you don't know all the facts, therefore don't bash me...

Once again "I'm not here for a debate" If you read wiffty's post, he's putting his personal bash along with advice, thats not necessary....

As far as warm-fuzzies - I feel if a person has a love for hurting people or love in there heart at all sure you're going to feel the warm-fuzzie and accept it, thats my kinda people right now[positive loving people]and thats my choice - Cold hearted negative people always turn me off, they have no healing in what they say at all.....

The people here that give good adivce if you notice have experienced what they are saying.....Thats the best ones....

Anyway getting to the purpose of this post letting her car get repo'ed is best for her, the whole issue was "should I call her folks?? the answer is "NO....don't get involved and the other was what if she's tells my kids this is because of Dad car is repo'ed, well I'll just deal with it and my credit report, I have it figured out........ Well she has OM anyway, I'm sure he and her can find a solution he drives the car anyway....If she is not working, its going to go anyway, she may just be buying time by not responding to their letter anyway....who knows? If they sold the car they probably could get most of there money back anyway...

I'm sure I'll find out what takes place soon, thanks everyone for your advice...

A special thanks to Justthewife[liz] my buddy.!!