Hello. Thanks for reading.

I've been separated from my wife for several months. I had an A over a year ago - it was off and on for about a year. I told my wife about it last year. It was quite hard, of course; we tried to fix our relationship some. Things were going alright for a while, but we still had other problems, and the A was probably still hurting us too. In the end, I think I was having trouble focusing on fixing our relationship, so I wasn't really as serious as I should have been.

We have a 3yo son. I love him dearly. I even love my wife in some ways - just not romantically. So, I'm wrought with guilt. I feel awful for who I am and was and it makes it so I don't want to go back. At the same time, although I've been such a jerk for so long, I'm afraid to move forward with divorce either. She's been forgiving; but each time we take a step closer, I end up saying something that sets us back. Sigh. I don't want to send her on a roller coaster.

I guess in some ways, its a classic midlife crisis. I'm just a mess. I don't know when I'll be normal again. I don't want her to be stuck with a confused and indecisive idiot. But I also don't want to go back to her and then have things fail in a year or two years down the line.

I'm tired of this. I want my life to be 'normal' again. Yet I can't see any way for it to be normal no matter what I do. Behind curtain #1, should I go back to her, I will be greeted by having to settle a *lot* of issues, questions about whether the future can even possible work, possibly fail, etc etc. Behind curtain #2, should I file for divorce, I get to start my entire life over.

Neither one is attractive. But I hate being in limbo.

I know nobody can answer the question of what to do except me. I just hate this state of mind, so I'm ending up writing here.

Thoughts and comments very much appreciated.

-dmw

Hello, dmw

First of all, welcome. I see you have not posted much at all in your time here.

Second, really, really search yourself and find out what it is you truly want. Do you wnat to save your M? If you do, YOU CAN!! No one can tell you what you should do regarding that, but you DO have a small child, and your responsibility should be to that child. If it were my decision, it would be easy! I would want my child to grow up in a two-parent home! But that's just me.......

As I said, I see by your profile that you've been a "card-carrying member" of MB for over a year now. WHAT have you been doing in all that time to learn the concepts espoused on these pages?

By that I mean, have you read all the material? Have you ever bought and read any of the books? I recommend that you start there. Read all the concepts. The links are provided at the top of these pages. Buy and read as many of Harley's books as you can afford...SAA, HN/HN, Give and Take.

Finally, implement your plan! If it is a plan to rebuild your M, you can do it with the help found here! You can even counsel with the Harleys a few times, if you're not sure how to proceed. Sitting on the fence is not pleasant, and won't sustain you for long.

I hope and pray you can make the right decision for all parties concerned.

God Bless you.

Thanks, lupolady,

I appreciate the advice. I've read about a half dozen books; been to a few counsellors and tried to resolve in my head what is right. Of course I want what is best for my son.

My question comes down to the future. Does the guilt ever go away if I leave? Does the regret ever go away if I stay? I guess nobody knows.

Limbo sucks.

-dmw

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong>Hello, dmw

First of all, welcome. I see you have not posted much at all in your time here.

Second, really, really search yourself and find out what it is you truly want. Do you wnat to save your M? If you do, YOU CAN!! No one can tell you what you should do regarding that, but you DO have a small child, and your responsibility should be to that child. If it were my decision, it would be easy! I would want my child to grow up in a two-parent home! But that's just me.......

As I said, I see by your profile that you've been a "card-carrying member" of MB for over a year now. WHAT have you been doing in all that time to learn the concepts espoused on these pages?

By that I mean, have you read all the material? Have you ever bought and read any of the books? I recommend that you start there. Read all the concepts. The links are provided at the top of these pages. Buy and read as many of Harley's books as you can afford...SAA, HN/HN, Give and Take.

Finally, implement your plan! If it is a plan to rebuild your M, you can do it with the help found here! You can even counsel with the Harleys a few times, if you're not sure how to proceed. Sitting on the fence is not pleasant, and won't sustain you for long.

I hope and pray you can make the right decision for all parties concerned.

God Bless you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">