I have asked my xw the last several times that my church had something planed for the kids< if it would be ok if i got my son that day so he and I could enjoy the company of the kids in his classes at sunday school. Seems that anytime my church plans anything, it's on the days that the xw has our son. She will not swap any days even if ask her 2 weeks ahead of time.. She has even kept birthday parties of his friend a secret because they are planed when I have him and instead of me taking him to the party she just doesn't say anything. I have been more that nice when it come to her wanting him on days that i have him. I think our sons feeling should come first. Can anyone explain why she does this? Is it a control thing? What can I do so this changes in the future. Sometime I just want to tell her to grow up and be a good parent and stop being so selfish. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Ja

You are not wrong in feeling this way. It’s pretty normal. It will probably not help your cause any to “tell her to grow up and be a good parent and stop being so selfish.” But you know that already.

There could be another reason she is doing this. She may feel that your time and relationship with your son is your responsibility. There is much you can do to cultivate relationships with his friends and their parents so that you know about what is going on without having to depend on your ex. You can also contact his school and his church to get info directly. It is fool hearty to expect an ex to pass on info and help you with your relationship with your child. It would be nice is ex’s could see that at least some of this is in the best interest of the children but they often do not. But it’s equally important for a parent to take full responsibility for their relationship and time with their child.

I had similar problems with my ex at first. He is so possessive of his time with our son that he did (and still does to some degree) this type of thing all the time. All the while I passed info to him.

For the most part I’d given up being able to get my son for one moment when ex-h has him. Our divorce was final at the end of 1997. But there are two things that are slowly changing it. One is that the my ex-h often asks for times here or there when I have our son. So I wait for these and do a trade off. I’ve become very skilled at anticipating and negotiating them. Also my son’s realized what’s going on with his dad so he now tells his dad when he wants to do things with me and then calls me to make sure it happens.

You don’t say how old your child is. They can be taught to keep you informed. If they know that you are willing to take them to fun things then they may be willing to tell you.

Another thing I’ve done is to make sure I get to know my son’s friends and their parents. If you drop little hints directly to the kids and their parents then they may go out of their way to keep you informed… “Gee I’d have let son go to the party if only someone had informed me.”

Do you ever pick your son up from school? Do if you can. Then take the time to talk to his teacher, his friends, etc. Be a big presence in his life. Your wife is not going to nurture this for you.

There are some who my son knows exclusively from his dad’s. So I’ve had my son invite them over to my house. I get to know those friends too. That way their parents learn to inform me too of things that are going on.

I’ve slowly trained by ex… When he asks for time with our son during my time will bargin for times that I need him (but only if there are real dates I need… this is not a game). I always tell him that I am agreeable about the time swap but that I will discuss it with our son before I say Ok because this is our son’s life and I don’t want him to feel like we are tading him like some commodity. He needs to have a say in this. My son has actually been very vocal about needing to feel like he has a say and is not just shoved around between us at our will. I will only swap time when I deem that the thing he wants our son for is something that will be a good experience for our son… like tickets to a concert, a ski trip, etc. I usually tell my H “Of course I’ll he can go.. it’s his life not ours. He needs to do things that are good for him.” My ex is slowly taking on that point of view… after I’ve said it at least a zillion times.

Hope this is of some help.