I'm in need of opinions and suggestions over this...<P>We have been married for about 15 months now and it continues to bother me and is an issue/argument frequently.<P>The issue: My wife had sex with her exhusband (and father of 13 year old son) three weeks before we were married (after a proported 10 year absence of intimacy with him). We had dated for a few months and were "engaged". Our wedding day had been set for awhile.<P>She told me about it the next day, I basically forgave her (but not him, ...yet). My wife continued to let him think it was a secret from me (she would not "let" me confront him or anything of the kind because she didn't want to hurt "their" relationship).<P>After many, many arguments about this...she finally in disgust called him one night months later, with me present, and told him I knew. He said "Oh, No!" As if they shold have a percieved secret from me forever.<P>He has not ever apologized to me for all the hurt that act has and continues to cause. My wife and he acutually continued to "flirt" with one another, before I asked for that to not happen. He has not told his wife about it either. He goes on his merry way and I continue to harbor this resentment and hurt.<P>My wife expects me to be completely forgiving to all and forget about it forever. I want her to do everything to convince me that our marriage is her priority and instead of a past relationship with him.<P>I support all of his and my stepsons interactions. That is no issue at all.<P>The act happened in our home then and it took me about six-eight months to get her to reluctantly agree not to allow him in our house. She says she told him this, but just tha other day, he came to pick up his son and came in our house and stayed for awhile (we were not home).<P>What can I do to get over this? What can my wife do? I feel if I had her COMPLETE commitment to us, I could without confronting him...but I don't feel I have that. The unfortunate human nature side of me wants to tell his wife, so he can endure the same hurt we have. Honesty is best...?<P>Thanks...<P>

Hi Tony It sounds like you've been very patient and understanding with your wife. As for spilling the beans to the exs wife, make your decision wisely! I just spilled the beans to someone because I knew his W was cheating and it has caused alot of hurt feelings. If I were the ex's W I would sure want to know, but how do you think your wife will react? Its bound to cause alot of tension between everyone. There are alot of people here that will probably disagree with me, but I'd say the ex's wife has a right to know. Atleast your wife was honest with you about it, shes totally in the dark! Your W told you before the marriage and gave you the opportunity to back out and you didnt, so you really need to try and get past it. Telling the ex's W might just add fuel to the fire.... Good luck to you!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tony40:<BR><B>What can I do to get over this? What can my wife do? I feel if I had her COMPLETE commitment to us, I could without confronting him...but I don't feel I have that. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, that is tough. I feel your pain. I have a friend that had a very similar incident a few weeks before their marriage, and it eventually was a factor in breaking up her marriage. She couldn't overcome the resentment, and her H would not come clean on the facts. <P>If you look at the one-timer as an affair, then the Harley's would say that the only road to recovery is a complete cutoff of contact. Of course, that is problematic in your case, with the son being involved.<P>I suppose one way to go would be to demand that -- absolutely no face to face or phone contact. The threat of disclosure to his W should motivate him to comply. However, you risk your W resenting the impact it has on their son. <P>Disclosing to his W is a big step...it may be what the Harley's would recommend, but it could have consequences. If the ex-H marriage breaks up and he is a free agent, is he then a real threat to your marriage? However, if she does find out, you will have a partner in monitoring their future relationship.<P>You say that you do not feel her complete commitment...why is that? What could she do to make you feel better? And what was her attitude when she told you about the sex with her ex?<P>FYI, here is an article about overcoming resentment after an affair. Maybe it will be of some help. And perhaps you could do a solo call with the Harley's and get their perspective. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html</A> <P>

LYNN31...thanks for your opinions. The biggest thing is that my wife doesn't seem to be giving our marriage the priority it deserves and needs. She continually places others and past relationships before it. She was unmarried for 10 years and it is VERY difficult for her to "give up" her single days and commit to everything a marriage entails.<BR>

Mike C2...thank you very much for your reply.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Of course, that is problematic in your case, with the son being involved.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Yes Mike, she always says that I am gonna ruin her relationship with him, and the father/son relationship by my inability to get over this.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You say that you do not feel her complete commitment...why is that? What could she do to make you feel better? And what was her attitude when she told you about the sex with her ex?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I feel I need her to side with me at all times in regard to dealings with him...not to the extent of no contact with him...but at least see my hurt, resentment, and for her not to flirt with him, talk to him about non-essential things for their son...<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tony40:<BR><B> I feel I need her to side with me at all times in regard to dealings with him...not to the extent of no contact with him...but at least see my hurt, resentment, and for her not to flirt with him, talk to him about non-essential things for their son...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I agree with all of that, certainly. It has been said before here that 2nd spouses have to accept being a second priority in many ways to stepchildren. In fact, I think husbands have to accept that with their own children, in many ways.<P>But I would encourage you not to bury this issue. My friedn did and it ate at her for more than a decade, and finally exploded. and there wasn't regular contact with the OP as in your case. <P>Figure out what you need in order to get over this. Frankly, I think there is no reason that a good father-son relationship necessitates extended or even any contact between the exes. <P>In your situation, I might consider a no contact decree a mandatory step on the road to your recovery and happiness. I certainly wouldn't want the SOB drinking coffee in my kitchen.<P>The Harleys say that in any affair breakup, the WS will fight a no contact rule and negotiate to maintain some social contact with the OW. With you, of course, your W has a pretty good excuse. But that is all it is. She should realize the impact that her action had on your happiness. Hopefully, she will work with you on this. <P>

I'm in my second marriage and I can tell you right now your wife is being very inconsiderate to you. My husband has a good parenting relationship with his ex, but that's it. He discussing ONLY the children with her and he doesn't go into her home. He doesn't chat with her about every day things and they don't flirt with each other. I'm not his "second", I'm his wife and I know that our marriage is extremely strong because our communication skills are strong and we always take each other's feelings into consideration. My ex? Well that's another story because I can hardly stomach looking at him, let alone invite him in for coffee!! You do need to get this problem taken care of before you can move on in your marriage. You need to tell her what you need to feel secure in your marriage and if she cares about you and your marriage she'll do everything she can to make you feel secure. If she refuses, well then you know where you and your marriage is in her priorities. Good luck.