Nina,
The big thing my kids wanted to know was for my son, then 8 was where was he going to live. ANd for my daughter then 11, was she going to have to testify at the divorce hearing.

I did not tell them that I was the one that filed. She actually filed first, we attempted another reconciliation, and when she went back to om, I restarted them.

We just told the kids we were divorcing one another. Who filed first never came up.

Nina,

I do not post much, but had to sign in when I read you thread. You sound like a good mother who really wants to do what is best for her son, as do all the other mother's who have given you advice. Something about going through a divorce makes one think a bit off from normal. I went through a D many years ago. Have truly regretted some of the things I shared with my children (mostly oldest son). At the time I felt I was being truthful. Not hiding things. The fact is, I was hurting and I allowed that hurt to blur my judgement. I did not get to a therapist nearly soon enough. Because of some of my "talks" with my son, which were nothing but honest and forthrite, my son struggled with fallout from the divorce. He has baggage to this day (he is 28) that he is still trying to deal with. All because I told him far more than he needed to know. I included him on the pretext of "being honest" in things that did not concern him. For instance, children never need to know the details of WHY you are getting a divorce. Saying things like daddy stopped loving me works on their psyche. They automatically assume, that daddy could stop loving them too! You, in their eyes did nothing wrong, and he stopped loving you. There are a lot acceptable, truthful explanations that will not alarm them. Kids are afraid when D happens. Telling them more than necessary makes their fears grow. Makes them more confused. I have learned and read tons of material about what to tell children since, just wish I had before.

PLEASE, PLEASE get to a therapist if possible ASAP!! If you can't do that, go to the bookstore and pick up some books on how to help you kids cope with this huge change in their lives. Maybe you can fix some of the damage that has been done before it is too late.

My prayers are with you and yours.

TFS

(edited for clarity)

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: TheFeminineSide ]</small>

Children should be told why the divorce is happening. If there is an OW, they should know. Children who are given vague answers about the cause of divorce are far more likely to blame themselves. It is NOT honesty that screws up kids. Having a parent abandon them does. Lying to your kids, and keeping secrets from them, does screw them up. My teenage son has said that the worst thing a parent can do, aside from lying, is to keep secrets from their children.

My s had been gone over 2 years when I finally had to file for a divorce. My children were 7 and 4 at the time. It took us a year to get to court. I scheduled my appointments with atty during times they were in school-preschool. I did my homework on the divorce while they were asleep or gone. Didn't try to keep too much from them. They were 4 and 2 when he left. The divorce didn't change their lives. I didn't tell them when we went to court. They did know we were getting a divorce and that both parents would always love them and that, when we got the divorce, nothing in their lives would change. It was not until several months after the divorce that I told them we were officially divorced. And I had talked with their therapists before hand. My policy was honesty with their questions but no bringing up events that were to happen. Because their life didn't change when I filed or when the divorce hearing was held or when the divorce became final. It changed when he left. Other than that, there were no events that brought big changes - except when my heart began healing and I began coping better but that took a year or more after the separation.

This all boils down to - I honestly answered their questions. They knew the divorce was going to happen but they weren't kept informed about events in the process. But I never mislead them.

I am the child of parents who had an unhappy marriage. All my childhood there were difficulties between them, most of which I did not understand, but I could see my mother's pain and did not understand it.

There were times that both parents were 'too' honest with me, berating each other to me, telling me what the other had done, the lies my dad told, and the rest. I can clearly recall how that felt, and I would NEVER tell my son or daughters the WHOLE story, because I know what it does. I have been there.

They do know about OW because HE took them out with her for the day, kissed her in front of them, and she played happy families with them. My daughter is STILL dealing with that little episode, and it was nearly a year ago.

Thank you all for the advice regarding the original question....of course it makes sense to just tell them WE are getting divorced rather than who did it to whom. And Cinderella, you are absolutely right, the piece of paper really changes nothing for them, because their dad has been gone for a while. So their lives will not change, we already don't have Daddy living with us, and this is what divorce means to them, anyway.

Love and light,

Jacky

In my case, I would never have told my children that "we" were getting a divorce, because, for one thing, it would have been a lie. It is very important to me that my kids know that divorce is wrong, and that there are almost no circumstances (other than physical abuse) in which I would even consider it.

No one will ever convince me that there can be such a thing as too much honesty. There is little if anything I do not know about my parents lives, including some things I did not approve of (no adultery though). There may have been things I wish they hadn't done, but there is NOTHING I wish I hadn't known. Even as a young child I hated being treated like a mushroom by anyone.

I have told my children several times that this is not the life I would have chosen. That being a single parent was not idea. That I am sometimes very angry with x that this is what he chose. That I am angry about how his choice affected them and their lives. But you can't control other people's choices and sometimes you have to cope with situations you don't like. But what matters is that you do the best you can and make the most of what you have.

Jacky,

you are a good mum.

Liz

Sing,

(That is what I tell my boys or that daddy just didn't like living with mommy anymore.)

You handle things extremely well! You should be very proud of yourself.

Nina,

(Thank you all for the advice regarding the original question....of course it makes sense to just tell them WE are getting divorced rather than who did it to whom. And Cinderella, you are absolutely right, the piece of paper really changes nothing for them, because their dad has been gone for a while. So their lives will not change, we already don't have Daddy living with us, and this is what divorce means to them, anyway.)

I think Cinderella gave you some great advice. Too much "adult" information is never appropriate for children. Some of the books I have read (by child therapists in the field) are: "The Best Interest of The Child" and "Mom's House and Dad's House". Another book that I truly enjoyed, although not as helpful in what to do was the one by Wallerstein, "Legacy of Divorce". Read it with a box of tissue because you'll need it. At least I found it to be very sad.

(They do know about OW because HE took them out with her for the day, kissed her in front of them, and she played happy families with them. My daughter is STILL dealing with that little episode, and it was nearly a year ago.)

Your Ex had made a terrible mistake by doing this. The OW had no right to be in your kids lives in any way so soon. I would buy him a book too. Perhaps it will help him see how messed up his behavior is!!

Nellie,

(In my case, I would never have told my children that "we" were getting a divorce, because, for one thing, it would have been a lie. It is very important to me that my kids know that divorce is wrong, and that there are almost no circumstances (other than physical abuse) in which I would even consider it.

No one will ever convince me that there can be such a thing as too much honesty.)

I feel for you sweetie. You sound so much like I did those years ago when I divorced. My H left me for his OW (still with her and they have to boys). I hated everything about him and didn't want "my" children around such a lowlife. But, experts definitely disagree with you. Children, because they are not psychologically ready to deal with adult problems, should NOT be told everything. They are not adults and you cannot expect them to synthesize, analyze and digest so much "honesty". Keep it simple for them. Tell them HONESTLY everything that they can understand. Age appropriate talks are valuable, but dumping every honest fact on them is just cruel. On top of everything else they have to deal with why make them deal with more?? I see it as a form of child abuse. Just as Nina's Ex was abusing his daughter by doing what he did with the OW. Kids (especially teens!!) think they know everything that is right or wrong for them. THEY DON'T. A parent must always shield their children from inappropriate people, environments and situations.

Don't mean this in a negative way towards you at all. We all handle tough situations the best way we can. I know you don't want to hurt your children and cause them further pain and conflict.

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: TheFeminineSide ]</small>

Thanks for the support guys, I really appreciate it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .