I have been D since January 02. I have two boys, one is 2 and the other is 6. My xh walked out on us last summer and a month later I found out about the ow and now they are getting married the end of the month. Yesterday my older son started talking about the ow and her family. Needless to say, it is very difficult to hear anything about her or her family. It really makes me sick to know that this woman and her family are around my children. I just can't seem to get over it. Whenever my children spend the weekend with their dad it always takes me about 2-3 days to readjust and I am so filled with anger and I am very upset. Then I am fine for awhile.

My xh said that he talked to our 6 yr old about getting married. Of course, I had to find out about all of it from the paper. Yesterday was the first time my child mentioned just a little bit about it and I took that opportunity to talk to him and see how he was doing. Of course, he doesn't really understand at all. He asked me if I was going to the wedding to watch. I told him that I wasn't, that mommy and daddy weren't together anymore, that mommy and daddy weren't married anymore. He still didn't quite understand why I wasn't going. I tried really hard to explain to him that mommy and daddy live separate lives now but I really don't know how much of what I said sunk in. I held my tongue, it is so very hard to do, talking about this. It hurts me that he is doing this and has betrayed me this way and now he is hurting his children even more. My 6 yr old has asked quite a few times since his dad left when we were going to get married again, we were going to get together again, why we don't live together anymore. I have tried to explain this to him to his understanding but I know that it will take time for him to comprehend all of this.

I am so angry at my xh for doing this to the children. They are still very confused about all of this, they haven't had enough time at all to take any of this in. As soon as my xh walked out he was with the ow and then exposed my children to her and her family immediately and now he is throwing them into a new family. It kills me that my 2 yr old is calling the ow's parents grandma and grandpa. I sat down with my 6 yr old and tried to explain to him what relationship he would have with this ow. I tried to explain to him that she would be his step-mother, not his real mother, kind of like a second mother and that her parents were not his grandparents but his step-grandparents, more grandparents in his life. I am starting to feel squeezed out here, I don't want to alienate my children but part of me feels like these other people are moving into my family and trying to take my family and I won't have it. I still can't believe that this ow's family accepts all of this, what do they know about everything, how can they stand by and support this? How can my xh's family support any of this? It is all WRONG!

I was doing really good this weekend but here I go again, right back down the rollercoaster. I think it has to do with the fact that my xh is getting married at the end of the month.......a week prior to my birthday and two weeks prior to our wedding anniversary. At least me and the children won't be in town that weekend. It is my weekend, my xh never told me about getting married and I made plans back in April to go on vacation that weekend. I found out my 6 yr old didn't want to be in the wedding and I talked to him the other day about us not being here for the wedding and I explained to him about the vacation trip and that I didn't know. He seemed okay, not upset at all. Just goes to show you that he doesn't comprehend at all what is fixing to happen. I did have a talk with him about strangers and people making him feel uncomfortable. For some reason, I felt that I needed to bring this up. I made it a point not to single out the ow and her family but to generalize all adults. He and his brother are around so many new people now and I felt like I had to talk to him about it. Was I right to do this? I told him that I know that the ow and her family are not strangers to him and his brother but there are other people they don't know or do know and to let someone he trusts know if something is bothering him. I am feeling very scared lately and frightened for my children, they have gone through so much and they are fixing to be hit with so much.............

Any advice or suggestions....support of any kind would be wonderful...

Kathy

(((((Kathy)))))

Makes you want to just walk up to him and kick hime square in the junk, doesn't it.... It is so difficult to separate the emotions of betrayal out of all this. Yes, he's screwing up . Yes, she must be nuts. Yes, their family shouldn't accept this... and on and on....

But once again we must on focus on what Kathy can control and give the rest of the baggage away.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Kathy,
This must rip your heart out, but think six months ahead...Do you really think that your xh is going to live happily ever after and be able to leave you out of the picture? Think again, statistics are stacked against him. The honey moon will be over sooner than you think if that's any consolation. All the newness of everything is exciting but it will soon fade. As for your boys, don't worry. Be glad that ow's family is being good to them. And giving you 6yo a talk about strangers was an excellent idea, much needed at this age.
Hang in there, Kathy, everything will work out. As all of the other advice given, work on yourself and try some new things while your xh has the kids. You need to develop a new life and it will be so much easier to get over his weekend with the boys and ow. If you can (and haven't already) find a good counselor. Sometimes a good venting helps imensly (that's what this website is for too!!) Good luck and let us know how things are going.

Goldeneagle

Kathy - I just wanted to tell you that I can't imagine what you are going through you are like living my worst nightmare - I am starting to go through a divorce and I know that it is going to kill me when my children have a step mother and/or step family - but I will tell you I would be happy that they were treating them like members of their family and not outsiders - It must drive you crazy trying to figure out what you did to deserve this and why are all of those people supporting them - but you know hopefully you will find a new love someday and be happy again - who knows I tend to think maybe I will be happier with someone else and I may thank my husband someday - I just don't know - but I do know that if he cheated on you with her - then once the honeymoon is over and they are in reality that she isn't going to trust him because she knows what he is capable of...You just hold your head up high - and try to answer the kids questions as simple as possible and remember you are their mother and no one can take your place....

Thank you all so much for responding. I have been checking back quite frequently for any advice, any support. It is very much appreciated and very much needed.

LostHusband-
Thank you for your words. The baggage.....one day it seems to be gone, the next day I seem to have picked some of it up again. I am working on this every single day.....I can't control everything and what I can't control I willingly give to God.

Goldeneagle-
I keep telling myself that it is a good thing that the ow and her family are good to my children. This does help some because it could be much worse. All of this could be much worse. I still can't believe my xh is going to take vows and commit his life to this ow when he couldn't commit to our vows, it is so unreal. I am glad that you feel that I did right by talking to my oldest about strangers. For some reason I just had this overwhelming urge that I needed to speak to him about it. My conscience was talking to me, I listened.

I do go out with friends when the boys are with their dad, sometimes I just do things for me. I have to admit that that time alone is very rewarding for me and in the long run it is rewarding for the boys. I have been going to counseling and it is doing so much for me. I couldn't imagine last year that I would have my head on as straight as I do today.

Maw64-
I do tell myself that it could be worse with the ow and her family. They could treat my children terribly and make this entire situation even more difficult than it is.

I already know that my xh did me a favor by leaving and filing for divorce. I never wanted it, I never pursued it. Finally, I gave up when he offered absolutely no chance whatsoever. I finally woke up and realized that I have two children that needed a mother and a person with her head on straight. I took charge of my life and I haven't been as happy as I am now in a very long time. Admittedly, I am not ready for anyone in my life right now but I do hope to meet someone down the road. I will be so much more careful who I choose to be in my life from now. I have been hurt too bad to ever go through this pain again. The future is brighter, even without my xh.

Thanks again all!
Kathy

You've had really great responses here. I can't add anything but support. You're doing great to try to look at the positives in your situation, and it's wonderful that there are some real important positives to find. You're doing as well as anyone could expect to do in this situation. All that's left is to keep it up!

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you have to go through this type of pain.
It's bad enough, and then to add more to it, it is just cruel.
My children are older, but I can only imagine what you are feeling inside.
You need to look after yourself and take care of yourself as well as your children more than ever.
You are doing the right thing... be there for them and answer every question you can to the best of your ability.
Only time will heal these wounds. But I would try to protect yourself and your children from having to experience a continued pain like this as best you can.
I wish I had some good advice on this, but I don't.
May God bless you and your children.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I think it is very important for you to talk to your six year old about what to do if someone does something that makes him uncomfortable - and not just strangers. The vast majority of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone a child knows and trusts - whether it be a step-something, a coach, a priest, or whatever. The risk of abuse, both physical and sexual, at the hands of a step-parent is depressingly high. I am very worried about the fact that the OW has two teenage boys, and I have an daughter entering adolescence. Luckily, so far the boys seem to make a point of avoiding being there when my kids are there.

Another daughter, when she was 5, kept saying over and over again that she wanted my H and I to get married again. I suppose I should be grateful that they children weren't even invited to their wedding - if it actually occurred. My H didn't bother mentioning it to them until later, when they were driving home from somewhere and he didn't have to look them in the face.

Personally, I would rather the OW not pretend to be nice to my kids, and then stab them in the back by doing everything possible to limit their father's time with them, not to mention doing whatever she can to make sure that our family lives in poverty. If someone is going to hate me, I certainly would rather they didn't pretend otherwise.

Hey Kathy.

Yeah,I think you said the right thing, ya just can't share your truth with 'em...

You're in a really tough place, and I don't think anything will feel right.

I expect to be in the same "place" shortly.

I have found that conversations on this website are also excellent, and help immensly with this type of consideration.

DOL

Blessings, Kathy, and Peace

Oh, yeah. Therapy may help...since you really cannot do to him what he may deserve.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: Family Man ]</small>