You are wondering if you Plan A is working. That can often be hard to tell from day to day. Have you considered an appointment with Dr. Harley? Even one or two might be of great help to you.
One thing that I notice from your post is that you are spending a lot of emotional energy and time wondering where your H’s head is. I know that is hard to stop but for Plan A to really be successful you need to change your focus. While it is true that in Plan A we become something of doormats, there is more to it then that. We are learning to be better people and spouses. And we are starting to slowly separate from our spouse. This is not a bad thing. There is certain amount of healthy detachment that must happen. No one likes to be with a clingy, needy person. I suggest that you try the 180. I’ve included the 180 list below. It comes for the divorce busting web site. I’ve found that using DB with MB is very successful. It’s often discussed on the General Questions II forum. I would also suggest that you read the DB books as well as the MB books.
Why not give it a try, start thinking about you. Maybe your H will start wondering what’s the change in you all about.
(PS. It’s Zor not Zoro <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
I got this off
http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a
180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
<small>[ July 10, 2002, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>
