Hi I am a new member on this board, I was married for 27 years and have been divorced for a year. I basically stayed in a loveless marriage for that many years, because I thought that it would be easier for the children if I waited until they were adults. I was sadly mistaken, it is worse for them as adults. My ex took me to the proverbial "cleaners", because of the lenght of the marriage and based on the fact that my income was substantially more than his, he asked for alimony and was entitled to 50% of my retirement fund and of all assets, he didn't have any so I ended up with zilch from him. I get furious when I think of it all. He has allowed his family to hurt me and my children, and he himself disrespected our daughter, by putting his girlfriend first before his child, he buys his girlfriend gifts something he never did for me for 27 years and doesn't give his child any gifts. My problem is that I am having trouble adjusting to single life, and I resent the fact that he has moved on so easily, I do not ever want him back, and I am happy for the quiet and the peace at home, but I get very angry when I think of how his life has turned out.
Could you please suggest to me how to handle these feelings.
Thanks
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What does living well mean to you? Picture yourself in the life you want, really want. Then go out and live it.

The best 'revenge' is to live well. So do it.

I am sure that it hurts to have given him half of everything you earned. But that is the definition of marriage.

I know something about loosing a lot. For years I earned more then my ex-h. I put him through med school and residency. He walked away with no school debt and a medical degree. I lost my entire retirement because I invested in his schooling. The idea was that once he was in practice I'd get to go back and finsh my Masters and a PHD. Well I got the short end of that stick.

But dispite the financial losses I've done well both financially and emotionally since the divorce. It kinda miff's him sometimes. Guess he thought that I could not go on without his cheating, mean self.

My best advice, having lived through it, is to stop looking to the past and start building a future. Time will take care of it.

Hi Angela,

I'm sorry for your hurt and your understandable anger. 27 years of marriage is quite a feat these days, and if you stayed in for the children and have been cheated financially in the divorce, I can understand your anger.

Let's look at you. You have moved on to a quieter, more peaceful life, as you said. You are angry that your husband has done so well financially out of the divorce, thereby hurting you more than he already did in your loveless marriage. It sounds like you feel like you sacrificed yourself by staying in the marriage.

Well, guess what, I don't think your husband is going to change much. Too bad for him that he is such a selfish guy that he won't get more joy out of life by being decent to his kids. You need to be there for your daughter who may feel disappointed by his treatment of her. She has you! You are the decent person here.

You can't make your ex feel things he doesn't feel. He may not be capable of seeing things as they really are. Now is the time to focus on you. Do something positive for yourself! Start a new hobby, meet some new people, travel. As some folks here have said, cut your losses and move on. You have already divorced and seem to have adjusted well. There is nothing you can do to make your ex behave better toward your children. If you want, you can tell him how you feel, if he will respect that. And then you have done what you can.

I don't know if I have said anything helpful, but I wanted you to know someone read your post and cared enough to write back. Hope it helps. Good luck in building your future into something bright. I am sure you have happiness ahead. But it will come from you, not from feeling satisfaction that your ex is one way or another. This is all about you now. Take care.

Thank you asgoodasitgets, everything you said hit home. I am proud of what I have accomplished and I am also proud of the fact that my exh might have gained financially, but I have something that is more special than financial gain, the love and respect of my children that to me is priceless! And you are absolutely correct, he is a selfish man and he will never change. I hope I can move on, but I have trust issues, I don't really trust men at this point I am trying though.
Angela

Thank you zorweb for your kind words, you are correct in saying that living well is the best revenge. I have prospered after the divorce, I received a promotion and a big raise at work and have been able to keep and maintain my house and help my children. My exh has lived and is still living with his mother (he's 55 years old), so I guess the laugh is on him isn't it!!
Angela

angel,
What do you like to do? Go do that, and you may find someone that enjoys that too! Or do something you always wanted to do and never had because of one reason or another. You are now free to do it, you don't have children to worry about or a spouse you are trying to please. Do something for yourself!!!!!!!!!!

I have always enjoyed nature, but it was always too hot,cold, buggy, or something else.

Well I have met someone who is interested in nature too and we have been having a great time!

hang in !

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: RWD ]</small>