The hardest day of my life dear friends. After much nagging, I convinced H to attend counseling with me today. Well, his actual response was "what the h*ll". Sounds promising didn't it. I did most of the talking while he assumed his usual position of arms folded accross his chest and non-interested look on his face. I brought up several issues, mostly about his lack of demonstrating any affection for me, his lack of remorse over his affair with Mia, and his lack of any sexual desire for me. That last one was the source of major hurt. He skirted around the affection issue, basically reversing the statement saying I didn't show him affection either. He never completely answered anything about Mia. And well, the sex thing - once again, very humiliating, he stated in front of this counselor that he found me completely sexually unattractive. I asked point blank if it was my weight, and he answered "well, yeah". I guess I wanted the truth, but dang, it sure hurts!<P>So, after we left, I cried the whole way home. I paced in the back yard and tossed many scenarios around. I finally had enough strength and courage to tell him that I wanted and NEEDED more from a husband than he obviously was willing or able to give me. And then I asked him to leave. You know, I expected some sort of resistance, but he looked like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. I think he was happy I asked him to go. He said he would probably go spend the night at his office, but of course, I'm thinking he ran over to Miss Mia's house. I don't know. Right now, my stomach feels like it's swirling around in outer space. I'm numb, shocked, and well, totally doubting myself and this decision. I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. But I just couldn't continue to live such a completely loveless marriage. "Best Friends" love each other more than my H and I did. Sad, but true.<P>I feel like such a complete failure as a wife. I just couldn't hang on anymore. My fingertips were bleeding. And I finally had to let go.

Dear Tired Lady,<P>I think you did the right thing. I know it hurts...but I think it's the end of something that was dishonest, and the beginning of something new. Perhaps you gave him permission to be miserable elsewhere. I know his statements hurt you and were offensive. But focus in the next few days on taking care of you.. and loving you, and little by little things will start to make sense. You are not alone. I totally understand how you are feeling.<P>God's blessings and His peace go with you!<BR>Ramy

Dear Tired Lady: My heart goes out to you tonight. There was no reason for your husband to be so insensitive to your feelings about your weight. I know you have stated that you wanted honesty, but it is unfortunate he picked that precise moment to finally be honest with you. I think your name says it all. You fought a good fight, and tried with all of your power to make your marriage work, but it has to be a mutual decision by both parties. Don't ever feel that you are a failure. You are far from that! It must have been so difficult for you to continue to give love, and get nothing in return. I wish you all the best of luck, and hopefully your husband will realize what a good woman he had.<BR>((((((((((((((((((Tired Lady)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))<P>Success Story(why me)<BR>Sandy<P><p>[This message has been edited by why me (edited September 02, 1999).]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tired Lady}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Oh you have been through so much, I am so sorry you are hurting tonight. Know we are with you in spirit. This may not be as bad as you think. Being away from you and your home may wake him up a bit. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Maybe a little time apart will help you too. Give you some time to dwell on YOURSELF. Do for YOURSELF. I know it's so hard to think about what you need or want, when you are tiring to hard to hang on to your spouse. Take care of yourself.<P>I wish I could do more then offer my suuport.

Thanks for the replies. I'm in much need of support. It's still dark outside and I haven't had any sleep. Guess I should have expected that.<P>H called when he got to his office. Not to make me feel better though. Here's how to kick a dog to the curb...he told me for months, that he felt guilty coming home and living a married life with me, when he felt his "committed relationship" was with Mia. He actually felt like it was her, not me, that he was cheating on. Go figure. I wonder what other "revelations" he'll decide to disclose now that he's not in the house with me. <P>What do you all make of this?

Sounds like he's still in the midst of his fantasy world. I'm glad you had the courage to kick out your source of pain. Hopefully he will wake up. If not, you will be a better person without him. <P>TryingAgain

TL, I wish you all the best to overcome this. I don't understand why people have to hurt, but I guess it is a part of growing and learning. HUGS!

I have been right where you are, so I know how hard this is to do, but after 8 months I can say my seperation has been the best thing for me. As someone else said, take this time to concentrate on YOU. After years of waiting because "we didn't have the money" I finally got contacts, had my hair done differently, lost 30 pounds, exercise twice a week with friends, get my nails done. And the list goes on. My children thought I had gone nuts at first. But, now they finally see me and not just "a wife and mom". I think that made a big difference with my husband too. And because of my feeling better about myself, our relationship is better.<P>But even if that hadn't happened "I'm" better. Remember that God's desire is that you have a restored marriage. Pray for that and take care of yourself. It does get easier.<P>I'll be praying for you.<BR>DLS

TL -- I think you have done the right thing. He isn't willing to give you any kind of commitment, etc, etc, etc. I have been out of the house for two weeks and already I know it is the best thing I could have done. The stress level I have felt for over a year is going away fast. I'm sleeping better and just feeling better overall. Join a gym. The exercise will help your anxiety level, take up some of your time, and you will feel better about yourself. Take care.

If I can chime in here Tired Lady. I think you did the right thing asking him to leave. I believe you need to be taking care of yourself first and foremost right now. <P>Discovery for me was almost 4 weeks ago. We were in Plan A, but the night of D, I asked H to leave for a couple of days (otherwise I would have done something really stupid - major love buster - and didn't want to do that). 2 weeks ago we went to Plan b - OW came to town from England and they are trying to figure it out. These past 3 weeks have been the weeks from H*&%. But I've been surrounding myself with friends, have a good therapist, keeping myself busy, trying to get rest, getting out the anger. Finally this week, I felt like my feet were starting to touch the ground again. I've even had moments where I am laughing and feel a little normal. <P>Remember, when you 'let go' last night, you were taking care of yourself. <P>I was convinced when I went to Plan B, H wouldn't come around. We've had absolutely no contact since OW showed up. I got a short note in the mail from him yesterday (shocked me!) saying He was suprised to discover that 'this' has very little to do with OW and her child and a whole lot to do with deep old wounds that he can't even see, much less fix. And that he's going to start with the love between him and him... meaning (I think) he's going to start working on self love. <P>I'm staying firm in Plan B. Need to just to take care of me. It does get better. I feel stronger and a whole lot less like a door mat. We too, hadn't had any sexual relationships for 3 months leading up to Discovery. <P>Sending you a Big big hug!! <P>

I want to first send out my prayers to you, I, like most of us know the pain of an unfaithful husband. But, I have to say that I am really shocked by the responses coming to you. I thought the whole idea of this was to encourage people to stay married and not to congradulate those who feel they need to give up. I do know this, I have faith in God, and I know God can move mountains, why are so many so quick to doubt God's power when only God can fix things. If you ask, God said you shall recieve, ask God to give you back the husband that you fell in love with, and to remove this other woman, and to renew that passionate love that your husband once had for you. God creates miracles everyday, why be so quick to think he doesn't care about you and your marriage. You are not fighting your husband, you are fighting the devil, he is the one who wants to destroy marriages today. Please read John 1:12. It has been a great help to me when I have felt like giving up. May God bless you and your family

I just hope that Mia does the right thing and refuses to have anything to do with him. By not putting any effort into working on the marriage, not only is he going against everything that is right, but he is not even doing what she asked him to do.

Hang in there. Maybe what he needed is to have time away from you to appreciate you. And if you start to concentrate on taking care of yourself maybe you will begin to appreciate yourself also. I think that his comment was meant to do what it has obviously done, hurt you. Perhaps even though he thinks he wants out he is angry with you for putting out. I say this because when I first discovered my husbands affair I asked him to leave. He told me that after all these years that we have been together how could I just through him out into the street. (mind you at that point he wanted to continue his affair) Go figure, he was rejecting me yet couldn't stand the rejection. I may be entirely wrong about his perspective on this, but in either case the main thing is to stay strong for you. Once you have done that for awhile maybe your outlook will be clearer.<P>anita<P>------------------<BR>