<small>[ July 15, 2002, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: Confused & can't believe ]</small>

Allthough I'm in NY you can still read my post from today at 3:30. I went to a few bookstore and browsed many books about marriage,divorce,depression,stress,human behavior, and adultry (yes, adultry) Don't rule out this posibility!
You probably will find some books that describe the way you are feeling and the way you think she is feeling. These books will describe where these feeling came from and what they really mean.
Don't read these books to her. Rather present the books to her, maybe one at a time, to browse at her convenience.
It's not over till it's over, and even then it's not over.

Something smells to high heaven... and I think it's coming from your wife's side of the room.
Keep us informed as this situation takes shape.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I just read your other post. Here’s what I see.

What ever you do, do not move out right now. It may be easiest for you to move but the courts (and mediators) will always go with the status quo. I know that no fault divorces mean that no one gets to point a finger at the other. But in reality if you leave you will be the absent parent. I’ve seen this backfire. If you are not living with your wife and children, and you have no parenting plan in place, it will be her words against yours as to the status quo. You said that your wife agrees to 50/50 right now but you are not sure if she will stick with it. Get it in writing in a parenting plan. Then she will have to stick to it.

My ex-h and I ended up with us sharing legal custody 50/50. But I have primary custody. Originally it was a 70/30 split. Today it is a 60/40 split. There were good reasons why he only had 30% to start with, over time and work with a counselor to improve his relationship with our son he was able to get 40%.

It’s interesting that you say it’s a no fault state but your wife listed faults. Perhaps it may awaken her a bit if you name faults back. If you do this, just be careful, as it could get ugly.

Income wise.. Make very sure that any kind of child support is calculated on your current income. I am assuming here that your wife makes less then you do. Some people will argue about basing it on potential income. But you have the right to work at whatever you want to work at. Then, at a time when you are making more income child support can be recalculated.

Since your wife has a career and a Masters, alimony should not even be an issue. But check the laws in your state. In some states a professional license is divisible. It is not in NM so although I put my ex-h through medical school I have no claim to any of his future income. He pays child support. I cannot back get a penny of my investment in his degree.

We had court appointed mediators for custody and for the financial settlements during my divorce. I found that they did not work because my ex-h wanted it his way and no other way. He wanted full custody of our son, to move our son 100 miles from home, and to allow me visitation only once a month. Yet I had been our son’s primary care giver since birth. Financially he thought that his medical degree was not enough.. he wanted 100% of our assets to include the furniture, china and crystal I’d inherited before our marriage. (He says that I’m the money grubber…lol). What I found is that the mediator wants a settlement. At least the ones I had only cared that they mediated an agreement, not that it was equitable or whether nor not I felt pressured. I found that my ex-h would state what he wanted and then they would set about trying to get me to agree to what he wanted. Seemed like no one was looking out for me and our son. After agreeing under pressure a few times it bagged the mediators.

If you are going to use a mediator know what you want and how far you are able to bend on it. Remember that it is a judge that grants the divorce… anything that is left undecided will be settled by a judge. If you and your wife cannot arrive at an agreement, an stranger will do it for you. One of the biggest shocks I got (and my ex too) was how much the strangers in the legal system will take over your life and your children’s life. I’ll bet that your wife is not aware of this.. perhaps a reality shock is coming for her.

Just because your wife filed it does not mean that the divorce is inevitable. There are plenty of ways to stall a divorce. Not being able to show up for hearings/meetings. Asking for disclosure. Then asking for more. Mine took 14 months to complete.. not because I as trying to stall it but because my ex-h kept playing games like the ones I mentioned above.

In the mean time plan A her as much as you can.