I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago (6/28/02) after finding out about my wifes third act of infidelity in 18 years of marriage. She had the first one with my best friend but never told me about it until she had her second A back in 1995. She had turned 30 and decided she wanted to change her life. She ended up running around with at least 5 men in a 6 month period. We lived in a small town and her reputation grew quickly. I was told by other women that she had missed out on dating due to getting married too early and was going through a phase. She ended up getting a DUI during that time and came running back to me. She had filed for a D during that time but dropped it. I thought she wanted to truly reconcile but she was scared she would lose custody of the kids. From 95 until now, we actually were doing pretty well. We moved, built a new home, and basically started over. I thought she was over it.

So now, here I am with her latest act, meeting people through the internet. I have realized that I have not met all of her EN's and she has been getting them met on line. She has been meeting men at different locations, speaking with them on the phone, and yes, having phone sex with them, which I recorded (I had no idea she was so involved and when I heard it, I almost fainted).

I told her she needed to move out and when she asked why, I told her I had a tape for her to listen to. She has moved out knowing that she again, has screwed up. She shows no remorse though. She continues to come to the house while I am at work because she wants to help clean, wash clothes, etc. I have no problem doing these things myself but have not yet told her to stop coming here. She has agreed to everything that I have asked for as far as the divorce goes. I will continue to live in the house, she will ask for little child support, we will use the same attorney to keep costs down, she doesn't want anything of mine, etc. I am nervous that if I tell her to stop coming to the home, she will get her own attorney and it will get ugly.

So the current problem is twofold.
The first is that I have never been with anyone else besides my wife (I am 38) and although I know there truly is no other alternative than D, I am having a hard time getting over the rejection. I know she is still living in her little fantasy world on the internet and probably is still meeting people. I would imagine that is one of the reasons that she continues to come back to the house as she doesn't have a computer. I am trying to not let this bother me but since I see her often (daughters softball games, unexpected pop in's) I still get that pain in the gut. I know that I do not want to continue on with this woman but constantly find myself asking, what if? Is plan B the answer??

The second problem, and I know this is premature to be thinking about, is how do I now start meeting people (women) again. I have been so committed to my wife over these last 20 years that I have developed a habit of not talking with other women. Yes, I have had women come on to me over the years and would quickly let them know that I was married and was not interested. While my current interests don't include "hooking up" with someone for a one nighter, I am concerned that when the time comes to meet someone, I won't know how to respond. I am thinking about going to a session involving other people that are going through divorce; To find out what they have done and how they are coping. I probably should see a psycologist also. I don't know. I know my W is in a fog but I also feel like I am in one. As I have been told, these feelings will stick with me for a long time, probably years.

I hate the fact that this marriage has failed and that our daughters will have to live with divorced parents. I hate the fact that we had true love but it has been spoiled so badly that it has to be thrown out. I hate the fact that I have failed at something because I pride myself at never failing. And I hate the fact that I am using the word hate, which I never do.

Anything you folks have to offer will be appreciated. I have read a lot here but posted little. But I know this is where to come for some sound advice.

Hi SA, Hang in their, I can relate how you feel, I know the pain of multiple A's...I chased them all down only to find her rebuilding them all again later.....My WS/W filed for Dv and it was final in May........

She was the same also no remorse just mainly sorry I got caught....She meet people over the internet through Sex at the forfront, then went out on dates with them and who knows what else, bought them clothes, phone sex, all this took place while still in same house. I listen to voice mail, read emails from secret accounts, looked at cell phone bills, many things and she would stare at me dead in the eyes and deny it all and even flare with a bad attitude she did nothing and how dare I accuse her, while I had the facts in my hand...even in counseling, she still denied she was doing anything but cell phone bills still showed same activity, through Dv process she still had a boyfriend, still tried to hide it ....So I know how you feel..

AS far as the woman issue go, I to was married for 18 years and always presented my convenant to women always sheilding myself too, when she seperated in early 2001 I was stuck with those thoughts also of this is the only woman I ever interacted with all these years on a personal level.....

It'll be ok, just keep in prayer

All I can say to if you filed already, be wise, it can turn ugly...

sotiredofitall,

I can relate to your name cuz there are times when I too get soooooo tiered of it all too.

My WH has had multiple A's too.

I don't know the answer to your questions as I have know WH 27 years & m 21. For me, I just plan to do what interests me & just take it easy. get to know people slowly and just to get to know them, nothing else.

If you are not sure about going to plan be, I would suggest a session with one of the harley's. Steve has helped me put things in perspective and it feels better to have a plan.

You said you have read, did you read SSA?

Keep posting, also you may want to post some things on Genl questions as each board has it's own personality and it also gets more traffic.

God Bless,

D.

Dear Sotiredofitall,

Boy, can I relate. Too long to tell you about my backround...but I have been there.

It is not an easy road. Be careful in the divorce process...it starts out fairly easy, and as time goes by, it tends to get uglier. I guess people start to realize what they will be losing and reality starts to set in.

Looking back, I wish I hadn't fought the divorce so hard..it would have been easier to just get it done. Hindsite.

I also am sad about the divorce and the failure of our marriage. We had a good life and a lot going for us. I feel sorry for the legacy we have given our 4 kids.

However, there has to be a better life than living with a man who thinks nothing of lying and cheating and living immorally. Enough is enough.

As far as meeting women...you will have no problem.

I never thought I would meet a man--because I am 48 with 4 kids--but I have meet two really great ones....I wasn't even looking.

You will be amazed at the wonderful people you will meet. I never flirted or anything during our 22 years of marriage--it will come back to you quickly tho. It is nice to have fun with people again.

Take care....I know this is a hard time to get through--but you will make it. You will be in my prayers. Pat

Thanks for the input folks.
I am concerned that the divorce will get ugly as reality settles in on my W. That is why I have not asked my W to stop coming to the house. Initially I liked seeing her but it appears that the less I see her, the better I can keep focused on myself and our children. In essence, plan B??

She stated that she wanted me to keep the home for our kids, at least until our youngest gets out of school which will be 4 more years. Financially, I don't know if I can. Our oldest is starting college in a month. We have now gone from having to support one home to 3 (considering college as a home away from home). Does anyone know if your child can get financial aid due to a divorce?

Next week, my wife and I are supposed to go with our daughter for oreintation at her college. This is a two day event meaning staying the night. The last it was discussed, my W does plan on attending. I think it is important for both of us to be there for our daughter but I am worried that I will lose momentum trying to make this break from my W if we spend this much time together. One day at a time I guess.

My last comment is that while I don't want a physical relationship with another female right now, I do want to be able to explain this whole mess to someone that can relate. Maybe just someone that I can pour my heart out to.

Sotired I know exactly how you feel and it's amazing at how simular our lives are. I am 39 years of age and was married 17 years to the only woman that I new. In the 17 years of marriage she had 3 affairs on me and the last one was too much for our marriage to handle. I don't think people like that can ever change. I tried to be the best husband that I could and I know that I am a good father but in the end it was not enough to save our marriage. It's almost like they can't be tied down to one person too long I don't understand it. Well I filed for divorce and I now have custody of my two kids. Yes I have custody.

I too was kind of scared to get back into the dating scene but that kind of takes care of it self it just happens naturally. Although I find myself not wanting a serious relationship for now its too early. You too will survive this you deserve to be happy also no one deserves to be treated like that. Be strong and determined to resurect your life you are still very young and have alot of life to live make the right choices now and you will find happiness down the road.

Carl

<small>[ July 11, 2002, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Carl ]</small>

sotired,
Don't worry about dating and meeting people, as Carl said, it will take care of itself. Besides, you don't want to be dating while going through a divorce because you will want to bury the pain and can end up making a mistake by marrying someone too quickly.

Get divorced, get healed, get on with life.

Since you are keeping the house for the kids, why are the kids staying with you. Go for custody. Do you want the kids meeting all these men?

When my now x first left, she would come by clean the house and grocery shop and generally just hang out. I told her it was unacceptable to just hang out and that I needed to learn how to do these things on my own.

I was fortunate that my x just wanted out of the marriage and really didn't want anything. All she took was a portion of my pension and I bought her out of the house. I refinanced the mortage, twice and went from about 8 yrs left to now 29 yrs on my mortgage, but I can afford it. I do receive $400/month in child support which helps.

If she gets her own lawyer, she can do no better than 50%. My x had her own lawyer and he actually tried to get more, but she just wanted out.

As for college, my d is 15, there is all types of finacial aid and loans.

Hang in!

I thought about custody but am doubting that I will get it. I don't want my 14 year old around these men and have stated this to my wife. She states it won't happen. I know that in the past when she was running around she did not ever bring the men into the house (at least with the kids around). As I stated, I don't want this to get ugly and going for custody would do just that.

The other thing is that while our 18 year old understands what her mother has done and is living with me, our 14 year old has stated that she still wants to live with her mother. I would love to sit her down and tell her all of the bad things that her mother has done but feel this would be the wrong thing to do. She has actually been a very good mother except for the fact that she has ruined our family.

We have talked about joint custody, but she would be the custodial parent. I will discuss with my attorney what alternatives I have if she starts whoring around in front of my daughter.

Carl, you are right. I have deduced the same thing. They can't be tied down too long. The thing that gets me is that she somehow justifies herself and continues doing it. As I have stated to her numerous times, we are two completely different people with completely different morals.

I am not really worried about the dating thing. I know it will happen and I have no intentions of rushing into it. I think what probably everyone thinks meaning if I had someone else in my life I could more easily get over the rejection. That really is the worst part of it all. But I have been in this situation before and know that is not the answer. I will divorce, I will heal, and I will get on with a better life.

Sotired,
Since your d is 14 there probably isn't much you can do custody wise as in most states, age of consent where they can choose who they live with is 14.

Go for the joint custody and don't accept minimal visitation. Hopefully your w will stay nearby. I never thought mine would, but she did and has.

My x never thought what she was doing, living with married om, was immoral either. She compared it to us living together for 6 months prior to us getting married. ONly difference was neither of us were married and there were no kids involved. She said there was nothing wrong with them living together since they were both committed to one another.

X said I only looked at things as black or white but that there are many shades of gray. So no matter what you say, she will continue to rationalize what she is doing.

hang in!
Bob

Hi Sotiredofitall.

I too am divorced from my multiple affair loving xWW and have custody of our two daughters. I was married for 14 years.

As the others here stated to you, don't worry about meeting women in the future,instead worry that you don't fall for one who is just as bad, if not worse, than your soon to be xWW. Educating yourself with the Marriage Builder concepts can go a long way in not only making yourself more attractive to the opposite sex, but in selecting a worthy companion. Willard Harley said that for years he had a succesful matchmaking business that used many of the concepts that are now part of Marriage Builders.

My divorce was two years ago, and about a year ago I met this wonderful lady who is so wonderful a person that even if we weren't in love, I would consider myself lucky to have her as my best friend. We both are beleivers in the Harley Marriage Builders principles, and are planning on getting married next year.

As for you soon to be xWW is concerned, instead of feeling angry and bitter, feel pity for her because in the end the worst betrayal she has committed has not been against you or her children, but against herself. My xWW after hitting rock bottom with her free wheeling lifestyle of one night stands with men that had prison records, finally suffered an emotional breakdown after the divorce was finalized, and has been in therapy for the last two years in order to conquer her demons. Additionally, she has told me how sorry she was for all the pain and misery she put me and our daughters thru, and that her only wish was for me to forgive her and take her back so as to make up for what she has done. Well I have forgiven her, but I also told her that I have moved on with my life and that now I have finally am happy for the first time in 15 years. It saddens me to know that she still lives alone and is fighting her long, hard battle with her demons of sexual and alcohol addictions, but I see signs that one day she may be able to heal and become the person that God intended her to be. But in no way does it mean that I'm still carrying a torch for her, because I will never forget the hell I experienced in having poorly chosen a person with a history of personal traumas. So don't worry about finding another woman to love, but do worry that you betray yourself into beleiving that a person with obvious personal problems that refuses to address them, will become your Cinderella.

I do feel pity for her as I have in the past. I have always been her rock and when I am not around, she makes horrible decisions. She told me, actually swore to me, before I found out about the current affair, that she would never do it again. She was lying through her teeth. Once I told her I knew and told her to leave, she stated that she had screwed up again. That is why she is so willing to let me keep the house, take little child support, let me have basically whatever I want, for now. I know if she starts thinking irrationally or starts talking to the wrong people, all of this will change in a heartbeat.

She has already stated that she is fine with joint custody and will let our 14 year old stay with me whenever she wants. In the past 12 days she has been with me 4 so I'm pretty happy.

I wish I would have come across this site years ago. I tried to get my W to look at it but the first thing she saw was something about how affairs are the hardest thing for anyone to get over and she abruptly quit reading.

The last line that coffee man wrote hits home big time. I never respected myself for staying with her after her last romp 7 years ago. This is part of the reason that why we were never able to get our [censored] together and grow up as a married couple. Anyway, it's good to hear from people that have been there. You guys have really helped me better focus on the big picture, which is that I am not alone and that I need to get this over with and get on with life.

Coffeeman, What's up with the caffiene thing? I actually was laughing my a$$ off when I read it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sotiredofitall:
<strong>Coffeeman, What's up with the caffiene thing? I actually was laughing my a$$ off when I read it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm glad that it made you laugh because that is it's purpose.

The Litany against Fear of Decaff is actually my caffeinated version of the Litany against Fear - sans the decaff of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> - from the late Frank Herbert's Dune series. It is a great litany to repeat to yourself if you suffer from any kind of phobia, including fear of decaff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 11, 2002, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>