OK basically in a nutshell my husband cheated on me told me - said he wanted it to work then never showed any attempts - that was October in April I found calls from the lady next door - making me think that she has been the one from the beginning - of course all I ever get is denial - they were just friends - Now supposedly he is not with anyone - He wanted a divorce - so I finally said ok fine - so we are in the process of getting divorced waiting to get a court date - He hasn't been living at home - he is getting an apartment tomorrow - Now here is the question - he has basically put me through hell since October - lied and lied and lied - yet I cannot be mad at him - I still love him and I don't really want a divorce but I know that I cannot try to keep him if he doesn't want to be there - so now here is what is going on - He calls me like everyday - comes over my house (I am keeping it - refinanced and will pay him off when youngest graduates) walks around like it is his - he hangs out with me and says that he is there to see the kids - He will call and tell me what he is doing when he isn't coming over so I don't worry about what he is doing - Now everyone thinks that I am nuts because he wants a divorce - yet I am making everything so easy for him - doing things for him etc... They think even though he is getting divorced he still has the best of both worlds because he is on his own but then can come home to his family --- I guess I was just looking at it like well we get along ok - I am not ready for someone else yet - I still love him what can it hurt for him to hang around??? But am I hurting myself in the long run?? Am I afraid to face the reality of the situation ?? Or can we really be friends even after everything he has put me through -??? Has anyone gone through a situation similar??

I don't know if you are doing it wrong. It depends what you are looking for. Are you hoping he comes back on his knees asking for forgiveness or at least that there is a shot at making the marriage work? If so you need to Plan A. Are you through with the relationship and ready to move on? If so you need to plan B. I think that is the basics anyway. You stated you don't want a divorce so I would suggest Plan A.

I am in a similar situation except this is my W's third affair. She also has moved out and continues to come home on a daily basis. Typically it is when I am at work. I have filed for a D. Initially I thought about trying to work through it but I now am starting to realize that this woman will never change. The more I am away from her the better I am able to focus on myself.

I can't say I don't love her but I will say that I am ready to move on. I have listened to others tell me what to do but ultimately it is my decision. The same goes for you. Listen to what others say but realize that they are not living your life, you are. I have found this site to be very beneficial, more so than friends or family.
From what you have stated, he is in a fog and does not know what he wants.

It will be difficult but you can get through this. Determine what YOU want and make it happen.

sotiredofitall- thank you - and I agree I need to decide what I want - I guess I am not willing to give up the fact that he may want to come home - but in reality right now I know that he isn't going to and he doesn't want to.. I guess in my heart I still am not sure how we got here or why this is happening - but your name says it all to me - I guess I am basically Plan A'ing while going through divorce - hoping that somehow he will see the light at the end of the tunnel - I am not sure I could have lived through this agony of an affair more than once.. You are very strong - My family and friends just think that I am crazy because I even talk to him but I guess that is just me. I do get angry and I do have my moments but I guess I am just sad that after 19 yrs of being together and 15 years of marriage it is all over - and I am still asking questions...... Good luck - to you - I hope someday I am ready to say I am through and move on -