I was not able to write, actually only talked to my closest freind about it. After my daughter returned from a week of vacation with STBX and with major attitude. This was the 3rd month in a row she went over her cell minutes, more than doubled the minutes this time, so I had her cell suspended. So she called Daddy on me, STBX and I had in general a mild conversation to start, then turned ugly, him not me, I stayed calm. Then I got to hear my youngest daughter call her older sister "A big fat cow who does not care about anyone in Florida except Mom" The argument between sisters is still going on and getting worse on my youngest daughters part.

My worry right now is not youngest D, she will eventually see what STBX is doing to her and her sister. The worry is me, I still loved this man... until Then. Then hate set in, and it is growing, this is not like me, I am calm with my daughter and at work but all of my thoughts of him are about the bad things he has done over the entire course of our marriage, 22yrs worth. Now I want the divorce but suddenly all my allegiance and loyalty to him are gone, I not only don't care but I can't wait until someone hurts him just as bad. I have always been protective of my girls, the fastest way to get on my bad side is to hurt my daughters. And he has done it, my oldest knows it already, that's why she won't contact him at all, the youngest is being bought by him presently, his only link for information here.

How can I just flip from love to HATE, when I just don't want to care at all. I am not like that, I have always been forgiving, too forgiving even, the biggest cause for problems was when I stood up for myself and said I did not like certain immoral things and refused to let them go on. I keep praying but now I am not sure what I am praying for even. I have wanted peace, peace of mind, hate is not peace of mind, I want to just feel nothing at all for him.

I started to feel some happiness in my life again, was starting to feel that peace but to hear my daughters upset with each other because of him, knowing that I have to be silent and wait for when my youngest realizes and the hurt that will be there just so I can be there for her at that time, just a shoulder, so she knows that she will always have one parent. But the inside of me wants to scream and scream, that he is a worthless piece of sh*t, selfish, thoughtless, dishonest, no integrity, lying, abusive, controlling.... and he wears a badge!

Pray for my daughters please.... and me. Lila

{lila},

I pray for you and your daughters.

Give God time to work in your life.
Your feelings for you H will drain...
...the longer he's away...
...I guarantee that.

In the mean time...
...take time to talk to God...
...someone you always listens!

Your duaghter will learn the truth too...
...and in the long run will love you all the more for being what you are... right now.

We can't always force the "good" or "right" things on our children...
...they have to use God's defined time...
...to learn what is the truth... and the way to live.

Give the guidance... your H has abdicated...
Live the life... you wish for your children...
...of love.

Many heartfelft prayers to you and your family.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Yes I will say a prayer today for your daughters too. Divorce is so hard on the kids, but eventually (EVENTUALLY) we grow up and see the light and the situation in reality. Your willingness to keep your mouth closed is admirable and a great way to protect your daughter(s) right now.

The bible says "foolishness is bound in the heart of a child" so there's no use in getting upset when our kids act foolish. They just don't know. Correct what you can about their behavior (I like suspending the cell phone), and leave the rest up to God.

As far as how to pray, I would pray exactly as you vented here--ask God to help you with the hatred and ask for peace of mind to the point of indifference. Your stbx sounds like a very miserable person and he has to dump his residue somewhere. You do have the right to hang up the phone when he gets unreasonable you know. You don't have to listen to his angry outbursts any more!

That's what I would do in a heartbeat. Just "click!" Hang up the phone and discuss with him when you feel calm and after HE is calm. You can set the rules now--YOUR rules. I would warn him when he is getting out of control, then I would simply hang up. You can forgive someone with the door closed on their abusive behavior. You don't have to subject yourself to further hurt.

I think you are angry because of all the hurt you have experienced. Your daughter will see it in due time. You are a loving, and patient mom. God sees and He knows and He can and will help you. Trust Him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you, I started a migraine after his call Sunday, the Dr. always said he thought they were tension headaches. It has hung on all week but last night I took some of the medication and the head is better this morning. The feelings are not, they are just as strong and this is so unlike me, I know we go thru different stages of emotion in divorce, what are they, is this the last one before peace settles in.

I just want to move forward, he is still living in the past. In denial about shoving me and how badly I was physically injured that morning and instead of taking me to the hospital, he abused his authority and badge and had me sent to jail. Then he realized and found out what he really started. They never filed charges on me, I had to many bruises, then they found out about the other injuries. Then they started an investigation on him, he says they still have not finished it and that they are breaking procedure because they are supposed to keep him informed every 30 days but he lies so much, I don't know. I wish I had never covered up for him, now I wish that I had pressed charges on him.

If I had done that, we would lose house and everything but I would still make it somehow with my daughter.

The Sun will come out tomorrow? I just want to clean my soul of this emotion. I say a prayer everynight for all of here on this board. How much we face alone, the strenth here.

Hmmm.... maybe you should deal with all the hurt and try (TRY) to forgive your stbx, THEN you can move forward. The unforgiveness will tie you to him and make you miserable. He seems like the really miserable one to me with all sorts of problems that he needs to resolve. You are on your road to healing because you want to let it go. I think you'll get there. One day at a time, one minute at a time. Don't give up on yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I really wish I had an answer. But I can understand exactly what you mean. My H has been gone since Mar 01 and divorce should be final next month. He came by this morning to take son to school and since he's been gone, I've walked around saying "I hate him" " I hate him" "I hate him".. I know what you mean when you say it's not your nature to hate. It's not mine either. I don't really think it's as much hatred as just pure anger.

I made some comments to him this morning that I'mn not real proud of which stem from the hatred I feel too. The last one being that if he doesn't want to hear what I have to say, I would suggest that he stay out of my house because I no longer felt I had to stay quiet to keep the peace.

I hate that he makes me feel like a total B**ch. It is not my nature. Your post really hit home and I'm sorry I've gone off on my situation rather than offering you advice. I just don't have any other than this is an emotional process. We've all been through the ups and downs and yes, it sucks. Months ago, there was a great post about the greiving process or the steps to healing, something like that. Just know that what you are feeling is normal. It is ok to be angry sometimes, we are human. However, what we do with that anger makes or breaks us. We have to find a way to deal with it, and learn to forgive. In my case, I forgave H for affair. I just haven't been able to forgive his continual lying and disrespect for my feelings. Some day I will. In the meantime, I do my absolute best to pray earnestly for God to take the anger and hurt away. I know that I've done all I could and like you I only want what is best for my children.

I sincerely wish you God's peace and comfort. Just remember that Love is a powerful emotion too.

Love God, love yourself and love your children.

PP

my X abused the badge, A on the job was covered by Chief of police his best friend. X tried to get MOW to have me arrest because I was in fl talking to her H, we live in al. chief tried using the sheriff office but they wouldnt do it. another woman was her friend & co-worker that I have never met filed & got a warrant it was never served, x got her to cancell it, x later told me he slept with her too. Our son has been hurt the most by A, dad was once his hero now he only sees him as someone who dumped his mom & slept with another mans wife. hated X for a long time then one day it stopped. It was time to go on with my life. going to church, keeping busy, being with friends & family has helped me. X is so full of hate guess he is not happy these days. X looks so tired & older these days hate will do that if you dont let go. Keep busy dont think about him. both X and chief lost their jobs over the coverups. they should have been fired but just told to find another job.

M-17 yrs, 9 months
D-5-23-02
H-42 W-48
C-13, 28, 7 gr d

MOW-29 yrs
D-pending
M-10 yrs.
C-3 under 10

Good Morning All, feeling better today. The emotions are not as sharp and not taking up all my thoughts. Actually feels more like a heavy sadness. I do worry about my girls but I will stay strong and be there when they need me. I just want the divorce and no more connections.

I also realized that his last stmt referred to me hitting him that morning after I was injured, he said "the last 3 months have been nice not being hit". He's right, for over 3 months, I have not been shoved, shouldered or elbowed and I have not been tied up with rope against my will and forced to submit to his wishes. There is a screw left in the wall that he forgot to remove where he used to tie the rope to, I am leaving it there for now as a reminder to myself that my wishes deserve respect and no means no.

My psychologist said that I have been verbally and physically abused for a long time and I was starting to recognize it and standing up for myself, he took it as losing control over me and the top blew off. He tried to convince me that I was a bad influence on our daughters but I realized that my daughters are who they are because of me, not him, he was never around except to yell and ask for food service. My girls are good, they know right and wrong, compassionate, giving, fair (except with each other sometimes) AND they stand up for themselves.

I keep praying for all of us, everyday will get better. Love to all, Lila