A few days ago my wife told me that she was ready to file divorce papers and that I should retain an attorney. We have been married for 20 years. She is 47; I am 49. We have a son, 13, and a daughter, 10. My wife's announcement was the culmination of a process that began in mid-March when my wife told me she was unhappy in our marriage and asked me to leave. I was shocked and devastated. I realized that I had many faults and her announcement galvanized me into addressing them. I began taking antidepressants (I probably had been clinically depressed for several years). I began individual therapy to help me with my depression. I reduced my workaholic ways (from 60+ hr/week to 40-45) and spent much time at home, doing domestic chores and spending time with our children. I have had many sessions with Steve Harley, and have been doing a solid Plan A. I eliminated LB's pretty darn well and worked hard to meet as many of my wife's ENs and she would allow. And during the last four months, my wife and I have spent many pleasant times together (recreation, drinks out, dinners out, movies, in addition to family activities).

In mid-April, my wife reiterated her belief that our marriage should end. I told her about Marriage Builders and she agreed to defer a decision until she read Love Busters and His Neeeds Her Needs. She even had a session with Steve, but she declined invitations for joint sessions or even additional individual sessions.

On June 8, she said the marriage was over. She said she would consult an attorney. By July 8 she had done so and announced her intention to file.

I asked her to consider marriage counseling before filing. I proposed 6 sessions as an experiment. Maybe she would feel better then. Or maybe she would be convinced that divorce is the answer. Then at least she would be able to tell the kids that we tried our best to keep the family together. She said that she could not see even a glimmer of hope, and therefore refused. (She said that if she were to agree to counseling, she would prefer Marriage Builders.)

I was able to persuade her to put the divorce papers on hold and instead have an informal separation. I have leased an apartment near our home and will move in August. We are in the process of discussing financial and parenting arrangement. The discussions are amicable, so much so that we decided that we might continue them over dinners out (to get away from the kids). In fact, my wife seems much more relaxed, happy, even mildly affectionate - more like her old self.

The children do not know. My wife plans to tell them the unvarnished truth - that she is the one who is unhappy and has decided to divorce. I dread that day.

Why is my wife doing all this? Well, she has only made two statements by way of explanation. (1) "I do not love you anymore and I am 47 years old." (2) "After my mother died [9 months ago] I started thinking about my life. I felt feelings that I had suppressed for years. I have been miserable for 20 years. I do not want to live like this anymore."

I don't want to live like this anymore either. But I do not want to end our marriage and I do not understand why my wife sees me as the cause of her unhappiness. I would like to support her efforts to become happy. And I categorically reject her claim that she has been miserable for 20 years. This is revisionist history.

We live in a no-fault state. If my wife alleges irreconcilable differences and I agree, we are granted a divorce pronto. If I disagree, then we must separate for one year before the divorce is granted. I told my wife that I cannot agree that our differences are irreconcilable, and therefore it will take a least a year to divorce. She accepts this.

I believe that my wife may be depressed and she sure seems to be sufferring from a midlife crisis (for lack of a better term). I am hoping that, as time passes, the fog will lift and she will reconsider her decision to divorce. I am hoping that she will not like the new life she's created - that she will miss me and feel guilty about the children's pain. Therefore, I am avoiding animosity at all costs. I want to keep the path to reconciliation free of obstructions. I've told my wife that I disagree with her decision, but that I accept it and will try to do the things that will make her and the kids as happy as possible under the circumstances. We are in basic agreement about the immediate financial and parental matters, although we have not worked out the fine details of the parenting. I really do not anticipate any difficulties in these matters.

My wife and I still are enjoying time together. Yesterday we went on a 10-mile bike ride and, afterwards, to a housewarming party. Of course I am confused by the juxtaposition of these pleasant "dates" and her intractable position on divorce.

I love my wife and my children, and I desperately want to restore her love for me and raise our children in an intact family. Can this divorce be stopped?

I won’t be able to consult with Steve for two weeks (he’s booked up). Can any MB veterans advise me as to how I should behave in this new phase of my ordeal? I am inclined to say that I should continue with Plan A, but I do not know where to draw boundaries. For example, once I move out, should I perform domestic chores (e.g., yard work, household repairs) at the family home - or let my wife experience her "new life" on her own?

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: DistressedHusband ]</small>

Cut the marriage by 9 years and you have my story wrapped up.

I am sorry for your loss. I also have exactly the same situation with a few variations. I wish that my wife would consider separation though. She just wants out, and if there was a divorce vending machine she would have it by now.

I wish I had words of wisdom, but they would be false because I just posted much the same post.

Hang in there and post when you need help. I will do the same, who knows, just maybe we can both get through this thing, however it ends up.

Take care, love life, your children, and do good work. Never leave your fate up to luck.

Thanks for your support. My wife and I are on the most friendly of terms now. It is very interesting. I think I know how to behave while I am still living in our house, but next month I move to an apartment. Should I leave my wife alone or continue to invite her to do things with me? Should I come over and cut the grass, etc? What would you do if you were in my position?

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: DistressedHusband ]</small>

DH,

Please don't take this as demeaning. But....just by the information you gave, I would venture to say that there is more than meets the eye.

I speak from experience. My STBXW walked in one day and out of the blue after 14 years said almost the EXACT things. I was shocked and stunned.

Well, I knew in my heart that SOMETHING wasn't right. There had to be something causing her to feel this way. Then, 3 days later, I found out. Her A. One that had been ongoing for 2 years.

I would have SWORN that she would NEVER do that. I would have believed that Kansas had an oceanview before I thought she was feeling something for someone else.

Maybe in your case there isn't. Only you know ALL the facts. But...don't rule out ANYTHING.

Like I said, I neither know you nor your entire situation, other than what you have posted. So....I could very well be wrong. If so, I apologize.

But.....I have read MANY posts here that were the same. And quite a few were stunned at the least to find the real truth.

Keep us posted.

hcii

DH:

Um... ...why are you the one that has to move out? Suggest to her that she move out and you stay with the kids. OR, suggest that the M stay together, and you work with Cs on identifying your problems.

hcii's suggestion is a good one. See if you can determine whether there's an OM in her life. Otherwise, I have a hard time understanding why she would be so happy to be with you and at the same time want a DV.

hcii:

"I would have believed that Kansas had an oceanview before I thought she was feeling something for someone else."

It did... ...but not recently, and there would have been Icthyosaurs and Sauropods in it, not bathing beauties <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sorry for the humor if it's not appreciated, guys.

All my best

I must admit DH, as close as my story it to yours, the absolute truth is that I too thought that my wife would never have an affair.

I know that she ended up having at least one PA and 2 other EA and I think that there was probably another PA, but I don't have any information, just the fact that I went to a medical meeting and called home. No one answered. I became frantic because I couldn't get ahold of my family for two days. I ended up calling her best friend who went to my house and had to open the garage door with the code I gave her. Inside was my two children and a young babysitter who was told not to answer the phone.

When I finally got ahold of my wife, she said that she had gone on a last minute trip to Louisville with a friend. I was furious for her leaving the kids like that and couldn't believe it. But I NEVER EVEN thought that she may have been having an affair until just the other day. This all occurred over 18 months ago. So just a word about this kind of behavior that seems to make no sense. I would never have thought it before, but it jumps right into my mind now.

When nothing makes sense and there seems like there is something you are missing. You probably are; missing the other guy.

I obviously don't know, but I was posting here in January and people kept saying, sounds like an affair, and I just couldn't believe it. Well, they turned out to be right. So many times over.

Take care, love life, your children, and do good work. Never leave your fate up to luck.

DH,
Since you are in Plan A, continue to do things around the house like cut grass, etc. do anything to make yourself look good in her eyes.

I agree with the others about why are you leaving. She is the one that is unhappy in the home. The downside is if she is having an affair then she has a place for it.

I have to agree with the others about the possibility of some type of affair. There are very few if any here whose spouse just walks out. It does sound like she is having a MLC.

Good Luck and hang in!

I appreciate everyone's concern about the possibility of an affair. I have worried about this, too. I asked my wife several times in the early going, and she angrily denied it. Of course I realize that most wayward spouses do deny affairs even in the face of pretty good evidence. Still, that doesn't mean she isn't telling the truth. And I see no point in pressing the issue because it really wouldn't change my behavior.

Why am I moving out? Well, I did suggest to my wife that she should leave. After all, she is the one who wants a new life whereas I am committed to restoring love and happiness to the "old" life. But she was ready to file papers asking for a court hearing on temporary custody. She would have won. The adversarial process would have been full of LBs. Everyone - my wife, my children, even me - is better off if I can accept the inevitable and keep things civil. And by voiding animosity at all costs, I keep the path to reconciliation open. My wife may never take a step down that path, but if she ever is tempted, I want it to be free of obstacles.

During the last week, my wife and I have had several productive converstations about parenting and financial matters. We in agreement about the terms of our informal separation, and I doubt that I would have gotten any better deal through the legal system. (Of course, we will have to deal with the legal system to formalize the dissolution of the marriage.)

DH:

"I appreciate everyone's concern about the possibility of an affair. I have worried about this, too. I asked my wife several times in the early going, and she angrily denied it. Of course I realize that most wayward spouses do deny affairs even in the face of pretty good evidence. Still, that doesn't mean she isn't telling the truth. And I see no point in pressing the issue because it really wouldn't change my behavior."

You have the right attitude. It really does not matter, except that ultimately you may need truth. You certainly deserve it. However, her reaction to your asking whether she is having an A is very telling. It's far more likely that, if she WERE NOT having an A, she would have been a bit more understanding of the hurt that would cause you if true, and she'd be somewhat inclined to allay your fears. By getting angry, she's making it clear that she has something to hide, and it's likely an A of some kind. I'm not saying that's what it is, but just to be aware that it's a strong possibility.

"Why am I moving out? Well, I did suggest to my wife that she should leave. After all, she is the one who wants a new life whereas I am committed to restoring love and happiness to the "old" life. But she was ready to file papers asking for a court hearing on temporary custody. She would have won. The adversarial process would have been full of LBs."

So don't be adversarial. Just don't give in. Don't move out. Don't sign DV papers. Do get a lawyer! and be prepared.

"Everyone - my wife, my children, even me - is better off if I can accept the inevitable and keep things civil. And by voiding animosity at all costs, I keep the path to reconciliation open."

There is much truth to this. But being reluctant to agree to a DV or moving out is NOT the cause of any animosity on her part. Her ACTIONS are the source.

"My wife may never take a step down that path, but if she ever is tempted, I want it to be free of obstacles."

Again, I don't think you're an obstacle, though she may think you are. She's going to have to make difficult choices no matter what she does or what her reasons for her behavior are. I just don't think you're doing her any favors by complying with her desire to have YOU move out.

"During the last week, my wife and I have had several productive converstations about parenting and financial matters. We in agreement about the terms of our informal separation, and I doubt that I would have gotten any better deal through the legal system. (Of course, we will have to deal with the legal system to formalize the dissolution of the marriage.)"

Ultimately, it's your life and your decisions. We aren't giving "advice" here, just suggestions. I'm just not sure you're getting the best "deal" possible without all the facts. Her reasons for separation or DV are NOT clear. Until they are, you don't have all the pieces of the puzzle or tools to "fix" the problem. She won't win, either, by running away from whatever it is.

Take care,