There has been affairs in the past in my marriage to my H. He has cheated on me 3 times that I know of and I once. I have since decided to open my life to him to save my marriage, he on the other hand continues to have personal private friendships with other women. I have voiced my disapproval of these friendships and asked him to discontinue them, but he refuses to change. We are now separated, but still married. He has been in contact with a girl he spent time with while deployed to Korea for a year with the military. Even though we are separated, it still bothers me that he is communicating with this woman and so frequently. She calls him almost every day sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. He claims it is nothing but friendship, but I have a very strong suspicion that their relationship goes deeper than that and maybe even that they were intimate while in Korea. He denies it, but my feelings are strong. I asked him to stop his communication with her, but he has not. I have called her and left messages asking her to call me, so we could talk about the nature of her relationship with my husband, but she has not responded making me even more suspicious of their relationship. All this makes me feel even more strongly that my husband is lying to me and although it shouldn't bother me since we are separated and waiting for divorce papers to be drawn up, it bothers me very much. Am I making too much out of this? Or should I call it a duck because it looks like a duck? I need help from a Christian perspective. My emotions are getting away with me. Help!!!!!!!!!!!

Godsgirl1,

No you are not making too much out of this. Your H’s relationship with this woman at least what is called an emotional affair. And as you stated, maybe a physical one.

One of the tests for this is that his relationship with the woman means more to him then his relationship with you. He is not concerned with your feelings on this matter.

Have you read any of the Marriage Builder’s books? Surviving an Affair is a good one to start with in your situation. In the book, Dr. Harley discusses the rules of a healthy marriage… time, honesty, care and protection.

Your H’s relationship with the woman breaks all of those rules.

The time he spends with her should be spent with you.
He is not being honest about the relationship to you.
By continuing a relationship with another woman he is not take care of you or protecting you.

Emotional affairs are often more dangerous to a marriage then purely physical affairs. Our minds and emotions are far more involved then the physical part. It’s easier to walk a way from a person who only provides recreational sex then it is to walk way from someone who has us engaged mentally and emotionally (we call that love).

It may be best if you stop contacting this woman. She knows what she is doing and obviously does not care. Anything she would say to you would only be for the purpose of expanding her relationship with your husband. And your talking to her gives her too much power. This is not a competition. You are not competing with this woman no matter how much you think you may be.

In stead your issues are with your husband. He is the one who should be caring and protecting you. It is the fact that he is not do this that is breaking up your marriage, not the fact that she exists. Just ignore her.. she is.. (well I will not get into my opinion of a person who would do what she is doing. It’s not a good one.)

Have you read any of the MB material and plan A’ed? Just wondering.

ou are probably right Zorweb, He just isn't committed to this relationship anymore. I have had to come to that difficult realization. I won't contact the woman anymore, I guess no good can come of it, she would probably lie to protect herself anyway (if indeed there is something going on between her and my H). As I stated we are separated and he is almost 9 hours away from both me and her, so if they do have something going on now, it is purely through communication, but I don't know if anything happened prior to his moving. Anyway, Ihave read "His needs Her needs, but no, I have not Plan A'd yet. I have to look over the beginning stuff to find out what that means. Thanks for your reply. It feels good to have confirmation for what I have been feeling. My H makes me feel as though I am crazy for feeling this way, like something is wrong with me, I am too paranoid or jealous or something. Thanks again.

This might seem a little silly but, I watched Dr. Phil one day.......he was talking to a couple about the husband's friendship with OW. He basically said that if the H couldn't have this friendship and what was being said.....in front of his wife then it was an affair. Kind of maid a little sense to me. Could your H say the things that he might be saying to her in front of you?

Not sure if this really made much sense.

Max

Feelingsoalone, I know what you mean and you make a lot of sense. I don't know what they talk about everyday, but I have a very strong feeling, that he wouldn't feel comfortable saying the same things in front of me, that he probably says to her when he is alone in his own apartment. Being separated by so much distance makes it that much harder for me to monitor anything and really know what is going on, I have no real proof, so my lawyer won't consider it at all, and I can't get proof either, because he is 600 miles away right now. Thanks for your input.

New at this but here it goes
M/12 years 7/25/2002
H left 6/14/2002
2 kids 10 and 11 yrs.
34 years old
surviving, but very depressed and scared.