I need help, prayers, I was served the D papers today, he has done nothing but say that I was going to make it ugly, I just want it over. These papers have set up an ugly tone, he named the domestic violence charge that was no filed, no charges were ever filed against me. I was severly injured by him but did not have a witness and he is a cop, I did not want to ruin his career. AND he wants primary custody of our daughter. I was ready to just sit down and split things up but now everything that was kept out of public records was now put in it. I don't think I will lose my daughter, I did ask her if she wanted to live with Dad, if she does I would let her (with a lot of worry because of his proclivity for hard core porn and more!) I have the "bag" that contains the ropes and things he used to tie me up with, I also have a letter from him referring to how "shocked" the sherrif's department must have been when they saw the contents. I also have copies from the computer of the porn and chats and emails from and to him from different women. My cell phone bill shows my calls to safespace last October and I have a copy again from the internet where he looked up being an abused law enforcement officer in November after he found out that I called safespace.

Do I have a chance, I don't want to lose my daughter, especially after he got sexually excited over an explicit cyberchat that our oldest daughter had last year. I was concerned about it, talked with him first and then had a talk with her. An hour later, he came home on duty for a performance in uniform. In 22 years he had never done that on duty before and it makes me sick.

I did not want to get nasty but he is even demanding that the house be sold and split and he has increased the value to suit him. The house is only worth about $105K he wants $135K. If the house is sold, I won't have enough for another home and neither will he. My attorney is supposed to be excellent, her name makes him mad.

Please any suggestions, recommendations, it really worries me that he could get her. He abused his authority and used it against me, when he was the one who lost control and shoved me that day. I have tried to keep my daughter out of the middle of this, now they will question her about that morning again and it did not even have to be brought up. Can my attorney help me change my statement to the dept. I was on some pretty heavy pain medication when they interviewed me and had me sign an agreement to not press charges on him. Please God Help Me!

About him mentioning the domestic violence… ask your attorney to counter this charge on the record. Your attorney can hint that this one incident was only one of many in which your husband was the perpetrator. He/she can send a letter to your H’s attorney asking that the name calling be called off as it does not help anyone and escalating the case to this level will only serve to make the attorneys more money.

RE: ” I was severly injured by him but did not have a witness and he is a cop, I did not want to ruin his career.”

Hind site is 20/20. I did this with my ex-husband too. He is a doctor. I thought he hurting his career would not help my son or me any. But maybe if I’d called the police just once, early on, it would have never escalated to the point it did.

What I found is that I was able to get across to the courts and the custody evaluators that my son and I were afraid of him. When the evaluators watched our son with my ex-h it became very clear that there was a big problem. Our son was afraid.. they put that in their report.

As for loosing your daughter, get your attorney to force a custody evaluation and push for 50/50. They will bring in people who will go an evaluation. I’ve seen many cases where these evaluators do a great job. It was scary to leave the decisions about my son’s custody up to them but in the end they arrived at what was going on. It sounds like your H has quite a temper. The courts look out for the best interest of your child, they will not want to separate her from either of you. In my case I pushed for 50/50, the evaluators made is 70/30 in my favor and told my ex-h that if he wanted any more time with our son he had to do counseling to improve their relationship. He ended up doing 2 years of it before they gave him one more day every other week. Believe me if you force the courts to things like a full blown evaluation.

Be sure to bring up your H’s use of hard-core porn. This is would not be a good environment for your daughter. I’m confused? Did you H tie you up with your consent? Or did he do that the time he hurt you? And did the sheriff’s department see the bag?

Be sure the keep the bag and get photos of the contents. Then keep then in a safe place. Then make a portfolio of his ‘stuff to include the computer files. While the judge may or may not want to see that stuff, the evaluators may take a look at it and get a better picture of who he is. I had photos of the windows and furniture my ex-h broke in his tirades. And then my son described what his father did so the evaluators were very concerned.

Just knowing you are going to play hard ball may get him to back down. And if he gets intimidating at all get a restraining order against him. He’s hurt you badly at least once. You are in danger. Please take it seriously. Sounds like he’s on a power trip.

Yes you have a chance but you are going to have to play hard ball. Not like a steamroller. Just firm and truthful. And put the evidence out there. It will speak for itself.

What is a performance in uniform? How old is your oldest daughter? Will she testify to his behavor in the chat incident… or at least tell the custody evaluators?
As for the house valuation. Just ask for an independent appraisal. He cannot make you pay one penny over that. Right now the economy is slow. In most places houses are not moving. Your attorney can probably get something that will allow you to live in the house until your children are grown or at least for some time longer. Is this the only community asset you have? What is the principle still owed on the house? Perhaps you could trade off something else so that you can keep the house.

Remember that anything that you and he cannot settle on the judge will settle. So if you have a good attorney, she will put what is reasonable in your request for settlement and in the end the judge will do what is reasonable.

It’s always good when your attorney sets off a manipulative spouse. Let your attorney handle this, just by doing her job she may be able to insight him to do some pretty stupid things that will show the courts what he is really like. That happened with my ex. It was hilarious.

I suggest that you and your children get into counseling right away. Your getting help in improving your self and helping your children will go a long way in your favor. And be sincere about it.

If anyone questions your daughter about that morning it will be a counselor. How old is your daughter? If she is young they will probably use play therapy and non threatening methods like that. A good counselor or pediatric forensic interviewer can do that. If they want to ask her, insist on that.

Do you have proof that you were on heavy medication when they had you sign the agreement to not press charges? And why did they have you sign that? Who is they? Boy that is really wrong. Discuss this with your attorney, legal aid, the woman’s shelter etc. I think that you can put anything you want in record.

From your post it seems that you are afraid right now. Take a few deep breaths. Discuss this with your attorney and everyone else you can think of. It will help you get a plan.

In my experience, the courts are very used to people doing and saying pretty ugly things about each other when a divorce starts. So don’t stoop to his level. You can play hardball without loosing your dignity. The courts are not interested in taking your child away from you. They are interested in keeping both of you involved in their lives.

So start now getting the help that is needed to make all of you a healthy family, even if it is a divorced family. Just keep telling yourself and everyone else that that is your plan. It is the only one that makes sense.

You may even want to write your H a letter (pass it by your attorney first) telling him that your are saddened by his trying to hurt you in the divorce to his degree, that it is not necessary, neither of you will gain from this and in the end your children will suffer the most. Use this to set your tone. Then follow this tone through the entire thing.

Hang in there, take a lot of deep breaths, do things that are good for you, build a strong support system (supportive friends, attorney, counselor, family doc, etc). Time can do a lot to calm it all down.

Z,
Thank you, this morning it took an even worse turn, he called me and he knew that I was with my girlfriend for coffee. This time I made a formal written complaint, read on:

**July 14th, 2002

Sheriff Dept

Official Complaint of harassment by H

On July 14th, 2002 I received 4 possibly 5 calls on my cell phone from H at phone number xxx-xxx-. I answered the first call at 7:53 AM, the other phone calls I refused to answer and the last one was received at 8:07 AM. I was at friends home at St, , all the calls were witnessed by her. I also showed Sgt. the call log on my cell phone showing the calls were incoming. The initial conversation was about the service of some civil papers that do not involve myself or my children. I told Mr. H that the only papers I had been served with were the divorce papers and that he would need to make contact with my attorney for information in the future. Mr. H continued to harass me about the civil papers because the Sheriff was harassing him for these documents and I must know where they are and that he was breaking policy by not turning them over to the Sheriff. I told Mr. H that he should follow up on those documents but it had nothing to do with me or the children and he should contact my attorney for any other information. At this point Mr. H was getting angry and started making accusations that I was hiding these civil papers and that I was going to make everything difficult and threaten his job. He did leave a voice mail on my cell phone making a similar statement but in a nicer tone because he knew I would save it. The process server did come to residence to serve, however I informed him that H no longer resided here and I do not know his physical address, however, he is a Deputy for the Sheriff Department and could be contacted there.

This is not the first time that I have received harassing phone calls from Mr. H, on June 8th or 15th I initiated contact with Mr. H about taking our daughter to Dr. and wanted his support because of the amount of anger she was experiencing. When the conversation turned angry I left. Approximately 20 minutes later I was with friend when Mr. H called my cell phone and I received threats from Mr. H that he was going to have me charged with felonies from the March 23rd, 2002 incident at our home. (During that incident Mr. H claimed that I had taken his department pager and the T-shirt. Sgt. , Deputy and another Deputy were present and searched our home and were not able to locate either item. I was taken to the jail and according to my daughter after Sgt and the deputies left, Mr. H showed her where he found the department pager next to the computer in the Master Bedroom. I did not know what happened to either of these items and told Sgt. and the deputies the same before we left the house. ) I hung up my cell phone and friend witnessed my cell phone being called from xxx-xxx for at least 8 - 10 times. Even friend made the statement that that was irritating.

On Sunday , July 7th, 2002, Mr. H again started calling me, he left messages on my cell phone wanting to know about the civil lawsuit filed against him. Again, I do know about this case and I am not involved nor the children. I refused to answer my phone, so Mr. H called my friend,

Page 2
Attachment _ A
July 14th, 2002
Sheriff Department

on her cell phone and had her put me on the phone with him, again the phone call ended unpleasantly with Mr. H making references to March 23rd, 2002.

The Standing Temporary Domestic Relations Order for the Nineteenth Circuit filed on July 11th, 2002 by Mr. H states in part 4. MUTUAL RESTRAINING ORDER. Both parties are directed to refrain from physical, verbal, or any other form of harassment of the other, including but not limited to acts done in person or by telephone, at their residence or at work.

I do not contact Mr. H about anything except our daughters, the first time by e-mail when I asked Mr. H to please leave the children out of the middle of our problems. He was asking our youngest daughter when we were going to move out of the residence and this was causing her a lot of stress. I have saved those e-mails and I can produce copies. One time in person about her Doctor and one time to tell him that my biopsy results were not cancer as Dr. had initially suspected. Even on that call he was yelling at me that the truck had broken down and had cost him over $200 to fix.

I have never wanted to hurt Mr. H or his career, I had always supported and respected his occupation and even refused to press charges against Mr. H several times for the March 23rd incident, I even asked Deputy to make sure that Mr. H was not contacted when the house was broken into. However, the harassing phone calls and threats that are being made to me must stop. I am seeing a psychologist, Dr. , because of emotional and physical abuse that I have received from Mr. H since the spring of 1999, Dr. has told me that I am healthy and that I am doing the right things for my children and myself. My only objective is to stay emotionally stable and healthy for my children and myself and to have peace in my life."

Approximately 1 hour after this complaint was turned over to the Sgt., H called my girlfriends phone and told her that he knew she was a witness and that I had turned in a 2 page complaint on him. And the Sgt. told me that it had to go to an administrative desk first and they would not be in until Monday but somehow H got to see the complaint or was told about it being 2 pages. Again when he called her he knew that I was with her because the Sgt picked up the complaint from her house.

He claims that he had to put the domestic violence in there so he would not get charged with abandonment and his attorney made him do it. Yes, I have the bag and I kept all the original documents from the computer, heck, he forgot the screw in the wall that he used to tie the rope to. The oldest is 18 and she lives out of state, the youngest is 15 and with me, she is close to both of us and does not want to choose between us and I don't bring that up as an issue to her at all.

OMG,

Your H is out of control. He had his deputy friends search your home without a warrant? And then the hauled you in? He and his friends are definitely out of line with the use of their authority.

Please protect yourself. Filing a complaint is a good idea. There is a restraining order, neither of you is ever supposed to talk to the other. Get a set statement for any time he calls in the future. Something like “If this is about our divorce, call my attorney, for anything else email me. There is a restraining order we cannot talk.”

This way he cannot then come back and say that you called him or you harassed him in those phone calls. And if he emails you, you have a record of what he is saying.

Your children are old enough that you really do not need to speak to his man. They can handle their contact with their dad on their own. The little bit of contact you do need can go through email. I have done this with my ex-H since Jan 1997. It’s worked wonderfully. I’ve shown the stacks of emails and letters twice… once when he was telling a lie to his counselor about me harassing him and my abilities to parent. The second time was when he sued me for custody again 2 years after our divorce was final. In both cases the parties were able to draw their own conclusions about who was doing what to whom. It was pretty clear from the correspondence. And, since he learned that his written word was public record, he cleaned up his act. He’s much nicer now (lol). We can even talk once in a while and he does not verbally attack me.

Do realize that the more you try to take control of your life and not allow him to abuse you, the more aggressive he will get. It’s of particular concern that he has involved his friends in uniform and that they are willing to do this.

RE: “He claims that he had to put the domestic violence in there so he would not get charged with abandonment and his attorney made him do it.”

In that letter I suggested that your attorney write to his attorney… have her include a statement that H is has told you that his attorney made him put false or inflamitory charges in the divorce papers to protect H from charges of abandonment. What a crock.. does your state even charge people for abandonment? I doubt it, most states have no fault divorce laws. Most courts do not give a hang who is doing what to whom. They just want the divorce done quickly and cleanly without being drug through crap. My bet is that your h made his attorney do this because he thought it would protect him. Or his attorney is not very good. Some attorney’s stir the pot to run up the cost of a divorce… this is working here.

I’m sorry but you’ve got me very concerned. I’m not sure I understand what you are saying here. That time he hurt you badly. Did he tie you up and beat you? If he did, please call the battered woman’s (person’s) hot line and get some advice and help from them. You need a record of this. And keep a log. Handwritten and dated in a bound book holds up best in court. Start it by detailing the incident in which he hurt you.

You may want to advise your friend to cut off any phone calls from him if he is harassing her too.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

People only see the badge & how honest police are to be hold such a position. This story is changing with all the videos of cop abuse. X had sex while working in small town, chief of police covered for guys( at this time no women were allowed on force) X stealing money from wallet that was turned into him, cost his best friend who is Chief his job, he wasnt fired just told to find another job city didnt want any lawsuits, he now has a state job overseeing Police complaints in Al. There was a written police report made against a blackman who the lady thought stole the wallet, Im not sure if the man was ever charged, the lady doesnt know the truth about her money. X & chief tried to do everything to have me arrested he thought it would make him look good in our D. This cost him his true friends who never knew he could go so low. X lied about everything in court. Everytime I called x about our son he told his lawyer that I was threating him, dont contact your H he will use it against you. The tactics X was trying to make backfired with friends & co-workers, the Judge didnt believe it either. Your D is old enough to make up her mind who she wants to live with most states its either 12 or 13. our son is scared of his dad & cant talk to him, son comes home upset & talks to me. X controled his family by yelling at us I now know this was a form of mental abuse. OW H has told me X has started this with his 3 sons trying to control them. It is no way to live in fear each day with not pleasing him. contact a Domestic Abuse Officer in your town. Your X is out of control. My Dr had ask me if anyone could be poisoning me because test were coming back Ok & they could not find anything wrong with me that would cause numbness & burning in both hands,arms, legs,feet, blurred vision. At the time H told me the A just started, I now know that it begin 1 yr before my sickness. A few weeks after I quit drinking the coffee H was bring me home I got better it was so thick it was making me sick to drink, H told me he was opening the machine & holding back water because he thought I liked it that way. All but the numbness in both hands is gone. 6 months into his A he took me to upgrade our life insurance polices to 100,000. I should have had blood test that could pick up heavy metal but at the time I was like you. I didnt want to hurt his career & I still loved him & wanted our M to work. I will always wonder if he tried to hurt me & pray he doesnt do anything to our son. Keep a book with times & dates H calls & what was said. Believe me you wont remember later, this will help your lawyer. Keep busy, I repainted our house, redid floor just to take my mind off H. You will find peace it will take time. went back to church after 18 years, X wouldnt go & didnt want me to. My pastor & new friends made at church have helped me get on with my life. X can no longer control me, I feel sorry for OW children their lives will be living hell with X.

M-17 yrs 9 months
C-13, 28, 7 gd
D-5-23-02
H-42, W-48

MOW-29
C- 3 under 10
D-judge needs signing
M-10 years

Hi, I have not heard anything yet about my complaint but H was working a road construction detail less than a mile from the house tonight. I passed him on my way home from work. It also bothers me about how he told my friend that she was a witness and then "acted concerned about me" he is trying to get information and I am not giving it except to my attorney and then the courts. The dept. does not realize how much he talks about how bad they are because they keep passing him over for Sgt. or they promoted a female that he didn't like so "she must have done it on her knees or no she didn't have to she is to short". He has no respect for anyone, even his closest friend he had to tell me how he and his wife both had affairs on each other because I admired how hard his friend worked on his marriage. He has spoken derogatorily about everyone on the dept. I think he has a Narcissitic Personality Disorder, a very inflated version of himself and it is way out of hand, he thinks he can do anything to anyone. But he is smart enough to play the "I am so concerned" however friends have started to pick up on it and are even getting concerned for my safety now.

This is a no fault state, he wants it ugly because he thinks I won't fight back and he will come out looking good, but I have the best attorney and she is mean too, and as of yesterday I am fighting back, legally! I have all the records that he thinks I burned (I felt bad when I did not burn the originals but something inside me made me keep them secured, now glad I did) and I have the ropes that he used on me. The records I have show him talking to women and tying them up as well, along with several account numbers he used for special chats with special names like cuffs&shackles, lord roper, etc. and the emails to the woman he was seeing locally.

When he put the domestic violence in the divorce papers it became public record, now I face losing my daughter and I will defend it, when it was no filed, I didn't have to use the Dr.'s report or the X-rays, now I will. Also he deserted us 7 times between 99 and 2000 and he stayed with people each time, so I can use that as well. Since I have been served, he can't withdraw them again and this time I won't let them because they are already public record here.

I just keep praying and the Lord keeps me moving everyday. It was strange though because I still feel that filing the complaint is the first right decision that I have made concerning him. I am no longer the mat that he can wipe his feet on.

Lila,

I am going to pray for you, pray that it does not get as ugly as you are afraid it will.

Several years ago I accompanied a friend of mine to court. Her divorce was getting very ugly as her H kept attacking her as yours is you.

She went prepared to defend herself. In the court room, she started to defend herself. The judge stopped her and said that she did not need to defend herself. He then chewed out her H for being such a creep and trying to drag her through the mud. Then the judge set about settling the property division equitable. The hearing took an entire half hour. Their only son had just turned 18 so there were no custody issues.

I hope you find a judge who is as insightful and hers was.

In the meantime do what you are doing.. protect yourself and distance yourself from all of this. Remember that we hired attornies to handle the crap in our lives. Let your attorney handle most of the grief. You take care of yourself.