Hi...My H has intiated separation after my trying Plan A for 9 months so I'm in process of Plan B & Tough Love. I supported him -monetarily, emotionally and career-wise - while he got his undergraduate, graduate, and now doctorate. He's begun his dissertation (where he met the OW while going to school out of state). Does anyone know how much consideration can be given to this aspect of our marriage in regards to separation & divorce financial settlement and/or agreements? Any insight you have would be appreciated. I won't be able to see a lawyer for another week.

All my thoughts on this come from what I've heard from friends and family, and a few things I've read on the internet.

It sounds like your input would be considered in this situation. You didn't mention if you had any children. It would probably weigh even heavier if there were children. I don't know exactly why I'm thinking that, I just am.

Since you were the one who worked through all the hard parts and paid for the books, apartment, food, and everything else - you should be the one who benefits from all your hard work. Especially since he is the one who has decided for some insane reason that you have a few too many miles on you and he is ready to trade you in for a different model.

men. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hope the judge gives you all you deserve.

Actually I hope your husband comes to his senses and gets his act together and comes home to your love shack for a night or two of coochie coochie coo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

E

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: justthewife ]</small>

Thanks Just...our kids are out of college (been married 25 yrs)so fortunately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> that isn't a consideration like so many I've read here. And get this - the OW is 5 yrs older than me! She evidently can share music (his degrees are in music performance & ed.) and the way it touches his soul in a way I never have been able to! (or so he says) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But H knows I've supported him all the way; and I only have HS diploma because I thought "I will put all my eggs in HIS basket cuz he will take care of me forever" LOL Wisdom comes with experience and age, doesn't it?

Avondale, I am not speaking bad about your situation so please don't misunderstand where I am coming from. Especially since he is the one that wants out of your marriage.

My problem with this is that I am in a very similar situation but on the other side. My wife has been with me since before medical school and through my residency. It has been hard, but just when we are about to see the big payoff, she wants to up and quit. I would give her everything I ever made if she wanted to be married. And that would be considerable, however, right at the end, she has an affair and now wants out.

Our situations are completely different, so please understand that I think that to use a spouse to support you and then leave them is abominable. But on the other hand to wait until payoff time then leave them feels a bit like a gold digger. I really don't think that is the case, but I am having a hard time even thinking about support for her, she has hurt me so. I wish there was a way that if we do get divorced, I could pay child support that ONLY supported my children. I know, that is unrealistic since they are affected by the house and car just like she is, but It would make me feel alot better.

Just my 2 cents. I hope that your situation improves, and as far as I am concerned, you should be compensated accordingly. But if you left him, then I think you should be SOL.

Dear Avondale 25,

I wish I could give you some hope....I was a military wife for 22 years. I supported my H's career, his educational goals and raised his family.

I am a certified teacher. When I graduated, I was certified in K-12 Special Education and K-8 elementary education.

When we married, I took my retirement account and put it into the purchase of our first house. This pattern continued all through our marriage. In moving around and supporting his career, I lost all my certificates. When he decided he needed to complete his masters to fill in the square for his military career--we paid for it because he didn't want to lengthen his AF commitment. I already had half of my master's by that point. I should have been finishing my masters--but no way--we had to do his first. From that point on--there wasn't the time or money to finish my masters. Then came his first big affair. He threatened to leave me and my 2 kids when I was pregnant with our third. I had no way to support my kids at that time--no valid certificates.

We moved to MO with my intention of going back to school to regain my certificates. Unfortunately--we assumed his squadron and that was a full time job for me along with a new baby for the next four years. As soon as that was over, I went back to school and was recertified in special education. They wouldn't give me my elementary certification unless I went back and took another 22 hours--it had been too long. I also lost my 16 hours towards my Masters.

To make a long story short---all of this was pooh-poohed by my lawyers. They said he had no obligation to give me maintanance. Tuition and such counts as maintanence. No consideration for any of the above at all. Pretty sad reality.

People talk a lot about supporting wives and supportive families--especially in the military. I can't tell you how many placques and awards were presented to me at his retirement. However, when he leaves me for a 28 year old bimbo--he owes me nothing but child support and half of his retirement....I feel cheated and also feel like I wasted my life on a total jerk.

Somehow need to get over this bitterness....Hope your case turns out better. Pat

Confused...I do understand where you're coming from. And in your position I would question her motives too, waiting until you're about to grasp the brass ring, as it were. The same thing happened to friends of ours, due (evidently) to the long hours he spent at the hospital during residency while the wife's emotional needs weren't being met. I've been looking at www.divorcesource.com and I THINK the laws vary state to state. But I'm sad for us both, having almost "had it all" and persevering through it all to the end, only to have it taken away unexpectedly. Thanks for replying.

Misery...Sorry for what you've gone through too. The bright side is that you had a degree to start with, that you could somewhat fall back on, whereas I only have a high school diploma and can't imagine (nor do I desire) starting school at this point in my life - I'm 45 yrs old. However, one never knows what words one will have to eat, do one? Hope you don't hear me chomping and smacking my lips anytime soon, LOL. Thanks for sharing your story.

avon,

Like MnM, I am a military wife of 21 years. But like you I don't have a degree or any further education.

I read all that I could on divorce in my state. STBX and I decided to negotiate on our own, to save lawyer fees. And I started with what I wanted from the divorce. I started way high on the monatery amount and negotiated it to something that was acceptable to me. I included a statement of the support that I had given to him and that it stopped me from obtaining higher education. He listened!!!I get half his retirement and he pays life insurance on me, and I stay as benefactor on his til youngest reaches 21. Because of the military I also maintain by health benefits through the AF.

I will start school in the fall, was told that I could get more aide by being divorced, it was considered to be rehab education. Then the lawyer told me that it would look good for the divorce if I was in school so that I can show the need for the dollar amount that I am receiving. I also got a 3% cost of living allowance annually.

I don't think that I did too bad!!! We were close to the retirement thing, his education almost over and the prospect of better paying civilian jobs, and no more TDY's and remote assignments, when STBX did the MLC thing, and decided that he wanted to be with GF from HS. It is so aggervaiting to see the pot of gold per say and know that somebody else is reaping my benefits!!!!UGH!!!!

Just wanted you to know even without the education, you can still achieve great things, and yes some of the support should come from the one that you supported and loved all of those years, there has to be some reward for all that we gave!!! Just my 2 cents!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Daybreak
What an encouragment to hear your "negotiations" went so well. I need to really sit down and think about things like retirement and stuff that we were building towards (supposedly), not to mention paying off the mortgage, etc... Thing is, I don't WANT to go back to school to support myself, lol. (Is that so wrong?!) I was banking (bad word to use - no pun intended)on him and his degrees which I had put helping efforts towards. But I will definitely think HIGH initially on the money end! Thanks again!

avon,

I have no true desire to go to school either!!! And that might be why I haven't gotten over to the campus yet!! But I do think that it is something that I have to do, I will be 40 in a few weeks which means I have another 25-30 years to work so might as well get paid better for it.

Do start out high on the monetary and work your way down, the amount I asked for floored my STBX but hey when you feel guilty any amount will look ok, just to get out of the marriage, he wants out so bad!! but then doesn't do anything for months on end towards the DV. I enede up $700 a month less then where I started and only $300 off of what I wanted!! And he pays my lawyer fees!!!

I am starting a savings account so that between my trade in and savings I will be able to afford my Mustang that we were to get in 4 years on our 25th Anniversary. I think that summer I will take my YD to see her dad!!

Really think about what it is you want and what it is you were working towards, chose you words carefully when negotiating too. I used we and us alot never me or I.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Not to upset anyone or make ya mad...but look at what you said:

" I don't WANT to go back to school"

So hubby has a passion for music, has worked his way through his PhD, and has found someone that shares his passion and resonates with him. And you say you don't want to go to school...

My situation is somewhat different than yours, although similar in ways...look back at a few threads I started a month or so ago. Married at 20 to a childhood friend...to discover at 30 how I longed for a soul mate, someone that I resonate with.

Maybe your "attitude" about learning and sharing passions in life is problematic. Trust me, I'd give up everything I own to share something with my wife, let alone to have her share an interest and desire to understand the astrophysics I have chosen as my career...

Don't get mad, please just consider this viewpoint...maybe it can help you out in the marriage.

Bruce
bp22@cornell.edu

BP
Thanks for your insight. Although I can see how it might appear through my comment that I eschew learning or the educational environment, that isn't exactly the case. My point was that I don't want to have to "start over" in some aspects of my life, that being one of them. We did share a lot of my hubby's educational life and desire for music; but to get specific, because I wasn''t able to perform on a classical instrument, he felt I couldn't share his "soul" in which the way music moves him (according to him). It's not quite the same as an interest in a career field, it seems. Although I know nothing about astrophysics, either. Does it move your soul so much that you cannot express it to your spouse because you feel she will not understand since she's not a scientist too? BTW, I'm not mad at your comment and appreciate you pointing out the apparent discrepancy of what I said :-)