I am totally confused here. I am trying so hard to separate my life from my xh's. We have two boys and I keep a line of communication open for them and I draw the line after that. I have been D since January 02, my xh walked out last summer, started dating ow and now he is getting remarried the end of this month. Doesn't waste time at all.

Here's my problem, I am trying to live my new life and I am trying to separate my new life to the extent that I can since we do have children together. I want nothing to do with this ow's family in any way, shape or form. Absolutely nothing! I never say anything negative about any of them to my children. If my children talk about them I keep my opinions to my self and I encourage them to talk about their "new" family. My xh is accusing me of building a wall because I won't associate with these people and I won't have anything to do with them. When my children are with their father and with these people there is nothing I can do but trust that their intentions are good and my children will be safe. My xh wants me to talk to these people, to talk to this ow. I can't. I can't seem to get him to understand that I don't like these people, that I don't trust these people, these people are not my family and never will be. They are not a part of my life, they are a part of my children's lives, unfortunately, and that is the extent to which I can deal with them. Why does he want me to be "friends" with these people? These people make me sick......they support my xh and the ow......they support them getting married.....

I don't understand any of this except that I am totally uncomfortable around the ow and her family and I refuse to put myself in a situation I know I can't handle. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I just can't sit down with these people and pretend like nothing happened and that everything is okay. These people will never be a part of my family. I will deal with them when it comes to my children but I draw the line there.

Confused,
Kathy

((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))

Either you're pretty normal or we are both totally screwed up. My X wants me to talk to OM about child issues and I can't get her to understand that I never married the OM, therefore, I don't have to deal with him I have to deal with you. Unless she's lieing her wedding day won't be too long down the line but as far as I'm concerned she is the one I deal with about the kids.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Oh Kathy,

How I can empathize with you. I have been divorced since May 31. My H left in Apr 01--immediately moved in with OW. As soon as he moved out (after DD), he started bringing the OW around my kids--trying to get them to like her.

Now, he is trying to get everyone to like and accept this bimbo and her family. They are still living together. The kids detest her. They destroyed our family.

Now, he is complaining that I have prejudiced the kids against her. I should like her because she is "truely caring and loving", It makes me sick.

I know that I won't be able to ever be around her. Yuck...just the thought makes me sick.

My H even mentioned that we could buy a place at the lake together and share it for the kids. How sick is that. His family has totally accepted the situation...want us all to move on and "be healed". Glad to know I am not the only one who feels that way. I could care less if I ever saw the two of them again. I want them out of my life as much as possible. Take Care Pat

Kathy,
I haven't had to face what you are dealing with, so let me qualify my comments straight off the bat with that. But, I have 2 very dear friends who have gone through this and now their kids have stepmothers (and step brothers and sisters, grandparents...). In each case, they said to me early on that they didn't think they could do it. They wanted no involvement whatsoever with these people (the OW/new wife and extended family). Very much like you are feeling.

I told my friend that I understood completely, but to please consider this. You are their mother. You will always be their mother. No other woman or group of people can take your place and should not attempt to. You have an opportunity to 'set the tone' for how THEIR relationship with your children will evolve.

Here is what I would do, especially if your xh is about to marry this woman. I would call her up and ask her to lunch (or to coffee) and sit down with her in a very business like manner. I would open the conversation with something like this:
"OW, obviously you are a part of my children's lives and are going to become an even bigger part of their future when you marry xh. I don't have to tell you how I feel about that or about your relationship with my xh. I think you are pretty clear about that. However, now I must put that aside and deal with what is really important here and that is your relationship with MY children. I want you to know the issues that are important to me and I would appreciate your support of my opinions and values as they grow up. The non-negotiables are:.... then just list what your big things are - depending on their ages (bedtime, what they watch/don't watch, schoolwork, friends, honesty, punishment...) Talk about how you parent and ask that she not ever try to usurp your position as the most important person in their lives.

The beauty of this approach is that it gives you POWER! You live into the strong, capable person that you are and she knows where you stand. You get to set the rules and the tone of the relationship. You will have a relationship with her whether you want to or not. Your XH's choices have seen to that. The question is do you want her to dictate the nature of it, or do you want to drive that cart?

Think about it.

For what it's worth;
my parents were divorced when I was 7. Parents never got along with ex-spouse's new spouses. They were cordial, for the most part, but you could always see and feel the tension. Even though it is normal to feel the way you feel, as they did, it made me and my siblings miserable. My mom NEVER had a negative word to say about my stepmom, but I could tell how she REALLY felt. This shaped my opinion of my stepmom...and it wasn't good. I never accepted, respected or even liked her. Relationship with stepfather has been similar.
Although no woman could ever come close to my mom, and I will never love anyone the way I love her...her actions made me feel as though I never had permission to give my stepmom a chance. I understand you are being 'cordial', and drawing the line there, and nobody expects you to be best friends. But please always consider how smart and perceptive your children are, and that they will follow your lead.

I know exactly how you feel. OW was one of my best friends. I am her youngest child's Godmother. 4 days after our divorce was final, she became my children's stepmother.

She left her own young boys to marry my H. The last thing I want is someone who left her own boys to be around my impressionable children. They forced their "new family" on everyone, and I'm sorry, but I don't have to pretend this is a great thing. I don't say anything negative about her or their dad. When my children talk about her, I listen and am noncommital. Yes, maybe they can figure out I don't think she's the greatest thing on earth. But why should I? She and my H devasted the lives of 7 people, 5 of them children. They lied, cheated, and are not moral people. The thought of the two of them as role models for my children sickens me.

I understand that it may be hard on the children if they think I don't love their stepmother. But I also have a responsiblity to teach right and wrong and that rampant selfishness and immorality are NOT good things. I don't say their dad and stepmom are wrong. I don't say anything. But by planning joint birthday parties or talking about how great they are, I am going along with what they stand for. I can't play one big happy family with these people. I have zero respect for the two of them, and have to deal with the afteraffects of their shoddy parenting every other weekend when my kids return. Just my thoughts. I may sound a bit bitter - sorry, it is just that it was 8 years ago today that I married my ex H, and it has been a hard morning.

Who Am I Now

Kathy,
I can also empathize with your situation. My exh married his OW in Feb. and lives 4 blocks away from me. Your feelings for this woman and her family are totally appropriate.

Of course your exh wants you to be friends with her and her family- it will make his life much easier. He won't have to think about the choices he made and the hurt he has caused.

The decision to socialize with the OW and her family is YOURS. You get to set the limits of the relationship as you see fit-not him. Don't let him shame you into something you are not ready for. Maybe in the future your feelings will change.

As for me I have set the limits in my relationship with my EXH and his OW. She is not allowed to call my home or come here to drop off my daughter. I have never even met her or seen her up close. My exh does all the communication and transportation with my daughter. Maybe in the future I will be ready for some type of relationship with her but I'm not ready for that yet.

Sorry to sound so bitter. Take care Lisa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Adultery is a crime, a particularly heinous one because it destroys families and destroys children's lives. If your H had married a criminal of some other sort, especially one who had destroyed other people's lives, would you want to have anything to do with her? Would people think it unreasonable if you did not?

Abandoned Mom: How dare he make you feel worse than you already do! He is manipulating you to the extreme. Sounds like he knows how to push your guilt buttons for the sake of him not feeling guilty for how he has treated you. Stay as strong as you can and realize the [censored] is making a statement to everyone that he thinks he is in control. I would think your anger and common sense would let this jerk have it ... just ignore his manipulations and do the best you can to not get sucked into his game playing. Shame on him! And shame on you if you let this bozo continue making you feel like the loser when in actually HE is. Hang tight.

Abandon.. - I would put boundaries down. Like the idea of having lunch or coffee. Stating the facts, that these are my children, not yours. That things need to be discussed as far as my ex H and our children. To discuss with you, I would rather discusss the issues with my xH, since he was there to make these beautiful children. Therefore, I would like for Xh to drop kids off and pick kids up. I would like for Xh to call me if a problem arises. I would like for XH to tell me events of school, or kids in the neighborhood. You can relay the messages to him, but I would rather him tell me than you. This is hard for me, so make this part easier for me, and things will work out. Remember these are my children, not yours.

Thank you all for your replies! I was really starting to feel like I was going crazy. I know that I am doing what I need to do to heal and move on and that I am doing everything in the best interest of my children.

I am still learning and actively detaching everyday from my xh. Controlling and co-dependency was the foundation of our 8 year marriage.

One day I pray he looks above the fog and sees everything he has done. I don't ever want him back in my life but I pray that he knows what he has done one day.

Please pray for me over the next two weeks! I am really going to need everyone's support. My xh is getting married next weekend, my birthday is the following week and my 9yr anniversary is the following week. I am gonna be slammed big time!

Thanks all for everything!
Kathy

((((((((Kathy)))))))))

- I have found the site below to be very valuable in helping understand how to navigate this type of minefield.

It has a very good BB, IMHO.

Blessings and Peace.

Divorce Online

Dan

BTW, AM, I believe associate with whom you choose to. I believe you are concerned with your kid's well being, and should not squash what is important to you. MIM and Nellie1 sum it up pretty well, to me.

Hey miserynmissouri how are ya? ((((miserynmissouri))))

<small>[ July 17, 2002, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: Family Man ]</small>

Abandonedmom,
I understand where you are coming from. I have two teenage girls and my better half as three children. We both realize that we may be step parents and will be responsable for their welfare and do the parent thing,but in reality but the best we can do is that she be a freind to mine and I to her's. The children get along well, her's like me and mine like her. I won't lie, I don't like him one bit,but he is her problem and she has said that she want to remain on freindly term for the kids sake. As for my Ex we don't communicate mainly cause she is very agressive towards me. Every time I go get my kids she threaten to call the cops on me, so I stay away.
What I want to know is how do I deal with him coming around to get the kids or how often should he be allowed to come around. And if he starts to make an [censored] of himself and she does nothing should I do something?


231 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Abandonedmom,
I understand where you are coming from. I have two teenage girls and my better half as three children. We both realize that we may be step parents and will be responsable for their welfare and do the parent thing,but in reality but the best we can do is that she be a freind to mine and I to her's. The children get along well, her's like me and mine like her. I won't lie, I don't like him one bit,but he is her problem and she has said that she want to remain on freindly term for the kids sake. As for my Ex we don't communicate mainly cause she is very agressive towards me. Every time I go get my kids she threaten to call the cops on me, so I stay away.
What I want to know is how do I deal with him coming around to get the kids or how often should he be allowed to come around. And if he starts to make an [censored] of himself and she does nothing should I do something?


231 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Abandonedmom,
I understand where you are coming from. I have two teenage girls and my better half as three children. We both realize that we may be step parents and will be responsable for their welfare and do the parent thing,but in reality but the best we can do is that she be a freind to mine and I to her's. The children get along well, her's like me and mine like her. I won't lie, I don't like him one bit,but he is her problem and she has said that she want to remain on freindly term for the kids sake. As for my Ex we don't communicate mainly cause she is very agressive towards me. Every time I go get my kids she threaten to call the cops on me, so I stay away.
What I want to know is how do I deal with him coming around to get the kids or how often should he be allowed to come around. And if he starts to make an [censored] of himself and she does nothing should I do something?


231 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

abandonedmom,
It is all part of the justification. For one thing, these marriages usually don't last, so you would be wasting your time getting to no them.

Other than being cordial, and not bad mouthing, thats as far as you need to go.

My g/f speaks to her x's wife, although there was no adultry involved, but doesn't like her because she feels she is trying to mother the kids and they are only there every other weekend.